A Question For People That Are REALLY Overweight

In My Humble Opinion
21

I just thought the comment was punny. :wink:

I am 5’9.5ish" and ~310 so I guess I am REALLY overweight.

Denial: I don’t have any serious health issues yet, and I try to tell myself I like my body because I gain weight proportionally all over, rather than in specific areas, and just look generally really large.

Isolation: I go to work and back to my house where it’s safe and sometimes where I can eat a lot without anyone judging me. I do go out for a big breakfast with a friend once a week but for the most part I only let those closest to me actually see me eating the way I like to.

Community: I was a lot more self-conscious in downtown New York City where everyone is modelish, but up here there are more overweight people. The upper class tends to be fit and outdoorsy, but there is more room (heh) for outliers like me. The thought that I am too fat, and that others are thinking it, is always on my mind though. I do have to do the “jolly” thing to assure people that I am content with who I am. I worry that if I had to compete for employment where I am not already known, I wouldn’t get the job because of my weight. It makes me feel paralyzed and compelled to stay in the company I am in indefinitely because what if I can’t get a job elsewhere?

Health: Again, my labs and other measures are within the normal range, but I am certainly uncomfortable carrying this much weight. I put up with the discomfort long enough to get from here to there and then be sedentary again. It does hamper what I can do in terms of walking and talking, being outdoors and hiking through nature, etc. It makes me have to evaluate the weight and volume limit on seating options, wonder about being able to fly comfortably without buying a second seat, …

ETA: Oh, and as far as relationships go, I’m celibate anyway and the idea of dating doesn’t cross my mind anyway. But I know that I also use fat as a shield to keep anyone from being attracted to me.

22

If you aren’t trying to lose the weight, would you say it’s that you’re content with the status quo, or a case of not believing it will work? Or something else?

23

It’s hard, that’s why. Quitting smoking is hard. Saving money is hard. Remembering to send out birthday cards is hard. You have to pick your battles. And just like those other things, losing weight is a lot harder for some people than others - whether it is a mental thing or it is physically harder.

Staying the same weight or not caring about your weight is a lot easier than losing weight. People are depressed about their body at many different sizes, and people are happy with themselves at many different sizes. For some, like me, the battle to lose weight is not one that I want to fight right now. It’s expensive and time consuming, and like I said it is not going to make me any happier because I will never be “hawt.” I do much better taking care of my mind.

And, don’t think that overweight people are people who never try to lose weight. We all do, all the time. We just can’t keep it off.

24

I’m taking this as a general question, not just to gigi.

There are several ways for me to answer this.

First off, keeping weight off, for me, is very, very hard. It took constant effort and policing my appetite to lose and maintain my weight loss. The hyperbole is to say “I was starving myself.” Which I’ll admit is pure bunk - I was at the healthiest I’d ever been, and doing more, physically, too. What’s more accurate is to say that I was constantly hungry. I’d wake up wanting something to eat, and go to bed the same way, and feel the same all through the day, it seemed.

So, like I said, policing my appetite (note: it’s appetite, not hunger - I was getting sufficient nutrition, I just wanted more.) was a constant effort.

That constant effort left me irritable, and on edge. At the time my depression was undiagnosed, but in retrospect it was in full bloom. Which made things worse.

Secondly, the benefits I’d focused on for my motivation for losing weight were social and professional. i.e. I wanted to enlist, and so I had to lose weight to do it, and I figured if I lost weight I might actually be able to meet girls. Well, I got into the Navy, and found that with my pre-existing quirks, the caste system there really aggrivated a lot of my personality scars. So that motivation, for keeping the weight off really faded after a while.

As for girls…

Even when I was at my most healthy I was still “chubby” by any normal standard, a BMI of about 20, round faced, and far from being built. Whatever the reality of how I might have appeared to women the truth was that no matter how I looked, objectively, I still knew I was too fat to actually try to talk to women I’d found attractive. So that was a complete washout.

Please note - I’m not saying that it’s something that I experienced externally. I had a disasterous romantic relationship about this time, but my weight had nothing to do with that. It was my own internal views that produced the continuing barriers to meeting or socializing with women. (That and that most of the traditional venues for meeting women in a social setting are about as appealing to me as a root canal.) I will claim that my internal views were set during my school years by the actions of my peers, but they weren’t around when I was at my healthiest.

ETA: It’s this effect of how the teasing of my elementary school years has affected my thinking that leaves me so negative towards any public policy person who suggests that teasing, when sanctioned by school teachers, might be a tool to help children at risk for obesity to learn to keep the weight off. Based on my experience it’s had the opposite effect that of removing one of the more potent potential motivations for keeping myself fit.

In the end, my choices seem to boil down to: I can be healthy, but alone and miserable, and always hungry; or I can be fat, enjoy my food, and still be alone and miserable. What an attractive solution set. :dubious: With that difference it’s hard to generate any motivation for the concerted effort that losing weight would require.

It doesn’t help that I’ve recently been declared to be 100% permanently disabled for my depression. I needed the help that qualified me for, but it’s also a huge blow to the ego, too.

25

Well, hopefully you don’t mind me weighing in (haha) on this issue, even though I am no longer SMO. In a nutshell, I started gaining weight at 23 and no matter what I did (phen-fen, optifast, slimfast, exercise, starving, puking, you name it, I tried it!) I continued to gain. At my worst, we believe I may have been well in excess of 350 lbs. At barely 5’3", that’s Super Morbidly Obese.

I hated it. I hated being told by doctors “just eat less and exercise more” without ever being asked what I ate or how much exercise I got. I hated the fact that I couldn’t run with my kids or play on the swings or even go on the rides at the amusement park. I hated that I couldn’t clean my house, because it hurt so bad to stand up for more than 5 minutes at a time. I hated the way I looked, the way I felt and how badly my health was declining. Funny enough, most people did not remark on my weight.

When I was finally diagnosed with several medical conditions that are known to cause the weight gain cycle, and those were being treated, I chose to have the gastric bypass surgery to assist in losing the 200 extra pounds. I chose that option because: a) I wanted something that would work quickly, b) I wanted something that was known to be safe and effective and c) I wanted something that would help me long-term to keep the weight off. I lost 200+lbs within 13 months, and have kept it off (so far for an additional 17 months so far). The lifestyle works for me and I feel so much better and my health has improved 10000000000%.
FYI – when I had GBS, my BMI was 58.7 – that is uhm…yeh, pretty bad. I was never in denial, but with a husband and kids who loved me for me, I could have accepted myself, if not for all of the other crap. Let’s face it, the “average” American woman is a size 16 – that is obese, unless you happen to be like 6’ tall (I am thinking the avg woman is like 5’5")

26

Yes, and thanks for the answers.

27

Litoris <-- My hero. And smokin’ hot.

I’m not huge, and I’ve slimmed down a bit, but at my biggest, I never really got stick from anyone. I usually forget that I’m overweight, and live my life like I’m not. I think my body language gets me some respect.

28

I got a mildly insulting comment from a customer the other day but I took it in stride since it was more thoughtless than malicious & he was obviously a brain-damaged drunk. :smiley: (That is actually true.) Other than that, the only comments & jokes I get are from my fellow portly brethren &, more rarely, sistern.

Other than that, I haven’t heard anything even mildly insulting for years. I am the stereotypical jovial fat person & that garners me a lot of good will.

I’ve been fatter (not by much), I was once much less fat (but I never managed
to get in shape then), I’m 45 & by now, I’ve just become accustomed to it &
learned to deal with it. In spite of joint pain & a mild stroke the evening of Jan 1st this year, I’ve been blessed in being disgustingly healthy.

So I guess it’s a combination of my faith, my jovial nature & being in otherwise good health that gets me by.

But if tomorrow they invent some medicine that gets you trim & doesn’t have some awful side effect, I’ll be on that in a split-second.

29

Well I certianly qualify as morbidly obese, but unlike many people it is not in regard to my self esteem, I have never been depressed, I like myself and I’m happy with who I am. I just LOVE food. I can’t explain it very well, but I will try my best.

Basically, for me food is extreme in every sense. Food is either DELICIOUS and FANTASTIC or it is HORRIBLE and DISGUSTING. I don’t remember ever eating something and thinking, “Meh, this is okay. I could eat it again if I had to.” It is always, “Oh my god this is SO GOOD I should have more of this as soon as possible!” or “Whoa, why in the world would anyone put that in their mouth!?” I tend to find things that people view as healthy foods fall on the disgusting end of the spectrum unfortunately. I don’t deal with salad or brusselsprouts or things like that well. I can’t stand the bitter flavor or the texture. Fruit is usually excellent though, and there are a few veggies that I really, really like. My tastes tend to veer towards things that are full of fat and sugar though, so pizza and ice cream are regularly stocked in my home. I try to get the lower fat and calorie versions and make sure I get plenty of the healthier things I like such and fresh fruit, oatmeal, etc. but the fact remains that I once actually threw up after eating broccoli because of the flavor and texture. It is just THAT BAD.

I am really happy with myself and I love people, so I tend to end up being surrounded by people who feed off of that and would never think to categorize me as “fat” versus “normal” or anything. I date regularly and all of that. I am sure that I have missed out on some job opportunities/relationships/etc that I would have really benefitted from but overall my life is pretty good. If I lose weight that would be great and I am trying to slowly bring my weight down, but honestly I haven’t noticed much of a social stigma or anything. I know it is there, but I haven’t noticed too direct an impact in my life. I can only count a couple of incidents of being made fun of or whatever because of my weight (well, since high school at least) and generally those incidents involve 13-14 year olds mocking me under their breath. In fact, the only time I can remember an adult saying anything about it at all was the homeless guy who called me fat because I wouldn’t give him a quarter.

30

Where’s the :blush: smiley? I am no hero, seriously, just someone who took drastic measures to deal with a drastic issue. I know that I have increased my lifespan drastically from what it would have been with a family history of diabetes, stroke, heart disease, high blood pressure and a million other obesity-related diseases.

31

You know I just wrote a page and a half describing my weight problems but I realized that didn’t answer the op. I have had significant weight problems my entire life but through good genetics, I’m 6’6” with a 32” inseam so I don’t seem as fat, and a great family, we all tease each other with love so insults don’t bother me at all. I am relatively happy with my body and due to my background with athletics have no problem with 2 hrs a day of mind killing monotony on the treadmill to help me be happier with my body. I have a BMI of over 50 right now and the most I get made fun of is by myself when ever I do a fat thing like break a chair I sat in. I’m sorry its just funny and yes I will laugh at you too but I will also get you another chair and make sure your ok. So I guess I deal with it by taking those few insults, by my self and others, to hart and using that as fuel when I work out and by rightfully believing that I don’t look as fat as I am, heck I passed for 320 the other night. In the next year I will get into the best shape of my life but the funny thing is at 5% body fat I will still be obese and break chairs and have people not want to sit next to me on airplanes, so in that back of my mind I will always be fat but I’m ok with that.

32

I’m not fat (was actually ridiculously skinny until the usual factors - age, desk job, child birth, too much irresistable yummy food - combined to bring my weight up to average) but this seems like a good time and place to chime in with something I’ve always felt: I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE PICK ON FAT PEOPLE.

Maybe this is because my best friend in high school had a horrible weight problem, or maybe it is just because I hate any kind of injustice. Whatever. I’m a big fan of “agony aunt” columns, and nothing in my years of reading them has ever irritated me more than reading questions that say “ooh, I was on a plane and had to sit next to a FAT person! Why do fat people fly? Those lazy, weak people should get themselves under control before stepping on an airplane.”

I’ve never had an opportunity to express it in writing before, but my answer has always been “you know, you might be sitting next to some extremely handsome, skinny guy in a nice business suit who is cheating on his pregnant wife, and you’d think he’s GREAT because he looks so good. That fat person you are insulting may have weighed 350 pounds six months ago, and thanks to an unbelievable amount of self-discipline only weighs 275 now and is still dropping. Who the hell are you to judge fat people?”

Thank you for this forum in which to express my scorn toward anyone who dares to pick on fat people.

33

My story is similar to Litoris’s in that I had GBS. I am 5’10" and 350 at my highest; 334 day of surgery. I weigh 182 now.

How did I “stand” it? Well, until my health began to suffer, to be honest, it wasn’t an issue. I lived my life and didn’t let my weight define me. I can recall one outright, to-my-face insult and when I was finished with the person, I’m pretty sure they thought 2x before trying that again on someone.

I had/have a career, a great circle of friends, an active social life. I dated as much as I cared to. I had a short first marriage, and a long-term second relationship. I wore beautiful clothes, cared about my appearance/hygiene, wore makeup - yadda yadda. An important thing to note, too, I think is that I carry myself well. I mean that I don’t walk around with a “woe is me, I’m fat, I’m a horrible person” cloud hanging over me. Perhaps my self-assurance stopped assholish comments - I don’t know. Anyway, my size didn’t define me. When it started to impact my health, I took steps to correct that.

I was never aware of stares, pointing fingers, etc. If they were there, and I’m sure they probably were, I don’t honestly remember them. Fat people - women especially - are invisible to most people. Now that I’m more or less “average”, I’m invisible because I blend into the crowd.

I still don’t let my size rule my life. If I’m a size 14 one day and a size 12 in some other clothing line or a 16, that’s fine. My health is excellent and I feel great.

Hope this helps you understand.

VCNJ~

34

I’ve been severely overweight since I was about 11 or 12. Apart from not being able to find a girl to kiss me when I was a teenager it has never been a major issue. Confidence matters more than how you look and I have been and am increasingly confident. I think the fact that people think they can mock or deride you for being overweight is the biggest pack of bullshit ever. If we live in a free society then people in it are free to live, look, sound and act whatever way they like once they’re not hurting others, so live and let live. I was gonna ask the question is it harder to be overweight as a man or a woman? It seems that once a man has “status” he can be as fat as he likes without many passing judgement.
There are worse vices than being able to enjoy large portions of food. :slight_smile:

35

FWIW I’m 6 foot 4 or 5 and way at least 350lbs.

36

Ugh - I can’t edit again. I guess you can see how much this topic resonates :slight_smile:

I do. not. tolerate. fat. bashing. at. all. Now that I can “pass for normal”, I’ve been in situations where people who didn’t “know me back then” get wound up on fat people. I love nothing better than to whip out my “before” picture and chew them a new one. My friends just look at each other when someone starts in and then stand back and enjoy the show.

37

I’ve flown once in my life and never again. The whole experience was just stressful from beginning to end. I was flying Southwest because it was the cheapest and they had just began their whole ‘fat people buy two seats’ crap. Waiting in line to check in my baggage I was a nervous wreck. I just KNEW they were going to look at me and snidely report that I was too fat and had to buy a second seat, which I couldn’t afford and thus would have to cancel my trip. Luckily that wasn’t the case. Then, when I got on the plane, I was in an aisle seat and waiting to see who was going to sit next to me was an anxiety attack in its own. I almost wished it was someone overweight like me so they’d not be ‘offended’ sitting next to me. But of course it wasn’t. It was a mom and her teenage, skinny minny daughter. The whole plane trip (3 hours)I was SO uncomfortable. Because all that I could think about was not infringing on the girl’s space, so I constantly kept my arms tight against me and never even tried to get out the book or anything I had stowed in a bag at my feet for fear of pushing against her or something. It was horrible. And I had to go through the exact same thing on the trip home.

38

Hmm. Generally speaking, I’d love to be a “normal” size, and more comfortable. But when it comes down to what I would have to do, I just can’t bear it.

One, it means giving up my drug, that makes me “happy” or at least excited about something to look forward to. Any attempts to restrict my drug leave me sad and resentful and dark.

Two, I’ve tried before and failed. At one point I lost 100 pounds through restricting, because I was happy from others things and could restrict. Those things are gone and I am 125 pounds heavier. I get excited about going for walks, buy a CD walkman, walk once or twice and then stop. I am just tired of trying and failing again and again so I say screw it.

Three, I don’t enjoy exercise; I enjoy being sedentary. I sit and quilt or craft or read. I don’t have people to walk with and I isolate, so I don’t see myself meeting any. And that’s OK with me.

So I am left with trying to accept myself for what I am.

39

Ok, let me get this straight, you’re 6’4" or 5"? And Irish? If you’re a ginger, uhmmm, you would soooooo not have a problem finding me to kiss you!

Funny thing is, my daughter likes heavy guys. Except for one, every boy she has fallen for has been at the least moderately overweight. She’s a cool kid who sees past looks. She’s 15, blonde, blue eyed, 5’5" or 6" and totally the cheerleader (she actually was a cheerleader in middle school, but chose to stay in band for high school) I like to think that I had some impact on her being such a great kid!

Veuve_ClicquotNJ – I like to carry my “before” picture with me, too. It looks nothing at all like me, and most people are in shock. I very much will pull it out and say “oh, you think fat people are disgusting? What do you think of this?” I let them rattle off all the hate and ugliness they can and then I smile sweetly and say, “Thanks. This is a picture of me, and it’s nice to know what you really think of me.” I leave it at that, I don’t respond to the apologies or the questions, I simply turn my back and let them live with themself. I imagine many people move on and forget about the encounter very quickly, but I am sure that many more have guilt that eats at them for a while later.

I am lucky that I have great skin, and am still relatively young. Even in a bathing suit, if you didn’t notice my tummy tuck (full anchor cut, hip to hip and sternum to mons) scar, you would never believe I once weighed 3 times what I do now, so I get a lot of people who think they can trash fat people in front of me. I have even had comments made in front of me such as “you know, if those fat asses would just stop shovelling food in their mouth, they wouldn’t need to have surgery to help them lose weight!” I just smiled and walked away. Some people like to be ignorant and they’re better ignored than helped.

gigi – my heart goes out to you. It is hard to accept yourself at all in this world without having a semi-real reason to be uncomfortable in your own skin. I hope that you find a comfort zone of either a weight that you can maintain that is good for you or acceptance of yourself.

40

I’m not morbidly obese, but “significantly overweight.” To be accurate and precise, I weight 276. I should weight 200 or less, so I’m carrying at least 27 percent more lard than I should be. My wife and I did the Weight Watchers thing about two years ago and it was the only thing that worked. Then we quit. Why?

For me, the biggest problem was and still is my perception of what normal life should be. When I was dropping a pound a week (about right, according to my doctor) I was living what I believed, deep in my mind, was an abnormal life. Yes, I was succeeding – buying smaller clothes and looking better and feeling better. But the “new life” I was living was alien to me. Nice, like vacationing in a resort, but not normal, like being at home. Unfortunately, about four months after we started, we really did go on vacation and I lost all sense of proportion. Having thus scuttled my success, I proceeded to sabatoge my wife as well, and by fall that year we were pretty much back to our old porky selves. That started again the cycle of failure, poor self esteem, oh-what-the-hell-I’m-already-fat attitude and so on.

One doesn’t get this way overnight. It takes years of the wrong kind of reenforcement – food as reward, food as hobby, food as comfort, food as revenge. And inside a lot of us fatties is a really, really hungry child. There was a particularly bad stretch in my family’s life when I actually did go to bed hungry, and not just once. Being hungry was a symptom of being poor – and I mean really poor, as in having to decide between paying for fuel oil or buying groceries. So when I became reasonably successful as a young adult, having enough to eat was my assurance that I wasn’t poor any more. There’s nothing wrong with feeling a hunger pang or two before lunch or supper unless that hunger pang reminds you of a time when there was no lunch and there was no supper.

None of this excuses me from being unattractively rotund (made even worse by my demanding and overbearing personality.) I have to completely rid myself of the “fuck you” attitude I have about people who want to help me lose weight, because when my heart freezes up, I’ll be the one who’s fucked.