Over on this thread, a sub conversation has started prompted by the comment, “but what would be the proper term to refer to a woman who is, indeed, well…fat?”
In my opinion, there are a ton of ways to describe someone other than by their weight. “The brunette by the front door.” “The woman in the pink sweater by the bar.”
And if you’re really gonna go there (as in there are no better alternatives to describe this person), calling someone “fat” isn’t nice. “The larger woman in the pink sweater” will suffice when distinguishing between multiple women in pink sweaters.
The hurtful part is going up to someone and saying, “you’re fat.” Common decency prevents strangers from going up to people and saying, “you’re fat.” Trust me, the 500 lb lady knows that. The woman whose 30 lbs overweight probably even thinks that. No matter the term, you just don’t go up to people and call 'em out on being overweight, large, fat, pudgy, hefty, husky, etc. You wouldn’t go up to a mentally handicapped person out of the blue and say, “Hey, you’re mentally handicapped. Sucks to be you.” It doesn’t matter how you word it; it’s still hurtful.
I think the only thing that should be a fatty is a blunt.
That’s my $.02. How would you recommend handling such a situation?
If someone called me fat in public, I don’t know what I’d do. Say, “Thank you, Captain Obvious,” maybe? At this point, what I look like isn’t as important to me as how I feel and my health. I’m working to lose weight, but I doubt that telling someone who is douchey enough to inform me of my weight will have much impact on their behavior in the future.
Regardless, no one gets to comment on my weight but my doctor and maybe - just maybe - my husband. And even my GP had the grace to tell me, “Hmmm, your BMI is on the high side. Tell me about your stress levels, activity and eating habits and let’s see if we can pinpoint a good starting target.” My weight is pretty evenly distributed, so I fit into the same clothes I did pre-pregnancy, but I don’t kid myself about my body makeup - even if I don’t look fat, I am.
The “pink sweater” thing only works when you’re pointing out a person in the room. When I have most often heard someone need to describe a fat person, it’s when I’m new at a place and being told “so-and-so knows how to handle this issue, ask him/her” and I ask how to recognize that person. In which case, I might be told “she’s a big girl with curly hair” or “a large bald man.” Something that refers more to their size, then how much of their size is specifically fat as opposed to muscle or frame.
I am without doubt a minority opinion in this and I’m male so that is a little different as well but in some circumstances I don’t mind being called fat. I am and have been to one degree or another all my life and I’m used to it. Its like being referred to as old or balding or most other obvious descriptives. A lot comes down to place and time; at work (where my first name is very common) or among friends I am fine with it. At a bus stop not so much so.
Twenty years ago my class and I had an instructor who taught us basic sign language. She was obese, probably. She taught us a sign where hands are extended, somewhat cupped, and spread apart to a degree that is an adjective for referring to a large person or at least how she could be described as a reference. And she did so in a way where seemingly it was no big deal for her to do that. If you know a person well enough and know they’re fine being described a certain way, I guess it seems permissible if needed. Seems dicey regardless, usually. We have much more common ground in our perception of one’s height.
True. But if you’re trying to point out a specific individual in a group, it makes sense to refer to the most prominent characteristic of that person, the thing that is going to be most immediately identifiable by the person to whom you’re giving the description. “Fat” has become something of a pejorative, so I might instead refer to the target person as “big,” “heavy,” or “heavy-set.” Such a descriptor is only useful if the target is uniquely heavy compared to the other people in his/her immediate vicinity. If weight is not a standout characteristic, then I’ll choose something else - clothing, height, hair style/length, whatever. But if I’m trying to point out the one 350-pound guy in a room otherwise populated by 200-pounders, I’m not going to waste time saying “it’s the guy in the blue suit with his back turned, holding a cell phone in his right hand;” I’m just gonna say “it’s the real big guy standing over there.”
I can’t think of a good reason to do that, other than to simply be mean. Are there people who do that with some other intention?
The other day someone told me to ask “that guy over there” about something we were discussing.
I asked, “what guy?” There were fifteen men in the area he pointed to.
“The guy in the plaid shirt”. There were three guys in plaid shirts.
“The guy with glasses”. Two of the three guys in plaid shirts wore glasses.
“The one wearing jeans”. OK, you mean THE ONLY BLACK GUY IN THE ROOM?!
Yeah, If “the woman in the pink sweater” was insufficient, I’d say, “the big woman in the pink sweater”.
I think you’d be surprised how many people think they’re “helping” by telling others they are fat or encouraging them to watch what they eat. Even in my skinniest days when I was probably 110 pounds and 5’7", my mom would say, “Are you sure you want to eat that? Calories, calories, calories!” anytime I consumed something more caloric than diet coke and fruit or vegetables. The irony was that, for my mom, food and love were equivalent. If you didn’t eat her casserole, you didn’t love her. So that refrain has played over and over in my head since I was a 10 year old girl.
My mom has since stopped talking about the calories in my food and moved on to, “God, did you really eat all that?! You must have been hungry,” which in my head now translates to, “Holy shit, put down the fork!”
My 2 cents. Different answers depending on scenarios. If I have to describe someone to set them apart, I just go for the most obvious feature. Hair, skin color, glasses, clothing if I’ve seen them today. If it’s girth I usually go with “big girl” (said in a Clarice Starling accent) or “big fellah”. The nonverbals go a long way in imparting objectivity v. judgment.
Was there supposed to be a link to something in the OP?
Funny, I just realized I have no idea how people describe me to point me out. I guess kinda no one does!
I’ve described myself as “large with crazy curly hair” if I need to tell someone to look out for me. I’d tend to avoid using the term “fat” because I don’t think anyone really thinks of it as a neutral term. But I am “big” and “large” compared to most others so I think it’s an apt descriptor.
I have some friends who are also fat and we’ll describe ourselves as “fat” in each others’ company. It’s ok coming from other fat folks, I guess. But if I was trying to describe them to someone else I’d describe them as “big” or “large.”
Really, what Tim R. Mortiss says is right. Many people, at any size, consider themselves “fat.” It’s just not a nice term.
The OP was supposed to link back to this thread. I thought I had done that. Hmm…
But as to why you would call someone that to their face… well, see the link. This total stranger once told me I was too fat to get pregnant because the fat would crush any baby growing inside me. Like, interrupted the conversation I was having with my friend, told me that, and returned to her meal. There are some people who have no problem going up to another person and saying, “you’re fat.”