Lemme splain. I hear this sort of thing often, “You’re not fat, you’re curvy!” or “You’re pretty, you’re not fat!”
Well, no, actually, I AM fat, by anyone’s reasonable definition. North of 200 pounds means fat, unless you’re 6’5"+ and male. And while I appreciate the compliments, I also feel a little grr by the insinuation, while I’m being complimented, that fat can’t be, or isn’t, pretty, or beautiful or whatever it is you’re suggesting I am instead of fat.
I know people are being nice, and I’m not really offended by this, but I do wonder if I’m alone in being a little weirded out by it. I don’t know, I don’t think I’m being my normal articulate self here (;)), so maybe someone else can help me out here.
I mean, would anyone say to Michael Jordan, “You’re not tall, you’re handsome!”? It just doesn’t make sense. Are we so absolutist in our thinking that fat=ugly that you have to deny someone is fat to think them attractive?
I am fat. Very fat but have been every size in the book. And I have heard every comment there is. I never like it. I don’t know why people have to mention my weight at all. If you think I am pretty just say that, not “You have such a pretty face”.
I suppose it doesn’t help that I mention it(my fatness) a lot, normally to “beat them to the punch”. So, if I stop mentioning it, I guess they won’t have to say, “Your not fat your…”.
However at this point no one even bothers saying anything. I am that fat!! :smack:
I think when people tell me, “You’re not fat, you’re beautiful!” or whatever they aren’t saying that I am not overweight, they are trying to say that the societal crap that goes along with the word “fat” doesn’t really apply to me. The way fat people are portrayed in the media and other places you would assume that fat people are ugly, stupid, and disgusting (just look at Good Luck Chuck or Wanted for examples of what I am talking about.) I have been told that I am funny, vibrant, sexy, etc. and that most people don’t think of me as fat despite the fact that I am obese. I think that they are afraid I think of myself as “fat” in the negative connotations of the word instead of “the opposite of thin” and they don’t want me to be down on myself. I have a surplus of self-esteem though so their concern isn’t necessary.
“Fat” carries not just negative connotations, but downright hostile ones. I would never use the word fat to a friend’s face unless we were having a serious (maybe even tearful health-related conversation). For casual conversation, I don’t see any reason.
I never think people weigh as much as they do anyway. I’m usually off by a good 25%.
So tell me what to do in a situation like this: I am meeting a friend out at a restaurant and get there before she does. I get a table and am seated in a booth, not thinking about the fact that we, to put it delicately, shop in different sections of the store. So she goes to sit down and says “you know my fat ass isn’t going in that booth.” So do I say “uh, you’re not fat” (which we both know is a lie), do I agree and say “yeah I don’t know why I thought your large butt would fit here”, or do I awkwardly avoid the statement and let it hang there between us?
I can deal with other simple comparisons (like she once said that now that we were both single at the same time we should go out together because we could appease the kink of skinny and big girl lovers) and its funny or just real. But it does come up in awkward conversation sometimes and I have no idea how to handle it. My first reaction is to say something like “oh you are not that big” but really, they are (I’m talking about more than one friend that is in the obese to morbidly obese range). And it would be stupid of me to say it but it is my first impulse to blurt it out. Maybe some of these other people that say it just don’t have as much of a self muzzle?
When describing myself, I always say ‘big’. I like to call myself a big mama. I am pretty sure it is because of the vision I have when I think ‘fat’. It has all kinds of negative connotations, namely; sloppiness, globby, big belly poking out, shapeless mess.
I don’t think most big women look like that at all. So I can see myself saying, “You aren’t fat, you are big and sexy.”
Warning: this post contains gratuitous use of smilies due to the potentially flammable topic.
I like **FaerieBeth **and Kalhoun’s approaches. “Oh, okay. Where would you like to sit?”
Ouch. Yeah, me too. I try not to make people uncomfortable, but I’m sure I sometimes do - ironically, it’s because I’m trying to diffuse any potential “Elephant in the Living Room” tension from them being afraid to acknowledge my fat ass.
Unless she’s pulling the ol’ “Does this X make me look fat?” routine, just ignore the fat part and tell her what you find beautiful/sexy/lovable about her. If she IS pulling the loaded fat question, slap her with a wet trout.
pbbth, you know exactly what thread had these kinds of comments and motivated this thread, dontcha? Again, I wasn’t offended, but y’know, people telling you and I that we aren’t fat, we’re voluptuous made me go :dubious:. We’re fat AND voluptuous and sexy and gorgeous, thankyewverymuch!
Now THAT’S interesting, and something I hadn’t considered. Perhaps you’re onto something there. I’m fat, but I have curves, and they’re not all convex! I’ve got a definite hourglass shape to this fat, so maybe that’s what people mean…
See, everything you guys said makes sense. It’s just when I get in those situations my brain starts going “oh crap oh crap oh crap don’t say fat don’t say big don’t say large” and it can spill out of my mouth “you’re not fat” - well not mine anymore because a long time I realized how absurd it was to stare a truth in the face and refuse to acknowledge it - but I can see how someone might say that. I guess I’m just trying to explain why someone would say that to you.
Anyway - yes this can be an inflammatory topic so thanks for not jumping me over it.
I think part of the problem is that not all fat girls are okay with being called “fat”. Hence the whole “you’re not fat, you’re…” routine when I have to respond to comments like the one Shelli’s friend uses, because my first assumption is that the speaker is either a) fishing for compliments or b) in denial about her size or c) a little bit of both… while I may not consider it a loaded word, it’s entirely possible that SHE does.
Just use the word on my 5’ 180lb sister and try to live through the aftermath… as far as she’s concerned, she’s not fat because she can still squeeze into a Size 14, and that’s that.
As much as some of us are okay with our body image, size can be a huge issue for some people (if you’ll pardon the pun) if it gets tied up into their self-esteem or lack thereof. It’s easier to play it safe until I’ve sussed out exactly how they prefer to describe their size before I start tossing around the f-word.
(for the record, I’m most definitely on the curvaceous side, though less so than my sister… dunno if I qualify for “fat” just yet, but if someone decided to call me that, I don’t think I’d smack them with a trout)
Yeah, that. That’s what’s really unsettling about it, isn’t it? If you’re lying to me, telling me I’m not fat when I know I am, then how can I believe you when you say you find me beautiful or sexy or whatever?
I feel much better when people can admit I’m fat and say that I’m beautiful ALSO. But there’s such a fat stigma, people are afraid to admit you’re fat to your face even when it’s undeniable.
Fake people are the ones who try to deny my being fat/overweight/obese. It’s a good test for fakeness, actually. Real folks, and my friends, know I’m fat, and either don’t mention it, or are honest about it.
My friends go one step further usually and go into outright worry about it.
Well, the thing is, I know I’m fat. I’m not gonna say I’m not, but whenever I start feeling crappy about it, my boyfriend reassures me he loves me and everything, and that I am handsome (I agree, I do have a sorta handsome face I guess…) We agree that I need to loose weight, and I’m trying to steer towards doing that, it’s just harder for me. Genetics you see. I’m fighting fat cells and DNA, dammit. It isn’t something that comes up too often though.
It’s tricky, isn’t it? Those of us who are fat and are comfortable referring to ourselves as such aren’t necessarily comfortable being called fat by other people, depending on the context and tone. On the other hand, being told that we’re not fat when we obviously are does come off as disengenuous, even when the intention is nice. I try to focus on the intention and accept the compliment. I try not to be self-concious about my weight in front of my boyfriend, because it does put him in a tough spot. When I do say something about my fat ass, he usually just says, “Aww, you know I love your ass!” And then we smooch.
