It seems that usually those who complain in public about being “fat” are thin people, and those who complain about being “ugly” are attractive people. People who genuinely *are *fat or unattractive seldom complain about it in public.
I’ve heard several explanations for this:
Some thin/attractive people are fishing for compliments or asserting superiority by drawing attention to the fact that they’re **not **fat or unattractive.
People who genuinely *are *fat or unattractive wouldn’t complain publicly about it because it would only draw even more attention to such characteristics.
Thin people most easily notice any weight gain, even slight gain, due to being thin. It bothers them.
Some thin/attractive people are *genuinely *convinced they’re fat or unattractive. Perhaps they spend too much time in the company of thin or attractive peers, and compare themselves to them.
I only know one person who complains about being fat. And she is fat, which makes the conversation difficult. I mean, I could lie and say, “You’re not fat”. But that would be crazy.
One day she said something like, “I know I’m not that fat. I’m just a little fat. But I still wish I wasn’t.”
I didn’t know what to say to this either. She’s not a “little” fat. There are people who are fatter, of course. But little, she’s not. Maybe she was fishing for assurances. But I refused to give it to her because I hate being manipulated.
Yep, this. My ex was an anorexic. She thought she had love handles, when all it was was the excess skin from having two daughters. She was extremely skinny. (she was dong well when we first met and was somewhat healthy)
The couple of people I’ve known with these types of issues did not talk about them out loud in public. In fact, they never really wanted to talk about it.
The people I’ve known who I perceived to be thin, who complained in public about being fat, tended to fall into categories #1 and #3.
I knew a woman from about 2000 to 2005 who had a horribly inaccurate idea of how pretty she was. She wasn’t GORGEOUS, but she had a nice face and great skin and, for those who like big racks, a big rack. But her father had told her every day of her childhood that she was worthless and ugly, so deep down she kinda believed it.
I was an ‘‘ugly’’ kid, but grew up to be kind of pretty. When I started becoming more attractive, people started noticing me. This made me self-conscious. Constantly being objectified can make you focus on your appearance…and sometimes in a negative way. It’s like…wait, he said I was beautiful yesterday, but not today…What does that mean?? Just stupid/insecure stuff. I tend not to care much anymore, but I used to obsess. My mother was a model and used to criticize my appearance all of the time. She would say, “You’re too tall.” “You’re too thin.” “What guy will want you if you dress like a boy?” I think a lot of people with appearance insecurities may have been told they were ugly/unattractive at some point. Some people do fish for compliments and others suffer from anorexia. In my opinion, it’s best to just not comment on people’s weight. Tell someone they’re beautiful, but weight is something I never comment on anymore, even if the person looks more fit or thin…I just don’t go there anymore. It can really mess a person up.
Some people define thin/fat based on how they compare to the population at large, and others have an internal standard based on how they think they should look. In reality most people are probably influenced by both.
A lot of those bothersome “thin” people who complain about being fat really are 10-30 pounds overweight. In their minds, the fact that they’re a lot lighter than the average person around them just speaks to how fat we are on average - it doesn’t make them any less overweight.
Maybe they talk about it publicly because losing 10-30 pounds feels realistically attainable and a morbidly obese person who needs to lose 140 pounds feels trapped and helpless? With respect to their fatness I mean.
We had this coworker once who pulled this. She was 5’8", blessed with glorious red hair, slim and absolutely beautiful. She would sit around and talk about how fat and ugly she was.
Contrary to her belief, this did not bring her sympathy. She was easily the most beautiful of our group, if she is ugly, the rest of us might as well just die in a fire.
She was fishing for superiority. She wanted to be the alpha female in our little pack. Personally I think it’s rude to moan about how fat you are when you are the slimmest girl in the group.
I never complained in public, but this is/was sorta me.
I’m naturally very slender to scrawny. At college graduation I was 5’10" & 125 lbs.
At one point quite a few years ago I was 50 lbs. above my natural weight for my then-age but it was fairly evenly distributed. Which meant that to everybody else I looked like a normal middle-aged guy with the start of a middle-aged paunch. And compared to many of my obese Midwestern neighbors I was relatively svelte.
But to me and my self-image, that was lots fat. Because it *was *objectively fat compared to my college-aged lean / scrawny self.
I’ve since gotten serious about eating right and exercise and the 50 lbs. is long gone. In pix I now look sorta scrawny again although now I’m much stronger than I was. And the guy I see in the mirror looks like me, not like some corpulent imposter.
But no, at no point in my ride up or down the overweight elevator did I go around lamenting in public that “I’m fat, woe is me.” And I sure don’t do it now.
This is true. I am naturally thin but gained some around my middle due to medication a few years ago. I’m not used to the sensation of fat jiggling when I walk to it’s very unnerving. If you look at me I look “skinny”, but I feel “fat.”
I notice women’s observations about being overweight, dieting, needing to lose weight, and otherwise feeling like they’re too fat. Usually, I think they look nice and are the right weight and I feel the urge to tell them. But I also don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable because I’m looking at their bodies. If they are happy that they feel some success in dieting, I don’t want to discredit their feeling of success, but also don’t want to appear (incorrectly) to agree they should be dieting. Finally, I don’t think it’s their job to appear attractive to me and doubt they want to attract me, and don’t want to suggest otherwise. But if there is this idea floating there in the air that I judge them to be overweight I’m really uncomfortable leaving it there!
Any comments on what is a good course of action in these situations?
IMHO, it’s pretty rude to complain about anythng when you know there are other people in the room have that “thing” worse than you. I wince every time a 40-something starts talking about how old he or she is in earshot of someone who’s a lot older. I know it’s unlikely that people’s feelings are hurt over stuff like this. But it still shows a certain tone-deafness and lack of consideration for others.
I just give a half smile. I HATE talking about weight and don’t understand why it has to be the topic of discussion all the freakin time. We have the women who moan how they need to lose weight while they eat chocolate.
If someone directly says “I lost a lot of weight” or “i’ve been doing a great job on my diet!” I will say good job! But I never discuss it. If someone says “I’m sooooo fat,” the half smile comes out. Let them draw what conclusions they will. It’s just like all of the husband bashing that goes on; I refuse to participate in that, too.
Some women will feel fat. This doesn’t necessarily mean they are, not does it mean they are vain and fishing for compliments.
When my period is approaching, I will often get bloated and feel particularly fat.
When I gained 40lbs in college, I felt fat. It didn’t matter that I might still be 100lbs lighter than another woman in the room. How we feel is relative.
Everybody is different. And just because the ‘thinnest’ woman in the room is complaining she is fat, I don’t think she deserves judgment from others.
I used to be ~60 lbs overweight, but now am only ~10 lbs over. I recognize that I’m not “fat” and certainly nowhere near obese, but know that I have to watch what I eat. Particularly since finding I’ve got hypothyroidism.
Most everyone I work with is 50-100 lbs overweight. I don’t mention my weight, and don’t bring up the hypothryroidism 'cause I think it sounds whiny. But I skip their endless pizza lunches, grinder lunches, bbq lunches, etc. because I don’t eat that crap. This is apparently interpreted by them as a comment on their weight.
I think almost everyone has a distorted self-image about their weight, which makes the entire topic a minefield for discussion. People who struggle with watching their weight do not appreciate being told they don’t need to do that, and people who think they are fat don’t appreciate weight-related complaints from others whom they think are not that fat. Everyone interprets what they hear as them being told that they are wrong about their own weight.
People are entitled to their feelings, however crazy they may be. But other people also have a right to their feelings and their reactions. The feeling stuff goes both ways.
I feel fat too sometimes, especially after I’ve eaten a lot of dairy. But I don’t know why anyone should have to put up with me constantly complaining about it, when they’ve got their own shit to deal with.
If someone is fishing for compliments or assurances and it’s a one time thing, I’ll give them one. But if it’s a frequent hobby of theirs, no. That’s what significant others are for.
You don’t have to express any opinions on people’s size if they bring it up. Address their feelings instead. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” “I wish you luck on whatever you decide to do.” “I don’t have any advice but if you need to vent, I can listen.”
I mean, you don’t have to react at all to the gorgeous redhead in the office who is clearly fishing for a compliment, but if someone truly feels bad about how they look then just respond in neutral. “Sorry you feel that way.”