I’m a total newbie, but I haven’t been able to find a thread like this. Everyone is aware of the typical female question “Do I look fat?” But, what do you consider fat? I ask, because after 2 kids, I feel fat. One of my “rules” when I got married was to never get into this discussion with my husband because I think it is so manipulative in that there is no right answer for him. So, after 3 years, I’ve never asked him if he thinks I’m fat. Sometimes not asking this drives me insane. With clothes, I think I look normal, there’s no weird bulges, but I think our sex life has suffered because I don’t want to be naked around anyone. I hate the cut of women’s jeans, so maybe for a reference point, let me say I wear 33 waist, 32 length men’s levis 501. Comfortably. Or, let’s say I’m at the end of the sizes before I have to shop at the plus size stores. I know I’m not FAT fat, but slim would not describe me either. So, guys. when do you call a girl fat? When is she not attractive anymore? OR, does personality cover for a less than perfect body type? And ladies, is there anyone in the same situation? I work out, so I’m strong, just not thin. I think I’m pretty in the face, I try to take care of my hair and complexion. I guess I’m asking this here because I believe that women should not diet and work out to the point that they get sick, anemic, anorexic, etc, but that is the extreme example being set in the media. With REAL women, what excess weight is still considered attractive?
I would say that “fat” implies folds while standing. Of course, that doesn’t include solid beer bellies, but I think you get the point.
I’m male. My personal views are thus;
A woman becomes fat when she reaches about 170, assuming she is 5’5" or so. Before that she isn’t really fat (IMO) or fat to the point where it becomes unattractive.
Too much fat makes a woman less physically attractive, but if she has nice skin or a nice face she would still be physically attractive, as long as she isn’t so fat that that becomes her master trait. A nice personality would make a fat woman attractive to me. A supercilious 110 lb. woman is less attractive than a 200 lb. woman with a desirable personality. at least after 10 minutes.
Oh. Yeah, it makes sense. So, you would find a woman attractive unless she was “folded”
At bottom, the only opinion that matters is yours. A woman is generally considered to be overfat if she’s got more than about 25% body fat. Weight is a poor measure of fatness, as muscle, bone, and organs all contribute to your total weight, but they aren’t something you’d want to lose.
For some reason I thought the number was 31% for woman? I may be wrong though.
it is around 31% http://www.weightlosslab.com/bodyfat.htm
Thats for healthy bodyfat %'s though, not social judgements on fat or thin.
Oh, I know, but there ain’t no way I’m touching the other aspect of the question.
There is no set answer to this because everyone’s tastes differ. It’s a very loaded question and can really screw people up.
When I was about 14, I remember looking at myself in the mirror (I was about 125 pounds at 5’4") and thought I looked OK. But I knew that my older sisters (who were constantly saying how “fat” they were) were also the same size (approx.) and weight as me. So, at age 14 and 125 pounds, I decided I was fat. And others around me were more than happy to reinforce this idea in me. I have found that some people are very happy to reinforce your insecurities.
As the years went on, I really did get fat (partly out of depression and a feeling of defeat), and it pissed me off that when I wasn’t really fat, I thought I was. I look back at pictures of myself at that age and I see a really cute girl. But I was fat, see? See? See? I must have been fat (even though the mirror told me otherwise), because my sisters thought they were fat (even though they didn’t really look fat to me). It’s twisted, isn’t it?
For the last 10 years or so, I’ve fluctuated sizes quite a bit. But, when I was size 13, I weighed about 185 pounds. I was “curvy”, but not that fat. Most people thought I looked “normal” or maybe I needed to lose a few pounds. Weight really is not the best gauge of what is “fat” or not. It depends on personal taste, the build of the person, etc. etc.
If what you say is true–“but I think our sex life has suffered because I don’t want to be naked around anyone”–I don’t see how your sex life cannot suffer. IMHO, it is nearly impossible to have good sex if you aren’t happy being naked with your SO.
I know you think it is manipulative to ask your husband if he thinks you are fat, but can you discuss this with him in a different way? How would it feel to say to him what you have told us, that you worry that you aren’t attractive, etc. While I believe that your body acceptance ultimately has to come from you, not outside sources, discussing this with your SO can go a long way in helping you accept your body as it is. For example, I have a few spots (especially the upper tummy area just under my breasts) that I don’t like. Rick loves some of those spots, and knowing that is helping me like them a bit better. *
What you said about being strong, and having a pretty face, and working out–that sounds like the right track to me.
*btw, we were watching a special on NYPD Blue and they said that the censors sometimes even censored Andy using made-up words. On one episode, apparently, his line was something about “that woman’s fatagus” and they made him change it. From then on, my upper tummy is fondly known as my fatagus. 
elgar: You’re a GIRL?
Hell, with that username, I was picturing you in tweeds with a big moustache, sitting at an big oak rolltop desk composing The Dream of Gerontius.
elgar is clearly an Enigma.
You should read, “The Beauty Myth,” by Naomi Wolf. It’s enlightening.
For some people, the definition seems to be a combination of “fatter than me” and “oh, but I didn’t mean YOU.” :mad:
Re “Dear, do you think I’m fat?”: I’m 5’7" and just over 200#. Of course I’m fat. Mr. S. and I would both have to be idiots not to acknowledge this. I’m lucky in that he has made it clear that he didn’t marry me for a body (I was thinner back then, but not thin) but rather a personality and a mind. So the dreaded question never comes up.
But the topic does. When I’m trying on clothes in a store and come out of the dressing room to model them, he might say, “That doesn’t make you look fat.” The other night, when describing some people he’d worked with that day at his temp job, he said, “They would have made you look skinny.” Neither of these remarks offended me.
We had a discussion about my increasing size when I hit 30. I had been feeling particularly bad about it, and alluded to the fact that I seem to be getting my mother’s body. He told me that it only mattered to him to the extent that I stayed healthy, and that if/when I ever tried to lose weight, I should do it for myself and not for him.
It was at that point that I decided I have the best hubby in the world.
If your waist is more inches than you are tall: You are fat.
Any resemblance to Rosie O’Donnel or Anna Nicole Smith: Cut back on the pork chops, fatty.
You put gravy on everything: Guess what? You’re probably fat.
Kids in your family remark how they like hugging you because you’re “squishable” = Fat.
Fat isn’t bad, but if you have to ask…
-well im off to go work off this gut im getting 
[quote]
*Originally posted by The Calculus of Logic *
it is around 31% http://www.weightlosslab.com/bodyfat.htm
Thats for healthy bodyfat %'s though, not social judgements on fat or thin.
All right, 30% it is. The number 25 may have something to do with BMI, which isn’t a useful measure for everybody.
In the USA, “fat” is five pounds more than “skeletal.”
I think it has to do with the ‘droop’ factor, how your flesh hangs on your frame. If you just have more of it, but it hangs well, that’s cool. Once it starts to droop, fold, sag, what have you, then I start thinking ‘fat’ rather than just ‘big’.
elgar, the fact that you won’t be naked in front of you husband probably bothers him much more than your weight. Assuming you haven’t been gaining 20 pounds a year since you got married, he probably is happy with your body and wants to see it. Needs to even, us guys being visually oriented and stuff. My wife is petite and beautiful, but with significant stretch marks from twins. For years I have been assuming she wouldn’t let me see her nude out of prudishness. After a decade or two, I now seriously question whether she finds me attractive (I’m thin even by Annie-Xmas 'standards). Never occurred to me that she was self-conscious until I started talking to women.
Most guys need to be hit over the head with a hammer. I suggest saying something like, “ElgarHub, I think I’m fat and so I’m hiding from you. I feel self-conscious, but I want to make you happy. Would you rather I stay dressed or get naked?” Any husband worth keeping will say “Where are my glasses and why are wearing anything?”
Each person should be able to have their own idea of what fat is FOR THEM. I have a zone that I’m comfortable in, and even a couple lbs. over that is fat for me (I’m very petite). You know when you FEEL good about yourself. If you feel you need to shed a couple lbs, go ahead. You don’t need your husband’s opinion to make you fat or thin. If we went by everyone else’s opinion, we’d never feel good about ourselves. You do what you feel is right.