A rant, regarding my novice hockey league, and the assholes that are ruining it.

The BBQ Pit
1

You. C’mere. I’ve got a bone to pick with you, and a right hook to land on your jaw. You are the guy that thinks a novice ice hockey league is a perfect venue to physically beat the crap out of people and get away with it, Scot free.

You see, I play in a Wednesday night hockey league for novices. We have 50 or 60 people organized into four teams, and get together to play simple, fun hockey. We’ve got new folk, who just laced up their skates for the first time ever. We’ve got old timers, who’ve been playing for 20+ years, coached at least half of that, but always ‘play down’ to our level to keep it challenging, but not too tough. We’ve got 15 year old kids, and a 72 year old grandpa who gets out because he “likes the cold air in my lungs!”. We’re an “NHL for Newbies”, and everything is hunky-dory.

Until you show up. And it’s specifically two of you right now:

#15 - 6’0", and blimping out at 250. A rare find, being that the guy is a high school teacher, but likes to beat up on the kids in our league. What, do you have something to prove? Do you not get enough respect in the classroom that you have to “teach these kids a lesson” on the ice? Tell ya what, you fat fuck of a blimp, next time you look crosseyed at one of the kids, I’m going to floor you.

#22 - 6’4", around 200 or so. You played last year, and seem to like to fight. Well, fuck you. Fuck you running sideways. You like to think you’re McSorely and everyone else is your Brashear. You even fight your own teammates, just to make yourself seem like a badass. Why, just tonight, you thought it was funny to cross-check me into a second player, and bring us both down. You know explicitly that it is a non-checking league. While inadvertent contact does happen, it usually doesn’t take the form of a single hand shove upside the head, or a whack with the heel of your stick to the backside of an old guy’s knee. . .

I’m not saying that everyone has to get together after every game around the Zamboni and sing ‘Kum Ba Ya’, but when you asshats make it your own personal stomping ground, I get a little upset. I swear, I’m going to take that puck and shove it up some new pipes.

'Specially when you beat up on kids. :mad:

Tripler
I’m going to be your Joey Kocur.

2

Go get’em, Trip.

Y’know, Tie Domi was once asked who was the most intimidating person he’d ever seen on the ice. His answer? “Joey Kocur. You just never know what he’s going to do.” :wink:

3

I hear that, Tripler. I play in an intramural league at our university. There’s this one team of alumni ranging from, 20s to probably even 40s or older in age. And some of them are the most ridiculous psychos.

Everyone wears full pads, but there’s supposed to be no checking. People are going to get bumped and stuff, that’s the nature of the sport. But I don’t need your beer gut and bad temper flattening my Theo Fleury-sized bad self.

4

My league has people like this as well.

There’s one guy in particular who doesn’t think “chicks should play hockey” even though he plays in a co-ed league. He tends to play rough/cheap shot.

One game, he gave me a slapshot, full power, to the back of the thigh “accidently”. When the ref made him shake my hand before going to the box, I shook his hand.
Then I punched him in the nose :smiley: . It was worth every minute of the two game suspension. He’s left me alone ever since.

5

Apparently, this phenomenon exists in every beer league, because you could have been almost EXACTLY describing the situation in the league I’m in.

In my case, the guy doing it is also a hulk, and one of the league’s organizers. So the arena managers typically do nothing about it.

There is nothing more dangerous than playing in a no-check league that will, occasionally, at random, when a certain player is around, become a checking league.

He put me out of action for a few weeks last season with a deeply bruised tailbone, in exactly this scenario. And nothing was done. Well, unless you count a fairly decent cross-check to the lower back that I subsequently delivered. Rather courageously, I might add, as this guy could squash me like a bug.

Work out your aggression and your life problems somewhere else, pal. Some of us are just here to play hockey and have fun, not get injured.

6

I could go off on a tangent listing all of the asshats that have played in the beer leagues I have both played in and organized.

I’m at the point now where I play with a gang of old-timers that are all friends, keeps things mostly cool. The only guy I have any trouble with is eunoia, who claims I “broke” his ribs…:rolleyes:

I now run only a summer league with three teams of friends, or players “sponsored” by friends. Even then, I inevitably have to kick out at least one idiot per season.

I’ve stopped playing as a “spare” in other leagues ever since some shithead tried to take out my knee…MY KNEE, for FUCK’S sake… in a Sunday morning game!!

Its too bad, hockey is the greatest game around, yet some asshole always has to ruin it for everone else.

Fuckers!

7

Never played in a hockey league, but this species of asshat exists in touch football leagues as well.
Yep, co-ed two hand touch football played in a noncompetitive league needs crackback blocks, forearm shivers, and clotheslining.
What’s especially cool is when some fat bastard making up for his years of benchwarming in high school stiff arms a 120 lb woman and breaks her nose.
We were all really impressed by that one. To their credit, his own team kicked him off after that one. He had the nerve to ask “What the F*** for?”

Yep, some people need to play solitaire only.

8

An “accidental” spear can work wonders. If done correctly, it can effectively remove them from your league for the rest of the year. :wink:

Or, I guess a better idea… Who runs your team? (I am gathering they are on yours) Kick their asses out. End of story.

9

bernse,

You see, the thing is that I’m not about to stoop to their level. I fully intend to make it public, and make it very well known to the referees (which do a great job, but can’t see everything) that there’s something that pisses me off. I know the league Comissioner well and the refs know me to be a ‘calming soul’ on the ice. I’m simply hedging my bets that if I throw a well placed punch on a nose/jaw, it’ll be well recieved in several ways,

Really, I’m sick of assholes that think they can get away with this shit. Accidental knocks are fair game: I lost two teeth this February and got whacked in the nose the other night; but ‘somewhat intentional*****’ hits are downright wrong, and I have a serious problem with them. You make one, and I’ll be waiting and watching you. . .

Assholes, be prepared to suck a fat, bloody lip/nose. :mad:

Tripler
*****Intentional: I’m not stupid - I can read a play or several.

10

You have my full sympathy. It appears to be an international phenomenon though as we get the exact same shitheads in our amateur leagues here.

I’m afraid the only solution I’ve ever found is to be prepared to stoop to their level. The very worst of the wannabe goons usually learn to pause for thought, if they know you’re more than happy to knock seven shades out of any person you see crosschecking kids, sticking, or any of the other little cheap shots they tend to delight in.

If you’re really lucky, they might even move beyond this phase and actually start playing.