I’ve heard it all my life. Just never agreed with it.
Even though I fell madly in love with each of my kids at birth, there have been plenty of threats that start with-
“I brought you into this world…”
I didn’t feel ‘incomplete’ before they were born, or ‘complete’ afterwards.
Now that they’re grown, it is my sworn duty to nag them until they give me grandchildren.
:dubious:
Ouch! Yes, I was kidding. In the last sentence, anyway.Stop that.
I never felt a burning compulsion to have children. If I had had children I would have loved them and raised them with love and care, and should a child come into my life that woud also be the case. I like kids, just don’t happen to have any of my own and don’t go to great lengths to seek them out.
When my husband and I found out we would not be having children without >cough< medical intervention we said OK, shrugged our shoulders, and went on with our lives. I still, to this day, have to put up with people shoving fertility treatment information at me and treating me like I’m some sort of grieving person. I’m not, and never have been, either particularly upset or pleased over the circumstances, they just are. Sure, once in awhile I get a twinge that says “aw… how cute… wish I had one.” but it’s usually balanced by the occassional “geez… I am so glad I don’t have to put up with that.” Not to mention the annoying assumption that they reason we don’t have kids is that there is “something wrong” with me. There isn’t. I could have kids. The combination of me+husband can not have kids. We do not care to spend the money and suffer the emotional and physical turmoil required to either conceive artificially or adopt.
I DO run into a certain number of women who trot out that “Oh, how terrible! You’ll never be a complete woman” line, but while a few may have honestly believed it, in some cases I think it’s jealousy and resentment over what they perceive as a carefree and much less responsibility-burdened existance. Often expresssed as my being “selfish”. Yeah, I’ve run into a number of women with young, demanding children (isn’t that redundant?) who are at the time overwhelmed and/or exhausted with their motherly duties who might be feeling trapped when they attack me for being childless. But if being a mother is the ultimate pinaccle of achievement for a woman, what the hell are these chicks going to do when the biddies leave the nest and they have 25-30 years beyond that? Sit around knitting baby-booties for the grandchildren 24/7? (Actually, despite a lack of children of my own I sort of enjoy making baby-blankets and other cutsie stuff…)
Nevermind that as the childless one I am frequently expected to drop everything in my life and deal with some sort of crisis - after I don’t have any responsibility, right? (Right… just paying the rent, buying the food, cleaning the house, getting myself to work on time…) Apparently, not having children means that other people feel they have the right to interrupt my life at any time.
I am certain that having a healthy baby CAN make a woman feel very “womanly”, can be very fulfilling, and since it satisfies a very strong biological urge probably does generate a feeling of “wonderfulness” on a certain level. But the idea that motherhood is the ONLY activity a woman should aspire to, or that she will find fulfilling, is bogus.
The only person I’ve ever had say this to my face was my stepmother, who I loathed anyway. I was out visiting them in San Diego (grad school in NJ) at the end of a trip doing research for my doctoral dissertation.
Looking back on it, I can see that she was threatened/intimidated by me, but at the time, all I felt was a white-hot fury.
twicks, childless and, at damn close to 49, expecting to stay that way
You did MY ranting for me, so thank you AntaresJB. 
From a young age, I too didn’t want to have any children (I’m now 42 and child-free). My reasons for this changed over the years. When I was young (mid teens to early 20s), it was because I felt there was too much I wanted to do with MY life and considered that the responsibilities of raising kids would preclude this.
From my early to late 20s it was because I realized that even if I would have wanted them, I was barely able to support myself, much less afford to raise children. Then from my late 20s to late 30s, the demographic of people in my apt building – I’ve lived here for 18 years – changed from young singles, young couples and quiet elderly people to families with noisy screaming brats, which turned me into a child hater. I won’t even date a man who has children from a prior marriage or relationship, even if the kids live with their mother or are grown (there’s that possibility of grandchildren, y’know). Prior to this, children were fine, so long as they were someone ELSE’s, but now I can’t stand to be around kids at all.
And now, there’s yet another reason why I wouldn’t choose to have a child. I wouldn’t even WANT to bring one into this disgusting world in which we now live.
All of these reasons apply now to various degrees to reaffirm the fact that the smartest decision I ever made in my life was not to have any children (I even got spayed, so I don’t have to worry about any “accidents.”)
In my younger days, I had older female relatives who were shocked by my attitude and like your friends, Antares, told me I’d change my mind. Obviously I didn’t. But I did decide to wait until I was 30 to make this decision permanent, i.e., to be sterilized surgically; to make sure it’d be a mature, well-thought-out decision. Due to various circumstances, it happened that what was supposed to be my 30th birthday present to myself (when I realized then that I STILL didn’t want to have children) didn’t happen until I was 32, but I have no regrets, I’m positive it’s the smartest thing I ever did. In looking back at my life, it may have been the ONLY smart thing I ever did.
So it shocks people that a woman my age has no children and is glad of it? Fine, let it shock them. You stick to your guns. IMNSHO, the decision to have children should be the woman’s choice – it’s HER body which endures the pregnancy and childbirth, and more often than not if the woman and her mate don’t stay together, it’s she who ends up raising the child(ren), with or without child support from the father. If as you mature, you find you still don’t want to have children, you can do something about it. If on the other hand, you DO change your mind as you get older, go ahead and do it. Just please don’t invite me to any baby showers. LOL!
I am in complete agreement with this.
I have kids, and I always wanted kids. I’m glad I have kids.
However, I do not believe that becoming a parent is necessarily the ultimate human experience, nor do I believe that giving birth ‘completes’ a woman.
Nobody ever said Murphy Brown didn’t feel complete before she had a kid. I’ll bet (seeing as I don’t have kids and don’t want them) it’s one of those things that you don’t miss until you actually have it. It’s like being single-- you can be perfectly happy and fulfilled and not lonely or jealous while single, but it is in fact possible to be even happier when you meet someone you really love.
Nobody, man, woman, or child, can or should make another person complete. I always wanted plural children, but saw no need to have more once I’d had one. I’m pretty sure that if I had got to the age of 40 and never had a child I would regret it, but this does not make me sympathise any the less with the pressure put on non-mothers to breed at all costs (and the costs, aside from the financial, are considerable - what’s the point in putting yourself into emotional debt for the rest of your life if you don’t want to?).
There is no doubt that having a baby at the age of 24 stopped me in my immature tracks and made me grow up fast, but I would not have been any more incomplete and less of a work in progress than I am now if I had not had her, just a different one. My daughter is far and away the most important person in my life, and being her mother is one of the things that has made me who I am now but that’s me: I know plenty of childless women who are happy and fulfilled as they are, and a few women who found that motherhood dealt them a severe blow to their sense of self-worth.
Society has no right to make women feel they are unnatural if they are not mothers (whether this is through choice or circumstance); it’s not society that gets up to do the three o’clock in the morning feed.
Never wanted children - if you knew my mother, you’d understand that. Never expected to get married, either.
But Hubby would make a wonderful dad - and a much better mother than me for that matter. He had fertility issues, and we learned that I did too, but on a smaller scale. So we embarked on 3 years of massive fertility treatments. Not.Fun. Ended up having a 10 lb cyst removed (basically by cesarian, same scars and recovery).
Now I’m 36, childfree, and quietly relieved. No, not everyone woman needs a child to be “complete”. Some may and that’s fine. I’m glad I’m not one of them.
I don’t have any children, nor do I want any. The fiance want to be a Dad, tho, so maybe. Maybe. Big maybe.
But I have heard the, “You say that now . . .”
An ex-gf of mine was one of those women who felt that her Goal in Life was to be a Mother. She desperatly (sp? I can never spell that word) wants to be Mommy - cleaning up after kids, doing dishes and laundry, live in a house with a white picket fence, etc. One of her keychains was a clear pregnent lady with a pink fetus in the belly that swished around in water. Needless to say, now that she’s 20, she no longer dates women, and is on the prowl for a Husband. She’s one of those women who will never feel complete until she has a child.
Me, on the other hand, I’ve had a few friends get pregnant (Oddly, on on accident). Hearing the stories about what being pregnent, and then being around the babies, all I can ever think is, “I would want that why?”
So I play Mommy to my pets, lol.
The line of reasoning that " a woman is not complete until she has kids" is the same malarky that is peddled by our mothers/wedding industry and religious institutions that ‘a woman is not complete unless she has a man in her life. to protect her and take care of her.’
Oh Please.
Is my life richer and more vibrant since I’ve had kids? Yes, but I wanted them to share something with, not just ticking a box off n my to-do list. It is a hard demanding, often isolated, job. In fact, more women and men should be sterilized in my perfect Utalitarian Socialistic World.
As Zsa Zsa Gabor aptly put it:
*Until marriage a man in incomplete.
After marriage, he is finished. *
**AntaresJB[\b], remember that you have the option of changing your mind. I don’t care if you have kids or not, but I’ve seen people change their minds about that as their age increased.
It kind of reminds me of how I was never going to like hanging out with those useless girls. I changed my mind. Of course your situation doesn’t have an impending hormonal switch impending, but you might decide differently later.
The real point being that you can do what you want, and don’t feel like you have to stand up for your current position, even if you don’t want to, later.
Nah. I’m pretty complete as I am.
On the flip side, I know a guy who has never been married and has arranged to have a child. I don’t know the details, but he will be a daddy in the spring – without a wife or partner. My understanding is that he will be the bio. father.
Plus, should we REALLY encourage people to have kids if they don’t want to?
I mean, being a parent is a huge responsibility, and I hate it when people treat having kids as just another possession, like owning a big screen tv or a pool.
<amazed look>
Vlad, where are you? That sunds like my parent’s early adulthood in the 1950s. These days, at least among us cynical Anglo Torontonians, it’s damn difficult to even get a man and a women in the same room for a date, let alone start any sort of family.
Of course, that may just be my experience.
personally, i’ve always put that “unborn children that might have made me complete” song on my Most Loathed List (along with all the other late '50s songs that preached female passiveness and Waiting for The Male To Claim Me ideology).
[sidebar: what the bloody H is “…and I’ve seen some things that a woman ain’t s’posed to see” supposed to mean? is someone seriously saying that us Delicate Flowers will be wilted for life if we witness the same brutalities of life that Real Men could see without (presumably) flinching??? that whole song is so offensive, it should be Pitted.]
<< ahem >>
ok, now that i got that out of my system… presently getting past the childbearing years. childless and quite happy about it. knew WELL before marriage was on any horizon that having kids was NOT “where it’s at” in my book, from both my own personal biological-impact standpoint and for the benefit of humanity at large. (i think the human race might start giving some thought to raising the overall quality level, actually. if we can breed the animals we have as companions to improve the stock, or at least not make a point of breeding ones that add nothing to the gene pool, why shouldn’t we think of those considerations for ourselves? i didn’t feel my contribution would have done much for the mix, so i withdrew the option.)
not to mention the fact that i found the idea of having to give birth and raise a baby to be a bit…repulsive. my standard answer for the “You’ll change your mind” crowd was: “Motherhood is a calling. Not all of us are called.” Generally seemed to shut them up nicely.
dealing with animals is much more pleasant that being, ah, saddled with babies. at least you can sell a horse that you don’t like anymore. 
If bearing children makes a woman compleate, then I am the most compleate woman I know. IF raising children makes one compleate, then I have much work to do.
As a Birth Mother, who has sent two children off to live happily with thier own Mommies and Daddies, I find the idea both inviting and repulsive. Inviting beacause I may have helped compleate at least one woman (One set had previously adopted). And repulsive as I read that it makes me feel like I should be less of a woman for having no (circumstances at the time) desire to raise a child I bore.
Thank You childfree woman, whoever you are, for making strong arguments for living a child free exsistance.
(LittleTel turns 18 in January)
My mom doesn’t believe bearing children makes her complete but she did tell me that it made her feel like she was let in on a big secret that women have held for ages. She also told me it freaked the shit out of her: feeling so out of control, knowing that some other force was pushing forward, and plus the pain, pissy nursing staff didn’t help either.
27 years old here and I always wanted kids. My parents didn’t teach me to want kids, I just did. More nature than nuture.
I never wanted kids. I grew up in a family of six children and never seemed to have anything to myself. My parents, my clothes, my bedroom, my pets…I had to share everything. And I had no desire to reproduce that situation in my adult life. I like my free time, I like being harmlessly selfish, I like having disposable income, I like sleeping in on the weekends and staying up late to catch a buzz and watch bad TV on the weeknights. “Parenthood” seems to be the antithesis of everything I ever wanted out of my life.
And yet, at the age of 26, I am a mother to two boys. Did becoming a mother “complete me”? No–we are all works in progress, and I’d be wary of anyone who deems themselves ‘complete’ at any time short of their deathbed. But did becoming a mother change me? Hell yes, and for the better if I may say so myself. I am more patient, more giving, more playful, more joyful, and more respectful of myself. I am less self-centered, less selfish, less caustic, and less reckless. Would I still like myself as a twenty-six year old childless woman? I’m sure I would–but it would only be because I didn’t realize how hugely different I was capable of being. Becoming a mother honed me into someone I never expected to be, and–IMO–into a far better person than I would have been otherwise.
Keeping in mind my own prior feelings on the subject, I still don’t think there’s anything wrong with a woman feeling very strongly about needing to be a mother. We don’t normally denigrate someone for strong ambitions in other areas of their lives, so why the open season on born mothers? An actor who chases their dreams and becomes a famous superstar is admired for their dedication. A business man whose ambition and hard work makes him rich is admired for his drive. A woman who enters the convent is praised for her committment and piousness. Why elevate those choices and then turn around and mock the same kind of single-mindedness just because the desire in mind is one for motherhood? I guess I just don’t get that. Who is to say what drives any given person? And who is to judge which ambitions are laudable and which are outdated, or sexist, or inappropriate? Not me, thanks, I’m too busy living my own life.
How odd. I was just in the car with my 20 year old friend, and she told me that “life would be far less worth living” if she never gets the chance to have a child. She is unashamed of the idea that she would be incomplete without, not just one kid, but one of each sex! She’d even keep having kids until she got one of each. This is a bit deranged.
I would be sad and feel a sense of loss if I never had a child, without a doubt. However, I don’t think you’re doing your kid any favors if you’re not a happy, psychological close to whole, person when you have them. So I’d like to have a kid, but if I cannot, I will survive.