I’m a married woman in a stable relationship. My husband has a good, secure job. We own our own home. But still…I have no desire to have kids. Maybe I’ll change my mind in the future, you never know. Does this make me strange? I enjoy other people’s children, I just don’t have the desire to have one of my own. I like my life the way it is NOW.
Realtives and friends have been bugging me for years about this. “You’re not getting any younger, dear.” (I’m 31.) “But you’re so GOOD with kids, they love you!” (True. But that’s because I only have to deal with them for a few hours, not 24/7 in my own home. I like the ‘favorite auntie’ role I have now - I play with them and paint and read with/to them, love 'em and spoil them, and then go home. They love it :))
Are any Dopers out there childless by choice? Did you ever regret your decision as you grew older and it wasn’t an option anymore?
And on the other hand…can anyone tell me why having children is such a “wonderful” thing?
Fourteen women of my aquaintence have no desire for children. They are all over 25 (three are over 40) and have yet to even feel a spark of maternal urge, much less give in to one.
Myself, I’m over 30 and my desire for children decreases by the year. Since I started my teens having zero desire, I’m now in the negative numbers. Not only do I not want children of my own, I think some of them shouldn’t have been born.
It’s an entirely personal and valid choice to make. Please don’t feel like you need to appologize for making it. On the other hand, some friends, family and strangers will want an explanation. You may have to explain it several times to those with particularly thick skulls but whatever you do, please don’t use “The world is overpopulated already” argument. It just isn’t smart.
Oof. That’s a tough one. You have to have kids of your own to really know. Having young nieces and nephews that are really close and that you love very much still does not scratch the surface of it. It’s a parent thing.
No, no one can tell you why having children is such a wonderful thing. Time was when I might have tried, but after participating in a number of similar threads, I’ve changed my mind.
You grew up on this planet. You were a child and presumably well-loved and wanted by your parents.(Please correct this assumption if I’m wrong.) You’ve experienced what is was like to be part of a family. I guess I just don’t understand the question any more. If you need someone to explain to you why you might want children, than you don’t want children.
I apologise in advance if this comes off as too curt. Anyway, as you’ll see you are in very good company and you should feel free to tell relatives and friends to mind their own business.
When I was ~15 or so, I stated quite firmly that I didn’t want children. I was told by everyone “you’ll change your mind when you get older”.
Ok, I’m older now (31) and I still don’t want children. Fortunately my mother gave up and my aunt doesn’t bug me about it anymore.
I think the look of horror that crosses my face when I say “no” to the question “Do you have children?” stops most people from asking why.
My main reason: I don’t want the responsibility. My cats are enough to take care of. At least with them if I want to go away for a long weekend I just leave out enough food and water for a few days and leave. Can’t do that with kids (at least not real young ones ). Besides I like my free time to be MINE (or maybe sharing it with an SO).
People may condemn me for being too selfish or whatever, but I reply to them that they should be glad I decided this before having kids and completely messing them up.
Besides which: I don’t have a maternal gene in my body. I don’t get all gooey over babies, and I certainly have no desire to hold or (gods forbid) smell them.
If it were up to me, my wife and I would remain childless by choice. But I married her knowing that she wants to have kids, and I agreed that she was worth it. (And, at 31, she’s still more than happy being just the two of us, so she may change her mind.)
I’m sure I’ll be a good parent – it’s not like I hate children, or couldn’t handle the responsibility. And I don’t deny that the idea must be appealing to a lot of people, and a lot of people find parenthood rewarding. But the idea of having children has never really interested me. (On the other hand, the chance to screw up my kids in a way that’s unique to my wife and me is a little tempting.)
I have to admit that almost every reason I’ve heard people give for having children ends up making the idea less attractive. They’ll change my life around? They’re like a little piece of my heart walking around outside my body? I’ll learn the real meaning of priorities? Geccch!
It seems to me like “you’d know why kids are so great if you had them” is pretty specious reasoning. Kinda smacks of that parallel argument, “You’re only a lesbian because you don’t know what you’re missing.”
Not that being a parent isn’t a life-altering decision; not that children aren’t most of them fun and interesting people; but you can live a fulfilled and happy life without having a child, just as you can without skydiving, learning to drive a car, or snorkeling. I’d say having a drivers’ license and a car is one of the most life-altering things that’s ever happened to me. Maybe if I had a child someday, it’d bump my drivers’ license down the list a bit.
Maybe we should just accept that some people absolutely adore children, especially their own, and really enjoy raising them, and some people don’t. The saddest thing in the world is a person with a child who never wanted to be a parent. They don’t understand “why kids are so great” and they DO have them. It’s not selfish not to have kids…it’s a wonderful case of being aware of your own desires.
Actually, as a c.b.c. person (well, a future c.b.c. person), I quite agree with the comment, at least as posed, “If you have to ask why someone would want children, you don’t want children.” Anything that would make me want to put up with diapers, tantrums, school, constant worry, constant nagging, and the unbelievable expense - not to mention everything I’d have to go through as a gay man, such as court battles over adoption and what have you - would have to be an extremely powerful biopsychological urge, and I’m quite sure I would notice it.
I’ve an absolute horror of the excess of responsibility involved in having a child, and that doesn’t make me an irresponsible person. Quite the opposite! Not making choices that confer responsibilities for which one is unprepared is very responsible.
All of which is not to say that I won’t be the world’s most doting uncle to my brother’s kids. As long as I’m guaranteed of their being taken away at the end of the day, and as long as I’m entitled to spoil them rotten, it works for me. But we have a little ways yet to go, seeing as how my brother is 17.
Yes. In fact, I’d made that decision even before I married Spouse. Fortunately, he felt the same way (for differing reasons.)
We currently have 2 nephews and 3 nieces between us, not to mention a number of cousins, etc. and love them to pieces. But we’re also glad to be able to say “Go find Mommy” when we’ve had enough.
Besides, for me, raising a husband is hard enough!
oh crap…someone put “over 25” like that’s old. Am I old? I just turned 25, I don’t geel matured yet. Actually, I think I want a kid in a year or two. At least before I’m 30. Never thought I’d say that.
My wife and I decided not to have children, as have two couples we know. It’s a valid choice, and there’s nothign wrong with making that decision.
Be prepared, though, to be called immature and selfish for the decision. I’m not sure what the reaosning behind “Selfish” is, but the immature part is people saying that you’ll eventually change your mind.
And honestly, I personally don’t think you need a reason. I thik you should have justifaction for WANTING kids, not for not wanting them, since the former choice should require a pretty good thought process behind it.
Actually, that’s what happened to me (having kids, not being a lesbian).
I’ve got 3 kids now, and it’s wonderful most of the time being with them. The rest of the time, it’s horrible.
And, yes, it’s been an incredible challenge as well. I was the youngest in my family, and I wasn’t brought up around infants, so the whole pregnancy / delivery / baby raising was totally unfamiliar territority, and there were times when I was paralyzed with fright over what’s happening (and certainly my wife had those moments as well). But now that we’re past the last baby stage (no more diapers, hurray!), it’s fun seeing them grow up, exploring the world and, maybe, having some small effect on their lives in ways that weren’t apparent in my upbringing. It’s like having a second childhood.
But without my wife’s encouragement (e.g., “Dear, we WILL have children”), I wouldn’t have gone through it otherwise; and that now that they’re here, I’m glad we did.
And, yes, I fully agree with the belief that it’s your own damn business whether you have kids or not.
I am childless by choice. I don’t have a maternal bone in my body. The thought of being pregnant horrifies me. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like, purely from a scientific point of view, but the feeling passes.
I placed my first child for adoption. So I have heard all the selfish arguements and some really rude ones about not loving her. Of course I loved her I let her live to be born didnt I? Okay that was slightly off topic but still… I have done both sides: not wanting kids and wanting kids. I have one and he is PLENTY! (oh good there he goes throwing his super ball in the house again) Personally I think the worst thing is having children because its “the thing to do”
If you don’t want them don’t have them…period. Lots of dead kids out there coz someone didn’t want them or got tired of them…
Personally, I feel that the decision not to have kids is a very resposible, and mature decision. For gods sake, if you don’t want kids, please don’t have them. We have far to many children in this world that are unwanted as it is. If you know you don’t want them, then more power to you.
I certainly wouldn’t give you a hard time about it, and I am not certain I understand why anyone would. Just because I have something that I like doesn’t mean that I am going think that my friends are weird or immature or whatever, just because it isn’t for them.
I think it’s more responsible to be childless by choice rather than having children “by accident” or having children just because everyone else does. At age 40, I’m still “on the fence” regarding children. It’s not because I’m not maternal – I taught for a few years and sometimes wished I could adopt most of the kids in my class – nor a fear of pregnancy, but I simply have never had any burning desire to have children. What I find strange is that a lot of my girlfriends cannot understand that. They look at me as though I had 10 heads or something, and I’m like, “What’s the problem?”
Another reason why I’m “on the fence” is witnessing what my married friends go through in raising their children. One friend has 4 children ranging in age from 12 to 6, and her entire life revolves around them to the extent that if you try to have a conversation with her about anything NOT having to do with her family, she’s totally lost. Her self-sacrifice scares me to death. I don’t want to lose who I am because of my child/children, but what if it’s unavoidable? Another friend, an accomplished computer consultant, has a 2-year old son who demands her attention to the extent that it’s painful to visit her. I’m not saying that she should neglect him because of me or anyone else visiting, but it’s difficult to maintain adult conversation with her during those times.
My age, too, plays a part. I always said that if I didn’t have a child by the age of 35, then I didn’t want one at all. I know that there are many first-time 40+ mothers out there, but having grown up with older parents (mine were both in their early 40s when I was born), there was more of a generation gap dividing myself from them. My mother, in particular, never understood why I wanted to be just like my friends in what I wore, ate, and did. I wasn’t allowed to play popular music on my record player, nor did she understand the lingo my peers and I used. Suffice to say, it was painful growing up…
My SO wants children. I know he’ll be a super dad. We’ve discussed my ambivilence many times. He thinks I’m just plain scared. Maybe I am, but that still doesn’t push me off the fence one way or another…
No kids here. I’m 43 and I had my tubes tied 5 years ago.
I never wanted children, and I was always clear on what it meant to have them.
In fact, I am the baby in a family of FIVE women, and NONE of us has kids. (I’m willing to bet that we might be the only such family on earth).
Kids are a mind-boggling responsibility and I think it’s insane to even think about having them unless you despertely want them. The hassle, expense, work and sacrifice (assuming you want to be a GOOD parent, and not just any ol’ parent) are huge, and most people don’t really realize that until they are already parents.
Be ok with your choice. You are not alone, and it sounds like it’s the smart choice for you.
). Besides I like my free time to be MINE (or maybe sharing it with an SO).