Canada was originally discovered about 12,300 BC by one Sees Much Bison, whose comment is on record: “Holy @#%@, what a lot of ice!” In view of the fact that this was during the Wisconsin glacial stage, this was understandable. His descendents waited in Alaska until the ice receded, and then settled throughout the country.
Canada was later discovered by Leif Ericsson, John Cabot, Jacques Cartier, and a host of other adventurers. Leif and his followers settled a peninsula in Newfoundland, named after a party they were having there – variously “Vinland” (land of wine) and “L’Anse aux Meadows” (the goose in the meadows – this being based on when somebody got frisky with a young Viking maiden).
When all was said and done, however, England and France ended up with control of parts of the area that would later be called Canada. In proper historical fashion, they began fighting wars over it, resulting eventually in England getting all but two small islands.
In the course of this, the French colony of Acadia was taken over by the English, who named it Nova Scotia and threw out the settlers, among them Evangeline. They resettled in the swamps at the mouth of the Mississippi, having had enough of Canadian winters. Evangeline’s boyfriend Gabriel went in quest of her, but in vain, since someone had let slip to her that she would be execrated by generations of schoolchildren forced to memorize a long poem about her love life in dactylic hexameter. Aghast at the prospect, she fled into the swamps and was never seen again. Knowing a perfect tourist trap when they saw one, the villagers erected a statue to her and began selling the tourists photographs of the statue and food they had burnt while cooking it, covering the burnt taste with inordinate amounts of spices.
Getting back to Canada, England founded the Hudson’s Bay Company to exploit the new land. They went far and wide across the wilderness, trading miscellaneous things for beaver. This custom has continued among Canadian men and boys to this day, although usually the trade goods are replaced by dinner and a movie.
Canada’s first prime minister was John D. McDonald, who came across the country while researching new colors to use in the titles of Travis McGee novels. Finding them under British rule, he asked, “Why aren’t you independent?” “We don’t want to fight a Revolutionary War like they did in the States,” they answered. “Look,” he replied, “just tell them you’ll deal with the French Canadians and they don’t have to any more; they’ll give you independence in a heartbeat. If they balk, sweeten the deal by offering to name everything in the country, as it’s settled, after Victoria or Prince Albert.” And his wise words were proved out, and a grateful country made him their leader. The British North America Act gave to Canada all British possessions north of the U.S., effective on their finding them. Explorations thereafter found New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Manitoba, and Prince Edward Island in the 1870s, Saskatchewan and Alberta in 1905, and culminated with the rediscovery of Newfoundland in 1947.
McDonald was followed by Jacques Cartier, who did very little, but this is totally understandable in a 350-year-old man. After him came a number of short-term prime ministers, of whom the only one remembered is Borden, who advanced the Canadian dairy industry.
In the 1930s Mackenzie Phillips, nicknamed “the King” was made Prime Minister. In his days, the foreign policy of Canada underwent a major change: by the 1939 Treaty of Ogdensburg, Canada agreed to stop defining itself as “not part of Great Britain” and start using “not part of the U.S.” This was considered a signal victory for U.S.-Canadian relations, which have gone downhill ever since.
Phillips resigned in the late 1940’s, moved to the U.S. and underwent gender reassignment surgery, becoming part of a singing group. He was succeeded by Riviere St. Laurent, who was respected in Ontario for dividing Canada from the U.S. but whose policy in Quebec was very divisive, separating the Sherbrooke area and the Gaspe from the rest of the province, with Montreal taking a position directly in the middle.
Canada had always had the loup garou myths of werewolves, and St. Laurent was succeeded by John Diefenbaker, who was famous for being a were-Shar-Pei, or at least looking like one.
After him came U. “Les” Persson, who was known primarily for not being Diefenbaker. Following Phillips’ lead, on his resignation he too received gender reassignment surgery, studied engineering, and became an expert in coal-fired power plants.
Canada then turned to Garry Trudeau, on the theory that the political cartoonists are more insightful about what a country needs than its politicians anyway, so why not put them in charge. Trudeau was very well loved, and got Canada a new constitution, though its contents remain a mystery resembling the Third Prophecy of Fatima.
After Trudeau came Brian McLooney and then Jean Cretin, whose governing skills are clear from their surnames.
Canada has five political parties: the Progressive Conservatives, who are moderate liberals; the Liberals, who are moderate conservatives; the New Democrats, who are socialists and pro-gay rights; the Alliance, who feel that Jerry Falwell would be a nice man if he weren’t so liberal; and the Parti Quebecois, whose platform is not clear because they refuse to translate it into English.
