When you put it that way! 
My birthday is Tuesday. A friend has asked if I want to get together with her, her husband and maybe a couple other friends to have a small celebration on their very large covered porch. Just reading her message made me feel very anxious. I hate what this isolation has done to me. And the longer I’m alone, the worse it seems to be getting. I miss my friends so much but I told her I’ll have to think about it.
Another friend did come by yesterday and she stood in the yard while I was on my porch, both of us wearing masks. That was ok (well, until the mailman showed up and I had to quickly retreat into the house and then worry that I was on the porch where the mailman had been breathing). But driving across town and being with a small group feels like it’s too much. I wish I had the outdoor space to be able to host a gathering here since I think I’d be more relaxed close to home and, obviously, more in control. It pisses me off that just trying to get with friends has to be such a fucking anxiety ridden decision. Arrgh.
I understand exactly what you’re talking about! 
I was feeling anxious and mopey a couple of weeks ago and talking to a friend on the phone and she said, “I’m going to come over tomorrow and visit with you! We can sit in your back yard far apart and talk!” and my first reaction was: “NO! DON’T!” Her presence would cause more anxiety than it would provide comfort.
My next door neighbor has been wanting us to visit on my front porch, both of us masked, with a fan going… but we haven’t gotten around to it and I’m not going to push for it. She is still working. She works at the city’s homeless shelter! She’s in the office, a finance person, but still… Her husband is the Executive Director of a social service agency, and he is still working. I don’t want to be around people who have that much exposure.
I do not plan on getting this virus. Period. I’m being super-cautious, and if that’s what it takes, so be it. If I get really sick, I’m totally screwed. No one to take care of me. No one to take my animals. I cannot risk it. I won’t risk it to have an in-person visit with someone.
But you’re right… I was never a social butterfly, but it’s truly alarming how this is turning me into a phobic hermit.
Yes, his name is going to be Poe. And I will post some pictures in a few weeks 
Oh, what a great name, which will lend itself to MANY nicknames!
Shoot, I’ve only left the house when there was no other choice and I’ve had five people inside my home, four of whom were strangers. My sump pump died during the Michigan floods and a plumber replaced it, then Internet/telephone crapped out a few days later prompting a visit from Frontier Guy, and last month my 15 year old fridge died and I had to go to a store to buy one, then two guys delivered it four days later.
Meanwhile, in February I had five cats with an additional fostered mom with two kittens in a separate area. In the space of four months my friend, who is a veterinarian, came over three times to euthanize three cats who were old or ill, being rescued strays over the decade. I can’t even pretend or lie that we were careful when she tended to my critters because we were both blubbering all over. It wasn’t an ideal situation but the alternative was that I would have to drop them off at the clinic and not be present. But she and I talked about it first, and it was her idea that I was okay with.
Two days after the third cat was euthed (about two weeks ago,) the mama cat went to her forever home after the kittens left in April. I have two critters left now, aside from chickens, and my home is sad and lonely.
My checking account may or may not recover from this, but whatever. I don’t care anymore. My heart is shredded, though. Totally shredded. I don’t know that there’s much left inside to keep me going after the next crappy thing happens.
@aurora_maire Woo-hoo! Happy birthday!
Lucky you, we’re all NOT going to come to your house, crowd together around a big ol’ flaming cake, and blow spit all over it! You can just pretend that we did. 
Aw, what shitty timing to have all that happen in lockdown. Stay strong.
WTF is that on the cake Blackface milk or shit on toilet paper?
It appears to be a poop emoji wearing a mask.
Long-distance hugs. And close-up ones from the two still with you, I hope.
Maybe you, like me, will find a Next Cat mewing unexpectedly at your door. They won’t be the ones you’re grieving for; but I wish you a full house again, when it’s time.
Thanks, locust and Chuck, I’m okay, I am. I don’t necessarily want all those cats, they just happened to show up when they needed help and I’m a sucker for something that needs saving. Just ask all my exes. This is the ideal animal count…but I miss the critters that left. They were pretty special. They all are.
But then today, for the second time this week, I watched one of my chickens run across the yard with a fat mouse in her beak, with eight other chickens trailing behind, trying to steal her bounty. The mice have been eating the scratch and pellets that spill in the coop, and they get so fat they look like rats, almost. I mean, I felt badly for the dead mouse but the sight of all these chickens chasing after one chicken who is squawking around the yard, carrying dinner that’s nearly as big as she is, made me laugh so hard I nearly peed (seriously.) And I felt…maybe joy? Definitely normalcy and amusement, at least for a while. So I had some moments today of my baseline temperament.
I’m calling it a win. 
That is so awesome! Thank you so much for thinking about me. It’s been a good day. There were thunderstorms earlier - I love them so I think of them as good omens on my birthday, as opposed to the weather just being hot as hell. I bought some presents for myself on ebay the last couple weeks and I’m going to open them later. My friend who offered to have the celebration is going to come by for a yard visit shortly. So not bad for a quarantine birthday.
I love the buy-yourself-some-presents idea. I may use that one myself in the future.
I’ve been amazed at how much money I’m not spending these days. Everything I buy now is essential stuff. So I decided I deserved to have some frivolous things for a change. You’ve got to get your fun where you can. 
The isolation of lockdown is really getting to me.
A few phone calls and zoom meetings are just not enough. I’m starved for human company and for real conversation not constrained by the artificiality of zoom and phone. I want to sit down to a lunch with someone. I want to sing in the choir again. I want casual contact with people I know and with strangers, too. NO ONE sees my face-- Everywhere I DO go where there are other people, we’re all masked-- grocery store, hairdresser, pedicure. I talk to my therapist on the phone-- we were going to meet in person for the first time since April, but she said let’s do phone because she just got back from a funeral in East Texas where none of her relatives wore masks. I have a doctor’s appt a week from Friday, so someone will touch my body (my leg) but we’ll be masked.
I know we’re all in the same boat… only we’re NOT in the same boat. We’re in our isolated little boats. Some are fortunate enough (or unfortunate enough) to at least have others in the household to talk to or sit quietly with or hug. Unless you DON’T get along, in which case being alone would be preferable.
Just needed to rant about that for a while… 