It all took place a year ago. Maybe you don’t remember.
I was just doing my thing here on the Boards and I ran afoul of Skunk Hat. Do you remember Skunk Hat? He could be surly. I don’t know exactly what I did to get on his bad side, but it must have been something pretty bad. If only I had known… so much grief could have been avoided.
Well, Skunk Hat took to following me around the Boards, correcting my most minor mistakes (what few there were), attacking any position I took, just being my nemesis. Have you ever had a nemesis? It’s not a lot of fun. It’s not as bad as an Arch Enemy (you can tell because “nemesis” isn’t capitalized), but it’s pretty bad. It got so bad I thought about leaving. It was a dark time for your ol’ buddy Rue, let me tell you.
As bad as things were, they unexpectedly took a turn for the worse. Skunk Hat worked himself up into a lather over some frippery and in his excitement really started pounding on his keyboard. When he hit the “return” key that last time, his monitor tumbled off its shelf and smashed onto his hands. It cut off all his fingers! The huge jolt of electricity from the shorting out monitor along with the blood from his severed fingers welded him to his wheelie chair he got from Wal-Mart. The horrors! It was even worse than that. He was down in his Fortress of Solitude Where None May Enter (the basement) during Wheel of Fortune when it happened. No one could distract his mom from Pat Sajak and she didn’t hear his cries for help for half an hour! Then she had to batter down the locked basement door and rush Skunk Hat to the hospital! He was almost dead by that time, what with the loss of blood and the shock welding him to the wheelie chair and all.
The doctors did all they could do, but after all that time there was no saving his fingers. Not having donor fingers on hand (ha!) they tried a Daring Medical Experiment, breaking New Frontiers in Transplant Science. On Skunk Hat’s stumps they grafted on sticks of string cheese! His buttocks flesh was so thoughouly fused to his chair (Good thing that never happens to us, huh?) they were forced to leave him in it. From then on, everywhere he went he went squeesqueesquee because of the cheap castors. That day Skunk Hat died.
Only to be replaced by cheeZdactyl!
If Skunk Hat hated me (unfairly!), cheeZdactyl was consumed by blind loathing and a burning desire for revenge! He tracked me down somehow and was coming for me. squeesqueesquee down the sidewalk from the bus stop. squeesqueesquee to the crosswalk in front of Kroger (that’s a local grocery store, the largest grocery chain in the country now, but maybe you haven’t heard of them). squeesqueesquee down the street to my block. squeesqueesquee down the sidewalk to my house. squeesqueesquee across the street to my door!
Only his blind hatred saved me that day. cheeZdactyl was so intent on his revenge he didn’t look both ways before he crossed the street and was hit by a delivery truck. He died on the street before the ambulance could even arrive. But before he died… before he died he swore he would come get me. He booted up his laptop and his twisted soul sought refuge in the Internet through his wireless connection until he could wreck his vengence!
That was one year ago… today! Good thing I’m not…
Was that…? No, it couldn’t have been. Well, it’s a good thing I’m not in the least…
I know there was something that time!
Ahhhhhhhh! The hand of cheese! THE HAND OF CH