I’ve never been to a bachelor party – not even before my own wedding – and I don’t regret that gap in my range of experience. However, I’d agree that a “bachelor party” is for bachelors, and that women are not invited, unless they are being paid to take their clothes off, etc., etc. So I’d assume that the prospective bride is attending, not because she thinks of herself as a bachelor, but because she doesn’t want her husband-to-be attending a traditional bachelor party. If it isn’t a traditional bachelor party, then there’s no reason not to have other women there apart from the bride.
Which will doubtlessly be more fun than this trainwreck will be.
Seriously, I was best man for a good friend who I wanted SO MUCH to tell that he was making a HUGE mistake, but of course I kept my mouth shut and was the picture of decorum during the week of the wedding. When he divorced a year or two back, I told him that I (and many of his other friends and relatives) knew it was a doomed marriage, but didnt speak up. He actually told me how I should have said something to him, and we are actually more distant now (after his breakup) than when he was still married to his useless, manipulative bitch of an ex-wife.
I dont know what to tell you, but being a best man can sometimes be a no-win situation, so I sincerely wish you good luck, and whatever hapens, it will all be over (the wedding, if not the marriage) soon…
If you are skipping the party then why not have a party with all the people that got un-invited? Then you can get wasted, and crash the official party.
-Otanx
I’ve been to a few bachelor parties, and I think that your definition is a little too restrictive.
Most of the bachelor parties I’ve been too would have gladly accommodated women who wanted to take their clothes off for free.
This whole situation sucks, but I say that unless you are telling them to go find another best man, you should show up for at least a little while.
The alternate party is on. I’ll see how the week plays out.
By the way, I’m 26, the groom is 25, and the bride is 24. Most of us are in that age range except for Friend 2 and his girlfriend. F2 is about to turn 32 and his girlfriend of 3 years is 18 if that tells you anything about his character.
I’ve been to both traditional bachelor parties and ones where no women ended up taking their clothes off. Both were a lot of fun. 
Even at the non-traditional ones it wasn’t customary to have SO type women there. Unless in one of those rare instances said woman is “one of the guys.” The idea for a bachelor party is for the guys to go out (or stay in) and have a good time together. Having a party where SO’s are invited, with or without the bride, is fine but it’s not a bachelor party.
Right, it started as a bachelor party and then the bride and groom (mostly bride, I’m guessing) decided it should be a wedding party instead. Now they can call it whatever they want since the real party will be on the other side of town.
That was indeed a no-win situation. I think the only thing you might have done differently was telling him you knew it was doomed; very few people like hearing about their mistakes. I think I might have softened it to, “Well, I had my reservations about her, but you seemed really happy, so I kept them to myself. I’m really sorry it played out this way.”
FordTaurus, that does indeed tell me a lot about Friend 2’s character - at 29, he was dating a 15 year old. I’m guessing he’s not very mature (and doesn’t have very good judgement, as having sex with her was a felony until she turned 18).
- Throw the greatest party ever.
- Tell Friend 1 you hope he enjoys Friend 2’s little gathering, and that you hope he can join you at your party later.
- Also try to schedule time for a few beers, just you and him. Just enjoy being buddies for a couple hours; call that the Bachelor Party. (There must be a reason he asked you to be his BM. Grab hold of that part of your friendship.)
- Force yourself to be as civil as you can for the sake of your friend’s sanity. He doesn’t need to be in the middle of this petty little drama so close to his wedding day.
- Exception to #4: Whenever Friend 2 questions your judgement about anything for any reason on any topic, say, “This from the guy who dated a 15-year-old when he was 29.” Use this line as often as possible, with as many other people as possible within earshot. It’ll never get old.
ETA: 6. Stop calling Friend 2 “Friend 2.” He doesn’t sound like much of a friend. In fact, he sounds like a total douche.
[quote=“Cat_Whisperer, post:28, topic:519452”]
That was indeed a no-win situation. I think the only thing you might have done differently was telling him you knew it was doomed; very few people like hearing about their mistakes. I think I might have softened it to, “Well, I had my reservations about her, but you seemed really happy, so I kept them to myself. I’m really sorry it played out this way.”
QUOTE]
You are 100% right—If I had it to do over again, I would never have mentioned how obvious it was (to anyone with two eyes) that the marriage was an awful idea…
Wait, if there’s no music, what is the stripper going to use for accompaniment? Are you expected to, say, stand in the corner and recite The Song of Hiawatha while she gets down to business?
+1. Or +27, whatever count we’re up to. First they put you on the spot and dump the work on you, then they arrange (and really mis-arrange) things behind your back. As one of my best bosses said “when I delegate, I delegate - if you tell someone to do something, then by God you bloody well let them do it!” (then she walked into my immediate supervisor’s office and proceeded to rip him several new ones).
I’ll be in the wedding unless I’m asked not to be. I did save a small part of the chat, since it was so bizarre. This was the first I had heard of any of the changed plans. I felt like they could have approached me and gotten their way, but they didn’t use any class or tact. Names are obviously changed. The girl I went on a date with will be called “H” and I am currently hanging out with her. Here’s what I saved:
"Me: ah, do you know that the party is not at Friend 2’s?
Groom: Unless he changed his mind within the hour, it’s at Friend 2’s.
Me: F2’s girlfriend has been saying it’s at her uncle’s for a week now, she even told me today
Groom: Nay. Friend 2’s. Invite only. No booze.
Me: I thought it was me who was supposed to figure out the details
Groom: Well Friend 2 started planning it a couple weeks ago. And we don’t really want it at H’s with a bunch of people and alcohol.
Me: all we were planning were people that are going to be at the wedding who all is invited?
Groom: If it’s at H’s house then won’t she be there? F2’s girlfriend said you were inviting R too. We just wanted it to be the wedding party: groomsmen, brides maids and their collective girlfriends/ boyfriends, wives/ husbands.
Me: no F2’s brother?
Groom: Shrug He lives there, I can’t kick him out. And he’s F2’s brother.
Me: yeah
Groom: F2’s brother would be fine anyway, but H and R… We just want to be all our best friends and that’s all.
Me: ah"
I didn’t save the rest, but he later told me no music and all the other stuff I mentioned. From the above, you can see that everyone’s significant other, except mine, is welcome at the party. Even F2’s brother and probably his GF. The part that really pisses me off is when he asks if H would be there if we had it at her house.
I hope you keep updating this, I am enjoying it very much*. I want to know how both the parties go and if there is anymore drama. Oh and the wedding too. Thank you!
*My life is about as interesting as an empty pop bottle so I may as well read about someone else’s.
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These people are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too young to marry.
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An engagement of months is insufficient - think 12-18 months minimum.
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F2 appears to be the best man - at least in substance. Mayhaps go to the wedding, but resign as BM.
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The bachelor party isn’t about the couple - it’s about the groom and his friends. It serves as an event to validate the marriage with the friends of the groom, and to confirm the value of the friendships formed prior to the marriage. That, and strippers. And booze.
All the groomsmen and bridesmaids can bring SO’s except the Best Man? I would have to bring his old girl friend and keep my paws all over her all night long.
I’m not usually one to seek revenge, but this groom is the most thoughtless and selfish “friend” that I can recall.
Act with as much class as possible. Do not mention the other party. Be a gracious host. But feel comfortable in excusing yourself early. (Probably everyone will!) Then have your fun and be glad this guy is going to be out of your life. You owe no apologies. Then be very pleasant and helpful on the wedding day no matter what.
Have you bought a gift yet? And if so, can you get your money back?
Jesus, I would run far, far away.
I don’t care how good a friend Friend 1 is - he’s acting like a jerk. You’ll still be there for him when he stops acting like a jerk. In the meantime, get the heck away from this slow-motion car crash. Tell him calmly and clearly why you’re doing it; yeah it might piss him off at first but he’ll thank you in the end when he comes to his senses. And if he doesn’t…do you really want to be a ‘friend’ to someone who acts like that?
For far too many people life simply isn’t enjoyable unless they have drama crap like this in their lives, and I learned long ago that the only way to ensure my sanity and happiness was to either nip it in the bud immediately (when possible) or to remove it from my live. Trust me; you’ll be much happier without the drama.
If he’s dating an 18 year old, could that be the reason he doesn’t want booze at the party? (I know it’s a stretch, but it’s the only one I can think of)
You could possibly make some money off of all this by starting a divorce pool amongst all of Groomzilla’s friends.
ETA: I’d be torn between a year and two years. A year seems likely, but people can stretch a terrible marriage out to two years just by sheer bullheadedness.