Yay! I got my first Nigerian Scam e-mail, but with a disturbing twist. Apparently, there’s a corpse involved, and I have to meet him/it. To wit:
Bolding mine.
Ew! So I gotta be presented to his late client, my long-lost … whatever, Georgie Lacha? What, is he stuffed in the lawyer’s office? Taxidermized, and in a ferocious pose? Or perhaps he’s mounted on the wall, on a lovely teak plaque. Or worse, he’s simple been allowed to air-dry, and now he’s in a little shrine, ready to be worshipped as the ancestor he is (to me).
My greatest fear is that he’s restless, and that he hungers for my delicious related brains. Maybe that’s his kink: he can only eat the brains of relatives, and he’s employed this highly professional Brr. James to lure his blood meals to him.
I don’t know; I’m of two (delicious) minds: do I play it safe and stay right here at home, or do I board a big ol’ jet air liner and possibly meet my doom? USD$28.8 million dollars is an awful big inducement for taking a risk.
I got a slightly different one and I responded to it:
[snip] I am Barrister Thomas Doyle, a solicitor at law. I am the personal attorney to late Mr. Pitt Pacer, who used to work with Pan African Coporation in Nigeria. Here in after shall be referred to as my client.
On the 21st of April 2000, my client, his wife and their only daughter were involved in a car accident along sagbama express road. [/snip]
They all got killed. We want to transfer money to you as next of kin blah, blah, blah
I responded:
That is horrible. I knew Uncle Pitt and Aunt Doylene when I was growing up but my family lost track of them after he moved to Egypt to work in international relations. I didn’t even know if they ever had a child. I knew that they were trying hard before they left but he had fertility problems. I can’t ever imagine why he never contacted his family again. I just called my aunt to tell her the news and she is destroyed. We are going to arrange a memorial service next Monday, November 1st at our church. Do you have any personal trinkets such as pictures, letters, or favorite knickknacks that we can use for the service? I know that it will be hard to get them from here from Nigeria so fast but we can pay for rapid delivery. Let me know and we can work out the details of the money transfer in a few days after the service is over.
Those heartless bastards! Can’t they see you’re hurting?!?
Oddly enough, my great-uncle/cousin George also died in an accident. Maybe we should contact the Nigerian highway department and ask them to do something in the memory of our deceased, fabulously wealthy relatives.
You cynical bastards are just going to make it that much harder when a real Nigerian is in dire financial straits! I think this Brr. Binang J. James esq. seems honest enough, give him a chance to prove himself otherwise.
Jeez…you people! Nobody wants to help strangers anymore! It’s no wonder the facists are taking over!
“I’m of two (delicious) minds” … I’ll be giggling all day now.
I don’t think it’s so much the case that old Uncle George can only survive on American braaaaaains, as that American braaaaaains tend to be fat and juicy and therefore much tastier to a zombie than the local stuff. Not to mention, if someone actually responds to this email, it indicates their braaaaaain is fairly well unused and therefore extra savory – kind of like the braaaaaain version of veal.
I can just hear Uncle George now. MMmmmmmmm … Tender American braaaaaains …
I assume that the “Brr.” in “Brr. Binang J. James” stands for “barrister,” but damned if I can’t help reading it as “Brer.”
“Skin me, Brer Binang, snatch out my eyeballs, t’ar out my yeras by de roots, en cut off my legs, but do please, Brer Binang, don’t fling me in dat Nigerian e-mail scam!”
Meh!, Binang if you really want to experience real cold weather, come up to New England (or Minnesota) in the dead of winter, then you’ll have a real reason to say Brr…
Rrrgh…me need get braaains out of zombie island. You open up you skull, me put extra braaains in, you take braaains back to free world. Everyone win. That the ticket.
