I grieved when I left grad school in astronomy. I had an idea of what my life would be like, and making that choice meant I had to give up that plan. I had to face the fact that there are things that I will never be able to do, even if I decide I want to do them.
This is hard, but I’ll share. I had two abortions. One when I was 15, and one when I was 17. I’m 46 now, with one 20 year old son.
I was a chubby girl with big boobs that sprouted when I was 12. I always got attention from the boys from an early age. I lost my virginity at 15. For whatever reason, probably lack of self-esteem, I became the “friendly” girl. The slut. I never had a real boyfriend. Just guys who wanted to fuck. I wasn’t on birth control, and the inevitable happened.
I had no clue who the father was. I couldn’t face my folks. I told my girlfriend, who in turn told her Mom. Her Mom told me to talk to my parents, and I finally did. It hurt my Mom that I didn’t tell her first. It was hardest to tell them I didn’t know who the father was. I felt like my Dad was disgusted with me. It was a bad time emotionally.
They didn’t even give me a choice. I was taken to the clinic straight away. IV valium, wham bam thank-you-ma’am, and it was done. No pain. Not physical, anyway. Mom got me on birth control and I was free to be me! I rationalized my behavior by thinking to myself that guys could act like this and they were studs! And it was the 70’s, after all.
So fast forward a couple of years. I had quit school in 11th grade, drugging and drinking, having sex with anyone. I left home and moved in with this older guy and his roommate. The one guy left and I became the roommate’s bitch. That was followed by another one. But then this one guy came into the picture. He was sweet, and felt sorry for me. He told me that he loved me. We got married when I was 17 and he was 18. I got pregnant shortly thereafter. (I was in another town, and we didn’t have any money after he lost his job. And I was stupid.)
I knew that our marriage wouldn’t survive even without a baby. We were WAY too young, and unable to support ourselves.
I called my Mom, and she helped me out with the money to get another abortion. (My husband agreed.) This time it was a second trimester one. I had to be dilated and then had the procedure the next day. I remember bad cramping from dilation, but that’s all. Maybe I’ve blocked it.
I have mixed feelings about both procedures. I feel selfish for only considering my feelings. I feel guilty for not allowing these children to be. I feel justified, because I don’t think I could have cared for them properly. But I could have given them up for adoption. Even 30 years later, it makes me feel bad sometimes.
But then I think, every decision we make eventually makes us who we are today. And I love myself these days. I’m a good person, no matter what mistakes I have made in the past.
Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories.
In my experience, it was two advil, a shot of a “local” in my cervix and a whole lot of OHMIGODCRAPTHATHURTS! And then into the recovery room which was twelve girls or so on bark-o-loungers or comfy arm chairs or whatever they’re called, and we each had a garbage can in case we threw up, which almost all of us did. Not sure why. Well for me it was an incredible dry heave, cause I’ve never been good at throwing up (body just doesn’t know when to let things go, I guess). And once you felt coherent enough they let you leave, but only after you went into the restroom and peed and they could check the MAXI they gave you to see if you were bleeding too much or just a little. I was barely bleeding. Although I opted for a Depo shot, which while I was in the ladies room they just pricked me.
I got no good painkillers and am jealous of those who did. I went to Walgreens and got one of those heating pad things that attach to your clothes for period pain, and that was a good thing. I was actually fine for a day or two and then the real bleeding started. Cramping the same day that continued for a day.
Painkillers would’ve been good. Valium would’ve been good. Hell, Xanax would’ve been good. I had some nurse holding my hand as they did the procedure which was nice, and she was explaining everything but still, I was not prepared for that one burst of extreme pain.
I’d do it again, if I had to, though. Pennance, and all. Nothing is for free in this world. Odd thinking on my part?
Inky
Rebekkah, I think it varies by provider. AFAIK, none of them are done under general anesthesia, but later-term ones and some early-term ones are done under conscious sedation. It’s sort of like getting gas at the dentist–you’re awake, but you just don’t really give a damn what they’re doing.
Here goes.
I’ve had two, one induced and one natural (also called a miscarriage). I am also a mother of two, now 13 and 11.
The first time I got pregnant, I was twenty-two, and had been with the guy a whole six months. I was working for peanuts as a cashier at a department store, and he was ramp ratting for a local small airline. Not a lot of money floating about, and lets just say that living conditions were definitely suboptimal. Birth control was somewhat…haphazard, to say the least.
Since we’d only been together six months and all, I was pretty sure that if anything happened to him, there I’d be, raising a kid on welfare. Oh fun.
So, we talked about what would happen next. I knew if I carried to term, that would be MY CHILD and I could not give it away. But we would both be poorly served in the end. My then-SO and I agreed that I would terminate the pregnancy.
It was easy compared to you statesiders. Abortion services are easily and discreetly available here, no protesters, no ugliness except the decision. Discreetly, as they are generally arranged through a regular GP. If your GP doesn’t want to deal, s/he will usually arrange for you to see someone else.
Free, too. The System up here, anyways, would rather pay the money for the termination than support mom+child for the next eighteen years.
The Powers That Be did make me have two appointments with a doctor and a counsellor present, to ensure that I knew what my options were and that I was certain about my decision. I was. Went into the hospital at 8:00 am, they put me right out, and did a D&C (was plenty early enough). Done, with little regret.
Not quite a year later, I was pregnant again. Forgot the pill one night, and wham! Knocked up again. Same gentleman as the first time, so the relationship was Officially Stable, our jobs were (slightly) better, and all was good. After much discussion, we decided I was going to carry to term this time and it would be our first child.
Unfortunately, four-five months in, I started spotting. An ultrasound found an unmoving fetus, and my body evicted it. In large clots. One of the scariest things I’ve ever been through in my life. I got whooshed in for another D&C.
Post-operation, it finally occurs to someone in the medical profession to let me know that I am Rh-negative. I had long believed the exact opposite, and I suspect this may have been a factor in the miscarriage. Won’t ever know though, no fetal tissue was recovered, and Weird Shit Happens all the time.
I went on to marry The Guy, still married to him, and we’ve been together some sixteen or so years. I have two wonderful sons and the only twinge I’ve ever gotten over the first two pregnancies is, well, ummm, I DID want two children and I wanted one by each. Sometimes when I’m really depressed, I wonder if I terminated my girl. And sometimes I wonder if I’m a callous freak for not being more traumatized/regretful/whatever.
But that’s about it. My sons are great kids, I wouldn’t trade 'em for anything (most of the time, anyways. I have my weak moments), and I’m not sorry my husband and I waited.
I almost didn’t post this, but I’m gonna close my eyes and hit submit. Garn, here I am telling 35000 near-strangers something that even most of my friends don’t know.
Awake, yes. In pain, yes. I didn’t get any local anaesthetic for my cervix either. It was kind of brutal, now that I’ve heard about other people’s experiences. And from what I’ve learned, my experience is not common. Most people get valium or gas or go under.
General anesthesia would up the price quite a bit, probably out of many girls’ range. As far as I know none of this is covered under any insurance so it’s all out of pocket.
And as Annie says, I’m Not Sorry is the website where I have my story posted.
I’ve had two, but the first was the most memorable… It was about 30 years ago. I was in college and went to Planned Parenthood to be tested. They told me I was pregnant. I felt very shaken because I thought I had been using birth control properly and had never been pregnant before, and I knew there was no way I was going to have a baby. So the counselor there was explaining my options to me, and asked me what I wanted to do, and I said I wanted an abortion. She asked “Have you considered the alternatives?” In the state of mind I was in, my first thought was that she was implying that there was another way to have an abortion. Then it dawned me that by “alternatives” she meant having the baby! And then I thought this woman was some kind of con artist, because I had clearly expressed my desire for an abortion, and she was acting like she was offering me help, but basically she was trying to take advantage of my distress and get me to change my mind.
Now in hindsight I’m sure that’s NOT what she intended, but that’s what went through my mind at the time. She kind of had a nun-like atmosphere about her, but I don’t know what she was.
Anyhow, I had to ask my boyfriend for the money, which was hard, because neither of us had a lot of it, and our relationship had already cooled off.
So the day finally came, I went with a female friend on the bus to another city and had the procedure done. It was such a RELIEF!!! And it felt kind of silly handing the receptionist an envelope filled with cash.
After it was all done and it was time to leave the office, I said I’d like to speak to the doctor. So after a couple of minutes they showed me to his office. He looked at me like he wasn’t sure what I wanted, whether I was going to freak out or something. But all I wanted to do was “thank you.” And I thanked him, and he seemed glad to hear it. I think most people didn’t bother.
And that was that. I’ve never regretted that, or the one I had later. I now have a son (by choice) who’s almost 16.
I was stupid and got caught.
It was about a week or two after my 21st birthday and no, it wasn’t alcohol induced. For some reason I had been hooking up with a guy that I met through one of my roommates. No one I really cared for, just some one for the moment. Boy did I pick the wrong moment.
I remember I was suppose to start my period in 2 days. I was messing around with the guy and it kinda slipped in. After about a minute or so we both realized what we were doing just wasn’t right and stopped immeadiately. He didn’t get off. That was February 8, 2001. By the 20th I still hadn’t gotten my period. I knew I was pregnant. My body had never been that far off. My roommate made me take a test that night. It was the faintest blue line. You could barely tell it was there.
I remember thinking that I didn’t want to talk to him at all. My roommate was the one that told him. I remember that he cried. I didn’t.
I knew what I was going to do from the beginning. I tried to get his imput, but he wouldn’t say what he wanted one way or the other. It’s not like it would have made a difference in my decision, but I resented him for sticking it all on me and not voicing an opinion even though I know he had one.
March 20th I went to a woman’s clinic, paid $375 and had the procedure done. There were so many women in there ranging in age from about 16-30. Several of them were talking about how they had no idea about antibiotics and birth control, but they learned their lesson. I remember it was so cold in the waiting room. They actually had blankets for us. They gave me valium and let me go outside to smoke a cigarette. I chain smoked.
There was a conselor that everyone had to talk to. Her job was just to explain what was going to happen, let us know that we could leave at any point in time until the procedure began, and to make sure that this was our decision and that we understood that once it was over there was no going back.
It was the most painful five minutes of my life. They said they gave me a local, but it didn’t seem to work. The nurse held my hand and kept telling me not to arch my back. She had to push me back down to the table. After it was over I couldn’t walk. My legs were too weak. I threw up a lot from the pain. They kept me in the recovery room long enough for me to sign some forms, drink half a soda and get some pills.
When I went back out to the main waiting room the guy and my roommate weren’t there. They said they wouldn’t leave but they did anyway. I had to call around and find them so they could pick me up. When I got home I slept for about five hours and then I was fine.
I don’t regret doing it. I don’t even regret being in the position of having to do it. I’m not ashamed of it. I never have been.
I’m now a week shy of my 25th birthday. I’ve been married since April and I’m expecting my first child at the end of March. I finished college. These are things that I wouldn’t have had if I had kept the pregnancy going.
Well here goes…I believe all our choices in life define us as my choice helped define me as a person. I am pro-choice and made a choice 19 years ago. I was just divorced a little more than a year and my ex stepped back into my life for a fleeting moment. We had a beautiful daughter of 3 years old and I had a weak
moment thinking there was a change. Okay, I’m definitely human. Well, that weak moment ended with a surprise. I was in NO way prepared to raise now two children alone, so I chose to abort. We both knew we were not going to get back together as that would have been a BIG mistake. So off to the clinic we went. Yes, I was awake and yes very painful. Would I do it again? Absolutely! Do I think or reflect back to my decision? Yes, at times. I did make the right decision for me.
Well here goes…I believe all our choices in life define us as my choice helped define me as a person. I am pro-choice and made a choice 19 years ago. I was just divorced a little more than a year and my ex stepped back into my life for a fleeting moment. We had a beautiful daughter of 3 years old and I had a weak
moment thinking there was a change. Okay, I’m definitely human. Well, that weak moment ended with a surprise. I was in NO way prepared to raise now two children alone, so I chose to abort. We both knew we were not going to get back together as that would have been a BIG mistake. So off to the clinic we went. Yes, I was awake and yes very painful. Would I do it again? Absolutely! Do I think or reflect back to my decision? Yes, at times. I did make the right decision for me.
I don’t have time to post at the moment, but I will be bumping this with my story on Monday.
No abortion experience here, but I do have some with general anesthesia.
Aside from the cost, there is risk involved in going under. It’s not hugely dangerous, but it’s considerably more risky to the patient’s health than the abortion itself would be. For safety reasons general anesthesia has to be given to a patient with an empty stomach (otherwise she may choke on her own vomit while unconscious), so she’d have to begin fasting the night before. This would mean extra planning before the abortion, and if she forgot and ate something anyway she’d have to reschedule for another day. Recovering from the anesthesia would also lengthen the amount of time the patient would have to stay in the clinic before being allowed to go home.
General anesthesia is sometimes used for more complicated, in-hospital abortions, but it’s really safer and more convenient for everyone involved if it can be avoided.
Lamia, I don’t know. I had a D&C after an early miscarriage and got general anesthesia. I wasn’t offered any other option (not that I would have taken it.) Isn’t it essentially the same procedure with a lot of abortions? (This was about 10 years ago.)
My friend, who I shall call “Gail” for the purpose of this story, was told that she was never likely to be able to have children and therefore it came as something of a shock to her to discover she was pregnant. Her partner already had one small child who he adored and spent a lot of time with but hadn’t wanted in the beginning (some story about a girlfriend who lied about being on the pill and then dumped him the second she found out she was pregnant). I think he really pushed Gail into seeing it his way. They agreed that abortion was the answer. I was surprised, as I knew that she had always wanted children and I thought she would choose to keep it and that’s why I think he pushed her.
I went to stay with her while she had the procedure done. At the clinic, there were a couple of protesters but the security guard helped us past them. One woman thrust her hand towards me, and opened it to show a small plastic fetus. I wondered what she thought she was going to achieve with that.
Gail was given the option of a local or a general and went with the general. She had to see a counsellor first to establish that she knew what she was doing and so on - I think it’s required by law? - and then we sat in the waiting room with a girl who was sobbing. I got talking with the friend of the sobbing girl, there was a weird sort of bond between us, both being there for our friends. She told me some of the girl’s backstory, but I simply can’t remember much about it any more. Anyway, the sobbing girl was called, and went, and that was the last I saw of her. Occasionally I wonder how life turned out for her.
Finally, Gail was called. I sat in the waiting room and read magazines and then I was told I could come through and see her. She looked pale and tired, but otherwise no different. We went back to her place and vegged out on the couch for the rest of the day. She cooked dinner that night. I don’t remember her talking about pain or taking pain killers at all, but that mightn’t mean that she didn’t experience it. We’ve never really talked much about it since.
Gail told me 12 months later that she’d had some tests and things done and that they’d said that between her pre-existing condition and scarring they’d found that they attributed to the abortion, she probably wouldn’t be able to have children. At that point, she and the guy she got with after breaking up with the reluctant father wanted a baby and I felt bad for them, but it may have been for the best as in the end that relationship didn’t work out either.
Now Gail’s in a stable, long term relationship with another guy who has a young child from a prior relationship and I haven’t spoken with her about babies in years. I don’t know if she still hopes to have them some day, or if doctors have convinced her not to hold out hope, or even if she’s actively trying… but if it turns out that it was her only chance to be a mother, and if she regrets giving it up, then I feel very bad for her. I hope her stepchild fills that void in her life. I still think that she made the right choice. She and the reluctant father were destined to break up, she didn’t get along with his other child at all or with that child’s mother and their lives would have been one conflict after another. I hope she sees it that way too.
That is true. Also, lots of people are “allergic”, in other words, have different strong reactions to anesthesia. I have been under general, for correcting a “lazy eye” when I was about ten - I hated it. No reactions, though. For exactly that reason, I chose not to go under when they took my wisdom teeth out - all four.
Still got 'em. Wanna see 'em? here, let me dig them up. 
I had two.
The first time, I was eighteen. My boyfriend and I had been having sex for about a year and using birth control only sporadically. I suppose we thought our good intentions counted for something. :rolleyes: I had never wanted any children, ever, so the decision was easy. We skipped school that day and drove to a town about 50 miles away. I’m trying to keep things brief here, partly because this happened about fifteen years ago, and I don’t recall every little detail, but I’m sure of one thing…worst. pain. ever. I remember begging the nurse to stop just for a moment to let me catch my breath. (Didn’t happen.)
The second time, I was twenty. I was living with the boyfriend by this time, and using birth control religiously, but apparently we were very fertile and unlucky. This time, there were protesters. Someone came from the clinic to hustle us inside. A woman asked me if I was having an abortion. I told her no, but she ignored it and asked me “not to kill my baby.” The boyfriend wanted to stop and have a discussion with her, but we pulled him into the clinic. This time, I had anesthesia. I remember waking for a moment in a room with a bunch of other women, and a nurse trying to give us after-care instructions, but none of us could stay conscious long enough. Finally, I got to go home, where I passed out on the couch for the rest of the day. That worked out well for my boyfriend, whose efforts to pork our fourteen-year-old neighbor were finally paying off.
I got pregnant again shortly afterward. Raped by the boyfriend, although I find it very hard to think of it in those terms. I told no one I was pregnant until seven months later, when my mom helped me escape. My daughter was born a month after I left him.
Naturally, I regret the whole experience with that boyfriend. But I was a stupid teenager who learned best the hard way, and if I had not been with him, and if I had had either of those first two children, I would not have the child I have now. So…no regrets, regarding abortion.
I have never told anyone about this, besides my mother. Just doesn’t seem to crop up in casual conversations, and after a while, it feels too late to drop a bomb like that. Also, my grandmother is very religious, and if it ever got back to her, I really think that might be the end of our relationship. So, now I’ve told a few thousand strangers!
On the anaesthesia issue: I had to have a D&C for other reasons (I was not pregnant at the time) and did in fact have full general anaesthesia. I’m not in the medical profession, but it’s my understanding that a D&C is the same basic procedure as an abortion.
Another person I know had a first trimester abortion about 15 years ago, as a teenager. She had general anaesthesia, in a hospital, and the entire procedure and followup was covered by her parents’ insurance.
I also have personal experience with a spontaneous second-trimester miscarriage. In this case they simply permitted the labor to continue on its own (for 2 days) since it was not possible to save the pregnancy. The doctor explained to me later that after a certain point it’s generally safer to do that rather than a D&C since one thereby avoids the risk of damage to the uterus.
My sister, about 15 years ago, age 20 or so. She was on the pill at the time.
She got some minor infection, went to the clinic. Asshole doctor (I was treated by this guy; he really is an asshole) prescribed some antibiotic. Asshole doctor neglected to ask her if she’s taking any other medications. She didn’t think to tell him.
Not long after this, her boyfriend unceremoniously dumped her. (This tale includes more than one asshole)
Fast forward a couple weeks. She found she was late. Went to the clinic again, guess what, that particular antibiotic A) renders oral contraceptive ineffective and B) causes massive birth defects.
I wasn’t around when she had the abortion, so I don’t know what the conditions were.
She’s got a 8 year old now, my favorite nephew. I guess we all feel bad that things happened that way, but what else could she have done? Be a single mother with a massively disabled child that, after $$$$$$ were spent trying to keep it alive, would mostly likely die or have something not even resembling a life? It was a tragedy all around.
(We shoulda sued asshole doctor, but we didn’t, I don’t know why)
I was the support person for someone at one point, about 6 years or so ago.
The folks at the Morgentaler clinic were as nice as nice can be - none of the girls who were there seemed to be in pain, or nauseated - nothing like that. Some were emotional, obviously, but none were actually “in pain”. My friend was perfectly fine after the procedure - a little groggy from the valium, but otherwise she was perfectly fine. About an hour after the procedure, I walked her home.
It was the right decision for her at the time, and I respect that. I also have a LOT of respect for the clinic workers - nurses and doctors - who were very kind, non-judgemental, and who offered all the support my pal needed at the time.
So - no horror story to report on this end.