3 Weeks ago we had a good ultrasound at 7 weeks, strong heartbeat. This was my first pregnancy and I am 31 years old. Came in for a routine follow-up on Tuesday and there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound. The baby only grew for a few days after that first ultrasound.
The medical term for this I guess is ‘‘missed abortion’’ since my body has not processed the miscarriage. Having a dead baby inside me is pretty much the worst thing ever. The doctor briefly reviewed our options during that unhappy visit, I admit I didn’t process much. She said there was no medical necessity for us to make a decision right away.
So far my body has shown zero signs of miscarriage. I am still having morning sickness and all associated pregnancy symptoms (it has been a difficult pregnancy since I first started having symptoms.) I feel like I handled the first day pretty well, even went for a swim and went out with friends, but I am growing decidedly more mopey. Yesterday I woke up at 3am and couldn’t stop crying. Today I am seriously considering not getting out of bed. I’m wondering if getting things over with my inducing the miscarriage or doing D&C might make it easier for me to move on.
So I know this is a common experience despite how horrible it is. I am hoping some women would be willing to share their experiences of how they chose to handle the miscarriage (in the event a choice was possible.) General advice, support, etc. is always welcome.
Everybody knew about this since we thought we were past the riskiest stage (I thought I was 9 weeks at the first ultrasound but turned out to be only 7 weeks.) Everybody has been super kind and supportive. Sr. Weasel is supportive and loving as always. I’m probably one of the luckiest people alive in terms of the circumstances this is happening in. And it is still the worst thing ever.
I wish I had something helpful to contribute but my “miscarriage” turned into, a “huh, not sure what’s going on here” to a “whoops, ectopic pregnancy, it’s about to rupture” and the whole near-death thing kind of over-shadowed things.
Is it possible to get another ultrasound and review your options again? I don’t mean to downplay your loss, but you need to put your health first, and if there’s any risk of septicemia, please take whatever D&C or inducing is needed.
And please don’t let anyone shame you with comments like “this is why we don’t tell anyone till 12 weeks” - I think it’s cases like this where you really need people around you to support you and know what you’re going through.
I have never been pregnant and at this point, never will be. My mother never had a miscarriage, but her mother had two stillbirths. The first one, her first child, died in utero less than a month before birth. There was a snowstorm, and she and my grandfather had to go out and bring the cattle in. Grandmother tripped over something and landed on her belly, breaking the baby’s spine. I can’t remember any details of the second loss. Both were named, and both were remembered among their children when my grandparents died.
Please take good care of yourself, Spice Weasel, and know that we grieve with you.
I’ve never been pregnant to my knowledge; a friend’s first pregnancy turned out to be a placenta and bag but no actual baby. I know the doc gave her body a few days to realize it was not quite exactly pregnant, then there was some sort of medical intervention when things weren’t behaving, but not the details. From what I’ve seen in friends and family who’ve gone through miscarriages, it’s a mourning process pretty much like any other; having told people means, on one hand, that now you’ll have to inform people this particular baby won’t be coming, but on the other, that most will be sympathetic and understand it when you get all misty at weird times.
After a flawless pregnancy with my daughter, I had five early miscarriages in the space of two years. All of mine happened by six weeks. Early, but for an early-tester and obsessive cycle-tracker like me, that was still plenty of time to have gotten excited.
Even that early, a miscarriage hurts. A lot. Eventually I got so sick of the uncertainty, the heartbreak, and the pain that we gave up on having a second baby. Honestly, going over the hump of that decision-making process was liberating. Had we not had a child already, I might have gone for fertility treatments. I did have a surgery and a couple of incidental diagnoses, along the way, which only partially explain the problems.
Anyway, it sucks for a while and then you get over it.
Having re-read my first post in this thread, I’d like to apologise for my tone, and belatedly replace the “you need to” and “you should”'s with "when you feel ready to it, you could"s.
I know it probably won’t help, but I’ve heard so many people’s first pregnancy experience to end in miscarriage, that they almost think of it as the body having a trial run and preparing to do it properly the next time.
You make a really good point about telling people, because my initial thought was ‘‘maybe I shouldn’t have told people,’’ but then OTOH the thought of having to go through this alone makes me think I did the right thing. Usually when people grieve a loss, others know about it, it seems kind of cruel to have to be forced to deal with something like this in silence.
I miscarried my only pregnancy 27 years ago. At eight weeks, I had just discovered I was expecting. I had a D&C to avert the risk of septicemia and recovered well physically. However, emotional healing took a lot longer.
If I were to offer any advice, it would be to take care of yourself physically and lean on people who care about you for emotional support. One of my coworkers who had had a miscarriage kind of took me under her wing. That’s what helped me stay sane.
As many of you might remember, our original plan all along had been to adopt. I honestly never in my life thought I would be pregnant or give birth to a child. But when we finally arrived to the ‘‘ready for kids’’ stage, we realized there were still a lot of things about adoption we would need to work through, which would take time and counseling and frankly, I was tired of waiting. Seriously we’ve been having the, ‘‘Dear husband, I’d like to think about having kids soon’’ conversation since I was 23, but he was so stressed out as a Ph.D. student it just wasn’t the right time for him. I got pregnant very quickly, just a month after going off of the pill. Once I became pregnant it took several weeks to even mentally process the reality that I was pregnant.
But being pregnant sucks so much, I remember thinking that no matter whether this pregnancy turned out to be viable (because there is always a risk and I am grateful I at least knew there was a risk) I was not going to do it again. When I got that no-heartbeat ultrasound my first thought was ‘‘No way in hell I am going through this again. We will just adopt.’’
But while Sr. Weasel has always been on board with adoption, we have some differences about what the exact circumstances should be (age, race, etc.) And now that my new job fell apart and I resigned (last week - fun month!) we’re not even sure we’re going to live in this state through next year, which will definitely affect our decision to adopt and the length of that process.
So for some reason I have decided I’m willing to keep trying. I really can’t blame you for making the decision to stop after your first child, or any woman for any choice they make regarding conception. I don’t even understand fully why I’m willing to keep going. I think now that I’m going to try consulting working from home I am more comfortable with the range of physical and hormonal problems that have plagued me and will likely plague me throughout the whole process. When I’m working 9-5 it’s a lot harder to take time off to deal with endometriosis or PMDD or morning sickness or a miscarriage or whatever else I’m going through as a result of being off the pill.
Miscarriages suck. They suck a lot. My wife went through several as we were working toward having our family. It is a hard thing to talk about, and that sometimes makes it worse. My advice, for what it’s worth, is to be done with it quickly. It’s depressing to go back to square one, but the sooner you’re there, the sooner you can start off again.
Spice Weasel, I’m very, very sorry for your and Sr. Weasel’s loss - so very sorry.
I did want to address one question you asked in your OP - and that was if anyone could tell you if inducing or having a D&C made the healing process easier - and I can answer that for me, yes, it DEFINITELY did. At the advice of my Dr. I went the D&C route - almost right away - and it helped me immeasurably to begin to move on.
Thank you for addressing this as it is really the thing I am most concerned about. I am seriously considering this route and as soon as my phone is charged I’m going to call the doctor to discuss. I just want to move on.
I’m a little worried they won’t let me do it because I have no proof of insurance. It’s a long infuriating story but my husband started a new position and we are supposed to have insurance effective September 1st, but due to a processing error we had to mail the intermediary a check (they wouldn’t take a phone payment) so they can send our info to the insurance company. Until then we have no proof, though supposedly we are still covered retroactively through September 1st.
I don’t want to seem like I’m overlooking my husband’s grief in all this. He is grieving too. I just don’t feel comfortable speaking for what his experience has been. I think he is trying to be strong for me but he got violently ill the day we learned the news. We agreed that it would be up to me whether to not do do a D&C.
If it comes to that you can always go to Planned Parenthood and pay on a sliding scale. Although I’ve never been to a PP in NJ specifically, I’ve always found the doctors there to be competent and compassionate, in a variety of locations.
Thanks. I’m honestly not sure what to expect because my local Planned Parenthood does not do prenatal care, and could not possibly have been less helpful when I asked them for a referral. (She said, and I quote, ‘‘find an OBGYN.’’)
This was a shock to me because prior to this I have had nothing but positive experiences with PP. But everything’s different in Florida I guess.
Wow, that is terrible. I’ve use PP for gyn services in the NYC area (where they do provide prenatal care) and they were great. Seriously I’m shocked. Is using an NYC office an option?
