Brave Ladies, Please Tell Me About Your Miscarriage

In My Humble Opinion
21

Even from the guy perspective, this is most definitely true. We had two of them, both very early on (as in: just a few weeks after we knew we were pregnant to begin with), along with plenty of failed efforts to get pregnant in the first place. It is surely way less traumatic than losing a born child, but nonetheless…when my wife was pregnant, it felt like all the lights in the world went on, and afterwards, it felt like the world went back to gray.

So Spice Weasel, my heart goes out to you and your husband.

At the time of the second miscarriage, I was 51 and my wife was 40, so we decided at that point that our bodies probably weren’t going to do any better anytime soon at bringing a child into the world, so we adopted.

22

Holy wow, I uh, missed that. (Facepalm).

Anyway I have not experienced it myself but many of my friends have, sadly. From early miscarriages to full term stillbirths. I feel like there’s a crazy narrative right now that pregnancy/birth is predictable, and medically uncomplicated process. This just isn’t true. Shit happens all the time.

23

RT Firefly thank you for sharing your story. I didn’t really mean to exclude men from sharing their own experiences, I am just trying to make sense of all this in terms of procedurally what’s best/least painful for moving on.

I called my OBGYN and left a message for the nurse, so hopefully by this afternoon i will have some semblance of a plan.

24

Wow, this sounds like my worst nightmare. I have no experience to share, but you have all my sympathy.

25

You aren’t completely crazy. Up until June of this year I lived in New Jersey and NYC would have been an option.

You would think it would be relatively predictable since reproduction is arguably the entire point of existence (from a biological perspective.) But I was reading an article that makes an interesting point that considering we only have one child at a time (usually), our existence and relative dominance on the planet is pretty impressive. I always rolled my eyes at the ‘‘miracle’’ of childbirth thing considering it happens all the time. But when you look at everything that must be in place for life to be viable, it’s hard to think of a word other than miracle.
I was a fool to think pregnancy would be easier than adoption, there will be pain and turmoil and unpredictability either way. That doesn’t mean I’m giving up. I just didn’t realize every step would be a struggle. From the time we made the decision to start trying it has been difficult.

26

I hate to sound callous, but maybe this pregnancy was miserable for you because it wasn’t meant to be. Perhaps your body was fighting it all along. There’s no guarantee that your next pregnancy will be miserable, and I hope it’s successful.

My condolences to you and your husband. My sister had two miscarriages and a set of premie twins who died. But she also has 4 living daughters. Somehow you’ll have the family you were meant to have.

StG

27

Maybe, but my doc didn’t seem to think anything was out of the ordinary and I’ve talked to women whose morning sickness with their current living children was far worse. I’ve talked to mothers who puked every day until the day they gave birth. I think the reality is just that pregnancy sucks for most women most of the time. Unfortunately we don’t really get that part of the narrative until we go through it ourselves.

Last week I got pretty badly dehydrated and couldn’t even go for a walk without feeling faint, and spent a day in bed, but that was well after the baby’s heart stopped beating. Before the ultrasound I discussed how bad my symptoms were with the doctor and she wasn’t even worried at that point. I can list like 20 things going on the week the baby died that might have been a factor, but there’s no way of knowing why it happened. People say ‘‘don’t blame yourself’’ but it’s not necessarily about self-blame as much as wanting some control over whether it happens again in the future. It is a completely out of control unpredictable process and that is one of the reasons it sucks so much.

28

Also, I’m just not one of those people who thinks that everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe I will see my baby again someday in heaven, I don’t have faith that everything will work out for the best in the end, it must be helpful to truly believe that stuff but I’m not capable of thinking that way.

What I have is a reasonable belief based on statistical probability that if we keep trying we will probably eventually have a healthy pregnancy. I also know we are loved and supported no matter what. These two things are helping to get us through this.

29

First of all, you have my deepest sympathy. I have been in your shoes.

My son was almost 4 when I got pregnant again. Wesley was old enough to be excited about the new baby. My doctor offered to do an amniocentesis at 14 weeks because I was an older mom and wanted to be ready for anything.

I had the procedure and made a follow up appointment. It was a girl! A healthy, normal girl. Joy! Happiness! We were over the moon.

A week later, at the doctor for the ultrasound, and there’s no heartbeat. He tried again and again. The doctor told me to get dressed and he’d see me in his office to go over my options. At this point, I don’t know what I was thinking, maybe he’s got some other way to find the heartbeat, yes.

I’m not dumb or naïve, but I admit I fail to read between the lines sometimes. My doctor danced around the situation and I just didn’t get it. He then just came out with it, “Your child is dead. You need to decide what to do. Here are your options.”

I was shattered. So hysterical I had to be escorted out the back door and down to my car. I sat there for 45 minutes and sobbed. I called my husband and he met me at home. I really can count on him for anything. He is my rock, and he was crushed over this too. We both looked at each other and I said, how are we going to tell Wesley?

We told him that night and he took my hand and said, “I’m sorry, Mom.” Tears, you can imagine.

I had the D&C 4 days later. It took me a long time to get emotionally stable enough to deal with it, and sometimes I feel guilty for having the amniocentesis. What if I hadn’t had it? Would things be different?

Six months later, I got pregnant with my beautiful daughter. She was a solid 9 pounds at birth. She’s 12 now.

Sorry this is so long, but I want you to know, you have a lot of support from here. My very best to you and your husband.

30

I’m so very sorry for your loss.
I had a miscarriage (my second pregnancy) at 16 weeks. Well, what I actually had was an “unsuccessful pregnancy” and after the ultrasound we had to make the choice between having the D&C or just allowing my body to keep on until the inevitable happened.
I went home undecided, but by morning it was clear to me that I couldn’t just hang in there and let nature take its course. I had just started wearing maternity clothes. I couldn’t stand looking at myself in the mirror or facing the inevitable questions if I was out and about. It was a weekend so I had to wait to schedule the procedure. As it happened, I developed septicemia and had to go in for an emergency D&C the following evening. I was very glad I had the D&C, and not only because by then I was so sick I felt like I would die. I needed to have it be real, I guess.
It sucks to go through this…but you will get through it. Please allow yourself to grieve however you need to. I still plant flowers for my baby, even if no one but me knows it.

31

I am really sorry you and your husband are going through this. I’m glad you have support, and you do seem to be taking the right steps in taking care of yourself.

I’ve had seven early miscarriages in the last seven years while trying to conceive our first child (no luck yet, unfortunately). It is devastating, but it does get better with time.

If possible, it might be worth talking to a grief counselor if one is available to you. I find that most people don’t talk to anyone and carry their grief with them for years, never really dealing with it.

I agree with the suggestion to get a D&C. It will help you move on. If you are interested, you may be able to do testing on the baby to determine a cause. There are pros and cons to doing this - if you find a cause, you can blame it on something. But if you don’t find a cause, you might blame it on yourself (please don’t).

32

BUT often times with early miscarriages there was a physical problem with the fetus. Sorry this pregnancy didn’t go as you hoped, but you will have time to try again I am sure.

33

I am so sorry Abra, I am really fortunate that my husband happened to be there in the room at the time. There was no real reason to be there as it was supposed to be a routine check up. When she first couldn’t find the heartbeat on the regular ultrasound I pretty much knew the score, but she had a hard time finding it the last time and the transvaginal had shown the heartbeat that time. But I knew with the transvaginal showing no heartbeat that there was no hope, even more so because she baby’s growth had stopped several weeks before.

Once I got dressed my husband asked to clarify if there maybe weren’t some kind of mistake. She said she wouldn’t be discussing the termination options if she weren’t confident that the pregnancy was no longer viable. She did offer to do a follow up ultrasound in a few weeks as sometimes people wanted to make sure before they decided to terminate. I found that incredibly sad.

I’m not saying I haven’t fantasized about it all being some massive misunderstanding, something wrong with the ultrasound machine or something equally unlikely, and my husband admitted he has these fantasies too, but we both know that these are just fantasies.

That’s the hardest thing and maybe the better thing about choosing to do the D&C. It forces us to let go of the fantasies.

34

I think what I read is that most times it is just some genetic random error in which the pregnancy was never viable from the moment of conception. Maybe that is more along the lines of what St. Germain meant.

35

Very sorry for your loss Spice Weasel. I had a very similar experience with my first pregnancy (I was 34) and it was a very bad few weeks. The D&C went smoothly, although there was some cramping for a few days afterwards. The sadness took more time.

We went on to have a couple of kids (at 35 and 37) and with no particular issues.

36

Spice Weasel - Yep. that’s what I meant. Some chemical/physical abnormality that caused your body to try to reject it. I was trying to be delicate, which I don’t do very well. However, it could be that pregnancy just sucks for you. I remember my sisters pretty much feeling fine throughout their pregnancies - the sort of women who don’t have any issues through pregnancy, give birth to 10 pounders with no epidurals and leave the hospital within hours because they feel fine.

StG

37

Spice Weasel, I am truly sorry. I hope, whether you decide to try again or adopt, that you and your husband are blessed with a beautiful, healthy child.

38

Proxy for Mrs M - we had a very similar story 16 years ago, except that the zef was not showing signs of life at the first scan. She went in for the tidy-up*, we cried a bit and carried on as normal although she wrote a very moving poem to help her process the grief… and about two cycles later she fell again and our first child was born only about four months later than we’d originally been expecting. Here’s sending you hopeful thoughts for the future.
*Which at the time they called an ERPC - Evacuation of the Remaining Products of Conception.

39

I’m sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult process. I’m glad you told people you were pregnant, because now you can lean on them for support. LEAN! As with all death and loss, some people won’t understand or will say the wrong thing. But others will show their love and support.

Try not to make too many big life decisions while in these first days or weeks of processing your loss. You don’t have to decide right now whether you will pursue another pregnancy or adoption or anything. Try to give yourself some space to breathe and to think and to heal and to adjust.

I wish this hadn’t happened. I’m so sorry.

40

Not the first time I’ve run into this phrase ‘‘products of conception.’’ Worst. Euphemism. Ever. I honestly think I prefer ‘‘dead baby’’ because that’s pretty much what it is to me and my husband.