Brave Ladies, Please Tell Me About Your Miscarriage

In My Humble Opinion
41

Oh Spice Weasel, I am so, so sorry. I don’t want anyone to be in this club, not even my worst enemy, let alone someone I think is as wonderful as you. I so wish this had not happened to you.

This happened to me with my pregnancy last year – at my 16-week ultrasound there was no heartbeat, and the doctor thought the baby had not grown since 14 weeks. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, although I say that having had an extremely sheltered and good life. In any case it sucked really, really badly. I thoroughly empathize with what you say about walking around knowing you have a dead baby inside of you. I don’t think I’ve ever cried as much as I cried that month. And I also had terrible morning sickness up until the moment I delivered – I concentrated all my rage and hate on that, for some reason; I am still bitter that my body wouldn’t even let up on that.

I had an induction (I would have liked to get a D&C but I was too far along, and the local hospital doesn’t do D&E, which I’d probably also have chosen over induction). The waiting (with my dead baby) was terrible, but the actual procedure wasn’t too bad. I was afraid of the pain and of handling it by myself (I am a total wuss) and the doctor said it was safer to do it in a hospital anyway, and I’m glad I did. And yes, it did help me to go ahead and move on.

I will warn you though that even with insurance the hospital stay was really annoying to deal with, billing-wise – it’s a huge amount and we have a high deductible, and there was some snafu where the insurance company wouldn’t okay it the first time around because they said it wasn’t warranted, but my ob-gyn’s office fought that battle for me and won (which I was so thankful for, because I was not equipped to do anything at the time except cry all over them).

My husband and I dealt with it very differently. Because he didn’t have the baby growing inside of him, I don’t think he was really nearly as attached to it (no blame or judgment, just a fact of life; I was actually mostly glad that he didn’t have to go through as much pain as I did), and he recovered more quickly. I was a wreck for a month, and after that for three months I was a wreck when my hormones surged (it took about three months for my body to calm down entirely), and then at other times like the expected due date and Mother’s Day. My poor husband was very good about comforting me, but we mostly grieved separately – I didn’t feel like burdening him with my months of unhappiness – and church sucked so badly on Mother’s Day that he’s probably now known at church as That Guy Who Made His Wife Cry on Mother’s Day. (I laugh about it now, but it was horrible at the time.)

I had told some people about the pregnancy, and I was so glad to have their support and love. I wish I had told more people, because the people we were close to we ended up telling about the miscarriage anyway. The one good thing to come out of this whole mess was to know how wonderful the people in my life are.

In my case I had some warning – I had had the over-35 MaterniT21 test that showed that the baby had T21, so we were seriously thinking of aborting in any case. So it wasn’t as devastating, in that sense, because we had some warning, it didn’t come out of the blue like it did for you, but it kind of spread the awfulness over more time, if that makes any sense. (And there’s the weird awful guilty relief of not having to decide to abort or not, but anyway, that’s not relevant to you.)

As other posters have also indicated, I would repeat that a miscarriage this late often (though not always) indicates a severe problem with the fetus, as it did in my case. (Severe morning sickness is also sometimes indicative of a trisomy, although I know lots of women who had severe morning sickness and perfectly healthy babies.) If it is a possibility for you, you may want to check into getting the fetus karyotyped just for your own knowledge. (It was also helpful for me to know there was nothing I could have done, that my poor little boy was doomed from the moment of his conception. I don’t know whether that would be comforting to you or not – people vary – but it helped me. Also that trisomies are almost always total flukes – we just drew a bad number in the lottery. I find the law of probability to be much more comforting --sometimes you draw a bad number – than an assertion that Things Happen For Reasons, which uuuuugh.) ETA: it did cost several hundred dollars to karyotype which was not covered by insurance (since it was optional) so you should check into price and how much peace of mind is worth to you. I didn’t check how much it cost and I should have.

I hope you don’t mind this is such a huge post; I wanted to put down anything that might help you. I am so, so sorry. And you will get through this. And the odds are really, really good that if you try again it will be fine.

I also found the grief and loss boards on babycenter to be useful (I’m not sure what the SD protocol is on linking to other boards, so won’t link there in this post).

42

I’m really sorry for your loss, Spice Weasel. And the losses of everyone else sharing here.

43

I’m so, so sorry. Nothing I can say will make it suck less, but maybe there’s hope in my experience:

I miscarried at 3 months - spontaneous, so at least I didn’t have to make a decision on waiting for Mother Nature or having a D&C. It was right before Christmas, and I had just finished the last of my shopping and put the bags in the trunk of the car, when I began to hemorrhage, and I knew it was hopeless. That early, and that sudden, and that much blood loss? No way to save the baby. I hadn’t yet told anyone except my husband, and I was reasonably glad of that - I would have slapped the first mealymouthed person who told me that “everything happens for a reason” or compared my lost baby to an angel or some shit. It was a rough few weeks, but it got better.

I went on to have two more completely uneventful, full-term, healthy pregnancies. I will always carry the emotional imprint of that loss, and wonder “what if,” but I’m accused sometimes of being a little too pragmatic. What seems like the end of the world, in the moment, recedes and becomes a memory that gives you pangs of sadness and regret, but it gets better.

And personally, if faced with that horrible choice? I’d have the D&C as soon as I could. There’s nothing to gain and a good bit to risk by waiting.

((((Hugs))))

44

So sorry to read all this. I know it’s a not uncommon thing, as said, a club no one wants to be a member of. That’s all. My own baby was a week overdue, and I went for ultrasounds every day. It never occurred to me that there might be something wrong! And there wasn’t, she was just late. (But later on I got a cold chill when I realized there was a chance she could have died in utero.)

45

I know this must be emotionally upsetting for you.

However, from a rational perspective, your fetus is a mechanism. An incredibly complex mechanism. It has a ticket tape of base 4 code to obey, code that was generated semi-randomly from genes from you and your partner.

There are countless ways this can go wrong, where a corrupted symbol that is harmless to either your or your partner will result in the fetus failing at a particular stage.

It’s just something that can happen and will happen due to fundamental rules that biology operates by.

46

I’m so sorry for you and your husband.
I lost my first, I don’t know why. Then had 3 normal kids…
I wish you all the best,please take care of yourself.

47

My mother had a late miscarriage. I don’t know much about it, because she never talked about it. A friend had a miscarriage around 12 weeks, and it was especially sad because she had waited and even then only told family and our close group of friends at a dinner party, and then she found out within a couple of days that it had passed.

I had an ectopic pregnancy - not nearly the same thing, and I didn’t even know that I was carrying until I had a CT scan for persistent and worsening stomach troubles that showed I had very recently miscarried. I was totally stunned, and then felt horrified that I could have a potential person inside me, and not even know. It’s still a really strange mixture of puzzlement and muted loss, because it was gone before I even knew about it. I remember being vaguely grateful that I wouldn’t have to do anything further medically, but I have a fraught relationship with doctors.

I’m so, so so very sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry that I can’t offer anything but condolences, and another (somewhat) member of the club.

48

As much as I appreciate hearing others’ stories, I really hate that so many people are able to participate in this thread.

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow morning to discuss termination options.

49

I’m so sorry for your loss.

My wife miscarried twice before finally giving birth to our son. The first time was especially devastating, since we were totally not expecting it. The ultrasound technician couldn’t find a heartbeat. My wife was sobbing for hours.

She had the D&C as soon as possible, it helped physically if not emotionally.

50

I had a mis as a single college student. But it was extremely early in the pregnancy. I knew within hours of the occasion that I was pregnant (I don’t know how but I was 100% sure). About 4 days later, I got that queasy feeling. I made an appointment at PP to confirm the pregnancy and to discuss all my options, as I wasn’t sure if I would keep the baby, adopt out, or abort.

They would not schedule the appointment until I had gone two weeks beyond the first missed period. But I went and yes, I was right. Two days later, I was no longer pregnant and the whole decision dilemma was over almost before it began. It was almost like having a late period with more cramping than usual. I still think about it occasionally. I never got pregnant again.

51

I am so sorry. I had three pregnancies that miscarried and landed me in the ER; I suspect another couple of times that terminated early. My sister also had problems conceiving; so perhaps a little-understood genetic component to this.

I’m sure that is no consolation, because I know that the end result is “not a viable fetus” or bluntly “dead baby.” But there are many hopeful tales as well.

Probably no consolation, but my sister and her husband weathered the storm, then adopted a baby, and then promptly got pregnant with a child that was apparently impossible to conceive. Leaving my almost-40-year-old sister with a hyperactive toddler and a newborn within the same year. She managed but it was a tough couple of years!

52

I can’t relate any personal experiences but I just want to say this is one of the times I am so proud of the members of this board. I’m sorry that all of you had to go through these experiences but I am very glad that all of you are willing to be generous and as helpful as possible to the OP by sharing your experiences. What a lovely group! And Spice Weasel, best wishes for the future and much sympathy for the present. Good luck.

53

I’m so sorry. My wife’s second pregnancy (after we had lost our first son) was a miscarriage. That was really, really hard. The second one, after Beta-chan was born, was much less painful.

Again, I’m so sorry.

54

It’s weird how hidden we’ve made this as a society. Every time my wife has opened up to someone she knows about fertility issues, or miscarriages, or whatnot, the response is ALWAYS the same: huge relief to find out there’s someone else out there who understands. These things are SO COMMON. They happen all the time, to lots and lots and lots of people. And yet they’re kept so secret that women often end up feeling like there’s something wrong with them if they experience it. It’s a shame.

And incidentally, my wife did an induced miscarriage at home with our first pregnancy. On Christmas Day, as a fun bonus. It wasn’t terribly fun, but from what I understand, it was less painful than a D&C - more like a bad period. Just to keep in mind.

55

If you think it’s not an option in the eyes of Planned Parenthood NY, you may want to check with them - a family member of mine had an abortion at PP NY when she was living in IL, because that’s where her boyfriend lived. Of course, there are lots of other reasons not to want to schlep to NY for medical care…I wish you luck in any case figuring all this out. I’ve heard nothing but good things about PP NY.

56

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, Spice Weasel.

My first pregnancy was similar to yours. The doctor saw a heartbeat at 7 weeks. When we went for the 12 week ultrasound, there was nothing there. The baby had died and been re-absorbed, but my body still thought it was pregnant. We really wanted to have a baby (had even reversed a vasectomy to try), so I was worried about the small risk of uterine perforation that accompanies a D&C. To avoid that, I opted for medical management with cytotec. I won’t scare you with the details unless you want them, but terminating the pregnancy ended up taking almost two months, finally ending with an evacuation with a cannula (similar to a D&C but not quite). It took longer than expected mostly because some tissue was left behind that the doc couldn’t see by ultrasound.

It was not possible to move on during those two months (three until my period resumed) because every day I was dealing with physical manifestations of the miscarriage. Honestly, I’m not sure what decision I would make if I was faced with another miscarriage. I feel like I could handle it now that I know how long it could last. It was presented as if a miscarriage is a single day event, which isn’t true for a spontaneous or induced miscarriage. The worst of it may be one day, but the bleeding lasts a while and it takes even longer for your body to return to normal.

The good news is that pregnancy outcomes are slightly better for the 6 months after miscarriage. I got pregnant on my first cycle after the miscarriage and am now 7 months along with a healthy pregnancy. If you want to continue trying, chances are good that you’ll have no problems.

57

As another data point, my D&C experience was completely painless, and I got Diazepam to boot. Miscarrying at home, on the other hand, was about 1/3 as bad as real labor. Which is bad enough that every time, I swore I’d never try to get pregnant again.

58

Spice Weasel, my sincere condolences for your loss.

I’m sorry I have nothing to offer by way of experience, even from a man’s perspective.
Instead, I’d just like to say I think you’re great and I’ve always appreciated your contributions to this board, even before I took the plunge and joined the Dope community myself. Your resilience is inspirational and your personality is uplifting.

Thank you for being brave enough to start this thread.
Thank you, also, to all you brave posters who have shared your experiences here.

59

That is terrible, I am so sorry to hear that.

My first several pregnancies ended in miscarriage, so in the hopes that you might find it informational, I’m going to be pretty clinical with some thoughts – but please know they’re all punctuated with a lot of [I am so, so sorry you are going through this].

Two of mine were somewhat similar to how you described your situation, one about the same time frame, the other just a bit later in the pregnancy.

In the first, I went for the “let nature take its course” option. It was considerably more painful than a bad period. My strong advice is to ask (pretty much demand) your doctor give you a prescription for painkillers NOW in the event you need them (even though you might not). When I called the nurse on duty in the evening hours, she told me to just to take Tylenol – there was not enough Tylenol in the world (and I think I took all the Tylenol in the house). In retrospect, I look back on this with fury that someone would tell me Tylenol was fine.

For the second, I opted for the D&C, having already had the nature taking its course plan. However, nature jumped in anyway and the miscarriage started the night before I was scheduled to go in for the D&C so I can’t actually compare the two.

I did make it to the pre-surgical appointment, where they do bloodwork and fill out paperwork and that sort of thing. This procedure is often called a “medical abortion” and that’s what was on all my paperwork. I know other women who have found this upsetting, even though you intellectually know it is medically necessary, “abortion” is such a socially fraught term - it shouldn’t be, but it is. In general culture, it generally implies you are making a choice, which you are not. So I mention this in case it’s helpful for you and your husband to mentally prepare in advance if this might be traumatizing.

Some women I know have found it emotionally helpful to request one additional ultrasound right before the procedure, to have that final assessment that the pregnancy is not viable. I think it’s worth doing if it gives you peace of mind.

The emotional impact SUCKS. First, it is genuinely one of the most sad and awful things that will ever happen to you. Second, your hormones are going insane, so on top of your actual sadness, there’s like this layer of palpable chemical craziness. This was very dramatic for one of my miscarriages, and not so much for some others … it’s really hard to predict but if it happens to you, it’s normal and doesn’t mean you’re not coping well.

This last point is very graphic, so again I apologize, but it’s something I wish I had known so I’m just going to say it. After the fact, I heard from some other women that they had chosen to keep the “products of miscarriage” and have a symbolic burial or ceremony, which honestly never occurred to me. It’s probably not something I would have chosen to do myself … BUT, I do wish I had at least thought it through in advance and made a firm decision, rather than having a “oh, it’s too late now anyway” feeling about it.

60

I had a miscarriage at 18 weeks. It truly, truly was the most awful thing I experienced, both from the emotional loss and the physical pain. I will spare everyone the details. I’d already had one child, and subsequently had another. No particular reason was given why this one went wrong. When I later asked the doctor why they didn’t do a D&C, the explanation was that at that stage it was safer. If I could have been knocked out for a simple procedure it would have been much less traumatic.

This was many decades ago, and no one suggested, nor did I look for, grief counseling. I know now I should have had something of that sort. I really thought I was OK, but looking back, I can see that I was in a deep depression which continued through my next pregnancy and into my younger daughter’s life.