Brave Ladies, Please Tell Me About Your Miscarriage

In My Humble Opinion
61

I’ve had two miscarriages, one early, one late, and five live births.

Miscarriages are extremely common, but you never realize that until you go through it, and the women in your life tell you their stories.

Your grief is not only for the baby, but for you and your husband. It’s not just the death of your child, but the death of that child’s future, the plans and the dreams.

And whoever saves a life, it is considered as if he saved an entire world. "

An entire world has died with the death of your child.

Grieve, get the d&c, keep on creating your world every single day, don’t let this become your defining moment.

62

Thank you so much for opening up to me. This isn’t over yet but it’s safe to say I can appreciate how painful it may be to rehash these awful experiences. I just hope someday my story can help someone else going through it, because so far nothing in the world has been more helpful than knowing that other women have gone through it and have found a way to carry on.

63

I’ve had some pretty rough life experiences but this one definitely ranks. It’s hard because I can’t compare it to anything else. It’s a different kind of pain, even a different kind of loss than the death of a loved one. Today was easier overall than the day before, with less crying, but I have the feeling my hardest days are still ahead of me. I thought when I called the doctor to make an appointment to discuss my options that it would be fairly straightforward, but no, it was actually really difficult for me to keep my composure just to schedule the appointment. I have the feeling meeting with the doctor tomorrow will be tough too.

I am going to share this thread with my husband as he has expressed interest in reading it. I think he is grappling somewhat too. It helps a bit to know what to expect.

64

My condolences. We lost a pregnancy at almost the same point as yours. My wife had a D&C, and we had testing done that showed that the developing baby had a fatal trisomy.

It was rough, and we took a long break from fertility treatment. We were strongly committed to our course of action, however, and we never seriously considered stopping altogether.

For your husband: Certainly, for a number of reasons, a miscarriage is going to weigh upon the mother much more than it does upon the father. However, many men can carry the responsibility of being supportive to an extreme of ignoring their own grieving process. A father has his own hopes and dreams that get lifted by a pregnancy and then dropped by a sad event like this, and it’s important for the man to allow himself some space to acknowledge those feelings. Moreover, sharing those feelings with the mother is not necessarily burdening her; rather, letting her know that he’s feeling the same grief can itself be a means of support.

Spice Weasel, by offering these thoughts to your husband, I don’t mean to minimize what you are going through, or to divert or supplant the discussion; I know you asked specifically for female perspectives. It’s just that I saw that you’d mentioned showing this thread to your husband, and so I thought it might be OK to offer a few remarks directed for his consideration.

65

Absolutely, Tom, thank you for your thoughts. I wish there were more resources about this from a men’s perspective. My husband and I actually discussed this tonight, as I told him I don’t want him to feel like his own grief is being overshadowed in this situation. He said he did not feel that way. He’s shed his own share of tears but I think he felt he had the luxury of being more distracted at times (he has gone to do some work, not full time but basic tasks that help him focus on other things.) He has gotten a lot of understanding at work, one of the clinics he works for sent flowers and his bosses have made it clear he’s not required to be there if he doesn’t feel up to it. He is going with me tomorrow to see the doctor but may work later that day, not because he has to but because it helps.

My husband is pretty much the best person on the planet. He had a friend call tonight (one of the many friends we left behind in Jersey) and was catching up with her. He knew she was going through a rough time so he talked to her about her own life situation for some 45 minutes before he told her about the miscarriage. He was afraid if he mentioned that first, she wouldn’t feel comfortable talking, and he said he was genuinely comforted by the opportunity to help someone else right now. I’m so frustrated that such an extraordinary human being has been robbed from the chance of being a father to this child.

I resigned from a new job last week so I don’t currently have a job. I was in the process of starting a career working from home when the miscarriage happened. I can’t tell you what these last couple of months have been like, moving to a new state, starting a new job, getting pregnant, hating the job, losing the job, and now losing the baby. He’s been worried about leaving me home and wants to make sure if I go through with the D&C he takes a few days off work. He thinks that because this is a thing that is physically happening to me it is harder for me to be distracted and the hormones are probably making it worse. So I think his sense overall is that this is affecting me more than him. I don’t know if that’s true but that is his perception.

66

Just posting to say how sorry I am and to wish you strength as you get through this.

67

My thoughts are with you, Spice Weasel. I haven’t been through this myself but I’ve metaphorically held the hands of far too many friends while they did. Each person experiences it their own way and there is no right or wrong. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve.

I think the wisdom of not telling people until the 12th week needs a footnote: as early as you like, tell the people you’d want to turn to if the worst came to pass. My dearest friend confided in me at six weeks and we had that moment of joy together. Three weeks later it was over and I was able to be there for her and console her, and I felt it was my privilege to do so; she gifted me that happy moment so early on and she gifted me her sorrow, and that was something precious between us. I would have been there for her had she only come to me for comfort when it was over but I’m grateful she values me enough to share her joys as well as her pain.

68

Sr. Weasel and I have discussed it and we’re definitely glad we told everybody. His work colleagues knew, our new friends knew, our relatives knew, and all of Facebook knew. And as a result we’ve received more support than we could have ever hoped for.

69

I’m so sorry :(.

I have two kids, and two known early miscarriages: “known”, because in hindsight, I strongly suspect that something that happened when I was 30 was an early one: we weren’t trying to get pregnant, and my cycles were wonky anyway, but I had a light period sorta when mine was due, then about 3 weeks later had a REALLY heavy one (as in, a tampon lasted an hour, and I had to buy new jeans while travelling).

Anyway: my first documented one was when I was 34 and we were trying to get pg. Spotting around the time the period was due, which I assumed WAS my period because of the wonky cycles, then about a week later something in my brain made me go hmmmm, and I took a home pregnancy test. Saw the doc, got it confirmed, then a week later started to spot.

An ultrasound showed no heartbeat, repeat blood work showed my hCG levels not rising, and I was given the option of either having a D&C or waiting for things to happen naturally. The doctor said that could be the next day or weeks, and I wanted to get it over with so I opted for the D&C.

I remember coming out of the sedation and being in a recovery area right next to where women who’d had c-sections were - and hearing a baby crying which was about the last thing I wanted to hear right then. I made them move me.

The next few days sucked. Not physically, but it was wrenching to be so hyped up then have it snatched away - and this was without having seen a heartbeat as you did so I can imagine you’re feeling exponentially worse and I’m so sorry.

Our story there had a happy ending - it’s asleep in the next bedroom (we were told we could try again after my next real period, and we did, and we caught).

I did have one other miscarriage after my son, a VERY early one (5 weeks). That was one of the sort that would have gone undetected if not for early pregnancy tests; there wasn’t even enough to see on ultrasound. Doc monitored my bloodwork that time because it was behaving a little like an ectopic pregnancy might have, but it was a non-issue.

70

Ugh. I understand that kind of situation is the reason why my local hospital has the new mothers in the “Obgyn” section and anybody else who’s under Obgyn treatment under “General Surgery”.

Thinking of the Weasel family. Where in Florida are you, more or less? I totally missed any references to that before this thread!

71

I’m so, so sorry. I know how much you were looking forward to your baby and how happy you were. I’m so sorry for your little one.

I had a miscarriage in my college days, when I was foolish about birth control. I don’t really talk about it as I never wanted children, but it was early on in the pregnancy, very early, before I had time to do anything. There was still a large amount of blood, though, and I went to the clinic (a real clinic, off-campus) to make sure it was all OK. My boyfriend at the time went with me. I don’t remember too much about it except the blood.

72

Gainesville. Sr. Weasel finally scored his graduate internship at UF. He’ll be graduating with his Ph.D. in October 2015.

73

Gainesville. Sr. Weasel finally scored his graduate internship at UF. He’ll be graduating with his Ph.D. in October 2015. This year was pretty much supposed to be our victory lap. We moved in June and I was pregnant less than a month later.

ETA: Sorry for the DP.

74

I’m so, so sorry.

I’m lucky enough not to have any personal experience here, so I wasn’t sure whether or not to post this, but please do keep in mind that this is an option:

A couple of years ago, where I live, there was this terrible thing where an ultrasound machine in a maternity hospital had been malfunctioning, and women - no one knows how many - had been told that there was no heartbeat when that wasn’t true. If I were to find myself in this situation, I would need to have an ultrasound on a different machine, by a different technician, before I was willing to have a D&C.

I know this is rare, and where I live is deeply fucked when it comes to many aspects of medical care, so you may feel safer. But do bear in mind that another ultrasound is an option if you think it would put your mind at ease.

75

Had a miscarriage of my first pregnancy January 2011. I was about 7 weeks pregnant, I think? It was a while ago. It was long enough to suspect I was pregnant, go to the doctor, get excited, tell our family, start looking for a new house (and tell the nice bank lady while getting our pre-auth for the mortgage) and then lose it. I just started bleeding at work one day and by the next day it was all over. Never saw anything other than a heavy period. I had drunk a huge amount of hibiscus tea the day before because being knocked up gives me a powerful thirst. Later I found out hibiscus is considered an abortifacient, so it’s possible that caused it.

ANYWAY, I spent a day being really sad, then a week being out of sorts, and then Birdman and I got right back in the saddle. I found out I was pregnant again less than a month after my miscarriage, never even had a period, and by counting dates it turned out I conceived exactly two weeks after the miscarriage. Turns out pregnancies conceived less than 6 months after a miscarriage have less of a chance of miscarriage. Also turns out my son is the greatest human being who ever lived.

I know this may sound strange, but I am grateful for my miscarriage. If I hadn’t miscarried, my son would never have been born. Sure, looking at it logically I know I would have had another child who I would consider the most perfect in all the world…but he/she wouldn’t be this specific kid.

76

Just jumping in to send condolences for everyone’s losses. As a librarian I was privileged to catalog and share many resources for infant loss and miscarriage (while the losses always made me sad, I loved being able to offer a hug and a supportive book.) There are a huge number of books and websites that can be helpful for those looking for support. The books tend to be very situation-specific. There are books for fathers experiencing miscarriage, books for kids whose expected sibling dies, etc. Many are published by the Centering Corporation, http://www.centering.org/index.php?page=book&id=21
They have numerous links to further support services.

77

Wow, I just don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry about all you’re going through lately, hope it gets better. ((Spice Weasel)) How was your doctor’s appointment?

78

I am so sorry. I had what the doctor believed to be a very early miscarriage when I was in my early twenties, but it was never confirmed (he offered to test, but why bother?). I don’t know if it counts because I didn’t know I was pregnant before it was over.

But, one of my best friends and I caught pregnant at about the same time. We thought it was wonderful, we had grown up together on the same street, and now our babies could too. We both wanted brown haired girls with brown eyes. Hers would be named Madison, mine would be Darby. Her due date was about two weeks past mine, just into Feb, when mine was mid Jan. We got into the habit of talking every day, she loved hearing what new feelings/symptoms I was having, because her development was just behind mine.

On New Years Day I received a phone call from her older sister. Apparently my friend hadn’t felt a lot of movement so she tried the orange juice trick. Nothing. They went into the ER. Two ultrasound techs and a doctor couldn’t find any movement or heartbeat. Madison was gone. They induced and delivered a perfect baby - there was a blood clot in the umbilical cord. They were devastated.

She came to see my daughter once. I haven’t heard from her in over ten years. I imagine it was just too hard to see girl and be reminded. I do know that once they had the all-clear to start trying again, she did get pregnant and has since become a mom several times over.

I never knew what to say to her, and I still don’t know what to say to you, SW. I am so sorry. I can tell you I have no doubt you will make a great Momma whether you adopt, foster or deliver your child(ren), since you already are a great Momma to this one, because you love this baby so much, no matter how short their life was. I am so sorry.

79

Wow, today was… in some ways very hopeful and in some ways very tedious and frustrating.

We met with the doctor, she was wonderful. I’m so grateful we found this clinic. The tech told me to get undressed for another ultrasound (?) and I did as ordered, but the doc said, ‘‘Uh, you didn’t have to do that.’’ (I didn’t think so.) She asked me if I wanted to do one last ultrasound. I said no. I saw my dead baby once, that was enough. It wasn’t just a matter of there being no heart beat, you could see on the ultrasound that there had been no growth past 7 weeks 3 days, and this would have been week 10.

I told her it was so hard to wait and she understood. She gave me the option of the inducing pill (miso…something) and the D&C. At that point I was pretty sure I wanted the D&C. I confirmed I will be out under general anesthetic during the procedure, that she was going to give me strong pain meds for the recovery, and that we can start trying again as soon as I am able. She said some sources recommend waiting 1-2 cycles before trying again, but she wasn’t sold on the evidence and given that I have endometriosis she said it would be better for me to get pregnant sooner rather than later (both for the pain factor and that childbirth often helps improve symptoms.) I asked her if there was any increased risk of miscarriage since I’d never even had a cycle when I went off the pill and she said none whatsoever.

Then I asked her about depression. (I have a long history of severe chronic depression.) I had been on 4 meds and tapered down to 1 when I got pregnant, and she gave me the go ahead to taper off the final one about a month ago. I asked her if being on the meds or going off the meds could have killed my baby, she told me absolutely not, there is no evidence that antidepressants increase the risk of miscarriage. I told her I was worried about a depression relapse when the HCG hormone starts dropping rapidly following the procedure, and she was worried too, so we are going back on one of my medications, Wellbutrin, the one that frankly I think had the most impact on my mental health. She told me to stay on it once I get pregnant again because it was way worse to be pregnant and depressed than pregnant and taking antidepressants.

Finally I asked her about an issue I have not yet shared on the Dope, I suppose it’s relevant here so I will share. I have pain with intercourse. Always have. For years we worked around it in other ways, but you can’t really get pregnant without doin’ it so I just sucked it up. It was bad enough that we had stopped trying which is why getting pregnant was a surprise even though we were trying because it was literally the last time we tried before giving up pending medical intervention. She referred me to a pain clinic, now that I don’t have a job I actually have time to get this addressed properly.

So even though we were discussing the D&C, we were also discussing the possibility of trying again in a way that I didn’t have to suffer every step of the way. That is when I felt hopeful for the first time since this started. Since we are having a hell of a time getting proof of our insurance right now, she waived the consult fee for the appointment today, gave me her cell phone number in case I need anything, and scheduled the D&C for Tuesday. Then in the waiting room we saw two adorable babies and couldn’t help but feel joy about them.

Then we spent the entire rest of the day (not kidding) waiting in pre-op registration in a different building. That was the tedious part. At one point on the anesthesia form it said, ''Is there any possibility you may be pregnant?" I started giggling because I had no idea how to answer that question. So I circled ‘‘yes’’ and then an arrow that added ‘‘not alive’’ with a frowny face. It was the frowny face that sent us over the top. We were laughing like loons and getting some curious looks.

The tedious day was followed by my husband calling once again to get our insurance situation straightened out. Tuesday we sent a $90 check via certified mail to an intermediary in Tampa who refused to send our info to the insurance company until we did (we were not notified this payment was due in the two months prior to them having all of our info.) The guy on the phone refused to check the mail to see if the check had arrived, and said the only thing we could do was personally deliver a different check to the UF HR department in Gainesville and request that HR send an e-mail to the intermediary confirming receipt of the check. We were NEVER TOLD about this option when we first called about this four days ago. So we had to drive there personally to deliver a second check, we won’t know until Monday if our insurance information is in the system and we can get coverage for Tuesday’s surgery. It will cost $7,000 out of pocket.

JOY!

TLDR: We left at 9:30am for the doctor’s appointment and didn’t get home until 4pm. Doctor addressed ALL my current health concerns and was really nice, then there were cute babies, then we were in pre-op registration for 5 hours, then screwing around with the insurance company. I will be getting D&C procedure on Tuesday and am looking forward to getting this over with so we can start trying again. I’ve had a few bouts of half-assed crying since getting home but honestly I’m too tired to grieve.

80

Oh sweetie pie, dear, nice poster, Weasel, I am so sorry for your loss. :frowning: Allow yourself to grieve and then try again.