I’m sorry to hear that, SW. Please give us updates about your thoughts and feelings.
You asked women about their miscarriages. Obviously, I never had one and I don’t know if it’s relevant that I had some link with one. If you think not, just skip the next paragraph.
When I was 10, I asked my mother to run with me and a friend. She fell, broke a bone and the hospital gave her cortisone. Since she was in 40s, they didn’t check for pregnancy I guess. She saw the result when she lost the first twin. Tests showed that the second twin would be born with severe psychological and physical impairment and would have a low life expectancy so she aborted it. Once in a while, I do feel some sadness and think about what my siblings might be like today.
I am so, so sorry, SW. The whole experience sounds dreadful. Once it is over and you feel up to such things, I think that a long, just-the-facts letter to your state insurance commissioner is warranted. No one should have to deal with all that at the same time that they are dealing with a medical crisis.
Of course your experience is relevant. I asked about women specifically because I was trying to figure out the least painful way to deal with it medically from women who have been through it physically. I feel reasonably confident the D&C is the way to go. But if this thread can also bring any comfort to any men affected by miscarriage I would welcome that.
I’m so sorry for your loss: my heartfelt condolences.
We had two miscarriages. The first happened on our first pregnancy when I was out of town on business, and the second happened after two kids and just after I had a vasectomy. Talk about bad timing.
Anyway, the first miscarriage was the only time I truly remember crying in my entire adult life. I didn’t dry when my father died, although he had cancer and it was imminent. But that first miscarriage just shattered me. So, men can also truly feel grief about these events. We know the baby is being carried by you, but damn, it’s still our baby too.
Again, my condolences, but these things are way more common than most people would believe. I’m not downplaying it: just pointing to facts.
SW, you are just amazing. I’m very sorry for your loss.
Definitely start back on your Wellbutrin- the flag was the not wanting to get out of bed. I’d bet the hormone dump had already started.
I had a miscarriage in my early 20s, well before ultrasounds were used. It hurt worse than labor. I had a form of endometriosis called adenomyosis, so had horrible periods anyway, but at about 12 weeks from LMP it was just ripping and tearing pain. At rest stops, on the highway…glad to hear you will have the procedure.
My children were born at 33 and 36. I don’t even remember labor pain, though I know it hurt, but it’s REALLY different.
PM me, the ISSVD and ISSWSH member if you’d like chat about managing the dyspareunia.
I’m very sorry. When I was seven weeks along with this pregnancy I thought I might be miscarrying (I ended up going to the ER the next day but the baby turned out to be fine). I asked advice from a friend who did in fact miscarry her first at around that time. She had the D&C and said it was a very easy recovery, nothing some ibuprofen couldn’t handle, and it helped her to move on emotionally. They conceived again without trouble a short time later, and have the most gorgeous little girl now.
Oh hon, this has been such a long awful process with the insurance crap on top of it. That last bit has me a little concerned for you, and I’m glad you talked with the doc about depression. I’m in the depression club too (and isn’t THAT another great club to be in) and that wording of being too tired to grieve really screams depression to me. It’s odd in a way, because lots of people (depressed ones as well as the lucky unaffected ones) feel like depression is sadness, but when it’s really bad, I wouldn’t even feel sad - just tired and grey and worn out. Being sad took more effort than I had to spare.
I think that getting back on the wellbutrin again will be good, and I hope that the hormonal shifts are as gentle as possible for you. Take care of yourself.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve had 8 or 9 first-trimester miscarriages, several D&Cs, an ectopic including emergency surgery and loss of my tube, and 2 living kids.
My advice if any, is to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. There is no right feeling to have around this miscarriage.
Some of mine I can’t even tell you the year it happened any more. Others though I carry around in my heart and I know exactly where and when it all happened but I have mourned and moved on. And then there is one in particular who is as important as my other kids are to me, and who will be my loved-and-missed baby for the rest of my life, and beyond.
Anything you feel is right. There is no script. Its perfectly normal to want to staying bed for a month and cry and do nothing but think about what might have been. Its also normal to feel like you are ready to let go and move onwards. Whatever you do is right, so give yourself permission to respect your own feelings as valid, no matter what they are.
And be gentle to yourself. As nice to yourself as you would be to someone else in the same situation.
My heart sincerely goes out to you and your husband.
I’m doing my best to stave off the depression. I got in a little exercise today (literally like 5 minutes, but it’s a start.) I started back on Wellbutrin today also. I kind of got into it with my fitness coach (who is also a good friend) for this decision because he doesn’t understand mental illness and never will. He’s worried I’m falling apart and really it’s more like a preventative measure. People seem really worried about me lately and it’s sort of bugging me. All things considered, I am doing okay right now.
I decided to pitch an article to Cracked (the comedy website)about miscarriage. The more I think about it, the more it drives me nuts that such a common experience is never discussed. They’ve covered many dark topics so I thought they might be willing to consider this one. I don’t know if they will be interested in it or not, but writing it has been therapeutic.
Sr. Weasel and I both decided we didn’t want to avoid babies and things about babies. I’ve got a new friend, our first interaction was last week, we went over to her house to meet her 11 month old son. At that time I thought my baby was alive, so I asked her every conceivable question I could about parenting a newborn, and she promised to be my guide and buddy through pregnancy. Of course she was one of the first people to contact us when the news of the miscarriage broke. I was like ‘‘okay, we can do this.’’
So we went over for dinner tonight. Her son is ridiculously adorable. He’s also like a really happy, well-mannered baby, and he just learned to walk this week. When she showed us a new toy she just got for the baby, that’s when I started to feel it. I was really worried I was going to break down right there.
We talked a little about the miscarriage, and some other stuff, and it was okay. But I ended up cutting the evening short because I am tired, and then as soon as we got to the car I started crying. I am so tired of crying. I’m sure ‘‘too tired to grieve’’ is part depression, but it’s also part, ‘‘I’ve done this a thousand times and it hurts and I don’t want to do it any more.’’ Every time I think like, ‘‘hey, I got this’’ something comes up and I just feel my heart ripped out all over again.
Uugh I’ve started bleeding and cramping a little, I hear this can take weeks. I don’t know if they will let me go through with the D&C once I start but I’m hoping they will because I don’t want to go through this for weeks.
They probably will. With my first miscarriage, I was bleeding a bit for a few days before the D&C. My doctor encouraged me to go ahead and do the procedure, I’m sure because it was a few days before Thanksgiving and she wanted it done and over with before it interrupted her holiday. I’m glad I got it though…much easier to have it in the past instead of dragging out for who knows how long.
Backing up…I’ve had two early miscarriages. Had a D&C on the first one, then for the second it wasn’t necessary. Yes, it sucks majorly and I’m so sorry for your loss. I will say, though…I immediately got pregnant after each of these miscarriages and have two happy and healthy kids to show for it. It was as though my body needed a “practice run” in order to get “really” pregnant. I truly hope that is the case for you as well.
I decided not to do the D&C and just let it happen. The feelings here are layers deep, and every time I think I’ve gotten to the core of the grief, I find myself plunged even deeper. Nothing I’m feeling is even in the ballpark of rational, but I feel like I need to go through this in its entirely in order to fully accept it. In some weird way I want to be there with the baby as it passes.
Today has been really, really hard. I was really depressed and lost. My husband isn’t doing great either, so we put together a plan for getting our career stuff back on track. We agreed we can’t just sit around for weeks moping and feeling awful. We’ll give ourself the space for grief but it’s time to start carrying on with life.
My sister in law had painful intercourse too; that conversation in a very public area, with Mom (the widow) and me (the, uh, not exactly maiden) giving her advice on “stuff to try” was the most surreal one I’ve ever had. I understand the issue mostly got solved and know for sure I’ve got two nephews.
May your children, biological or adopted, be every bit as wonderful as those two.
Oh sweetie pie, I read these words and cry. I am so very sorry for your pain. I have been through similar experiences and I can tell you that it wounds like very little else. Please take care of yourself and let others be as kind to you as they can.
I’m undecided again. I must decide today. Someone brought up to me the risk of sepsis if I wait and that is a good point. I am going to therapy soon and hopefully it will help me reach the decision that is best for me.
See, I kinda have this rule that I don’t make important decisions when my judgment is impaired by strong emotion or mental health problems. Problem is that this is a decision I have to make when ‘‘impaired’’ doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Oh sweetie. Yeah. I have never had clinical depression (although I did once have thyroid-induced depression so I know a tiny bit how it feels), didn’t have it after my miscarriage, but I definitely had that feeling of “heart ripped out all over again oh come on seriously AGAIN?” Over and over again. I totally get what you’re saying about being tired of crying. I’m so sorry. It will suck and suck. I can’t deny that. But it will get better. It will. Sometimes two steps forward one step back. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself.
I’m so sorry you’re asked to make such a decision at such a time, and with incomplete information. I remember that too. I think I personally would have been fine either with the surgical procedure or the induction (those being my particular choices), but some women do feel that they want to be there with the baby. I found that having it just be over with was the most important thing for me. But everyone’s different, and I know you have the depression/hormone interaction to worry about (unfortunately I have no knowledge on that score).
I also seem to remember the risk of sepsis is something like 5% (your ob-gyn should know the actual number). Low, but not super-low.
If it helps, it’s probably not an important decision. It’s a PAINFUL decision, but either way will get you to the same place, and while one might be marginally less traumatic than the other, in the sum total your life will probably be the same either way. This looms large because of the emotional content around it, not because it has vital consequences.
In no way, shape or form am I trying to downplay how painful this is. I am sure it’s awful. But your agency in any of this is tremendously limited, and you can cut yourself some slack here.
