^^^^ Yeah.
“Because I don’t wanna” is an acceptable reason to not date someone. And who the heck would think otherwise??
I am done with online dating, at least for now…because I found someone very compatible.
Deal breakers to the point I wouldn’t contact them: Smoking. “Looking for a man of God”. Profiles rife with spelling and grammar errors. (“Im not into bar seen”) Profiles where every picture shows them drunk or consuming alcohol. Obvious negative or hostile attitude.
With women I had some corrispondance/meeting with,
Reasons I chose to break off, or not begin:
-She’s scamming the SS disability system: just got tired of working. Also takes offense to fairly innocuous comments questions, like me asking if she thought her 20 something daughter was on track for a happy life. Also claims to be an author yet her missives are filled with grammatical errors.
-She never trained her dog (sweet dog) and yells at him constantly in grating fish wife voice. (note to self: English accents are not always charming.)
-There is not one dish on any menu anywhere that doesn’t require quizzing the wait staff and requesting 1-2 ingredients be omitted. Mostly it was texture objections, but the egg allergy was really limiting as far a choices of places to go have breakfast.
-Evidence of excessive drama. Three kids, each with different fathers, ex husband still co-parenting youngest kid. I worked out that one kid was fathered by brother of dead first husband. Unstable employment.
-Used 10 yr. and 40# out of date photo in profile.
I prefer the “We have nothing in common,” expression.
I think you guys are going too far. Saying there are no unacceptable reasons just isn’t true. If you found out your friend categorically rejected dating black people, would you just accept that from them? I wouldn’t.
It would similarly be wrong to reject people for not being racist, for that is itself indicative of racism on your part. This is just something that works in any social situation. It’s wrong to only be friends with, date, marry, go into business with, work with, or anything else with racist people.
I’m not saying you have to find anyone attractive. It’s the categorical rejection of a race that makes you racist. And racism is still wrong, just like any other form of bigotry. And it is specifically looking for a bigoted person to marry is also wrong.
You can’t help who you are attracted to, but you can help not being a racist/sexist/asshole/etc. Any system that acts like you have a right to do those things in any situation is wrong.
No, that doesn’t mean you can force someone to be in a relationship with you, just like you can’t force someone to stop being racist. But we don’t have to find racist attitudes acceptable.
If any reason were acceptable, that would be the case. You’ve got to restrict the reasons to those which are not inherently immoral.
Well, of course this (and the various variation on this in the thread are true), but I think the OP rightly noticed that there’s a difference in reaction for different reasons we give. For example, I remember in past threads about herpes, various people condemned those who stated they would never date someone with herpes as shallow, unreasonable or focussed on the wrong things. Whereas people who flat out refused to date homophobes could count on much more understanding. I actually agree with both these assessments, but I do think it shows that, even if of course you can date whoever you want for whatever reason you want, people will tend to judge you negatively for some criteria more than others.
In which LSLGuy learns what a sleestak is. I always thought sleestak was a nice username, but had no idea what it was.
You’re talking about what’s acceptable to function in society, but I think most responses are discussing the personal criteria that need(s?) be met to function in a day-to-day relationship with someone. It’s not okay to discriminate against seniors when hiring for a job, renting out an apartment, selling rutabagas, or whatever. It’s perfectly fine to reject the advances of an octogenarian when you’re twenty-three.
Extremely well put, Lowdown.
Yeah, okay. But would you respect someone who said: “The guy I’m dating is a neo-nazi who thinks gay people should be cured, black people are inferior and the holocaust never happened. But he’s kind of hot, and the sex is great so we’re good”.
You are not your partner. But there comes a point where who you are willing to date does reflect somewhat on you. If it’s more than a fuck, you will have to take this person to parties and have your friends chat with them - and some of your friends are probably gay, Jewish, black…
Depends on how much money she has.
If they were bold enough to tell me, a black person, about their lack of preference for my kind, I would be bothered by it, yes. Why would they tell me something like this unless they wanted to hurt my feelings?
But if I looked at a friend’s dating history and found that all their dates have all been white folk, I’d shrug my shoulders. And if I asked them to explain themselves, well, I’m being nosy and deserve to feel butthurt if they say “I don’t want to date black people.”
It’s unacceptable to be mean to people. It’s unacceptable to discriminate against them in the workplace and in housing on the basis of their physical appearance. But it’s not unacceptable to have negative feelings about someone–because feelings themselves are neither right or wrong. Feelings don’t hurt people. Actions do.
I would say that my problem with your example is ‘this person is a racist’, not ‘this person choosing to date people who match their values is a problem’. I don’t think that choosing to only date people you’re not racist against is wrong, it’s the racism itself that I have a problem with. This might seem like splitting hairs, but to me it’s a pretty significant difference because telling people ‘you can’t choose who to date’ is on the edge of a slope I don’t want to start down.
That was an interesting thing in the thread that prompted this - several posters asked ‘why would you care about something that won’t actually affect the stuff you do day to day?’ when people said that ‘thinks gay people are wrong’ is a dealbreaker. I think the people with that opinion stick to rather conservative social circles, since I would find it unusual to go to a party where only M-F couples and single people turned up
Lenny Bruce covered this dilemma. He had a bit about a white Southern guy who is given the chance of sleeping with a white woman or a black woman. This is 1960 or so. Then he adds - the white woman is Kate Smith, the black woman is Lena Horne.
Generalizations suck.
Heh. I love that movie.
It’s not them; it’s me.
You can’t help the way you feel. I was thinking about this thread the other day. When I was much younger, I was enormously attracted to white guys. I love blue eyes, silky blond hair, and it just seemed like a ticket into normalcy.
Fast forward 20 years and I am pretty glad I didn’t end up with a white guy. Does that sound racist? I guess it is. But I don’t want to be with someone who hasn’t lived the minority experience in this country. I don’t really want to be with someone who wouldn’t know at least a little what it’s like to be me. What it feels like to balance two distinctly different cultures and constantly be pulled in both directions.
But I’m not racist against white people. I mean, I’d have a really hard time, since all of my friends are white, all of my coworkers are white, all of my bosses are white, etc., etc. I just don’t want to date one.
But if a white guy asked me on a date I wouldn’t give as a reason, “I don’t date white guys.” Like you say, though, if you look in my dating history, you’d see that I dated no white guys. Let me also add that this is partly because the white guys I liked never asked me. I know at least some of them didn’t want to deal with an interracial relationship either.
Marriage
If one of us is married that’s deal breaker for me.
%%$#$$%$## doublepost!
Maybe both of you are married?
Waitaminute, the OP doesn’t really specify: Who’s doing the accepting (or refraining from accepting)? Is it people on the sidelines who don’t have any stake in the person’s romantic choices, but might evaluate those choices with an eye to deciding if the person is worth being friends with? Or is it potential partners?