I was training some techs on equipment calibration and needed to quickly go over the concept of scaling. I was kind of winging it and didn’t stop to think before I raised the thumb and index finger of a hand and said, “Say this is two inches…” We were all chuckling but there was no way to go except forward so I went on, explaining that a nominal two inches might be longer or shorter, depending on who is doing the measuring and which ruler is being used.
Watching the comedic movie The Party with a couple of friends. There’s a scene where Peter Sellers’s character has to use a bathroom, but they are all being used. He spots a cat’s litter box.
Me: Oh, no.
Friend: He wouldn’t stoop so low.
She said it in all innocence, and couldn’t see why the two of us went into hysterics.
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In college, just after the Christmas break. My friend’s dad had given him a glass or maybe acrylic sculpture of a head. No neck, it wasn’t a bust; just a head. It was black and all artsy and very cool and he made a big deal of showing it off to each of us. Later, during the drinking games, my friend had to offer a toast: “To the head my dad gave me for Christmas.”
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Just a couple hours ago, after a meeting, in the elevator ride, a former boss turns to me to ask how I’m doing and I mention I just adopted a new dog. She wanted to know what kind and I told her my dog is a pitbull. Her face changed (fake fear) and said, “Oh, those dogs don’t have a very good name.” Another co-worker piped up in my dog’s defense (she knows my dog’s name) and said, “Well, I think Harriet is a very good name for a pitbull.”
One more: There’s a church near my house that has buses they use to, presumably, go pick up worshipers who don’t have rides to church. On the back of each bus, there’s a slogan: A going church for a coming Christ.
Makes me giggle every time I see it.
In my last apartment both our heat and stove ran on gas. One night they stopped working. Apparently we were a little lazy about paying the bill, but at the time we weren’t sure if the entire building or neighborhood was cut off. It happened sometimes when the gas company was doing repairs.
I wanted to find out, so I decided to ask our downstairs neighbor. I knocked on her door. When she answered, I blurted out “Do you have gas?” She gave me the strangest look before tentatively answering yes.
One thing I’m bizarrely persnickety about is putting my to go food in the box right side up. (It matters because sometimes there’s venting, or it could leak if the top is shallower than the bottom, or I’m just insane.) Anyway, much to my chagrin, one night at a restaurant I put my food in the top and closed the bottom half over it. I was whining about it and my husband said “Who cares. One man’s top is another man’s bottom.”
Going to a friend’s house to game, a friend and I both independently saw, on a church billboard, and announcement for a meeting of a church group. Their organization was apparently called C.H.A.O.S. We both wondered why they would be worshipping the elder gods of destruction at First Lutheran, but to each their own 
:eek:
Yesterday at work:
Bossman comes in. We’ve been discussing email etiquette at work and he’s proud of himself that he knows typing in all caps is tantamount to shouting. He asks my officemate, “What do you call a person who capitalizes all the first letters of every word in their email?”
Officemate starts to say, “Shouting,” but realizes he didn’t say ALL caps. I pipe up from behind the barricade.
“That’s a Capitalist!”
ETA: Okay, so it wasn’t accidental. So sue me.
I think the joke is that he intentionally misinterpreted the question as being a lead-in to dishing gossip rather than a query about his location.
Pepper Mill came out with a truly spectacular double entendre a few days ago. (Most uncharacteristic of her – she usually has a very good internal filter that prevents these, which made it all the funnier)
But she said she’d kill me if I repeated it. Sorry.
Dang it, Cal!
Now you have us all wondering.
.
.
.
Which was your intended purpose, wasn’t it?
:dubious:
Verbal gaffe at Sears:
My husband and I were looking for new washer dryers and we were discussing the pros/cons of getting the matching pedestals with the salesmen. Basically, they are just drawers that lift the washer/dryer off the ground to a more comfortable height (so you don’t have to bend over and reach in to get the clothes) AND they were 229.00 EACH.
So, I said something like, “$500.00? I’d bend over for $500.00!”
Silence, both my husband and the salesman were fighting not to laugh.
I was talking to two co-workers as they were eating their lunch. One co-worker had a container of trail mix. It looked appetizing, so I told him, “your nuts look goooood.”
As soon as it was out of my mouth, I turned all shades of red while they cracked up.
Way back in high school, my wife went on a class field day trip to a Six Flags Great Adventure (an amusement park). On the nearly 2 hour bus ride there many kids, especially the boys, were excitedly talking about the new thrill ride that had just been installed there, the Ultra Twister.
My wife stays far away from thrill rides like that, so it was never on her list of things to do at the park; but on the bus ride home, having heard so much talk about it on the way out, she was surprised not to hear much talk about it on the way back. So, she went up to one of her friends who had been talking about it before.
“Did you go on the Ultra Twister?”
“Yeah, it was GREAT!”
“Really? What was it like?”
“Well, it goes up really high to start with… Then you twist around as you come down, and it does that a few times.”
Huh, she thought to herself, I could see that just from watching the ride from the ground. So she went to ask another friend, and then a third friend, all of who gave more or less the same summary of the ride. Finally she got impatient. She stamped her foot and declared, “All right already, guys! You’ve told me all the positions, I want to know what it FEELS like!”
Yeah, that went over well on a bus full of high school juniors.
funny
Oh, sorry. He was deliberately misunderstanding the non-rhetorical question, “Do you know where Doug is?”, for a rhetorical one that might mean he was somewhere shocking … like, say, up on the roof dancing in his underwear. In reality that didn’t come to pass until several weeks later, but that’s another story.
I was at dinner with a few friends and one was talking about starting to attend a Baptist church. As it happened, I had just heard a story where one Baptist church had rated the counties of Alabama on percentage of damned based on their populations of Jews, Catholics, etc. I wanted to bring up this story, but not insult my friend personally, so I lead with, “The Baptists have a lot of sects, right?” That’s not what she heard.
Armin Shimerman told this story in this interview.
They sell an action figure of his Star Trek character Quark.
During a fan Q & A, session a 8 year old child asked… “What’s it like being an action figure doll? Do you ever play with yourself?”
kids say the darnedest things. 
Armin’s interview with the funny story.
Well, as y’know, they didn’t have white onions because of the war – the only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…
I’m still trying to get my mind around someone wearing an ascot.
Unless he was a millionaire back in the 60s… on a shipwrecked boat… like the time I caught the S.S. Minnow over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you’d say. Now where were we? Oh yeah, the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time…
My turn: I don’t get it!
One stoops low figuratively when engaging in humiliating, degrading, or morally dark activities. One must also stoop low, or rather crouch, to use a litterbox for the purpose of waste elimination.