Years ago when I was a shift manager at a fast food restaurant, I was coming in to work my evening shift. The shift manager who’d run the morning shift was eager to go home and was waiting on me to relieve him, but I told him I needed to take care of a few things in the office first. Impudently, he declared, “If you won’t relieve me, then i’ll relieve myself!” We all had a good laugh and explained to him what he’d just said.
A few years later in my (now thankfully over) fast food career, I was assistant manager at a different branch of the same chain. I came in for the morning shift, and the graveyard shift leader (an older fellow) was telling me about a drunk man he’d had to kick out of the store that night. He said he told him to leave after the man became angry and started questioning his sexuality. “He called me a faggot,” he said, “so I 69’ed him.” I asked him if he’d meant to say “86’ed”, since the way he put it implies that the drunkard was right about his proclivities.
It was several years ago. A co-worker and I were working on something on opposite sides of the room. Having some type of computer problem wherein mine stopped responding to any and all inputs regardless of invectives, I loudly announced to the whole room “I’m hung!” (Meaning the computer, of course, was hung up.) Several people stifled giggles, I turned red. But I also got a very=interested look from a young woman in the department we went on several dates afterward.
“Larry, I need to talk to you an annoying problem I’m having - my little thing keeps turning red.”
After I was able to breathe again, he was able to explain that the network “in/out board” software we use was marking him as “unavailable” when his workstation was idle for a few minutes, which was indicated by a red icon on the notification area of the task bar.
I see I’ve posted this one four times now, but what the hell…
Back in the late '60s, my brother (twenty or so) was dressed for a late date. In the style of the day. (About which my daughter once asked if the '60s-era movie we were watching was set at Holloween. It wasn't) Among other things, he was wearing a long silk scarf in place of a tie. We were at the dinner table, and, as my mother passed him his plate, she said:
"Be careful not to get your Ascot in your dinner."
We drag this one out at family get togethers even unto this day.
I was training someone and he mentioned that it seemed that the customers seemed to bunch up…nothing happening and then a crowd. I said something like “the customers seem to come in sperts” He ran to the back room and almost died laughing and finally gasped out “well, I certainly do”
It took me a while to figure it out…dang, I did love working with that guy.
I was at a construction site watching 2 electricians hanging a large chandelier. They were both standing on the same ladder and were balanced in an odd position reminiscent of a Twister game.
They were struggling with this chandelier and one guy started to fasten it into place…the other guy starts frantically saying… " I’m not straight, I’m not straight".
My first job (not counting the paper route) was at a hardware store. For some reason the owner tended to hire about twice as many young men to work there as were actually needed.* It was always a struggle to keep busy, and a lot of the busy work was fairly unpleasant. It was always acceptable to stop with whatever you were doing to help a customer, so we were always quite eager to be helpful.
One really slow day the bell on the door rang, and 3-4 four of us dropped what we were doing and started making our way to the front of the store. Too late, the assistant manager was already on the spot. “May I help you?” The attractive woman holds up a small object and says “Yes, I need a screw!”
It was pretty much like the centurions in the Biggus Dickus scene in “The Life of Brian”…bunch of high school boys watching each other in tears trying not to laugh.
I have since noticed this seems to be very common with hardware stores…though it tends not to be the crew of high-school aged boys we had.
I was sitting at my desk at work while my coworkers were talking. One was going on about how great her new apartment was. She listed all the great features but ended with, “Now I just need a guy to come out and trim my bush.” My back was to them but I could feel their eyes burrowing into my back as silence fell. I just kept working.
I often come to work with a 64-oz container of diet soda. The other day I got on the elevator and a woman looked at me, gasped, and said “I’ve never seen one THAT big before!”
This was at a Renaissance Faire, a few years back, where it should be noted everybody flirts with everybody. I was down at the Guild site in Faire. Just about everyone else was gone, except one guy. He mentions his wife was up at the camp making lunch and he was going to go up there in a bit.
I say, “Yeah, I need to go eat myself pretty soon.”
He replies, “I didn’t realize you were that flexible.”
Our CEO was giving us a pep talk during an all-hands meeting, showing how some of our sister companies were increasing market share by innovating existing products. She told us about a sporting goods company making a basketball backboard that was easier to install or something. “Before this a backboard was just a backboard,” she said. Then a gardening company had created a new kind of handle for its gardening tools, which could bend into different positions. “Before this a hoe was just a hoe.”
At another place I worked, the secretary came around looking for the director. "Do you know where Doug is? " she asked us. My co-worker put a shocked expression on his face and asked, “Where?!” I guess that’s not really accidental, but the secretary’s role in it was.
At weekly staff meetings, we’d share our workloads and things we might need help with. One of the bosses was having a really busy week, and her closing comment was “I’m just keeping a finger in the dike.”
Whereupon a co-worker leaned over to me and whispered “And how am I supposed to get my work done this week?”
I offered a perfectly good double-entendre straight line to a Lord & Taylor salesman, and he failed to pick up on it.
I wear men’s pajamas, so a few years ago I went to the men’s dept. at Lord & Taylor. I drew myself up and said in my best Margaret Dumont dowager voice, “Excuse me, I would like to see something in men’s pajamas.”
The clerk just said, “yes, ma’am, right this way.” I was vexed.
Years ago, when I was in high school, I went with a student group to France. One of the guys from our school was a tall, gangly farm kid that I’d known all of my life. He hadn’t been very far outside of the county where we lived before, so everything from the airport to eating croissants was new to him.
One morning, we were sitting on our tour bus, which was double parked on a narrow street in Paris, waiting for some kids from another hotel. As traffic backed up, people began tooting their horns, impatient to get moving.
Kyle turned to my friend and me and noted “Gee, the people in Paris sure are horny.”, unaware of the usual meaning.
At our thirtieth class reunion this summer, we were still laughing about it.
I’ve probably posted this somewhere here before but, back when I was 19, I used to work as a hostess for a well-known casual chain restaurant named after a day of the week.
One evening, a man came in alone and, gesturing toward the back of the seating area, said, “I usually take one in the rear.”
I co-worker was triying to get pregnant. My wife had just got pregnant for the third time and she said “I my hubby doesn’t get me pregnant I’m gonna drink your juice”
I could only muster an “If you’re trying by drinking it, you’re not doing it right; still, I appreciate the offer”.
