Unintentional double entendres

At my previous job, many of the employees got really excited on Wednesdays about the fact that the work week was half over. So excited, in fact, that I’d be greeted by shouts of “Hey, y’all, it’s hump day!” every Wednesday morning.

I just got off the phone with a female sysadmin at one of our clients after a call regarding an automated FTP job that we use to pick up files.

After I explained that we’d need an IP, account, and that the server needed to be running in passive mode, she asked me, “How often do you plan on hitting my box?”

You got any?

At my birthday party a few weeks ago, I got a talking “Puss in Boots” stuffed animal from the Shrek 2 movie as a present. I excitedly exclaimed to those assembled: “I’m gonna play with my pussy!”

:smack:

Watching the Peter Seller’s movie “The Party” with Karen and Dan. Sellers is at a party, needs a bathroom desperately, but one is occupied with a couple making love and the other with people smoking joints.

Seller spies a cat box in the corner. I say “Oh no” and Karen says “He wouldn’t stoop so low.” Dan and I laughed till we cried.

Last year as my employers Thanksgiving party was being set up, an email went out to the whole department (several hundred people) asking “Does anyone have a meat thermometer in their pocket?”

When asked on a forum how to dragrace a Miata I wrote (and pressed submit before proof-reading)

“Rev the motor to $6000 and sidestep the clutch.”

…or are you just glad to see me?
Ba-dum-bump.

The first time I ever heard that was from the mother of a girl I was sleeping with. I thought it was pretty cool that there was no sneaking around required – (I was sixteen, she was fourteen) – passed the mum in the kitchen, on the way to the bathroom. She: “How ya doing?” Awkward, embarrassed me, whiffing of sex: “Oh, you know. Allright.” “Well, it’s Hump-day – that’s always good.” Me: :eek:

This must have been intentional, but few people got it:

Most of us were 90% sure a late 30something woman was having an affair with a younger man, who had just completed his college studies, and after the ceremony came to meet a large group of our friends.

He came in, and one of us saw him and rushed him to the woman in question, who didn’t know her “boyfriend” was coming. A group of women gushed over him (being the young, cute type), and one of them said “Is this the graduate?”

I was trying to get my 8 month old daughter to drink water from her sippy cup. At the time, she refused any liquid but breastmilk. MrValley, the baby, and I were out in public, and right as some people passed by, I said of my infant and her water…
“She sucks it into her mouth, but she always lets it drip back out all over her face instead of swallowing!” :smack:

Well once in highschool a boy gave me a wine gum and I don’t like them so instead of eating it I kept stretching it to see how long I could stretch it before it broke. Then I would show him how long I was making it and brag about it. Anyway, I was stretching the wine gum like taffy and I turned around and I didn’t realize the class had become quiet and I said “look how long I made it!” and he said, “would you stop playing with it and put it in your mouth!” You know that thing where you’re chatting with your neighbour and everyone has quieted down but you’re still chattering and so it’s like the whole class is silent except for your stupid conversation which is all out of context and loud? :o sooo embarassing.

The other one was when I was older, and I was talking to a male friend about how many people I had slept with. It was a high number for my age, but since I had had bursts of promiscuity interspersed with relatively long stretches of monogamy, I thought that made it more understandable than to just let him think I find a new guy every month, or whatever. I don’t know. The point is I was trying to justify it, so I said, “well yeah it’s a lot but they sort of all came in spurts.” He looked exactly like this: :dubious: “Oh they did, did they?” and I just thought he meant that it was no excuse. So it was a long night of :dubious: “All came in spurts did they?” and me: :confused: “You’re pretty judgemental.”

My erstwhile business partner generated 'em at a good clip. Mind you that she’s a very attractive woman with whom I’ve been friends for ~25 years, and despite our 10+ years of a sometimes very close personal relationship related to our economic survival, we’ve never entertained any kind of romantic relationship.

So, one day in the office that shared a thin sheet rock wall with the adjoining business, I innocently offered a bloated-feeling post-Burger King lunch comment that, “that Whopper ain’t gonna fit in these pants.” We heard the immediate laughter from the next suite, and my partner, laughing herself, loudly proclaimed, “I have to sit down on that!”

More laughing ensued, and she finally said, “Ahhh, what a great way to end the day!”

Earlier in our business we had a small suite with an anteroom and a workroom. This was at the birth of Windows For WorkGroups (WFWG) and we actually had two computers! It was my first experience at networking and, while we planned to deploy them in the separate rooms, for the initial setup we had them both on a drafting table a few feet apart while I discovered that the two macines could talk. The almost immediate second discovery was that my partner and I could play each other in Hearts.

Now you’ve got two people with pretty solid work ethics who are momentarily playing. We knew our insurance agent was coming to visit, and when the door bell rang (remember, small office), my partner said, in a quite loud stage whisper, "Quick! He’s going to catch us!"

I love her.

Many years ago, my girlfriend and I were reading a National Lampoon article on sex. It described a “sex technique” of blowing into a woman’s vagina and having her fly around the room like a balloon (ah, the Lampoon :slight_smile: ). The naturally segued into the point that could possibly cause an ebolism, so you should not blow air into a woman’s vagina.

My girlfriend nodded and said, “That’s how my brother-in-law killed his dog.”

It took me several seconds to try to deal with that sentence.

Nah. Can’t think of any double entendres. Can someone give me one? :smiley:

Some friends helped me move (hurriedly) out of my mother’s house in high school. The next day, I realized I’d left something in the car that we used. Chris, the owner of the car, sat in front of me in one of my classes. During a lull in class, I said, “Hey, Chris!” He turned around and looked at me expectantly.

Me: “I left my pants in the back of your car!”

Class (including teachers): Deathly silence. Digest Comment. Uproarious laughter.

Not sure I’ve ever been that shade of red since.

When I worked at OfficeMax I’d often work with another employee to move boxes of merchandise to the tops of the shelving fixtures. One of us would stand on a ladder while the other stood on the floor and handed boxes to the guy on the ladder. One day my co-worker and I were getting ready to move some boxes to the top stock. Before we began he asked me out loud, “Do you want to be on the bottom or on top?” :eek:

A mate worked for a construction company in Melbourne (Australia) in the late 70s. He says he always used to chuckle when he passed the the door of one of the Portakabins® that served as offices. Upon it was a sign saying “Erection Manager”. (“It’s a bit early, but think I could mange one right about now.”)

A friend, Tim, and his father-in-law Stu were helping us build a workshop. We had reached the stage of putting on the sheets of siding and were trying to wrangle a 4 x 8 sheet into place when I heard Tim holler “I"m hung, I’m hung!” Stu didn’t miss a beat as he answered quietly “That’s not what my daughter says.” We had to stop work because of the laughter.

As a wedding gift, my husband built our new daughter in law a 1/4 size Shaker blanket box. At a large family dinner after our son and daughter-in-law returned from their honeymoon, Cub Hubby innocently asked her “How’s your box holding up?” There was a moment of silence, then wild laughter for several minutes led by the daughter-in-law. It was great. He still blushes when I remind him of it.

I’m disappointed in myself for not saying this one intentionally…

The other day I was sitting in my cold living room, sick as a dog, waiting for a beastie to thaw so I could skin it out. A friend ICQ’d me and asked me how I was.

“Not good. I’m freezing and my beaver won’t thaw.”

Sigh.

I drove my friend to the pizza joint to pick up our order. As we’re leaving the place he asks, “You want me to stick it in the rear or just hold it in my hands?”

As my mom and I were leaving Popeys chicken, I was sitting in the front seat with a burning hot container of chicken in my lap. I was telling her to hurry up and she said it was better to take her time. I replied, “Yeah, well you’re not sitting there with a hot box between your legs!”

As an even younger kid I was discussing model building with my friend on the school bus. I had a paint color called “rubber.” He was talking about building a model that included a small inflatable raft called a “dinghy.”

You already see where this is going.

So when I told him about my paint, he loudly exclaimed, “Why didn’t you tell me! I could have used your rubber on my dinghy!”

Is this some kind of joke? :smiley: