Yesterday I said to my mother, in complete innocent honesty - “I haven’t had good sausage since I moved here”
Certainly not an unintentional example but one that fits the thread. A certain female relative of mine - not my mother - had a habit of inappropriate remarks no doubt acerbated by alcoholism, a sometimes mean spirited personaility and a possible undiagnosed case of Tourette’s Syndrome. One day someone in the house was getting her hair frosted or some damn '70s thing when this person came around with a blow dryer and asked “who wants a blow job?” I was 13. I was biting my tongue to keep a straight face and pretend I didn’t hear. Her daughter, again not my mother, got a horrified look on her face and whisperd “mom, do you know what that means?” She had to have been the only one in the house apart from possibly my nine year old brother who didn’t get the comment and the fact that it was intentional. The culprit pretended not to know what she was talking about and went on her way. In the meantime my mouth filling with blood as I try to keep from blurting out “Jesus H. Fucking Christ! I’m suprised you know what it means!”
In highschool, my younger sister played the violin. One day she asked me to take her to the local shopping mall. I asked her why.
“I broke my G-string playing at school today, and I need to get a new one.” :eek:
One of the the local TV stations has an evening news crew of 3 men and one female anchor. When the movie Toy Story came out, at the end of one newscast they had a pile of promotional dolls on the desk and were passing them around and doing some fluff story on the popularity of the movie or whatever. As they were finishing up and going to commercial, the female anchor, holding up a particular doll, said in an extremely perky voice, “I’ve got a Woody! Do any of you guys have a Woody?” The men all went a bit pink and made “er, aahh, hmmm” noises as she obliviously kept asking, “Who else has a Woody?” I think it was the sports anchor who said “I’m…not gonna touch that one.”
They did an anniversary show last year or so (30 years of evening news on that station, I think) and that showed up in the “Funniest Moments” segments.
This reminds me of a story I read in one of those books about the making of the old “Star Trek” series. Apparently there was a scene involving Lt Uhura and the lighting guys were having trouble getting the lights placed right, and she kept winding up in a shadow. One of the lighting guys kept yelling “She’s still black! She’s still black!” Then of course everyone on the set cracked up when he realized what he was saying.
Anyway, here’s mine, from back in my college days. It was my birthday, and everyone at work had passed around a card and signed it. The text on the card said something about how, when you were done reading it, you could wad it up in a ball and play with it. One of the girls I worked with signed the card with the comment “Have fun playing with your wad!”
My sister had one of those toys with two hard balls tethered to a stick. You wave the stick up and down and the balls go clack clack clack. I don’t know what this thing was officially called, but we called it “knockers.”
Do I have to tell the rest of the story?
Yes, I announced to the whole neighborhood, “[Sister], you left your knockers on the front steps!”
While talking with a good looking co-worker, we needed to have a conference call with another co-worker. I mentioned that I didn’t know how to do a 3-way and asked her if she did.
When I (the oldest of four siblings) was about ten years old, our Aunt Karen had a big bag of potato chips and gave some to each of the kids. When my sister Kathy asked for a second helping, she readily received one. In gratitude, Kathy exclaimed: “Aunt Karen’s nice when it comes to Lay’s!”
The first dirty joke I ever cracked in front of my parents:
My dad was talking about a Nixon biography he’d just finished reading, and how Nixon had apparently had a mistress for many, many years. Without thinking, fourteen year old I pipe up with “Well, no wonder they called him Tricky Dick!”
The copy machine repairman asked me “You shoot a lot of blacks in here, don’t you?”
I’ve shared this before, but it happened to a collegue of mine while she was teaching a maths class of 17/18 year olds:
She was helping individual students with their work, and a particular pupil, who had been waiting for assistance for some time, began hitting his ruler against the desk, hoping to attract the teacher’s attention. She turned to him and said "There’s no point in banging so hard - you are not going to make me come any faster."
:o
My father, my friend and I were trying to fit a large, heavy outboard motor into the trunk of a car. It was going to be a tight fit, if it could get in at all. My friend and my dad were manuevering the head end, and I had the bottom with the propeller.
As we were shifting it around, my dad asked how the clearance was on my end. I responded, “I think it’s OK, but I could really use an extra two and a half inches.”
My dad’s reply was: “Couldn’t we all.” My friend almost dropped the engine laughing.
Last Thanksgiving my Gf of two months and I went to my folks for dinner. My cat was with us and my father was sharing his piece of pumpkin pie with kitty. Kitty has an insatiable sweet tooth so dad was giving him some of the cool whip from the pie. My mom, innocently coos to kitty “Awww, do you like Grandpa’s cream?”
I thought my girlfriend was going to blow an aneurysm. The peals of laughter drove my father to run out of the room in embarrassment until he regained his composure.
My GF is still with me and she never lets my mom live that down.
The last one just reminded me of one.
Sitting at Thanksgiving dinner with my ex’s family (before he was an ex, that is), his extraordinarily pretentious uncle was saying something about the Dick Traynor trucking company. Well “Dick Traynor” is right up there with “A Duie Pyle” in the “What the heck were they thinking” department of marketing (accompanied by the “How’s YOUR Peterbilt?” slogan.) But on went Unc, talking about how much business he had done with them. I was already stifling giggles, when he declared “I know Dick. I know Dick very, very well. I know DICK like the BACK of my HAND.”
I tried so hard to control it, but then I saw my cousin-in-law starting to snicker (and she is very, very quiet and reserved). I had to get up and leave the table. I must have stood in the kitchen for five minutes, holding onto the counter for support, my sides just aching from laughter. When I finally returned to the table, there were still tears in my eyes, and I couldn’t speak because every time I opened my mouth, a giggle would come out.