Side effects may include, but are not limited to constipation, insomnia, diarrah, sweating, vomiting, turning green, hair loss, impotent, prolonged menstration, dizziness, blindness and being a total jerk. Most subjects did not feel the side effects warranted discontinuing the medication.
Excuse me?
For many years, a bookstore called Pegasus Books had a small ad in the Tulsa Yellow Pages that said “We specialize in fiction and nonfiction.” 
Apparently Cadillac is dedicated to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit. …I feel left hanging by that one every time.
I think there’s a cut-rate ad that the agencies offer. If a normal commercial costs $10000, this one costs $2995…when they receive the request, it gets handed to the wet-behind-the-ears newbie who is still working on their degree. N00b grabs their ‘Commercials made easy 101’ book and follows the equation:
“Don’t you hate it when [something that’s never happened to anybody] ruins your [something no one’s ever owned]? Well use MultiGlobulinZero and never worry about [see above] affecting your [see above].”
Or the ones that start with:
“You’re a modern mother! (I’m not) Why would you ever consider anything but the best in [product]? We’re [fluffy|large|economical|not poisonous], so you can continue being a modern mother!”
It’s not just a formulaic commercial, it’s a formulaic commercial filled with stuff that isn’t_true!
Same great product! Now in a new wrapper!
(You have no idea the fear in the heart of this male when his wife’s feminine protection changed from the solid dark purple box with light purple title to white with bright redish-lavenderish-pinky-purple inkswirls…which was sitting next to the OTHER white boxes with pinkish-reddish-lavenderish-purple swirls.)
What was it? Kotex? Crampon? LightnEZy? KoCrampax?
"I hear car ads all the time on the radio where they say something like, “This week only, all reasonable offers will be accepted.”
What, other times in the year you only accept unreasonable offers? Fuckwads."
The ad copy makes perfect sense.
It’s simply stating that other times of the year some reasonable offers are not accepted.
(random diet pill or exercise machine ad)
We GUARANTEE that in the FIRST 15 DAYS, you will LOSE up to **15 POUNDS and ** up to 15 INCHES, or your MONEY BACK!!!
Think about that for a second. Hell, I guarantee I’m going to lose up to fifteen pounds sitting here at my desk for another hour. Whom does this kind of doublespeak work on? Could I go up to a girl in a bar, tell her I make up to $300,000 a year, and my dick is up to 11" long, and have her swoon?
:rolleyes:
Pepsi is for those who “think young”, whatever that means. Between you and me, I think they’d sell it to anybody with a spare dollar, regardless of the age at which they think.
For some reason, this reminds me of a sign outside a bookstore that was republished in a book of amusing signs sent in to the old National Lampoon. It said something to the effect of “Specializing in rare, out-of-print, and non-existent books.” (emphasis mine) Does that mean I could get a copy of The Necronomicon or The Princess Bride in the original Florinese?
For all-time incomprehensibility, though, I’d have to go with this Toyo Tires ad which was looked at in a 1996 issue of Consumer Reports (and reprinted in their hilarious book Selling It: The Incredible Shrinking Package and Other Marvels of Modern Marketing, which sounds like a badly-translated attempt at talking like a '50s-era beatnik (or one of Rosie O’Donnell’s blog entries):
In the last year or so, I’ve noticed that **every **ad for a sweepstakes give away includes a phrase similar to "Many will enter. Few will win". The phrase is even printed in the official rules disclaimer.
First of all, no duh.
Second of all, why did this become ubiquitous? I’m guessing frivolous lawsuit, but I don’ t remember hearing about one.
I’ve only heard that phrase associated with sweepstakes geared towards children, since it’s considered good practice to have a disclaimer to tell children that not everyone will win so that they know. (I don’t know if they understand the meaning of the phrase, though- “some assembly required” has been replaced with “you put it together” since kids didn’t know what the first one meant, and I don’t think any kid knows what “part of this complete breakfast” is supposed to mean.) Indeed, the guidelines of the Children’s Advertising Review Unit of the Better Business Bureau read, in part: “The likelyhood of winning should be clearly disclosed in language readily understandible to the child audience. Disclosures such as ‘many will enter, a few will win’ should be used where appropriate.” Some even go so far as to tell how many prizes there are, such as “Many will enter, only 100 will win,” which I think is a good idea.
The Vermont lottery has been saying “Please play responsibly” for years and has a spot about compulsive gambling. Lately I’ve seen a cautionary spot about not borrowing more on your paycheck advance than you feel comfortable with. They all must be anticipating litigation.
The Clorox one out now is so depressing. I already hate doing the laundry and then they come out with “Laundry is nothing new. Your mother did it. Your grandmother did it. Maybe even a man now and then…” Way to paint a gray picture of the inexorably flow of laundry which will never end. Where is that new and improved razor blade with titanium action?
When I saw the thread title I jumped in to add this one. “Adding flavor to taste”??? Is that like “adding color to hue”? Or “volume to mass”?
Every time I see or hear someone touting the economic benefits of their product by saying it uses “Three times less!” of some expensive resource (usually toilet paper, or coffee grounds or something), my mental calculator goes into ERROR mode.
It’s the truth, and you did understand it correctly: Profit is the object. And they’re talking about themselves, not you.
The one that gets me is movies hyped as “Based on a true story!”
Are they bragging that they couldn’t come up with their own story, or that they were too lazy to get all the facts?
There’s a sign on an office building here in Sydney that makes me smile whenever I go past. The agents are trying to flog office rental space and the promotional line is “it’s the most envious office space in the city”.
My brother, after hearing one such disclaimer: “If one of the side effects is ‘anal leakage,’ I can tell you right now it’s not the drug for me.”
I saw a Blue Cross/Blue Shield commercial today that urged viewer to “make health insurance part of your daily routine.” Huh?
Note that the commercial wasn’t talking about adopting a heathier lifestyle or making sure that you carried your Blue Options ID card with you at all times – it specifically referred to the purchase of insurance coverage: “You probably get dressed and have a cup of coffee before you leave in the morning. But do you leave with your health insurance?”
My head hurts.
To be fair, I think the Nestle Sweet Success ad actually expected some metaphorical thinking on the part of the viewer. “The only diet program that starts with Nestle [i.e., we all know Slimfast tastes like ass, but Nestle’s a company known for making products that taste *good*], and ends with Sweet Success [using the product will cause you to reach your goal].”
As for homeopathic remedies, don’t get me started. IIRC, homeopathic remedies don’t even have to have that stupid “not reviewed, not meant to treat, diagnose, etc.” disclaimer - that’s for herbal crap. Homeopathy was given special status because a senator involved in creating the food and drug laws was a homeopathic practitioner. And the FTC lets anyone advertise just about any damn thing, if the cosmetics, weight loss, “male enhancement,” and new age antimedical garbage industries are any indication.
An old favorite is, “Part of this complete breakfast,” where they show a complete breakfast, plus the sugar cereal being shilled. By that logic, the napkins, the kids’ sneakers, and the pet dog in the photo are also “part of this complete breakfast.”
My next contribution isn’t copy (that’s its problem), but I really think it is dumb advertising. For weeks I’ve been wondering why Netflix is showing me two skeevy, scabby old guys smiling at me. That, with their logo, is their entire web ad. Finally I saw a Netflix TV commercial where they’re sending the movies, represented by actors, out to customers, and I think these are supposed to be zombies. But I’d never know that (since when do zombies smile?) from the web ad. The web ad just says, “Netflix, please associate us with sore-ridden old men.”
One other one I thought of- although this goes into the place of “dumb-ass disclaimers” rather than “bad copy.” Kellogg’s had a print ad for Special K commenting on how eating the cereal and watching what you eat may help lose weight. The tagline was “The prize is inside!,” playing on the idea of the stereotypical prize in the cereal box, but of course, in this case the “prize” is a thinner you. A disclaimer in the copyright info in the ad read, “no actual prize in cereal.”
I’m not sure what “think young” means, either, but it sounds like the music is “Jet Boy, Jet Girl” covered by a French band. Does that help?
Hell yes. Seen those ads for “Extenze” that claim it
The whole ad tap-dances around that they are claiming a pill can make your dick bigger, without ever mentioning the penis. It’s really annoying, even more so that they start off claiming something like 100 million doses of the shit have been sold. A) We have to take their word for that, and B) who cares? Millions bought pet rocks, too.