I guess I am asking our esteemed male peers specifically because this is a friend’s tale of woe involving her erstwhile new b/f, but any response is always welcome. I wouldn’t imagine one partner in any relationship particularly more “prone” to this than another.
Is it possible to become truly addicted to another person, not just sex with another person, nor some other addictive behaviors indulged in with another person, but to actually be so smitten that you view the very presence of that person as “an offering of heroin to a hapless addict”?
My best g/f has a relatively new b/f, who was involved with a woman on and off for about 5 years before this new involvement with my friend. He’d been “single” for over a year before they met, altho he’d dated once or twice in that time. By his own admission (I know him too and have heard this from him, not just thru my friend), previous long-term “thing” was intense to the point of madness. He was over-the-top-in-love with her. She, on the other hand, enjoyed his ability to provide for her small family, and enjoyed his company, but would never commit. She wouldn’t even allow him to introduce her as his “girlfriend” to anyone. She left him for several 3 to 6 month periods over the whole course of their relationship, during which time she dated (and slept with) other men, and was callous enough to tell him all about it. He was miserable, jealous, anxious, and depressed by all of this, but simply could NOT let go of her. He convinced himself that if he could only love her enough, she’d give up her wild lifestyle and commit to him. He looked upon this as a direct challenge that he could meet, altho he is not a stupid person and at the same time, knew in his wounded heart that this was never going to happen.
Well, of course eventually she decided to dump him with finality, and after a year of pining, he finally has moved on and met my pal. A couple nights ago, he admitted that he couldn’t commit 100% to his new relationship with my g/f because he still had “an addiction” to this previous woman. He hoped to be able to get to the point of committing 100% to her, but in all honesty wasn’t there quite yet. He used the “heroin” phrase above. He said he knew the thing with the past woman was sick, that there was no future there, and that it might cause his own spiritual downfall, but he “still” harbored just a few of those old longing feelings that just would not die. Seems like describing addictive behavior to me.
I should add that the old g/f has not been in touch with him, nor seeking reconciliation as far as I know. He is a very up-front person and would have said something about it to my g/f. Additionally, my pal & I know a number of persons who are his co-workers, and they would have said something to one of us had the old g/f been hanging around work to see him, as she did frequently in “the old days”.
Now my g/f and this guy have not been dating 6 months yet, so it is reasonable that he might still have the last shreds of a previous attachment lingering around his heart…but (and here’s what scares ME): he has asked my friend and her son to move in with him, sometime in the next few months.
WHAT could he want by this? Why would anyone in her right mind want to live with him when he is still addicted to another woman? Why would he even ask?
What is this guy playing at? Have any of you ever been “addicted” to another person in this manner? What advice would you give to my g/f? She’s emotionally attached of course, but this red flag is enormous and she can’t help but see it waving frantically at her. I want to be of help.