We have that same debate on the adoption listserve - “Is this an adoption thing? Or is this just a thing?”
Some behaviors are linked to adopted kids - hording food, particularly for kids who have known hunger. But that doesn’t mean that well fed bio children from stable households have never been known to horde food. Some adopted kids have real seperation problems - but we’ve at times had to peel my bio daughter from my leg.
Some studies have shown that adopted kids get therapy more often - but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they NEED it more often. Some people have opined that because their parents are already familiar with counselers through the adoption process, and tend to be more aware of issues, that they are quicker to seek professional help than familes where there has never been counseling/therapy/social work done.
I always wonder about adopted kids who get pegged with a FAE lable (Fetal Alcohol Effects; FAS, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is very different, but has only been linked to a LOT of alcohol or binge drinking during pregnancy, FAE is much more controversial). I think that is often “blame a birthmother who we don’t know anything about for the child’s learning disabilities” - we don’t know why Johnny is a slow reader, maybe his birthmother drank.
Well, it gets me onto one of my hijacking soapboxes: the utility and occasional disutility of labels.
IF a label serves as a good shorthand then fine. If it qualifies you for services that were otherwise unavailable then wonderful.
But often a label serves as a replacement for really understanding a child in his/her full complexity. The kids “X” or “Y”, rather than having this particular set of strengths and these particular weaknesses. As our children’s advocates I do not care if he/she is labelled sensory integration deficit or RAD or martian influenced … I care that he/she gets the interventions that are appropriate.
So does it matter if it is an adoption thing or just a thing, FAE or genetic predisposition or reaction to early rearing?
Thanks for all the well-though out replies and advice. One question that I’m curious about, though. What are some of the common reasons people give who are struggling with infertility but would not consider adoption as an alternative? I think there is a lot of truth to the idea that they might not have good adoption role models, but I’m wondering what reasons people in that category would give.
I’m not sure that it is a common reason given, but I suspect that there are a lot of issues with bringing “someone else’s” child into your home as family. I have met (some small and not scientifically selected for polling group of) people who absolutely resisted the idea of adoption and, even when they did not address the issue directly, clearly gave off an impression that they would be uncomfortable raising a child “not their own.”
Is there a biological imperative to propagating one’s own genes vs investing the effort to raise someone else’s? Or is that “pop biology”? I dunno.
The first is unknown prenatal care. In most cases you really never know what the birth mother (or birth father) has been up to (whether harming the fetus actively or by neglect). In our case the birth mother worked in an OB/Gyn office (with my wife) so we were pretty sure of excellent care.
The second is bureaucratic. To adopt you need to go through an intensive process. This includes (at least for us—and we went the private route!) fingerprinting, criminal check, home study, reference letters, forms, forms and more forms. Plus there is the legal side where you have to make sure you have all the ducks in a row (get a good lawyer!).
Third is the potential heartbreak. Up until the point that the birth parents legally sign away their rights they can ask for, and get, the child back. Specific rights vary State-to State but, as general trend, have increasingly made things easier for the adoptive parents.
All this being said, it was worth everything we had to go through.
My cousin and her husband are struggling with infertility, and are considering adoption. They have no philisophical objection to adoption–my cousin is an adoptee. But they are not sure if they want to do it, largely because of Threadkiller’s first two reasons. If they try for an international adoption, the health concerns and the bueracracy are even more of an issue.
The thing that burns me up about the whole issue is that there are loving homes that want children and there are lots of children who need homes. Why is adoption such a hassle? But I suppose that’s another thread.
Can happen to anyone who’s not sterile, including women who are underage, underemployed, have a major personal, psychological, or social problem (e.g. alcoholism), or simply don’t know the first thing about raising a child.
Can happen completely by accident, birth control failure, or simple carelessness (“accidents”).
Can be dangerous, if not life-threatening, in many circumstances.
Creates a new human being, with all the needs and wants of same.
Can only be done by women; too often becomes the woman’s sole responsibility if the father doesn’t feel like parenting for any reason.
Adoption
Always a conscious choice, and, necessarily, always pursed by people (male and female) who truly want to raise a child.
Never happens by accident; involves a complex procedure to ensure that the parent(s) is/are capable of undertaking such a task and emotionally stable enough to care for another human being.
Involves taking care of a person who’s already been born, so there’s no additional burden on resources or infrastructure.
Does not endanger the health of the adoptive parent(s) in any way.
As mentioned earlier, can give a child born into a horrible environment (not necessarily a foreign country, either) a chance at a better life.
Frankly, I fail to see how any conscientious, compassionate prospective parent would, given a choice, take the former over the latter.
The reason why I said this was because not all mothers who want to have children want to adopt them. I was acknowledging that she might have this view herself.
Adopting a healthy white infant is tends to be a long, expensive, and risky process. Some people simply do not want to consider raising an unhealthy child or a child of a different race. And don’t jump to the “racism” conclusion with these people, some of the people concerned about race are the most realistic about racism. It takes a special kind of white person to understand the complexities of race in our society enough to raise a minority child, some people understand they are not up to it. Same with special needs kids - it takes a special kind of person to raise a special needs kid - not everyone is up to it.
Some people feel a biological imparative to breed. If this is the case, you are better off not adopting, because you aren’t filling your primary need to pass your genes along. I always say people who adopt after infertility decide that being a parent is more important than breeding - but not everyone has those priorities.
There is a special kind of risk involved in raising the product of someone elses genes. I know that heart disease runs in my husband’s family and depression runs in mine. We can watch our daughter and warn her about these things. We have no idea what is hidden in our son’s genes. For some people, this is a huge and unsurmountable risk.
There has been incredible focus on healthy pregnancies - such that women going through infertility treatment know they should drink BEFORE getting pregnant to decrease risks - they take prenatal vitamins to help decrease risks. By the time you get done with infertility and preparing to be pregnant, you end up convinced that taking cough syrup in the first six weeks of pregnancy will give your baby two heads. You simply cannot control another woman’s pregnancy - not everyone is comfortable with this idea.
Many people (especially women) get caught up in the idea of “being pregnant” Adopting is, in a way, kind of like eloping without having a big wedding. Some people would never consider not having a huge wedding - it would keep them from getting married (not something I understand).
Adopting can be expensive. International adoption runs from around $15,000 to around $50,000. Not everyone has those kinds of resources. And even people who do don’t necessarily make adoption their financial priority. I can do a pit rant about this one - in fact, I may have - people who “want” to adopt but can’t afford to who drive brand new cars.
Green Bean, if your cousin wants to talk about international adoption, you can e-mail me. Ours was relatively easy - certainly the paperwork and homestudy process was invasive and difficult, but so was infertility treatment and pregnancy/labor/delivery. We had our son six months after we filed our application.