advice for a future adopter

In My Humble Opinion
1

So the BBQ thread that mentioned the vast expense and inconvenience of adoption really got my attention.

I am 23 and recently married… both my husband and I want to get our Ph.Ds before we have children, so we’re looking at a good 7-10 years before children enter into the picture. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always felt way more compelled to adopt than to give birth. Recently we’ve even discussed the possibility of becoming foster parents.

I suppose I could give birth… nothing’s stopping me as far as I know… but I don’t think of adoption as some kind of runner-up prize, something to settle for. It’s something I’ve always wanted and believed very strongly in. And I’m tired of people telling me I’ll change my mind and do it the “real way” once I want to have kids… and I’m tired of people telling me to “avoid the kids older than 2 because they’ll have serious attachment disorders.” Last I checked, kids with attachment disorders need love too! :stuck_out_tongue:

I’m unblinkingly not afraid of the hardship that could come with it. Hell, in a way I feel my whole life has been preparation for these kinds of challenges… challenges that could have a huge potential payoff in the long run. My middle name is Perseverance. I’m a tough bitch, and my husband is a tough sonofabitch, I know together we can do this.

So here I am, a potential adopter. I’ve got 7-10 years to prepare.

Those who have done this… What do I do now? Save money? How much? Are there certain books I ought to read? What information is essential for me to know? What challenges might I be overlooking? What if we adopt kids that are of a different ethnicity? What if we adopt siblings so they can stay together? What do you wish you had known? What can I do starting right now to make this as smooth and painless a process as humanly possible? Look back, seven years before you adopted, and tell me what I should be doing right now to prepare for the Greatest Adventure of my Life.

Any and all thoughts, opinions, ideas, and advice related to adoption are welcome.

2

Yes, save money. Unless you are looking to adopt domestic waiting children.

Biggest advice, decide what you want and understand the trades are - for instance, its almost impossible to adopt newborns Internationally, but international adoption tends to be a little more sure and less prone to disruption. Are you willing to accept an identified special needs child? Severe or something like “low birthweight” or “birthmother consumed small amounts of alcohol.” Understand the issues involved in race - it isn’t racist to say “I can’t deal with race issues” because as a parent - you need to deal with them. Are you willing (eager) to have an open adoption, or does the idea of having birthmother contact scare you.

3

Has it gotten that hard? Or do you mean “newborn” in contrast to “six months old”?

As for the OP -

That might be good practice, so to speak.

And, since you ask, why are you waiting to get your Ph.D. before you adopt? If you have any thoughts of being a SAHM, it might make better sense to go back for your degree when Jr. is in school or at least a bit older.

I grant you, I am heavily biased in favor of one parent taking care of a new child of any sort for as long as possible, so FWIW.

No offense, I hope. I deleted a much less tactful way of putting it.

Regards,
Shodan

4

What’s SAHM?

We both want our Ph.Ds first… financial security, ducks in a row, all of that. We’d like to begin the process in the most financially secure position possible. My thought is to adopt once we have our Ph.Ds, then after the child begins school I will find work. I’m thinking that’s better than earning my Ph.D, getting a new job, quitting the job in the child’s early years and then re-entering the field later. It seems more fair to both the child and my future employer. Mr. Olives and I both feel that it is essential for both of us to take time to raise the child, not just one of us. Society is unfortunately not structured to support that notion, but we will do our damndest to keep things as egalitarian as humanly possible.

I don’t understand how you could have phrased that less tactfully, because it’s not an offensive idea to me. Perhaps you thought I intended to be working full-time during the child’s formative years? Not the case. Either we will both work part-time or I will stay home full-time, depending on what our options are at that time. I will only return to work once the child is in school, and even then I may stay part-time (and Mr. Olives may as well.) This is the plan… I understand life doesn’t always cooperate with plans. But I am definitely in agreement with you that the kid needs someone there.

5

SAHM=Stay at home mom

6

[QUOTE=Shodan]
Has it gotten that hard? Or do you mean “newborn” in contrast to “six months old”?

As for the OP -
That might be good practice, so to speak.

And, since you ask, why are you waiting to get your Ph.D. before you adopt? If you have any thoughts of being a SAHM, it might make better sense to go back for your degree when Jr. is in school or at least a bit older.

I grant you, I am heavily biased in favor of one parent taking care of a new child of any sort for as long as possible, so FWIW.

No offense, I hope. I deleted a much less tactful way of putting it.

Regards,
Shodan
[/QUOTE]

I mean newborn as opposed to six months old. Newborn = taking kid a few days old home from the hospital.

BTW, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Korea has changed regulations again in an attempt to increase their domestic adoption rate - it will be the rare child that leaves before eight or nine months - and most will leave after a year. They want to give Koreans the chance to adopt first.

7

[QUOTE=olivesmarch4th]
…and I’m tired of people telling me to “avoid the kids older than 2 because they’ll have serious attachment disorders.” Last I checked, kids with attachment disorders need love too! :stuck_out_tongue:
[/QUOTE]
What they need and what they may accept, of course, are two completely different (and probably unrelated) things. If you find yourself adopting any child(ren) with any likelihood of attachment disorder, I strongly urge you to get them into counseling immediately, (even if they seem to be OK). While most kids who are adopted after infancy have some sort of attachment issues, most kids who are adopted after they are old enough to know that they have been removed from the birth home have much more complex issues and a child who develops Reactive Attachment Disorder (no idea what percent of kids this might be), may be, effectively, a sociopath. The earlier that one begins to intervene, the better luck one might have reducing the trauma and raising a functional citizen. Besides starting counseling, immediately, I would do extensive pre-adoption “shopping” for a counselor who specializes in kids with attachment issues–particularly one who has a good success rate, rather than a claim that they have the right experience.

The web site Attachment Disorder Site has a page that describes the Symptoms. A couple of especially troubling traits: regardless what acts the child carries out, s/he will never feel remorse and s/he will continue to lie about the event in the face of overwhelming evidence. It is a bit hard to get through to a kid who sees the world in such a way; it is much like dealing with an alien. (This is why I encourage counseling, immediately.) Now, many kids–even kids from the same birth home or foster home–never develop full blown Reactive Attachment Disorder. It is pretty much the extreme situation. However, it is something one needs to consider, especially when adopting a child from a bad situation and not one who happens to have “lost” his or her parents.

[QUOTE=olivesmarch4th]
I’m unblinkingly not afraid of the hardship that could come with it. Hell, in a way I feel my whole life has been preparation for these kinds of challenges… challenges that could have a huge potential payoff in the long run. My middle name is Perseverance. I’m a tough bitch, and my husband is a tough sonofabitch, I know together we can do this.
[/quote]
CONFIDENCE: The feeling one has before one actually understands the situation. :stuck_out_tongue:

[QUOTE=olivesmarch4th]
So here I am, a potential adopter. I’ve got 7-10 years to prepare.

Those who have done this… What do I do now? Save money? How much? Are there certain books I ought to read? What information is essential for me to know? What challenges might I be overlooking? What if we adopt kids that are of a different ethnicity? What if we adopt siblings so they can stay together? What do you wish you had known? What can I do starting right now to make this as smooth and painless a process as humanly possible? Look back, seven years before you adopted, and tell me what I should be doing right now to prepare for the Greatest Adventure of my Life.
[/QUOTE]
I would suggest simply talking to people who have adopted. If you are interested in “challenging” kids, go to your county and ask about their adoption services. Take the foster/adopt training classes. (If your county lacks such a department, look at neighboring counties.)

Try to find out just what sort of adoption you’d like to have: “rescue” adoption of older kids or sibling groups; infant adoption, (domestic); infant adoption, (foreign); “open” adoption where you get to know the birth mother while she is pregnant and then either maintain contact after the birth or sever all ties once you have the child in your home.

It is difficult giving explicit advice when the situations can vary radically from one type to another, (even beyond the obvious (if sometimes forgotten) point that no two kids are alike, anyway).

8

[QUOTE=olivesmarch4th]
I suppose I could give birth… nothing’s stopping me as far as I know… but I don’t think of adoption as some kind of runner-up prize, something to settle for. It’s something I’ve always wanted and believed very strongly in.
[/quote]

That’s pretty much how I’ve always felt too. I don’t really have much advice since I haven’t yet reached the point where I can adopt either, but I’m always glad to hear of other people who want to adopt. :slight_smile:

From what I’ve read about the issue so far, I definitely think you will be at a major advantage in avoiding the long waits, expenses, etc. since you are willing to consider “special needs” kids like the older ones and siblings. Most adopters want infants - especially white, female infants - and there aren’t that many white infants placed for adoption nowadays relatively speaking.
On the other hand, there are a lot of older kids in the foster care system here in America who have been removed from their birth parents’ homes for reasons like abuse, neglect, etc. A lot of people aren’t willing to take on the challenges of parenting a child from such a background, so those kids wait a long time for homes.

Of course, I agree with what Dangerosa touched on about how you have to be honest with yourself about what kind of child you are capable of parenting.
While I’m sure most of us have compassion for a child who spent his first few years in an abusive or neglectful environment, not all of us - in fact, not even most of us in my opinion - are capable of being the special kind of parent such a child needs to have hope of growing into a healthy adult. So, it’s important to do a lot of research beforehand to be sure of what sort of issues a child from that kind of background will have and if you can deal with them before committing to anything.
I recall reading an adoption book that stated THE one factor that correlates to whether an adoption will end up being disrupted or not is how old the child was when they were placed for adoption, so the challenges of parenting such a child are definitely not something to take lightly.
But, obviously, I do believe in adoption and think that it’s a good option to be looking into, so good luck with your information gathering. :slight_smile:

9

My wife has a PHD and I have a masters. We are in the process of an adoption from China.

US adoptions through agencies often take a long time and cost a lot. The bar for a Chinese adoption just became much higher. Other international adoptions are so expensive they seemed like a child sale to us.

If either parent has a graduate degree in a research field employment may be an issue because the researcher will have to move. Repeatedly

10

(On the up side of special needs adoptions: the up front costs are cheap. When asked about our adoption costs, (when the kids were small), I used to just say that we went down to the county and picked up a couple for free. Of course, the maintenance costs can be astronomical.)

11

Thank you for the excellent advice.

I realize the gist of my post might have come off sounding like, “Give me the hardest toughest challenge and I’ll lick it with no problem!” That wasn’t what I was trying to communicate. I’m not actively looking for “problem children,” I just worry that the attitude of “well be careful WHO you adopt…” comes from the notion that having children is something you do solely to please yourself… I mean, theoretically, SOMEONE should be taking care of those kids… it’s not THEIR fault they were put in such tough situations so early in life. I think we would do all right with behavioral issues (my husband works with kids with behavioral disorders on a regular basis), but I openly admit that I am not cut out to handle kids with outright physical disabilities. There are special people in the world made for kids with Downs Syndrome or Muscular Dystrophy. I’m not one of them.

So no, I didn’t mean that at all in an arrogant or assuming way. What I meant was, I think it does take a certain degree of emotional resilience to handle the struggles that can come with adopting… and I think we, as a couple, can offer that kind of determination as adoptive parents.

Actually, I think my whole post might have been misleading. I’m not even certain I’m going to want children in my life. I am only certain that if we decide to have children, they will be adopted. I am trying to learn as much as I can about the process, to learn what risks are involved and what hardships are common, so that as the years pass by, my husband and I can make an informed decision about whether we truly want to go through with this or not.

I certainly in no way meant to make light of serious problems like Reactive Attachment Disorder… the jab was at the attitude of people who tell me things like that. It’s the same crap that gets on my nerves when people say, “Oh, you’re going to be a social worker? Don’t you realize how hard it is?” No offense to them, but… DUH. What do they expect me to say? “Oh, I didn’t realize that. I guess I’ll change career paths now.” I get the same feeling from people who put down adoption… “Don’t help others, it’s too hard.” Okay, whatever. :rolleyes:

I’m sorry this is so rambly. My point, overall, is you have provided excellent and very helpful information, and I thank you sincerely.

12

This is super extremely helpful for me. Both my husband and I plan to do research in our respective fields, even after graduation (he’s going for a Psych Ph.D. and I’m going for a Social Welfare Ph.D.) This will be something to keep in mind.

13

Adopting kids IS something you do for yourself. Having them biologically is, too. If you do it for THEM, and life gets rough - rougher than you signed up for (and I guarentee, no matter how good it goes, there will be some moment where you think “I didn’t sign up for this” - bio or adopted, it happens with all kids - maybe its when they refuse to toilet train, but will decorate their walls with the contents of their diapers - or maybe you’ll have to wait until high school when they date the kid who is really scary, or you could be like my mother - who got three great kids all grown up with pretty much just the normal set of problems, and then when my sister was 35 we pulled her out of an abusive relationship and into alcohol treatment), you’ll resent the hell out of them. This is something you are doing for you. And be honest about what you can deal with. And be honest about your successes - special needs adoptions are not all “movies of the week” with warm happy endings.

For instance, if you are willing to adopt a child who is likely to have attachment disorders - say bye-bye to a career. Many agencies will want one parent to commit to being a stay at home parent if the child has special needs. A lot of people can do this - I’m exhausted handling my “normal” children at the end of the weekend, I can imagine the 18 hour days seven days a week of special needs kids. My agency wanted one of us to be willing to commit - if our child showed any sign of issues - and we were adopting a “healthy” six month old.

14

Dangerosa, thank you also for your excellent advice. Based on what I’ve read here, I’m wondering if having a child is going to be appropriate for what me and my husband what to accomplish with our lives. We do want to have careers… At the same time, we are just starting out in life, who knows how I’ll feel five years down the road?

I can’t predict, but you have all helped me and I will take this to heart as time passes and the hour of decision draws closer.

15

[QUOTE=olivesmarch4th]
I realize the gist of my post might have come off sounding like, “Give me the hardest toughest challenge and I’ll lick it with no problem!”
[/QUOTE]
I did not really get that feeling from your post (and I recognize that text exchanges can be misleading).

I think that you should consider having kids and that you should be open to adopting special needs kids or any other kids. (You’ve got several more years to think it over, as you note.) I just think that you should invest the same energy into planning for such things as you would in planningyour career.

For example, moving can** be traumatic, but a stable home can offset that issue. (Talk to military brats about those issues.)

Don’t let some internet advice chase you away from your plans (at any level). My only point was to support your desire to do research while mentioning that some decisions require more research than others. Take the time to consider foster. Take the time to talk (face to face) with adoptive parents. Attend support group sessions (and their picnics, to meet the kids). See if you want to raise kids, (infant adoption, foreign, other ethnic, special needs, or whatever), then pursue it. (That is how we got [del]sucked into this life draining[/del] oops involved with our kids.)

16

I don’t want to scare you off either - having children is a terrible/wonderful thing. And mostly its wonderful.

Do research, save money (you can always use it for a nice trip to Europe when you decide to remain childless), keep an open mind - but be realistic - racial issues, special needs, cultural issues, older child adoption, abandonment issues - these aren’t things to take lightly. (Our Korean son has never had a moments pause (that I know of) regarding race - yet. And he may never. But I know other adoptees who have a huge struggle - and their adoptive parents struggle to understand something that they can never fully grasp). Spend time figuring out what people love about their kids - and what they don’t love about having kids (three years of never being in the bathroom by myself, its a little thing, really). Check out books about adopting from the library - the ones written by adult adoptees are really insightful - and then remember that the vast majority of adoptees don’t feel strongly enough about the whole thing to bother to write.

17

This will be a slight hijack but the OP asked for all advice. Mine is from a unique perspective.

I am the oldest sibling in a family of five kids. Three of my siblings were adopted from Thailand and Vietnam over 30 years ago. Back then International adoption was rare. The resources and advice outlined in the previous postings were not just non-existent many of these thoughts or concerns had yet to be envisioned. The thought that internationally adopted children could have life long issues adjusting to being adopted into a foreign culture had yet to occur to mental health field. If a few doctors has brought this issue up it certainly hadn’t become main stream. My family was told by the agency not to learn any Thai or Vietnamese as it would confuse my brothers. They were 5 and 7 when they were adopted. Communication was an issue to say the least. Children can develop a very effective sign language though.

No consideration was given to the issue that my brothers were 3 years older than their classmates due to language and early education issues. We were not encouraged to introduce my adopted siblings to their native cultures. My family is Irish Catholic. We’re our only little subset of odd. Not mention homogenous. If you were Catholic in the Mid West you were white or you really stood out. We were not encouraged to go to any Vietnamese or Thai cultural events.

An adoptive household moving was not an apparent concern of the agencies, just income. When my brother’s and sister were adopted we lived in Missouri. Then we moved to Connecticut two years later to Illinois and two years later California. Then finally to Ohio. This all happened before my brothers and sisters graduated high school. Each move was a promotion or transfer for my father, a better home, one step higher into the middle class. In the early 80’s when one of my brothers started to have severe problems the psychologist didn’t address stability of the home or talk about Attachment Disorder.

My brothers have both had significant problems. I’ve found that their problems were repeated in many of the families we knew who had adopted children internationally at the same time…

I’m not trying to turn anyone off from international adoption but the problems are often huge and seem to come out of nowhere. The agencies demands of prospective parents may seem impossible or unreasonable but they are learning from decades of past mistakes. It takes a lot of work to raise a healthy, well adjusted child in the society they were born into. I can tell you from first hand observation when you compound the usual childhood problems with the problems of racial identity, religious identity, language issues and the trauma from wrenching a child away from all they have ever known; you could be facing a Herculean task.

18

Jimson Jim, you bring up some great points. I have often wondered of late what issues will arise for the many girls adopted from China by Jewish families? Many are being bat mitzvahed as usual; will they join Hillel in college? Will they be welcomed? Will they identify as Chinese in culture for ease of getting along? Or will all that be nothing in comparison to their own personal ‘Americanness’?

19

[QUOTE=Nawth Chucka]
Jimson Jim, you bring up some great points. I have often wondered of late what issues will arise for the many girls adopted from China by Jewish families? Many are being bat mitzvahed as usual; will they join Hillel in college? Will they be welcomed?
[/QUOTE]

There are part-Chinese Jews who weren’t adopted. Two of Mr. Neville’s cousins are racially and culturally half Chinese, half Jewish (though religiously they are Jewish).

These days, I’d be surprised to find many Jewish students at Hillel who didn’t have at least some experience with Jewish people of unusual racial or cultural backgrounds, what with marriages between Jews and non-Jews, conversion to Judaism, and adoption by Jewish couples being as common as they are.

20

[QUOTE=Anne Neville]
There are part-Chinese Jews who weren’t adopted. Two of Mr. Neville’s cousins are racially and culturally half Chinese, half Jewish (though religiously they are Jewish).

These days, I’d be surprised to find many Jewish students at Hillel who didn’t have at least some experience with Jewish people of unusual racial or cultural backgrounds, what with marriages between Jews and non-Jews, conversion to Judaism, and adoption by Jewish couples being as common as they are.
[/QUOTE]

Did the cousins run into any identity issues that you know of? Did the family’s support lean one particular way or were they equally supportive when the cousins were growing into adulthood??