Let me put in a plug for adopting a newborn or very young baby. My brother-in-law has adopted a couple of kids from Russia (and so of course didn’t get them until they were 18-24 months old), and the kids have had a lot of emotional troubles. My wife and I, on the other hand, were able to adopt a 7-day-old baby in Lebanon, and some friends of ours in Lebanon also adopted a (mixed-race) baby who was only a few days old. IANA expert on child psychology, but early adoption would seem clearly to give the child a developmental advantage. Do some research; find out what countries (like Lebanon) allow adoption of newborns. I personally would never adopt a child over one year of age. God bless the people who do (as you pointed out, all children should have a home), but child-rearing is hard enough without dealing with attachment and other developmental problems.
I am not an expert either but I did study child psych in undergrad, and on that basis I agree with you that adopting a child as a newborn is much less likely to lead to attachment problems. There is a critical period during the first few years of life when a child needs to form an attachment to a loving caregiver in order to be able to relate to other people in a normal way later on in life.
For that reason, I would be a lot more comfortable adopting an older child if I knew they had been in a loving foster home environment during their early years (an environment in which they could bond to their caregiver) than if they were in a large-scale institutional orphanage (like those old Romanian orphanages) or if they had been neglected/abused by their bio parents during those critical early years.
Adoptive, foster, step and biological mom of six checking in. Our kids are now 14, 15, 25, 25, 26 & 28 years old, all gals except the 15 yo.
A couple of things to consider … how does your extended family feel about adoption? If you will be living anywhere close to them, that becomes an issue when it comes to your children being treated like the rest of the cousins on holidays, birthdays, when it comes to babysitting the grandkids, etc. We didn’t share our plans to adopt before hand and were surprised to learn that some members of our family had issues with adoption. They’ve made good effort to move past those issues, but my kids still feel the difference in the relationships.
Transracial adoption … our youngest two are black and bi-racial, adopted at birth. We live in the deep, deep south. Mostly we just get odd looks which we barely notice anymore, but our youngest daughter, black, speaks “white” and is not easily accepted by her black peers. It doesn’t help that she’s light skinned and beautiful because there are prejudices within the black community against that, too. Our son has learned to bridge the gap, but it may be easier for him because he is biracial and would’ve had a white mom in his birth family.
Open adoptions … how willing are you to maintain a relationship with birth families? Neither of our adopted kids bio parents expressed interest in maintaining relations but our foster daughters have ongoing relationships with their birth families. You must be willing to embrace their family as an extension of yours in order for your child to be truly comfortable. Our adopted kids know everything we know about their respective birth families and when/if they choose to look for them, we will turn the heavens upside down to help them. Currently, one is interested, one isn’t, and we’re waiting until they are a bit more mature before embarking on that adventure.
Finally - let me unequivocally state that building our family through adoption and foster care has been THE most rewarding decision we’ve ever made in our lives. Our kids are some of the most awesome young people imaginable and every day is a blessing - truly. Read, read and read some more books about adoption, by adoptees, and by birth parents to educate yourself as much as possible before hand.
When we were adopting we were told “around six months” was about the point at which kids started forming attachments, about eleven months they became more secure.
We were told the same thing about stability of care. Korea uses a foster care system (my son has three mothers - his birthmom, myself, and a woman he lived with for six months - who has a husband and older children), but having the same few caregivers in an instutition is better than having a random set. The agency we worked through screened their international programs pretty carefully, and then told you what you were in for in terms of what the care was like. I remember at the time Vietnam had an amazing institutional program - three caregivers for ten children - your child pretty much only saw three adults on a day to day basis.
But there are bio kids with attachment disorders and kids adopted late that don’t get them. Definiate correlation though.
People thinking about adopting toddlers should read “The Weaver’s Craft.”
I seem to remember the same thing, which is why I find the imposed one-year delay in foreign adoption to be such a bad idea. They are setting up the children and their parents for trouble, for the sake of political correctness.
Damn. I better drop that subject - this isn’t the Pit. But thanks for the clarification about birth vs. six months old.
I guess the only advice I can offer is to second most of what was said about why people have kids - it grates on my nerves when people talk about how noble it is to adopt vs. give birth, and it might be the same for those with adopt special needs children. I have no idea how I would be able to deal with children like that - probably not well. Neither of our kids have any significant issues (insert the usual tedious recitation of my children’s virtues, including but not limited to my daughter’s straight A’s, my son’s successes on the ski team and the ACT, etc., etc.).
Regards,
Shodan
First of all, thanks for your great advice. You sound like you have a lot of experience!
To answer your question… hum. Both of our extended families are pretty screwed up – mine was quite abusive and neglectful (which might be one of the reasons I don’t flinch at the idea of working with abused/neglected kids) and his is dysfunctional at best. The people who have always been good to us, however, will accept our children no matter how they come. I’ve already spoken to my Mom about it and she really doesn’t care as long as we’re happy… and my husband’s sister IS actually adopted, so I’d be hard-pressed to find his parents having trouble with it.
Extremely willing. If for whatever reason a family cannot handle having another child, I see no problem with keeping the ties open… to the point that my adopted child’s birth parents are considered a welcome part of the family. If the birth parents want nothing to do with the kids, I would respect that too.
Right here. This is the reason why I can’t let the idea go, no matter how much of a headache the process seems to be, no matter how many obstacles we have to circumvent. I can’t help but believe, deep down in my soul, that your truth could be our truth.
Mine too. I am tired of hearing how much more authentic it is to give birth than to adopt. So I came out on the defensive… I apologize if I came off as being judgmental of birth parents. I think parenthood can be awesome for some and hell for others… and some are made to adopt, and some are made to give birth, and some are made to foster parent, and some are made to live in New York and write books and never have children. I’m comfortable with diversity… I’m just trying to figure out which category I fit into.
I took **Shodan’s ** quote a different way. Anyway, It reminded me of the time my (adopted) sister was being rude to my mother and a busy-body aunt took it upon herself to talk about the horrors of foster care, and how my sister should stop being a brat, and should be thankful to be living in a good home with loving parents. She meant well, of course, but it is not cool to make a kid feel like s/he is a charity case taken in out of the goodness of the adopter’s heart. She’s our family member, whom we love, and she doesn’t need to feel any more or less grateful than me (the biological kid). Of course, it’s good for everyone to be grateful for good families, but the foster care stuff had nothing to do with it, and young teens can annoying at times.
Sorry for the hijack. ::steps off soapbox::
As an adoptive parent you hear a lot of “what a good person you are for adopting.” Its the “save the heathen” belief - like we are Peace Corp volunteers or misssionaries and this is some sort of charitable act on our part. The adoptive parents are more “noble” than people who parent through birth. It gets old fast. My kid isn’t a charity case, he’s my kid. I didn’t adopt him to fill a void in his life, I adopted him to fill a void in mine - and in doing so met his needs for a family.
Our agency went so far as to fail people on their homestudy if their motivation was to “save” a child and not to build a family. So its a little drilled into me that such a notion is offensive and bad.
That’s an excellent point. Maybe I get more what Shodan was trying to say.
Honestly I have a ton of reasons for wanting to adopt vs. give birth, some of them noble and altruistic (lots of kids could use a good home), some practical (between my family’s mental health/cancer history and my husband’s allergies, any biological kid of ours would be dead by 30.) and others completely shallow and self-centered (I’m terrified of being out of control of my own body, i.e. pregnancy and its aftermath)… I don’t trust those “reasons” … I trust the part of me, when I was 9 and watching some special on adoption, or reading someone’s story, or whatever… that part of me that’s always felt, “That’s me. That’s what I’m supposed to do.” When I met my husband, and the issue of kids came up, I told him point-blank, “I want to adopt.” He loved the idea… his sister’s adopted, after all. It’s always been a part of who I am, and my feeling of my purpose in life, in in 2 decades that sense has never diminished.
Heck, now that I’m sitting here thinking about it, maybe I don’t want my Ph.D. after all. Maybe I want a Masters and then babies. This would be a MUCH easier decision if it weren’t so permanent!
I couldn’t have said it better myself! Way back when we got started with adoption and foster care and first started hearing comments like the above, I was so flabbergasted that I didn’t really know how to respond. After a lot of thought I decided the bare, naked truth was appropriate and began explaining that instead WE are the ones who are lucky. We have the honor, privilege and joy of sharing in this child’s life and that frankly, we were very selfish in our desire to have build our family through adoption and foster care.
Sometimes it still flew over their heads, but at least I tried. :rolleyes:
I think one of them was worried about identity issues at Jewish summer camp, but they didn’t come up when he went there.
I don’t understand the question about the family.
Fair enough!
You said the cousins were half Chinese, half Jewish (which I assume is caucasian, right?), so even though they were raised to be religiously Jewish, did the parents/grandparents support one culture over the other? Or did they enable a compromise for the cousins if they looked for one?
UPDATE!
My husband and I just went out to dinner, specifically to talk about this issue. We have both decided we definitely want to adopt within the next 3-7 years.
I brought up all the excellent points made here. We talked about everything from open adoption to kids of different ethnicities to the idea of adoption as “charity” (and we of course think that idea is bunk.) We identified our mutual and individual concerns… he is pretty much spot-on in agreement with me on all of these issues, and the ones where we have reservations, we have agreed to thoroughly investigate and research.
I have decided I’d rather have kids than a Ph.D… but I will not feel comfortable adopting until I at least have a professional degree, so that at any moment if it is necessary I will be able to find a job in my field (Social Work – I want to do therapy. My concern is not so much doing research as it is using scientifically supported treatment methods and being very well-trained in using them. This is possible to do with a Master’s degree.)
Basically the only two issues we don’t see eye to eye on are
1.) Ethnicity – he’s concerned since we’re so totally white that we won’t be equipped to handle the issues that may be raised, and that it could even alienate our kid or make him/her feel like we don’t understand who he/she is. I feel like we’ll be okay no matter what, and that we have many resources, including friends who are adopted and of a different ethnicity than their parents. Regardless, he’s willing to speak with people and do the research–to keep an open mind and learn more before he decides for certain. I am also willing to challenge my own assumptions with further investigation.
2.) Time frame – I want kids really, really bad, and the fact that I have to wait for my professional degree at all (even though that’s a self-imposed requirement) is hard enough. So of course I want to start the process as soon as I’ve got my Masters degree. He’s worried he’ll miss out on the kid’s early life if he’s too busy doing graduate work at that time to be around frequently. He’s also worried about having to move frequently during this time. It is a legitimate concern… I’m hoping by the time it gets to that point in our lives, the answer will be clear.
We have both agreed, unequivocally, we will not pressure the other to agree to some aspect of the deal – such as timing or ethnicity – that either of us feels the slightest bit uncomfortable with. Whatever we decide, we must both be on board 100% – to do otherwise is not fair to the child OR the spouse.
We have set a tentative time frame – about three years, or roughly the time I will have my Masters – at which point we must be ready to start the adoption process, even if we decide to wait a longer amount of time. My husband and I are both really big on making plans, but we are also super flexible about those plans depending on life circumstances. We need to learn more about the research on attachment disorder, read some books, and find out everything we can about state, federal, and international adoption laws. So from now on we will be working systematically toward this goal.
Tomorrow we’ll be having another meeting, in which we’ll discuss financial planning, both concerning the immediate future as well as the adoption process. We’ll start saving for the adoption expenses right away.
Well, what can I say? I’m really excited. I know it’s a few years away, but I look forward to the experience with all my heart and soul.
Thank you very much – all of you – for making these issues clearer to me, sharing your experiences and helping me identify some of the crucial points in this process. I always welcome more input (Insert Your Recommended Book Here) but I am incredibly grateful for what I have received.
Sincerely,
Christy (& Dom)
Their mother is Caucasian, yes. I mostly see them when they come to visit Mr. Neville’s parents for Passover, so I don’t really know too much about how they live day-to-day. But they seem like well-adjusted, successful, and nice people. Religiously, they’re Jewish- one of them was considering rabbinical school for a while (she later changed her mind). All in all, they don’t seem that different from my half-Japanese cousins (who were raised in an at least nominally Christian family- I converted to Judaism as an adult).
In case I wasn’t clear, I agree with this -
If adoptive parenting is altruistic, then all parenting is altruistic. If adoptive parenting is selfish, then all parenting is selfish.
FWIW, ethnicity (both the Shodan-ettes are from South Korea) was never much of an issue. In the area where I live, Asian adoptions are common enough not to be odd, and unusual enough to still be kind of cool.
But there are other Asian and non-Asian adoptees in my family, and therefore it is accepted in a rather matter-of-fact way. And my kids never seemed to care very much about the racial background angle. They both did Korean Culture Camp, but mostly just because it was fun, and when we suggested a trip to South Korea to see their birthplace, they caught on rather fast that this was because they were supposed to feel like they needed roots - and immediately made it clear they would rather go to Disney. Which we did, and had a lot of fun.
Children’s Home Society, which was our agency, pushes the Korean culture pretty hard, and asked lots and lots of questions about our feelings about race and so forth before the placement. I treated it as “there if we needed it”, and never much needed it, AFAICT. And my mom snowed my daughter under with Asian Barbie doll equivalents, and books and such for both. Better too prepared than not enough, I guess.
Kids tend to ruin your timing, no matter how they arrive. But it’s like teaching - be as thoroughly prepared as you can be, and also be prepared to wing it. Eventually, both approaches pay off.
Regards,
Shodan
PS - One week from today is the fifteenth anniversary of my daughter’s arrival. I love you, sweetie.
You might want to check around on that. I would not want to move my kids in high school and I would have been somewhat reluctant to have moved tham during middle school (grades 6, 7, 8) or junior high (grades 7, 8, 9) (depends on your state’s organization). However, I am not sure that moving smaller kids who have not established close social ties is that big of a deal. It can be rough being the “new kid in school,” but I am not sure that the attachments and “social” standings of kids in pre-school or early elementary are that serious, and kids who are too young to enter pre-school are even more adaptable.
FWIW, I personally moved 14 times before 4th grade, and I don’t recall it being very traumatic. Still, it’s a consideration.
Let me second the “family attitudes are important” theme. A cousin of mine and his wife have several children, both biological and adopted. When the kids’ paternal grandmother would call, she would only want to talk to the biological kids, and would refuse to talk to the adopted ones. Obviously, this was crushing for them; I personally saw them cry b/c of their grandmother’s preferential treatment.
Fucking cunt. I hate that woman.
We’ve discussed this. It will not be tolerated. Period. If they want to be in our lives, they will treat our children as equals… or else we’re gone, simple as that. We’ve cut family out of our lives before, we’re not afraid to do it again.
Keeping that in mind, we’ve also agreed it’s unlikely it would come to that. Generally it’s okay to expect the best from people… as long as you prepare for the worst.
Good for you. Your husband and your kids are your core family, and (IMO) the most important priority. We certainly put our kid’s welfare above the feelings of any parent or grandparent. But it can be **really ** hard to do that. Good on you that you two are firm about this and willing to bite the bullet, if need be.