Guess the thread title says it all. We haven’t really looked into this process much at all, due to some superstitious fear that doing research might prevent us from conceiving (well, I guess it might, depending on how much research we were doing…). But the news from the fertility doc this morning was not promising, so… 
…this thread. Anyone out there adopted a child? Looked into it? I’d be interested in any advice or stories anyone can share. Wondering about the details of how it works, length of time we should expect it to take, financial issues, pros/cons of foreign vs. domestic adoptions, etc. Recommendations for good books or websites on the subject would also be appreciated.
I’ve known several familes who became foster parents, with the intention of adoption. Each of them were put through the wringer by social services. Just remember that as long as the foster kid’s birth parents have not had their parental rights completely severed, you have almost zero say about the ultimate fate of the child, those decisions will be made for you by the courts, social services, and the birth parents.
I am not an adoptive parent. I understand, howeverm that international adoptions are getting more difficult. Are you set on having an infant, or only one child? I think you might find it easier if you would adopt a slightly older child, or siblings.
StG
This website you may find helpful - It’s actually the website of Adoptive Families, a magazine about adoption. http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/
My wife and I adopted, but much of what we learned is probably not transferable to your situation, since we were living abroad at the time and adopted from our host country. But we adopted a baby (7 days old), which made a huge difference. I’m willing to listen to other points of view, but I would **never ** adopt an older child (8 months+); the potential for psychological problems is too great. Raising a kid is enough of a crapshoot as it is. Unfortunately, with many foreign adoptions you don’t have any choice.
We, too, waited to consider adoption until all other options were exhausted. Part of it is the natural fear that you won’t love an adopted child the way you would a biological child. (You might not be worried about this.) But if you are worried about it, you shouldn’t be. We couldn’t love our child more if we were her biological parents; she’s our daughter, and it doesn’t matter how she came to us.
At any rate, I’ll be happy to answer any questions. I know there are other adoptive parents (and adoptees) on this board, so they’ll pitch in, too, no doubt.
The superstition I’ve heard is the exact opposite of what you fear. Most say they conceived shortly after the ink was on the paper with their adoptive child.
I’m not adopted, I’ve never adopted, but I know plenty of people who did both. It can’t be a bad thing to share your love and life with someone who needs it. Good luck in your path to parenthood!!
My wife and I are trying to adopt. First we went to a private service which handles international adoptions. We had a couple choices. We choose the China option. The Chinese program was relatively inexpensive, and my wife wants a girl.
We completed our paperwork, sent our application and fee’s to the Chinese consulate. About two or three months later, the Chinese government drastically increased the requirements to adopt from China. The agency has assured us that because we applied before the rule changes we would still be able to adopt. Since then the waiting period has continually increased and my wife and I have become somewhat skeptical.
We decided to pursue foster and adoption through the state. We completed paperwork and attended a required class for potential foster/adoption parents. This was 9 three hour sessions, although they never lasted the full 3 hours. After the class was over my wife and I decided not to go through the state.
Reunification is the main goal of the state, and it occurs about 75% of the time. It was impossible to find children to adopt who were young enough (we wanted less than 6) but did not have severe disabilities. Older children were not an option because of my wife’s parents. After that awful class neither one of us wanted to put up with child protective services, to the extent we would have too.
So we are still waiting on China.
We have a nine year old son from Korea.
I would suggest -
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Contacting three or four agencies local to you and going to their orientations. Three or four should start to give you a feel for domestic or international. Plus the cost - adoption isn’t cheap. And the timeline. And the committment you are making.
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After that, start some internet research. There is SO MUCH out on the internet that until you have some idea of what you want, digging through the information will be daunting.
Start by defining:
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What your own limitations are (some agencies in Korea have weight restrictions, of all things - Brainiac4 had to lose 30 lbs in order for us to adopt! Some countries have minimum income requirements, some want certain lengths of marriage - you’ll find some of this out through those orientations).
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What you are willing to spend - sounds crass, but adoption is expensive, and you may decide that $30,000 from program X is more affordable than $60,000 from program Y. (There are tax credits available - or where, do a search).
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What you are willing to accept. Be honest with yourself. Not everyone is cut out to parent a special needs kid. Not everyone can handle race issues. Not everyone is willing to accept an older child. Not everyone will wait four years. Not everyone will put up with the uncertainty in domestic adoption. Saying “I will not risk fetal alcohol syndrome (or not join a program where that is anything other than a small risk)” will narrow your options - but you need to be honest.
By the way, this is who we adopted through:
http://www.childrenshomeadopt.org/
They don’t work much out of state (Minnesota) but their website has good information for international adoption on their programs, costs and timelines, plus requirements (click international adoptions, adoptions at a glance). It will at least give you a start about the sorts of things I’m talking about.
I had a client that went through the adoption process with an organization in Russia.
The had to fly there and finish it/pick up the child. When they got there, they found out that the baby came with a 14 year old brother - the Russian government supposedly does a search for all siblings and they come as a package.
My client was hesitant but the really wanted the baby…so they took him.
Turns out, the 14 year old is a dream. He’s loved America since he was a kid and dreamed of coming here. Very polite, loving and well mannered. Already had learned English pretty well on his own. Loves being in America and is grateful to be here.
The baby is now 3. The baby is a terror. Psychological work has shown that the baby was severely abused and will probably never be normal. He was very sad during this discussion because he and his wife were considering institutionalizing it.
Thanks for your feedback and advice, everyone, please keep it coming! Our worry is not that we wouldn’t be able to love a non-biological child, but we really don’t feel ready to accept a significant risk (of course we know the risk will never be zero, even with bio-kids) of getting a kid with severe disabilities, which sounds like it will definitely limit our options.
Yikes. If it’s still on topic, care to elaborate?
If you get any kind of benefits package through work, you might want to check on what adoption benefits are buried in there if you haven’t already. I don’t know what my own benefits are now – my company merged recently – but at least until recently, I would’ve been eligible for up to $10,000 towards the costs of adoption plus access to various counseling support services.
I was adopted as a newborn and am happy about it, proud of it, whatever you’d say. My parents turned out to be just the right parents for me. They told me from the beginning that I was adopted, and I used to brag about it. “They picked me out on purpose!”
It may or may not limit your options, it depends on what other variables you have.
We adopted a healthy seven month old from Korea. He’s a great kid. Needs glasses and possibly braces - but no emotional issues have shown up in the past eight years, no physical issues. I have friends with perfectly normal kids from Guatemala, Peru, and Kazakhstan (three different friends).
It will be easier to adopt a healthy child internationally if you are open to race. If you are willing to accept a child over six months (but usually less than two). If you are willing to wait.
Some local friends had a very positive and rapid and comparatively affordable adoption through Catholic Charities, here in Colorado.
This is a really good site for Korean adoption, if you are interested in that program
I adopted a child from China through Children’s Home. My advise is to really do your research on the agency. If you have a good, reputable agency, they should be able to help you think seriously and honestly about your options.
One reason I like CHS is that they are big enough to have a lot of different programs, both domestic and international. It gave us a lot of feedback, and a lot of choices.
Our daughter was 2 1/2 at placement, and had a heart issue. She is a dream, and the cardiologist tells us that there are professional athletes with her heart issues. Because of her age and health she was labeled “special needs” and we were on a much shorter timeline than the regular healthy infant program.
Special needs covers a wide range, from kids like my daughter to kids who need multiple surgeries in order to function. If you are honest about what your parameters are, it can be a wonderful way to go.
Cash. Lots of cash. Consult a financial professional to determine how to best work the money. Because you don’t need the entire $20-30 K up front, use the extra to help finance a little passing for the post-adoption.
While I’m at it, who’s got 30 thousand dollars just sitting around when you’re under 35? Especially after paying for infertility treatments?
First point: adoption is a beautiful wonderful thing.
Second point: I work for a company that supports specialty physicians’ fertility clinics in the US. I state this both to offer a bit of background and as a disclaimer.
IANADoctor and have no idea what type of fertility care you have received. A couple of observations you may already know a lot about:
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if you are concerned about passing genetic problems onto a baby, there are a number of genetic conditions that can be screened for using PGD - Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis - sometimes expanded to PGS - Preimplantation Genetic Screening.
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if you are concerned about spending significant money on fertility/IVF treatments and not having money left for adoption if the treatments are not successful, then you can look into “multi-cycle treatment plans” such as the IntegraMed Shared Risk(r) Refund Plan - you pay a fixed fee up front and lock-in a set amount of treatments. And depending on the type of IVF care you receive, if you don’t end up taking home a baby you will get a refund of 70% - 100% of you money, which you could put towards adoption - so your risk is far less…
Just a couple of points - if you find them helpful, wonderful. If you are way past them in your thinking, best of luck as you pursue things.
First off Lemur866, my sympathies about the fertility struggles and heartaches. After we had our son we went through years of fertility problems and tests where my wife could get pregnant but would lose the babies. After years of trying we looked into adoption. Some of the private companies made it feel like we were buying a baby (one wouldn’t even tell us the costs until after we told them how much we made). International seemed like an OK option but we had heard horror stories about the abuse and rampant Fetal Alcohol Syndrome in the form Eastern Block countries as well as the expense of going to China or Korea.
We decided to go through DCFS. The state pays for the classes as well as the adoption attorney. We talked to some people we knew who had gone through DCFS. They suggested we go with a foster agency in a predominantly African American neighborhood because that meant that if a non-African American child was brought to them then we would most likely be near the top of the list. We told the foster agency we were working with that we were doing foster care to adopt, not short term placement. We told them we were looking for a child from zero to two years (usually less psychological trauma to overcome), no siblings (since we already had a son we didn’t want to take on too much too fast), white/Hispanic or mix (we would have had no problem with other races but sometimes DCFS is reluctant to allow adoptions to parents of a different race, especially African-American children) and right of refusal (meaning they couldn’t just call us up and tell us they were bringing a kid over but would have to tell us the child’s history so we could decide if we were ready). I know this sounds like we were being overly picky but we were looking out for our family and what we would be able to handle.
The foster classes were a joke and consisted of a few weekends being told common sense things about child care but also explaining about how to get the most effective support from the system. After the classes ended we waited.
Over the next year we received three calls. First call was for a short term placement but we knew we couldn’t bring a baby into our house, get attached and then have to see them leave (we had done enough grieving after the miscarriages). Second was for a baby but he had a 10 year old brother (our son was 8 at the time). Third was for a baby born to a cocaine and alcohol addicted mother and the baby had FAS.
Finally, my wife got a call that there was a 12 week old white baby girl in the system, the mother had 4 previous children taken away and adopted by non-family members (which meant that her parental rights had been terminated before and most likely would again), she was drug and alcohol free and would we be ready for her to be at our house in 4 hours?
It took almost two years of visits with the birth mother (her rights were terminated because she has Borderline Personality Disorder and was abusive and neglectful), court hearings, DCFS visits, red tape and a lot of bullshit but we finally adopted our beautiful little girl and she became a permanent part of our family. There were headaches and heartaches along the way and dealing with a beaurocracy is not easy but she is so worth it. If you have any questions , please feel free to e-mail me.
Slight post-script to our saga: Shortly after we completed the adoption, the birth mother got pregnant again. We knew this baby would be taken away as well and that we would be the first ones contacted about placement. But we also knew we couldn’t handle another baby, let alone another round of dealing with DCFS so soon. Our best friends came to us and asked if we would mind if they could adopt the new baby! We were thrilled with the idea so we notified DCFS about the birth mother’s pregnancy and about what we had discussed. When the baby was born, she was taken away from the birth mother and came to our friends. After two years of the same crap we went through they completed the adoption. So now our daughters, who are actually sisters, see each other almost every day.