advice for a future adopter

In My Humble Opinion
41

I moved a lot as a kid, too. But adopted kids often ARRIVE with baggage. Some describe their first disruption - the fact that their birthmother didn’t (couldn’t) raise them as highly traumatic. Each subsequent disruption adds to the trauma - for some adoptees its a little like PTSD (I’m sure for some adoptees it actually IS PTSD). This is particularly true if they were old enough to remember the disruptions - i.e. they remember their birth home, and remember a foster home or two.

My kid - we could move 14 times before 4th grade and he’d probably take it in as good a stride as any other kid (and my bio daughter wouldn’t). Other adoptees…not so much.

42

Another part of our discussion, we didn’t mention, is that, at least for the first child we adopt, we’re going to adopt as young as possible. We’ve discussed possibly later taking in older kids, or siblings, but it seems like, since we’ve never been parents AT ALL, it would make more sense to start with as few complications as we possibly can. If we do take in older kids, they would probably be foster kids, at least at first.

Fortunately for me, I have PTSD and have coped with it for years due to my own childhood experiences between the ages of 3 and 17… it is my fervent hope that my experiences will enable me to at least have some empathy with these kids, and have some clue what they are going through. Which is not to assume automatically that I will understand, or that every situation is the same… but only that I’ll have a starting point of compassion, understanding, and thorough knowledge of the symptoms of the condition.

43

I was reminded of this thread recently when I read a review of a new book out about a child psychiatrist’s experiences working with abused children. It’s called
“The Boy Who Was Raised As a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist’s Notebook: What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love and Healing” by Dr. Bruce Perry

I just thought I’d mention it, since it seems like it might offer some useful insights for anyone who is considering parenting a child from such a painful past.

44

My definition of vocation, right there. “An activity that you didn’t know you were missing until you first heard about it and which centers your life like nothing else can.”

Good luck with your vocation, mine worked fine :smiley: (Mine was “to travel a lot” and my resume includes so many different countries it’s scary, specially for a civilian)

45

If I may make a suggestion that is a little off the path here.
Hit the library (or search the web) and read up about what kind of parent do you want to be.

What were some good things your parents did ( if any, considering the BBQ thread ) What do you want to avoid doing what they did and how will you go about that? ( IE Will you be brave enough to put down the Mental Luggage that has been ‘handed down’ from generation to generation? Not many are.)

It is one thing to say, " I will never yell at my child over X" but until your child does X for the trillionth time, you never really never know what your reaction will be.

What traditions do you want to start?

What traditions do you wish to cease?
And, most importantly, Do, We AS Dopers, get a shot at naming this future lucky baby?

In 3-7 years I will be available for adoption. So will my husband. And kids. Hey, you can get a group rate and we are all potty trained. My only special needs are I needs intarweb daily.

46

I’m not adopted, but I am the black sheep. A few words about attachment. My mother said that because I was in the hospital in an incubator for so long (2 months, so she says) that she was never able to bond with me and that is why our relationship has always been so rocky. I say it’s because she’s one of those fucked up women that idolize their sons.

Now I’m a mother of a 17 month old and let me tell you, I bonded from the first sonogram. When they took her to the NICU after she was born, I was a raging Mama Bear. That was MY child, get ME to HER NOW!

I see, hear folks all the time who do have healthy, attached relationships with their adopted children. Please don’t assume that because you aren’t there from conception that you have lost your chance. My mother has had thousands of opportunities to bond with me.

There are valid concerns with adoption, however, I can speak for myself and for my husband, now that we actually have a kid, we are far less afraid of the “could be’s” than we used to be. We had a pretty big scare with Down’s Syndrome and fortunately our daughter is fine, but I severely doubt our conversations would be even remotely the same our next go round (when my risk is higher from the outset).

I wish I could explain to someone what it means to be a Mom who isn’t one yet. I will tell you this, my very active toddler wasn’t feeling well today and wanted to spend the day in Mommy’s lap. As bad as I felt for her feeling bad, YIPPEEE! I got to cuddle with her again! Oh my sweet baby, resting her tired head on my shoulder and patting MY back. Work? School? Huh?
http://chicksrock.net/wordpress/wp-gallery2.php?g2_itemId=990

That is what my life is about. That is the face that makes anything this world throws at me really, really worth it. If I died tomorrow, my only regret would be that I hadn’t lived long enough to hear my daughter tell me she loves me. But I have lived long enough to see her smile, to have her reach for me when she is afraid and dance with me to Ring Around The Rosie.

Sorry for being such a mush, but several threads about babies, a cuddley baby and I’m a goner. :wink: Good luck to you. Whichever you choose, your life, hopefully, will never be the same.

47

Um. You made me cry.