My wife and I recently decided to go through the adoption process. However, we know little about it.
I have a few questions, and then a request for commentary.
Questions:
[ol]
[li]First processes. Is the first step to contact a lawyer? Is it to go toa facility that offers adoption assistance?[/li][li]Nationality. Am I wrong in thinking we will have a choice in the baby’s country of origin? For example, coudl we specify a child from Ireland, South Korea or Sweden (broad examples)?[/li][li]Are there medical and genetic tests done through reputable Adoption agencies/sources?[/li][li]Are we allowed to specifiy age of the child?[/li][li]What is the approximate time frame from initiation to having the child come home?[/li][/ol]
If anyone has an y commentary, it’s welcome. If anyone has been through an adoption, that’s great, too.
I was adopted, and I gave a child up for adoption. Although it has nothing to do with International adoption (I assume that that’s what you’re referring to), if you’re interested, I’d be happy to tell you about my experiences. To answer your questions:
First processes. Is the first step to contact a lawyer? Is it to go toa facility that offers adoption assistance?
I went through Lutheran Child and Family Services - my parents used them to adopt me, and I used them to place my daughter. A lawyer can help you, but there are also a number of social service agencies that can help you as well. Don’t know how it works internationally.
Nationality. Am I wrong in thinking we will have a choice in the baby’s country of origin? For example, coudl we specify a child from Ireland, South Korea or Sweden (broad examples)?
Don’t know - not applicable in my case.
Are there medical and genetic tests done through reputable Adoption agencies/sources?
Tests? No. Background information? Oh my yes. Sometimes that’s the only way the adoptee can ever find out their “medical history”. I’m having some difficulty right now with that - my son has been diagnosed with a possible illness that is hereditary - and I can’t tell his pediatrician whether or not it runs in the family as I have no medical history, really. Don’t know how it works internationally.
Are we allowed to specifiy age of the child?
The people who adopted my daughter had specified infant, as did my parents. Don’t know how it works internationally.
What is the approximate time frame from initiation to having the child come home?
In my parents case it was two years before they could bring me home. I had to be born first, then I went to foster care for two months. In the case of my daughter, I don’ t know how long the couple had waited. Don’t know how it works internationally.
The first step would be to contact an adoption agency. There are lots of different agencies who work differently, so they are not all the same. I’m sure that lots of them will have an ‘open house’ or some sort of introductory seminar for people who are starting the process with zero knowledge to begin with. My wife and I looked at several and went with ICA - International Childrens Alliance.
One of the big decisions you’ll need to make is whether you are going to adopt domestically or internationally. If you decide to go internationally, you might specify a particular country if you want, but keep in mind that some an agency may only be set up for some countries and not others. Also, you might specify something like “Eastern Europe”, which could encompass several countries.
The amount of medical history you’ll get can vary widely depending on the country, the specific orphanage, and other factors. You’ll also get no guarantees that the info is accurate. Friends of ours adopted from Russia, and with their agency, they were only told the sex and age of the child. When my wife and I adopted (also from Russia, but through a different agency) we had quite a bit more medical history, along with some photos. I would guess that genetic testing is too sophisticated to be available to orphanages.
Our agency had us fill out a form that discussed preferences. So we would put down a requested age, what medical conditions were acceptable or not, ethnicity, gender, how much of a hurry we were in, and other criteria. Then we were to rank those criteria in order of importance. When our agency heard of a child that seemed to come close, they would send us a referral (recommendation) for us to consider.
Some other agencies just take the next child that becomes available and gives that referral to the next set of parents on their list, and basically just say “take this child, or you move back to the bottom of the list”.
Again, this varies widely on what country you work with, and what sort of child you are willing to accept. If you are willing to adopt a special needs child of any gender and any age, your adoption will go faster than if you insist on a particlar sex, under 12 months, in perfect health, of Rumanian descent.
A coworker adopted from Peru, and I think she took about 5-6 months. But typically, I think most international adoptions take a year or so. (Ours took closer to 2). Also, it depends on how fast you take to complete your paperwork, get your letters of recommendation, your medical exams, your fingerprints and background checks done, etc.
If you’re in Arlington Heights, Illinois, there is an agency called St. Mary’s that happens to be right there in your town. I know someone who adopted two boys through them. It’s a religious organization, but they don’t have strict religious requirements, as far as I know. Both of my friends’ sons were domestic adoptions, but I think they also handle the international kind.
There’s a certain amount of required paperwork, seminars and background checks (in Illinois, before you become an adoptive parent you have to be licensed as a foster parent). I would say that the best-case scenario is that it can take a few months to qualify, and then it’s basically a waiting game until a child becomes available. At St. Mary’s it is actually the birth mother that chooses from potential adoptive families, usually. My friends waited over a year for both of their sons.
Yes, we’re in Arl Hts, IL, so that’s a plus, and a potential place to look. We’re not religious, so if they do require Catholic as a religious background, that’s not a way we’d want to go.
If the birth mother chooses parents, does that imply an “open” adoption? I don’t think we’re interested in an open format, but I guess I’d be open to hearing why that makes me a nutbag.
If you’re not looking for a religous organization, try The Cradle in Evanston. They also do open adoptions. Someone at my office was able to go from starting the process to having a baby within 8 months. However, because they are open adoptions, it is merely a matter of when you are chosen by the birth mother that determines how long you are “in the book.” In my friend’s case, it took them 7 months (maybe a little more) to complete the paperwork and about a month to be chosen by a birth mother. The average wait to be chosen can be as long as 2 years, but that is atypical.
I think with St. Mary’s (I believe they’re Episcopal, BTW), the degree of openness is kind of negotiable. The birth parents are asked to write update letters and send photos through the agency at quarterly(?) intervals for the first couple of years, and anything beyond that is worked out between the two parties. With my friends’ first adoption, the birth parents weren’t interested in the open option, and let the agency choose the birth parents. With the second, the birth mom asked for one meeting before, and wanted to be present when the baby was picked up at the hospital, plus the letters, photos, etc. It was an intense emotional experience to pick up the baby with his birth mother there, but at least there was some connection and closure, and they have photos of the birth mom in case the little guy is curious later.
Hi, I am also adopted and happy to answer any queries from an adoptees experience. Have a few experiences I could share with you, but don’t want to overload you with information, particularly as you are at the early stages. However, the offer is there, so feel free to ask in this thread.
I’ve been reading some websites (Domestic vs. International, etc.), and it’s all very intricate (as I thought it might be).
I did see some dollar figures listed, though. Woudl any of you be able to anecdotally verify a round $20k number for Domestic -or- International?
A question my wife asked me: Are there agencies that specialize in certain countries? For example, if I wanted to adopt a Kiwi (sandra_nz, for example!), are there agencies that specialize in NZ? I am pretty sure I’ve heard of agencies that narrow down to “Russia” and “China”, but woudl I be able to look for a child from Ireland or Portugal (again, for example)? Do some countries not have adoption agreeements available for Americans (meaining they do just fine within the country)?
I think my wife is categorically opposed to an Open Adoption. To be honest, I’m not sure (and maye it’s a failing of mine) who would want to be an adopter in that situation. I would think that you’d have to exert a great deal of effort in making the child view you as the primary parent. Who’s to say the parent won’t want the child back later, and use the Open Adoption rules as a “bye” to get further involved with the child?
Thanks, though…I will certainly look into St. Mary’s.
From a New Zealand government website:
“I am a foreigner living overseas, can I adopt a New Zealand child?
Only when children are unable to be cared for by their immediate or extended family, or an alternative family in New Zealand, would intercountry adoption be considered. Adoption of New Zealand children by foreigners overseas therefore rarely occurs, as all New Zealand born children can be readily placed with New Zealand families.”
I am in the USA. We contacted a local social services agency. For a private adoption, a lawyer specializing in such things might be better.
Our agency did mostly adoptions from South Korea (at the time, about fifteen years ago). They also do adoptions from other countries - Colombia, China, Eastern Europe. Also local adoptions.
There were some basic developmental tests done in South Korea on our kids, which were always mentioned in the adoption prospectus (or whatever it was called). No genetic tests that I am aware of. They were extremely forthright about any possible medical conditions. Neither of our kids have any.
Sure - in general, the older the child, the easier it is to get them. However, as often, the more specific your requests, the more difficult it might be to fit a good fit.
About eighteen months from beginning the application process to when my son arrived. About two years for our daughter. For the first six months, we were considered foster parents, until final approval and we adopted each. Then they became naturalized citizens a few months later.
There was a lot of paperwork and checking - credit checks, background checks, writing biographies, interviews with the social worker, etc., etc.
For domestic, I have no information. For our adoptions from South Korea, they charged us on a sliding scale, but as I say, it was about fifteen years ago. $20K seems on the high end of reasonable, but not excessively so.
As was I. We went to a seminar where one of the presenters was the birth mother of a child in an open adoption, and I was quite surprised at how negatively I reacted to the whole thing. Maybe it is a great thing, but it would not have worked at all for us. YMMV, as always.
Good luck. It is an exhausting and nerve-wracking process. Then, at least in my case, you wind up with the two most perfect children on earth.
Insert several paragraphs where Shodan brags about his radiantly beautiful and perfect daughter and handsome, thoroughly wonderful son.
Shodan, thanks for the information. I went to the Library (paper information! <gasp>), and most of what you say is corroborated.
When my wife and I were reading about the paperwork, we were amazed. It seems like a HUGE amount to accomplish. One part we read left us scratching our heads, and we couldn’t figure it out.
Some of the information was referenced as having a 1-year time limit. Fine…I can figure that much out. Listed were the Physical Exam and the Home Visit (I have that name wrong). In your experience, did that clock start running from the exam/home visit and then stop at the approval to adopt by the agency? Or…if we were not to select a child within that year…new Exam/Home Visit?
BTW…after reading my information, we’re leaning to Korea or Colombia (the first for the escort service (bad terminology there…) and to Colombia for relatively thorough Med records). We have some Korean friends who woudl love to offer their support as the child was getting older, and the Colombian system just seems so slick.
Shodan! I didn’t know. Send me email and I’ll brag about my 3 adopted daughters and listen to your ranting and raving about your kids. I’ve always had a fair amount of respect for you, now it’s tripled!
We have adopted 3 daughters from China. (We also have 4 bio-kids, 2 boys, 2 girls.) We went with CCAI because they’re a) local and b) the best.
Adoption 1: Healthy child, 10 months old when we adopted her. Was in foster care for several months and was apparently very happy there. Still the healthiest kid I’ve ever seen. Now 5. Time from agency approval to adoption: 20 months.
Adoption 2: Special needs, 20 months old when we adopted her. Was in foster care for 10 months or so. Clearly was sexually abused by foster father* and neglected by foster mother. Turns out her physical problems were MUCH worse than we were told (she has VACTERL syndrome–heart murmur, spinal problems, anal displasia and more–ask if you want info). The orphanage director had her records doctored so she would have a better chance to be adopted. We know because we eventually found two different records, one with some stuff missing. She is now 4 and is recovering well from the abuse. Still needs major surgery but by the time she’s in junior high no one will ever know she had a problem.
Adoption 3: Special needs, 6 years old when we adopted her. Was in foster care and loved her foster mom very much. Very healthy–“smarter than Satan and strong as a bull.” We tossed her into kindergarten 2 weeks after we got home and she is now (10 months after homecoming) a totally American girl.
Reasons we chose China (I get asked this all the time):
You will adopt a girl unless you specifically ask for a boy. We’ve done much better with girls than boys, so we wanted a daughter.
No bio parents coming 'round. Friends who were in our first adoption group had tried to adopt domestically, their daughter was in their home for 2 months, then bio mom changed her mind and they had to GIVE THEIR DAUGHTER BACK.
Healthiest kids available in the world, not withstanding our 2 special needs adoptions. In the US, most of the kids available–not to put too fine a point on it–are crack babies. (A gross generalization, there are many exceptions.)
You get to travel to China to bring home your kid. For us this was a big selling point as we both love Chinese culture. YMMV.
Cost–there is an income tax refund (for us in the US) of up to $10,000 of your adoption expenses, domestic or international. That includes airfare and hotel if you travel. Each of our adoptions cost between $15,000 & $20,000 (I used a LOT of frequent flyer miles), and then we got $10,000 back on our taxes the next April.
IMPORTANT RECOMMENDATION: Check references before you pick an agency. Get on the adoption discussion groups on the Web (there are a BUNCH on Yahoo and many others elsewhere). You don’t want to end up in the middle of China/Korea/Brazil/wherever with no support!
If I had the right connections, his body would never be found. No smilie.
Yes, there is a lot of it. And you have to do it again if you want to adopt again. We made it a goal to get it done ASAP after we received it, which meant staying up late on the day we got the forms and filling it all out.
There is also information on the Internet, of course. When we finalized the adoption, I had written a piece to say that was intended to cover all the legal bases, since we did not use an attorney, and the judge just let me read it into the record instead of asking me leading questions.
FWIW, my experience is that the legal system is very accomodating and supportive of adopting in this instances. The judge for our daughter’s adoption said that she saw so much cruelty and family break-up that seeing a family growing was a refreshing change of pace, and she wanted to assist with it. She was a nice lady. My daughter tried to steal her gavel.
The short answer is “I don’t know, check with the agency”. FWIW, we had two home visits - one before we could go on the waiting list, and another after our son arrived to see how he was fitting in. I suspect if there was too much of a wait between the first home visit and the arrival of a child, you might have to repeat the home visit and/or the physical exam to be sure nothing had changed for the worse. The home visit was one of the easier parts - the second time was unannounced, so we didn’t even have to clean up the house.
There were other contacts with the agency (Children’s Home Society) in between, of course. One big one was an evening presentation to talk about the adoption process, after our son arrived. My son was working the audience there like a politician - charming everyone (and rifling their purses for interesting stuff while they cooed over him). He’s good at that.
Both our kids are from South Korea. Part of the cost of adoption is the airfare for the escort to pick them up and accompany them to the US. My sister also got to do this for my cousin’s oldest daughter. This was right before the Seoul Olympics, so she got to experience Korea practicing being hospitable for the tourists.
Our son was escorted by a lady from our agency. Our daughter was with a guy in the military who was coming home to America from Korea. He said he didn’t really get much chance to hold her on the flight - the rest of the passengers were passing her around and cuddling her.
Columbian adoption was just getting more common when we got our daughter. If that system is as well developed as the Korean one, it works pretty slick. I talked with one couple who had some troubles in Columbia when she went to pick their daughter. They stalled her for six weeks in-country with paperwork. No idea if that still happens, or even if it was common fifteen years ago.
With Korea, it is (or at least was) the opposite. If you don’t specify a sex, you usually get a boy. We did not specify the first time, and got a son. We asked for a girl the second time, and got a daughter. My mom wanted us to ask for twins. :eek:
My cousin asked for a girl (she already had sons) and got a daughter. Then, ten months later, the agency (Lutheran Social Services) contacted them and told them that the same couple had had another daughter, and would they be interested in another daughter. They said yes, and now have daughters who are birth sisters as well as regular sisters. I believe the birth parents wanted the girls to be together. Don’t know if this is common.
Every adoptive parents’ worst nightmare. But yes, it is sort of a plus to be somewhat more sure that there won’t be any of this. I am deeply grateful to the birth parents of my kids, and wish them all kinds of well, but they can stay where they are until and unless my kids decide to initiate contact.
We asked if either my son or my daughter wanted to go to Korea to see the place and possibly look for their birth parents. Both agreed that they would rather go to Disney World. They are not really into the “Korean heritage” thing, although they both did Korean Culture Camp for many years.
The only drawback being that you don’t get any genetic background on your kids. This is hardly unique to foreign adoptees - my brother-in-law is also adopted, and refers to himself as a “genetic grab-bag” because you can’t look at his grandparents and see what to expect. Not that this is always a bad thing - my nephew, his son, is 6’8" and 305 lbs. He plays college football and is projected to be a first round draft choice when he graduates.
See above for our experience with escorts. The agency recommened that we use an escort, on the theory that the parents would deal better with a seriously jet-lagged baby if we were not jet-lagged ourselves.
But listen to NoCoolUserName (hi! and my best to your daughters) for another and more recent perspective. All this was a while back, and I only know South Korea adoption first-hand.
Sorry to bump this, but if anyone is still reading, today is the fourteen anniversary of my daughter’s arrival from South Korea.
Darling girl -
You will probably never read this, so I will be sure to tell you in person. You are the best, most perfect daughter I could possibly have imagined. Our Lord loves you very much, and He loves me and your mom very much, because He gave you to us. And you are more wonderful, and more beautiful, and more intelligent, than I ever deserve. I love you with all my heart. Happy Anniversary, honey girl.
I believe the birth parents wanted the girls to be together. Don’t know if this is common.
They are not really into the “Korean heritage” thing, although they both did Korean Culture Camp for many years.