Adoption, personal view?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Let me preface this by saying that I know that there are thousands of sites out there on adoption. I just wonder if anyone has any personal experience, good or bad.

That said, I really wanna adopt a child. There is no reason other than I feel lucky and I want to share my luck, life and love with a child that needs parents.

I guess I would prefer to adopt from out of the USA, probably because I watch Dateline too much. Seeing all the orphans in war-torn countries really gets me down deep in my gut.

When I first told Mr. Duhnym about this he was shocked, but I think I have him used (even accepting) to the idea of it. I do know that I will have to do all the research and present him a plan of action (like a business plan) for him to sit down and have a hard look at it. I figured this was a good place to start soliciting opinions, reassurances, etc.

I do know two different couples that have adopted 6 out-of-the-country children between them, so I’m not looking for advice on how to accomplish this, I’ve got my adoption Svengali. I really just want to know if anyone out there has done it, and how you feel about the results. Also, I want honest opinions, something that the anonimity (sp?) of cyberspace can sometimes produce.

Any advice?

BTW, opinions from adoptees is welcome and wanted too!

Sue

A woman needs four animals in her life: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
—Zsa Zsa Gabor

2

I’m sure there are a lot of American kids that need adoption too.

3

I’m sure there are. I am also sure that there a lot of American couples that would like to adopt American children.

There are a lot of children in countries outside of the USA that American couples just don’t have the wherewithall (?) to adopt. It is cost prohibitive, not only the travel to get that child, but in the foreign adoption process. My husband and I have the money to do it, and I think I would prefer to adopt a child that wouldn’t have a choice otherwise.

I don’t want to start a debate, I am just soliciting opinions. Yours is a valid point, my choice is just different.

4

How about some advice from a birthmother?

Twelve years ago in July, my first child was born. I relinquished her for adoption. We have an open adoption, which means I still have a relationship with her, and I am a part of her life. She knows who I am, and how we are related. She knows the story surrounding her birth. She calls me “Cristi.”

Open adoption is not co-parenting. I have no say in anything regarding her upbringing. Her adoptive parents have simply been kind enough to allow me into their lives, and let me be a part of their family. It’s been wonderful, especially now that I have two more children. Her adoptive parents are truly remarkable people.

Open adoption is working for me. It’s not for everyone.

If you want to adopt, I say go for it. I would recommend as much openness as you feel you can deal with, but if you choose to adopt internationally, that may not be possible. I would also recommend being honest with the child about his/her background. Give him/her all the information you have, if & when they ask (some adoptees never do ask, or care to know).

I push for openness in adoption whenever I get the opportunity, because I’m not just a birthmother–I’m an adoptee as well, sort of. My stepfather adopted me when I was 2. I was not told that he was not my biological father until I was 21 years old. That was also when I found out that I have an older sister who was relinquished for adoption at her birth, in 1966. My sister and I have the same birthfather. My sister searched for & found my family back in 1988 (we were reunited just two months after my daughter was born–wow!), and then my sister and I searched for our birthfather. We were reunited with him in 1991.

Some adoptive children do have a desire to search for and find their birthfamilies. This is not a slam against your parenting, and don’t ever forget that. In most cases, it is just a desire to know their own roots. We all like to know where we came from–why should adoptees be any different?

I wish you all the best. Parenting is a tough job, adoptive, foster, step, or biological. But it’s a damn good one. Feel free to email me, if you want support!

Much love, Cristi

(ps–I whipped this pretty much off the top of my head. Sorry about the length, and please forgive any typos!)

This space blank, until Wally thinks up something cool to put here.

5

Sue , not only are we from the same great state of Michigan and it’s grossly overlooked little town of Royal Oak; we also think alike. Ohhhh scary.

I am adopted. I don’t have the cajones like Cristi to search for my birth family.

For a long time I’ve wanted to adopt a child for the same reasons you cite: To share the bounty of which I’ve/We’ve been blessed.

And to make this even more weird, I would want to adopt an overseas baby. Russia, probably. Dateline is to blame.

People who say we (meaning any prospective adoptive parent) should try to adopt an American baby should look into the screwed up adoption laws in the US. The average waiting list for a healthy white infant is 7 years. If someone does a private adoption, the lawyers fees and red tape are a nightmare.
For about half the money, and hassle, a couple can go to Russia and adopt a child there. Some parents who do this actually will adopt two or three kids ( a family) because of the money they saved. Kind of a blue light special. A needy child is a needy child.

Alas, we will probably never adopt because of the cost and as my husband says, " Why pay when we can have a baby for free."

Sadly, I do not have any links for you. I just wanted to add my two bits and wish you great luck!

Keep us updated on your progress with your husband!

6

Whenever somebody says “adoption” I think of the adoptive child of an acquaintance of mine (old roommate of a close friend). This child was born in Vietnam. She is five years old and has the sweetest smile in the world. Her mother is an older woman, older at least as mothers of five-year-olds go (probably mid-40s), and doesn’t have great marriage prospects, so this little girl must be the absolute light of her life. She is raising her daughter to be polite, self-confident, and cheerful.

Anyway, I get all choked up when I think about adoptions. I strongly encourage you to do adopt a kid from anywhere. The situation in Vietnam has improved dramatically in the last two decades, but I’m sure it could be a really hard life for a child there, especially one conceived accidentally or by an infirm mother. I’ve heard Romania is also a good place to look for someone to adopt.

As to American children needing to be adopted, I’m sure there are plenty, but I’ve always heard that demand outweighed supply, so to speak. And yes, American adoption laws aren’t always very helpful in making the process happen.

7

Cristi, thanks for your post. That’s the first personal account I’ve read of an open adoption. Too many birth mothers seem to think that choosing adoption has to mean giving up seeing their baby forever - as if their baby were just going to disappear. Yours is a great example of how this isn’t true. I imagine it was a heart-wrenching choice you made, and I’m glad it’s working.

8

I have a friend who is looking into adopting right now. She was told by human services that currently the state is no longer accepting applications for infant adoption due to the already enormous waiting lists. My friend is trying to adopt a 5-6 year old girl and the waiting list is still a couple of years. However, all of this is true only for healthy, white children. Children of different races and/or physical or mental handicap are much easier to get. The waiting lists are considerably shorter.

I am not saying that you should scrap plans for an overseas adoption, I think that you should adopt as many as possible from wherever you can–there are way too many children in this world that need good homes for people to be picky about a silly thing like location. I know this wasn’t any help to you, Sue, but I just wanted to post to hopefully help filter out any of the “you should adopt an American baby” posts.

I always try to do things in chronological order.

9

I have two nephews and a neice who were adopted, (they’re not biologically related to each other), all removed by the state from their birth parents due to neglect or worse. The youngest was 2 when adopted, and has some bonding problems even now due to no real care in the first few months, but every year you can see her trust a little more, begin to believe she really belongs, and that people aren’t going to disappear on her, or hurt her.

I understand what you say about oversea adoptions, but my family has three rescued children from the United States–children who would have grown up in hunger, abused, neglected, forgotten. I shudder to think what would have happened to my bright, gifted musician nephew if he had been left in the foster home system (don’t get me wrong, many wonderful people act as foster parents, but too many children spend their lives being bounced from one place to another, and more than anything else, children need love and a home). His brother seems to have the makings of a actor and an athlete, their sister, an artist, maybe a lawyer. They have dreams, ambitions, they have hope. Because my sister and brother-in-law adopted them, and the whole family loves them.

There are problems, because these children were damaged when they were very young, and there would be problems with an overseas adoption as well, especially if you adopt an older child–health, emotional, cultural. But there is support out there, in various forms, so as long as you’re aware of the issues, you can get help.

If you have the desire to adopt, go for it, whether it be from the U.S, or overseas, it’s a good thing to do.