Right now I have a client obsessing over the young women she adopted. Her adopted child wants to know about her biological family which seems completely normal to me. The client however seems to view this as the end of the world. I’m conflicted over whether or not this woman needs to be encouraged to see a psychiatrist or needs to be told to grow up.
Well I am one of three adopted children, my mother also gave one child up for adoption (loong story, dun go there) before getting married to my (adoptive) father.
Frankly speaking I find the op somewhat offensive and the story of the three billy goats gruff springs to mind as to his motivations.
I was adopted at around 3 days old (or less). What else would I call my parents other than mum and dad? It has been explained far more eloquently in earlier posts, but “parent” is a relationship, a shared emotional bond, a duty of care from both sides of the equation (child and caregiver). It has fuck all to do with blood ties or shared genes
Well, I can see why she would be a neurotic mess if you’ve imparted your wisdom on what is a parent with her.
I would say neither.
It is quite natural for her to be very scared of this, particularly with people like you around that spout all kinds of rubbish about blood being thicker than water and that cannot call somebody mom unless you are related by blood.
She is scared that she is going to be “supplanted” as mum by this other woman, maybe not rational, but very understandable…
I would suggest that she gets herself along to an adoptive parents support group, there are tonnes of them out there (I know that my country’s adoption service offers counselling for exactly this situation)
I have always considered gestating and giving birth the definition of female parent. Male parent is the one that provides the sperm. But other than that the words don’t really have much meaning. I was raised by my family, not my parents. Come to think of it, I don’t think I spent more than five minutes with my mother until I was an adult. I perferred my aunt and my grandmother.
This is rather a different issue than simpy whether the majority of adopted kids use the terms “mom” and “dad.”
Without getting into a lot of pop psychology, there is a point where kids need to break away from parental control. This can be traumatic for a lot of parents. When the situation includes an adoption, the normal fears of a parent that a child might choose to never return after flying the nest might be exacerbated in some cases with the knowledge that the fleeing child actually could have another home to which she or he could return. There are far too many variables to permit accurate generalizations, but it is not surprising that some adoptive parents see the birth parents as threats and the desire of the adopted child to know the birth parents as a potential betrayal.
It really does not have much to do with using the terms mom and dad in the meantime.
Don’t go there, yourself.
[ /Modding ]
As a disinterested party, I would recommend referring her to a colleague who has more knowledge and understanding of adoption. As the client, I would insist upon it.
Your childhood experience is HIGHLY UNUSUAL in modern times, and the assumptions you make about children, adoption and parenting based on your own child tend to be wrong.
Problem with that is I’m a wise woman/fortune teller. While I don’t understand a lot of things about adoption, I am trying to undestand why this woman thinks this way. My colleagues have considerable negative opinions about adoption. At best, they would consider this woman to have stolen a child and would tell her that guilt is her problem (they would also fleece her for every cent possible). At worst, anything is possible and at the least, serious psychological damage.
Perhaps you should advise her to seek out an actual professional in the field of family counseling. Neither you nor your colleagues seem, from your description, to be operating in anything that resembles the larger society.
As a highly interested party, I would give you credit for at least recognising you own bias and limits, but also tell you very up front and direct that you should not under any circumstances be discussing this with the client. Given you opinion you are not even close to qualified in any way shape or form, and you run the risk of quite damaging behaviour. To even discuss this with her would be bordering on malicious. Refer her to someone that actually knows about and understands the issues - like an adoption authority or support group
You seem to be assuming, she has not already spoken with adoption authorities or support groups. Middle class people only come to me when they have exhausted those avenues. I will suggest she try them again, but based on my experience with such people I don’t think she will. If I turn her away, I will wonder that she will become the victim of someone else.
Not sure fortune tellers do referrals.
As opposed to a victim of you?
Quite simply, a parent, mom or dad is the person who does the raising, changes the diapers, is there for the first day of school, graduation and all of the myriad other milestones and memories of childhood.
Blood relationship has nothing whatsoever to do with this.
And the memories, and achievements of your client can never be taken away from here, they will always be there.
Its not impossible that for whatever reason, you client’s child will be lured by the excitement and “romance” of blood ties “calling out to her” but no matter what, your client is still the person that shaped her child into the person he or she is today. Even in the highly unlikely event that she is “abandoned” by the adopted child, she will still have her memories, and she will still be the single most important person in her child’s upbringing, that can never ever change.
I wonder if this says as much to others about your views on children and parenting as it does to me?
I hope you can find some measure of happiness in your life—Matthew
Hooooboy. That about explains it all, huh children?
[Mod Hat]Again, let’s please keep the personal barbs out of it.[/Mod Hat]
Two quick points from me, as a non-parent: a child who is adopted via international adoption (for example) is going to figure out at a fairly young age that he or she is adopted, so if the parents go by mom and dad, they are not rewriting history or being dishonest. Children who are adopted outside of their biological family but within their own group or culture might take longer to figure it out, but again, they probably stand a good chance of figuring it out, and I’m sure the vast majority of adoptive parents do tell the whole story sooner or later.
There are several different definitions to parenting and many adoptive parents make this clear. There are biological parents and there are caregivers. In my opinion it’s reasonable and normal that an adoptive parent would call himself a parent under that second definition.
Secondly, the typical family unit in our society still starts with mom and dad. In that light, why wouldn’t adoptive parents want to use those names?
Then you were wrong. Now you have been corrected.
Again, you are mistaken. The words refer to a social and legal role as well.
Cite that you’re either?
Since your colleagues are either crackpots or frauds, the ethical thing to do is to disassociate yourself from them. Certainly do not do your client the harm of advising her to waste money and time with assholes like this, who make false claims about reading the future and who hold maliciously stupid ideas about adoption.
Regards,
Shodan
Wait… wouldn’t a proponent of Zero Population Growth be *in favor *of adoption?