It’s also worth saying that if there is somebody in your daily life that you feel you can trust, such as a family member, friend, minister, coach, miscellaneous other, talking to them about these issue would be a very good idea.
Best wishes.
Fat Chance - while you are not technically going through a divorce, ending a ten year relationship whether it was a marriage or a living together situation, the emotional issues surrounding each are the same. Ending a significant relationship like that is not easy and creates a lot of self doubt. Trust me. Been there, done that.
After the end of my first marriage, I felt like a complete failure. I mean who can’t keep a relationship together, it shouldn’t be that hard. Talking to someone is very important to help you sort through all of the emotions you’re going through. The best advice I can give you is to DO THE WORK with your therapist. Try and be more self aware.
Trust me things will get better.
As a low-cost companion treatment - and please do get professional help - I really liked this book. Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom. I like this one a lot, but I will also say that I read many many many books related to happiness and so it is clear to me that everyone is helped in a different way.
This one isn’t bad, just a majorly different style. Mind Chi: Re-wire Your Brain in 8 Minutes a Day - Strategies for Success in Business and Life
At least until you can see a professional, here’s one thing that can help: try to get enough sleep (but not too much) and eat well.
I haven’t seen a therapist since my 4th grade teacher thought I was crazy (the diagnosis? over-active imagination), but I’ve had low-key depression and social anxiety most of my life. Drugs were a godsend, but they aren’t for everyone, or aren’t enough for everyone.
Good luck and hang in there.
In reading the OP, I realized I could’ve written it, with slight differences (I’ve been married 22 years, still going strong, which is probably the major difference)…otherwise it’s pretty much the way I feel most of the time. I’ve tried Cymbalta through my physician for the last month, and while the circumstances which trigger my bouts of depression haven’t changed (boredom with my job, etc.), I can sure as hell cope with things much better, and I’m not having suicidal thoughts any more.
I’m considering therapy of some kind, but haven’t taken that step yet. For now though, things are much better.
I say all that to tell Fat Chance there’s hope, even though I can’t give any better advice than has been given by others. So I’ll just be another in the line who says here’s hoping you do whatever’s necessary (and by that I mean treatment) to get better.
I just want to say that I really appreciate everyone’s great advice, and wonderful thoughts and encouragment. Hearing from all of you who have struggled and gotten better does give me some hope that I can feel better in the future. Thanks all.
Another book recommendation - check on Amazon or another bookseller for the Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Depression by William Knaus. Cognitive behavioral therapy is intended to help you break out of unproductive thought patterns and stop obsessing over things that aren’t helping.
That makes sense. It’s less than two weeks away. You can make it that long.
In the meantime, check to see if this therapist takes your insurance. If not, ask how much he/she charges for a session. Just so you know.
Don’t worry about laying out your entire life history just now. They’ll usually ask you what’s going on and why you’re there. Then they’ll ask probing questions to get to the key issues.
You haven’t mentioned this, but it’s come up with a lot of my friends who consider therapy: don’t be scared or intimidated about talking with a therapist. They’re there to help you, and they’ve heard worse than just about anything you can tell them.
And don’t ever think it’s hopeless or that you’ll always feel like this. What you have is treatable.
I like Feeling Good: the New Mood Therapy as a CBT introduction. That book was huge for me.
If you need to talk to someone in the short term, I’m sure the doctor you see for sinus infections and so on would be happy to talk to you. You wouldn’t be the first person to discuss things with them, I’m sure.
An update, just becuase I need to vent out, and where better than the magic of semi real interenet people.
I am waiting until next monday to make an appt. But I feel like I’ve gotten worse. I’m having border line panic attacks, and am sleeping maybe a couple of hours per night. This morning I almost didn’t even go to work. Not call in sick, just not go at all ever. I got myself up and there, and worked in a fog the best I could. I think I need to have a conversation with my boss and let her know the situation, re. the breakout up etc., as she must be wondering by now if hiring me 6 months ago was a mistake.
Tonight the ex told me she found an apartment and is moving out. While its what I need and want, it hurt so much just to hear it. Then I brought up the fact that we have a mortgage that is higher than the value of the house, and that its not fair for her to walk away and leave me with huge debts and a mortgage payment, while she goes on with her life, free. Its an odd thing to try to put a monetary value on a breakup. There is some dollar amount between what is truly fair, and what I’d take to just get on with my life, and I’m struggling to determine what that amount is. Either way, its a dollar amount she does not have to give me, and just knowing she’d have to ask her mother for the money makes me feel guilty, even though I know this wasn’t my decision or my fault. I can’t keep up with my own emotions, and I’m drowning in all of this.
I am waiting for those brighter days that must be out there waiting for me. They simply must be.
Thanks for listening to the tapping of my keyboard this night…
Just whatever you do, don’t become cynical…or if you do, don’t start formulating a rationale for it. Once you do that, there’s no going back: life really is a sucker’s game, and there’s no place for you but to cheat. That, trust me, is the end.
Funny you should say that, and it did indeed strike me. Since this has happened I have watched people who I thought were my friends abandon me to support her or just plain write me off. As if I were the bad guy, as if I did anything but be the same person I’ve always been - a pretty damn good person, in my eyes, as if she were the victim in all of this. And I started to grow angry and cynical. But, I have also found a few people in my life that I was merely friendly with, step up and offer me advice, a shoulder, a beer at the bar, and anything I need, most of all understanding and support. A few are making in thier driving goal to get me out and doing things, and including me and welcoming me into thier lives, like never before. Many have now hurt me, but I’m seeing the genuine good in some people as well, which I hope will lead me down the right attitude path, as you mention above.
So, good advice, and something I’ll strive to keep in mind - thanks.
You can make it through. I know it feels like it really sucks right now, but you can indeed get through this. Keep taking tiny steps. Making it to work today was a big deal, even if you weren’t up to snuff.
If she bought the home with you, if she’s on the mortgage, she’s still partially responsible for the payments even if she’s not living there. You’re going to have to deal with that issue at some point, but right now it’s more important to keep your head above water.
A few quick thoughts and I’ll try to touch base tomorrow.
When you feel the panic coming on, focus on your breathing. Breathe in for six-eight counts, hold for six-eight, breathe out for six-eight. This draws your attention away from your thoughts to counting beats. It slows down your heart and your resps. It calms down your system and your mind.
If you have to do this at work, go ahead. I do!
Do try to get exercise. This may help you sleep. Don’t drink to help you sleep. Maybe a nice hot shower before bed and then the AC cranked down to lower your body temp. Try to make the room as dark as you can get it.
The psychiatrists that I have known consider themselves to be therapists also. Therapy doesn’t have to refer to counselling, but I can’t imagine a good psychiatrist who would prescribe medicine without at least some occasional talk sessions.
Psychologists don’t usually treat severe mental illnesses. Those are usually handled by a physician (psychiatrist). They can help with some cases of depression, however. Many psychologists work with a psychiatrist or in the office with several psychiatrists.
As I was reading the description of what you are going through, Fat Chance, I was thinking that most people would be feeling down in your situation. I strongly recommend a therapist who uses Cognative Behavior Therapy. (You can always ask when you make the appointment.) This kind of therapy focuses most on the present and how to take control of your life in emotionally intelligent ways. (I am not a therapist and this is a totally non-professional opinion.)
You really are going to be okay. You are absolutely doing the right thing to ask for help. Don’t put it off. Just take it one step at a time.
I am another of the lucky ones that medication helped. It is definitely not a scam. I’m sorry that they haven’t developed ways of helping everyone yet.
Some people who take anti-depressants commit suicide. I have no doubt that there would be many more who would take their own lives if they didn’t have the anti-depressants.
Another thing to remember, I think - and this is from someone who’s been going thru it for a long time, with lots of missed opportunities, so YMMMDV - is that sometimes it’s going to have to get worse to get better, and sometimes you may actually have to make it worse to make it better. You kind of have to be open to hurting, and not knowing what to do about it, and coming back for more. That’s where that support network comes in, I suppose.
Hang in there, it’s only a couple of days until the office opens. I think you can make it. But remember if it gets really worse over the next few days you can stop by the hospital. It’s OK, that’s what they’re there for.
Okay…I’m going to add a dissenting voice to the med issue.
This because I’m either on a working med regimen or I want to die. So, while I think it’s best that you try to taper off after a year or two on meds, there are some of us who either take them or turn into insane, snarly, evil, suicidal zombielike creatures.
I like leaving my superbitch suit on the hangar, in the closet. I also like not carving myself up for stress relief, or assesing every overpass I drive over as to whether the fall distance would kill me instantly or not.
I like not destroying my relationship or blowing my brains out. I like having a job. I like not binge-eating myself to over 300 pounds. I like being able to shower, exercise, clean up after myself.
BTW, the best way to get me to take said superbitch suit out of the closet is to accuse me of being a dope fiend:mad: I have a malfunctioning major organ, and I take meds to keep it in some semblance of order, alright?
Diabetics don’t get to hear: it’s all in your pancreas! that insulin you shoot up is just a crutch.
Anyway-
My suggestion: meds and therapy together. Tell the psychiatrist that you expect that the meds will probably be discontinued in the future, and you would therefore like to be put on something that’s easier to withdraw from, and the minimum effective dose.
I personally was taken off of the zoloft I was being prescribed through a regular MD, and because he was unfamiliar with psych meds, he made me withdraw for a full two weeks before starting the replacement. It was unpleasant, but tolerable-I continued to go to work.
LCSW or psychologist doesn’t matter, what matters is competence and whether that person’s working style is a good fit for you.
Other advice: start working out ASAP-cardio, weights, whatever, just move your butt. If there are any groups of people at your job who get together and work out that would be great-you need socialization, too. Or tennis, raquetball, basketball games?
Any more than small amounts of sugar and simple carbs are not your friends. Omega 3 fatty acids are. Eat your vegetables, eat your fruits, eat a baked potato, throw flaxseed meal on your breakfast cereal. Take a once-daily vitamin.
The better your body works, the better your brain works.
I was thinking about having written this today after lurking in some of the therapist/mental health threads that are going on right now, and guess I wanted to provide anyone that cares an update.
I wrote this in Sept 2010. I put off getting help. I don’t even remember why. She moved out and the empty house was horrible. Then I ended up getting lyme disease and spent a month laying on my couch in physical and mental misery. I missed a great deal of work. Even if I was sitting at my desk. My drinking increased tremendously, until I was drunk more than I was sober. Finally in February, very drunk and very late one night I finally got really really scared. I felt, if I wasn’ at the bottom, I was awfully close, and was just truly just killing myself through alcohol and having given up. I made a deal with myself - go see someone, as a last resort. If it works, great. If not, I’ll just drink myself to death and quiet the noise finally.
So I finally got help. Went to a therapist, who after hearing my history actually recomended thinking about meds. He thought that a combination of talk and meds would be best for me.
Fast forward to today. I’m on wellbutrin, now going every other week to therapy instead of weekly. I feel a way that I’ve never felt and never thought was possible before. I now know what the word hope means. My obsessive negative thoughts are mostly under control and my drinking radically decreased. I enjoy life for the first time in my 33 years. Its still a struggle at times, but I now feel like I’ll make it and even want to. My precsribing doctor said something to me at the last appt, “Isn’t it great to feel normal again?” I wouldn’t know. This isn’t normal, this never was. I never knew this kind of normal.
From a meds perspective, it works fantastic for me. I’ve had no side effects at all except for losing some weight from a curbed appetite (no complaints with that!). My therapist is great, and the tools, insight and advice he helps me with have made me see things in a new light.
So, thanks to all of you - your encouragement helped, even if it took me a while to finally act. And to anyone else out there who is struggling, I’ll just repeat one of the first things my therapist ever said to me - “You can be happy. You will feel better. This can be conquered”
That’s awesome, Fat Chance. I’m glad you’re feeling better. Thank you for posting this.