Of recent months, I have been dabbling in the dating pool once again, and a certain dating site has been the reason. However, I am finding a bit of a problem. Most everyone that I am interested in, or who is interested in me, is already seeing someone, or more than one someone. This is not a problem for them, exactly, as the people for whom the interest is mutual (three at the moment) are all polyamorous.
I have never actually been polyamorous myself. I have been in a long-distance relationship with someone who was polyamorous and living with his other lover. I had the option to date other people, but didn’t during that time as I didn’t meet anyone I wanted to go out with. I also had a fling with a crazy couple who wanted me to move in with them, but their relationship with each other was so bad that I wouldn’t have felt right being their long-term third, even if I had been interested.
I’m not against polyamory. I’m sort of agnostic about monogamy vs. polyamory; I don’t think you can say for sure what will work for everyone based on your own experience. It’s something that everyone has to figure out for themselves. I’ve never really “done” polyamory, though.
There’s nothing keeping me from dating any or all of these three people but my doubts and worries and my past monogamy-by-default. Their other partners all know and are fine with me dating their partners. I have been advised to read The Ethical Slut so I plan on doing that, and I’ve been examining on my own for quite some time just what it is that I really want from any relationship.
Any poly Dopers want to share their experiences or give any tips on how to better handle (possible, at this point) polyamory for a novice?
For my wife and I, it all boils down to the fact that we’re not hardwired to care about just one person–I in particular have an almost nonexistent threshold between where “friend” ends and “potential life partner” begins. The biggest issues have always come down to communication (open and clear about desires, hangups, problems, etc) and jealousy (if you’re jealous, you might want to step back and re-evaluate–but often it signifies a need for communication about what the person you’re jealous of is getting that you think you want or need more. In particular, one of my wife’s little romances was with a good friend and carried out in front of me, and it left me VERY jealous until I realized that what I was seeing was that new-relationship spark and by definition my wife of two years couldn’t give that novelty to me, so I shouldn’t worry about it–and the jealousy evaporated like poof.)
Basically, the rule is “do what’s comfortable for you and your partner(s).” Not everyone can handle polyamory or any of it’s variants (multiple marriages on one end, swinging freely on the other), but that’s not indicative of any faults any more than a preference for peppers over broccoli.
The single most important area of communication, though, is about expectations and needs–the word “polyamory” covers a LOT of ground, and you don’t want to get into a relationship where they think you’re sex on the side and you think you’re joining a multiply equal partnership, for example.
I would advise looking for an existing poly couple that meets all your criteria and is in the sort of relationship you want to have – for example, if you like your space and aren’t the huggy-feely type, don’t get involved with a couple who do everything together and can’t be apart for more than 30 seconds at a time. Look at what they have and decide if it would work for you. It’s a lot easier to judge something when you can see it.
Remember: it’s not all about the sex. A lot – A LOT – of people out there claiming to be poly are simply trying to better their chances at scoring, or worse, claim to be poly themselves and live that way but will go psycho the minute they find out you’re seeing someone else. You don’t need that drama (or heartache).
Follow the rules! Set up rules for yourself – what you’re willing to tolerate, what you’re not willing to tolerate, and what you might consider under the right circumstances. Do not deviate from them! If you find you need to change a rule, that’s fine, but do so when you’re clear-headed, not buzzed on alchohol, romantic thoughts, or lust.
It’s not all about the sex. Okay, I know I already mentioned it, but it bears repeating. If you show up and are immediately shown the bedroom, I hope that’s all you’re looking for (and have fun!), but don’t kid yourself that you’ll ever have a deeper connection. Most poly couples I know (vs swingers) want relationships rather than fuck-buddies. If all you want is FWBs who happen to be in other relationships, then go to town. Otherwise, treat it like you’re dating the other person, rather than just arranging trysts.
Zeriel’s right on the money, especially about communication. My wife and I have several regular couples as friends; in three of those cases, the women have openly expressed jealousy (to my wife) about her ‘freedom’; the guys regularly give me crap about how ‘my wife would never let ME do that!’ All of them have asked how we do it – “Doesn’t s/he get jealous?”
Well, no. She doesn’t. I don’t. Why? Because we COMMUNICATE, dammit! We’ve set up ground rules about what’s acceptable and what is not, and we stick to them. We let each other know what’s going on. Hell, half the time, we’re checking out the same person.
Anyway, my point is, communication and trust are key. And it’s hard to build those from any sort of dating site, in my opinion.
What I’m getting at, I guess, is this: don’t be too eager to jump into the pool. Dip your toes a few times first.
I have two big rules already. I am not interested in dating both halves of an established couple. If I should meet an established couple so great I simply must have both of them, I am fully prepared to eat my words (and my hat), but I do not see that happening. I am also not interested in casual flings. I want a relationship; that relationship just may not be the only one I have at once. The three people in question know these things, as I’ve made them as clear as possible.
Only if you don’t believe that you can commit to more than one person at a time. You can love more than one sibling at a time; why not more than one spouse?
Of all the wise words in this thread, I’d like to kudos, support, and ditto these. This exact issue is why I’m not poly anymore. Well, haven’t been in a poly relationship since. Situations, yes. Relationships, no.
I thought we were shaping up for a three way marriage, She had a sex toy that kept the kitchen clean. He lost his best friend over it.
Totally off topic, but this give me a picture of a household appliance with which we could make millions. The dildo-vac, maybe. Maybe a line of attachments for the Rabbit: scouring pads, sponges, cleaning brushes.
A lot – A LOT – of people out there claiming to be poly are simply trying to better their chances at scoring, or worse, claim to be poly themselves and live that way but will go psycho the minute they find out you’re seeing someone else. You don’t need that drama (or heartache).