I have a coworker whom I will call M. She and I live in the same town and her daughter is a good friend of my youngest sister.
M’s daughter is 18 and just graduated from high school. She still lives with her mother, however. A few months ago, the daughter had some kind of psychological break down. She was on drugs, meth among others, and spent some time in a psychiatric hospital and in rehab. I know all about this from my sister.
I don’t know M very well. A friend of mine, H, knows her better than I do, and in fact, M told her all about her daughter’s problems. M probably realizes that I know about those problems, since she knows that my sister and the daughter are friends. H told me a few days ago that M is very worried about her daughter relapsing and getting back with the boyfriend with whom she got involved in drugs with and starting with the meth again.
A few days prior to H telling me this, my sister had told me that M’s daughter had indeed gone back to the boyfriend, and that when she saw her last, she had been taking meth again.
Since H told me of M’s concerns, I feel torn between minding my own business and telling M. I know that if I had a daughter in this situation, I would want to know. But, I don’t know if she’d be embarrassed hearing it from a coworker that she doesn’t know very well. However, it is almost certain that she realizes that I know all about it anyway. I asked H’s opinion, and she thinks I should tell her.
So should I?
M’s daughter is not skipping school, or staying out late. She’s playing with serious drugs. How would you feel if this kid O.D.'d? I can understand your reluctance in this matter, but it seems to me that this girl needs some serious guidance before something worse happens. Minding your own business, while safe, may not be the best thing to do. You said yourself that you’d want to know, as would any other decent parent. I think she’d rather be embarrassed (which I doubt she would) than a grieving Mother at her funeral.
Tell her. All you have to do is say, “M, my sister tells me that you are having problems with your daughter. If there is anything I can do, please let me know.”
It’s polite without being nosy, and it shows concern. She may be waiting for you to bring it up. It sounds as if she is UberStressed, and may need someone to talk to about all this.
Sometimes, just knowing that someone else knows the kind of hell you are going through can mean an awful lot, even if you never talk to them.
I’m going to beg to differ here. Telling M that you have reason to believe that her daughter is back into drugs/evil boyfriend etc is not going to have an impact on the DAUGHTER playing with drugs/boyfriend etc. As you say, she is 18, and her mothers’ awareness of the situation is neither here nor there.
What do you hope to achieve by telling M? And given that the kid still lives with M, she (M) is probably acutely aware of what her daughter is getting up to anyway, regardless of your involvement.
Hang on a tick, why doesn’t H tell her if she is the closer friend? Something is not quite right here…
If H is M’s friend, why doesn’t H tell M ? Then it will be coming from a friend who was ‘in the loop’ and not from a coworker who is a little removed from the situation.
Damn you Kambuckta what did you offer the hamster to slip in front of me ?
You Goo transported your thought to me (see how mine was almost an afterthought??) I picked up the ‘H is the one’ vibes and channelled them into my post.
It’s telepathy that’s what it is.
Either that or you’re just too slow (bugger, where’s the smilies gone then eh?)
[insert smug, self satisfied smilie HERE!]
Don’t assume that if the daughter is living at home, that her mom necessarily knows what she is up to. A good friend of mine, whose mother is a social worker specializing in the treatment of troubled adolescents, says there were entire months of his life that he doesn’t remember at all because of how drugged he was. His mom never had a clue.
I think you need to make sure the mom knows what’s going on; whether you do it directly or not is up to you. This could easily be a life or death situaiton.
Don’t assume that if the daughter is living at home, that her mom necessarily knows what she is up to. A good friend of mine, whose mother is a social worker specializing in the treatment of troubled adolescents, says there were entire months of his life that he doesn’t remember at all because of how drugged he was. His mom never had a clue.
I think you need to make sure the mom knows what’s going on; whether you do it directly or not is up to you. This could easily be a life or death situaiton.
Thanks for your replies…I think I’ll give it some thought tonight and discuss it with H a bit more and see if she’d be willing to break the news. Thanks again.