:eek: Geez, Johnathan, you seem like such a good family man…
If caught by the police in a lonely spot taking part in an overly intimate activity in an automobile, and they ask, “What’re you doing in there?” Resist the urge to come up with a clever comeback.
Trust me, they have ways of making an already embarrassing experience even more emarrassing.
If you are about to have sex with somebody for the first time and it suddenly becomes apparent that they are a delusional, manipulative nut job, do not go ahead and have sex with them anyway.
There isn’t any generous, wise, gracious, understanding, way to respond to impotence. Everything you say or do will make the situation worse.
And on a slightly lighter note:
If you are a 300-pound male, it’s a bad idea to vault into bed on top of a heterosexual couple because you want to have sex with the guy. (Yes, this HAS happened to me. Don’t ask.)
Never have sex with a guy with a nose-ring while you’re wearing fishnet thigh-highs.
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“Course we can. It will be ages before they get back”. No, it won’t.
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Sensuous massage with scented body oil. Put the lid back on the bottle before you knock it over on to the rug. The very expensive, irreplaceable rug. In the guest room. That you’re in.
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Stimulation by hand, nice! Long fingernails, nice! Both together… potentially very not-nice. Take care or trim.
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“Course we can. We’re in the middle of nowhere and there’s no-one for miles around”. Yes, there is.
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Ladies! The Top Ten Turn-Ons Of All Time will never include souvenir bits of toilet tissue from your last tidy-up dab.
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Gentlemen! To quote my all-time favourite piece of print advertising, a corn field is not the only place where stubble burns. 2 extra minutes making sure you shaved real close and smooth pays off for her. Which in turn will pay off for you.
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On the whole, if you guess that cactus plants near the bed are risky, you guess right.
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It is not actually that easy to irrevocably destroy a polaroiod. Worth bearing in mind before you create 40 obscene ones.
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Chocolate sauce. Yes, I know it seems like a fun idea at the time. Isn’t.
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“Course we can, they’re all asleep and we won’t make much noise anyway”. They aren’t. You will.
Don’t have sex on a throw rug on a freshly waxed wooden floor, especially if the rug does not have a rubber backing. You’ll be going at it until you hear the THUD of her head as it hits a wall. Very romantic. Plus you get rug burns on your knees.
“Unnh!!”
“What, honey? You having an orgasm?”
“Orgasm?! I think I’m having an anuerysm!!”
Sua
If you are in a threesome with another male and another female, and you go into sensory overload, generally they do not mind, as this is sorta the point (in a way . . . bear with me:)).
Generally they will tell you if they do mind.
Open relationships can be very fun things.
And just for SPOOFE: Condom: Good idea. Toothpaste: Bad idea.
[sub]Why, no, I don’t know any of these from experience.
If you’re slowly working your way down and notice an “odd” smell when you reach the belly button, don’t go any lower. (One reason why you should always go “head to toe” and not “toe to head”.)
After pulling out and leaving a mess on your partners belly, DO NOT relax and lay on top of her for any appreciable length of time. If you plan on laying on her for a while, have a crowbard handy.
And a note for the females: Sex can last alot longer if you avoid fellating your partner for five minutes before jumping on. Either don’t stay down there so long, or finish the damn job! (Sorry, that just frustrates me)
Dammit, that’d be a CROWBAR, of course.
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Even if the old farmhouse is deserted, and you can tell it’s deserted because it has a chain across the drive and a “No Trespassing” sign (scrawled in red paint on a piece of plywood, no less), it is still probably NOT a good idea to sneak on up and have car-sex under the apple tree.
Unless you don’t mind an irate farmer pulling your naked bod out of the car at shotgun point, I mean.
I’m speculating, of course.
~karol