So I have lived in my apartment complex for 2.5 years and just moved from a one bedroom to a two bedroom. We moved above this woman who we initially pissed off the first day we moved in because we were “moving too loudly”. So, I tried to resolve the situation by going to a local bakery and bringing her a dessert. She took the dessert and said everything was now okay. A week passed and everything was fine until our lanlord knocked on our door and told us there was a very faint scratching sound downstairs that our neighbor was complaining about. My landlord said she heard the sound herself, but when we went downstairs to listen it mysteriously stopped. I went into the office the next day and asked my lanlord what I could do to resolve this issue and she told me there was nothing that could be done because she didn’t know where the sound was coming from and according to my neighbor it happens 24/7. So, it couldn’t possibly be us because we can’t be making a sound 24/7.
I decided to try to make peace, once again, so I went downstairs while she was out one night and tried to talk to her (she speaks little English so there are communication barriers). I spoke into the translate feature on my phone and said “teach me Italian words so I can talk with you”. So, I sat with her for 45 minutes and she told me about her hometown in Venezuela and how shes traveled and the other side of her family is in Italy where she lived for years and how America is so much different. I was genuinely interested in learning about her culture, so much so that I went home and looked up the conditions of Venezuela and felt very bad for what family she still has there.
Then a couple of days later she comes upstairs to tell us that our sink is overflowing hers. The maintinence man came over and told us the drain needed to be snaked all the way from the roof. The plumber came and told us that we just had to be careful and to not handwash our dishes and run our dishwasher at the same time because previous tennants put grease in the drain and it caused major problems that snaking could no longer fix.
So, we adjusted our lives to accompany this request.
A week or so later I come home to find my roommate sitting on the stairs talking with our downstairs neighbor and another neighbor of ours who lives on the other end of the complex. My downstairs neighbor was asking us if we could help the other neighbor (her friend) by bringing her dog into the vet. Apparently the dog got into some fertilizer and needed to go to the emergency vet. Neither my downstairs neighbor nor the other neighbor have cars, so they asked my roommate to drive her and the dog to the emergency vet which is 45 minutes away. My roommate happily helped her with her dog and even sat with her for an hour until she told her that her son was on the way.
A few more weeks go by and yesterday our lanlord was back at our door telling us that our showering in the evening and running the dishwasher at night are bothering her downstairs. I work from home and my roommate works nights at a resturaunt so when she gets off work she likes to come home and take a shower. And while we don’t regularly run our dishwasher late at night, that particular night we needed to because we were out of coffee cups. I stayed silent but my roommate told her that was a ridiculous request and that she was going to keep living life like normal. My lanlord said that 90% of the population is on a “day schedule” so we need to be considerate of her downstairs because all that separates our dishwasher from downstairs are a few boards so its easy for her to hear. I was so confused by this because I thought we had the right to run our dishwasher and shower when we want because it is our home, we pay rent on time, we keep our home clean, and we keep to ourselves. Additionally, her bedroom is on the opposite side of the apartment from the dishwasher. We have had 3 previous neighbors in this complex, not to mention neighbors at previous complexes and I have never recieved a complaint before. We do not party, we rarely have people over. In fact, my mother came over a couple of weeks ago and she has a service dog who accompanies her everywhere. I shared the situation with her and she took it upon herself to notify the woman downstairs that she would be here with her large dog and that if we bothered her in any way she could come knock on the door and let us know.
This woman is really starting to effect my daily life and I simply and unsure what to do. I called code enforcement for the city reguarding the shower as well as the dishwasher and they said “A reasonable person would not make such complaints”.
Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to deal with this situation? I have been nothing but kind to this woman, but I am starting to resent her. It is really starting to effect my daily life and I am starting to feel very uncomfortable in my own neighborhood and home. I don’t want to feel this way every day. I try to walk quietly, close doors quietly, yell at my dogs the second the bark…it’s becoming unbearable and making even the simplist of daily activities stressful.
Moderator Action
Welcome to the Straight Dope Message Board.
Advice questions belong in our In My Humble Opinion forum. I will move this thread for you.
Moving thread from GQ to IMHO.
Don’t stop being kind. I mean, don’t start being UNkind. That is the most important thing of all. Being unkind may backfire, and can’t help. No matter what advice you follow on other things, never ever neglect this one.
It is not unkind to find ways to get the unreasonable complaints stopped. And they are unreasonable, and they need to stop. Just never by you being mean about anything.
Well, walking on eggshells is no way to live.
How long has this downstairs neighbor lived in the complex? It sounds like she’s such a PITA, the management has decided it’s easier to appease her than to tell her to knock it off, especially with the language barrier. If that approach is driving off good tenants, though, it’s not too smart.
First, check your lease. Are there quiet hours for your complex/building? In mine, we can’t run dishwashers, washers, or dryers during the 10 pm to 6 am quiet hours. (Showers are OK, though, and it’s silly for your manager to say they’re not unless your roomie is singing Rigoletto loudly and off-key.) In any case, I’d avoid running the dishwasher at night. If you’re out of coffee cups, wash by hand.
Second, speak up. YOU can’t be the buffer that makes the situation work. Pass along the pain to management. Have a sit-down with them. Point out that good tenants who pay their rent on time, work hard to get along with neighbors, and keep a place clean are golden. They don’t want to lose you. Remind them there were no prior complaints before you moved. They may have to check out her complaints, but that doesn’t mean you always have to tiptoe around those gripes. If you’re doing things within your rights to do, like showering at night, point that out to the management and keep doing those things.
If your neighbor craves attention, maybe she’d be happier living someplace where there are lots of activities for tenants. But if she won’t move, you may have to. And really, it doesn’t sound like your building is that great. Those soft, scratching sounds are probably mice. And pipes that have been ruined by former tenants’ grease need to be replaced.
This is good advice. You don’t sound like the kind of person who could or would be unkind, though, and kudos to you for being so caring toward this neighbor. I found long ago I lack the grit to be aggressive or strident, but that being kindly, warmly, compassionately assertive works pretty well.
Best of luck to you and your roommate.
Your neighbor sounds like the complex complainer. Go about your business, observe any quiet times (If any). And ignore her. If the problems she’s having are maintenance issues that is the problem of the management not you. Good luck.
In apartments, I think you shouldn’t make noise at night. Some people are very sensitive to noise, or are easily awaken and so on. Maybe there aren’t hard rules about it (local regulations, lease rules…) but IMHO it’s common courtesy and the price you have to pay when you’re living in a collective building/in a city. So, I would never use a dishwasher at night (especially since you don’t need to run it just because you don’t have any cup left).
Doesn’t mean that you have to submit to every single demand from an irate neighbor. Having to cope with your neighbor’s (reasonable) noise is also a price you pay for living in a collective building/in a city.
The problem seems to be that ignoring the neighbor isn’t really an option, as the neighbor tends to relay her dissatisfaction through the landlord. who it’s not really a good idea to ignore.
Weeeellllll…
About 12 years ago I had a downstairs neighbor at an apartment complaining to management because I got up and ran water in the kitchen sink for about 5 seconds after 11pm because I wanted some water.
My response was to ask if this was a reasonable complaint and inform them that I would not be prevented from such minor things by a whining neighbor. After all, how loud is water running into a glass, from outside my apartment? The manager backed down and after another complaint (which was about my neighbor, but they accused me), those neighbors were moved to the other side of the complex.
Had a downstairs neighbor in this apartment about five years ago go off because I dropped my watering can and about 3 ounces of water fell on their deck. My response again was that they could fuck right off, this is not a reasonable complaint. Their deck gets wet in the rain.
There really is a certain point where you have to go “really???” to your landlord, blow it off and walk away.
“We can evict you for these complaints”
“Do you believe defending these petty complaints in court will work for you?”
My friend lives in an apartment and above her are a couple with a ‘special case’ kid who runs. Runs runs runs runs runs back and forth for hours at a time. Thump thump thump thump. Thud thud thud thud. Run run run. She has complained and complained and tried talking to them, and to the management, and it goes on and on after a short respite. The management suggested she call the police and make a complaint if there’s running at night! Well… There are quiet times to be observed, so there is a little relief after 10 p.m. Pictures have fallen off her wall. Dishes rattle in the cupboard. I tell her, maybe it will go to school somewhere in the fall and at least SHE isn’t as unfortunate as the parents.
Unless there is a rule in the lease about running the dishwasher or showering after a certain time there is nothing the landlord or manager can do. And dish water that drains into the downstairs sink is a definite maintenance problem.
There is a core issue here, which we are powerless to solve for you: You’re nice. You’re so nice, even when you’re doing nothing wrong, you can’t take it, because a clearly unreasonable person is grumpy about something you’re doing, and it’s not wrong what you’re doing, but you got this lady who’s complaining.
So, you try to change her behavior. You try to be – ahem – reasonable (even though you already were reasonable!)
You know darn well you’re doing nothing wrong, and you know the property manager/landlord/whatever is probably wise to that.
You can’t make her happy. Landlord will see through her. You know that. You just can’t deal with her being that way, and you make it bother you.
The real issue is: How do you thicken your own skin? I see people with this issue all the time. It’s a tough one!
Don’t stop what you’re doing, but keep thinking about the feedback here, so maybe you feel better about toughening up.
.
This is exactly why I live in the woods with no neighbors. I hate this kinda crap. You, OP, are in the right here. It’s no use trying to please this woman, it’s never gonna work. Tell your landlord/mgmt that you are done trying. He needs to handle it. Follow your lease and any rules and ignore her. Don’t talk to her, don’t help her. IMO it’s the only way to proceed.
Welcome to shared wall living. You can’t control who lives on the other side and neither can they. It sounds like both of you would be better off living somewhere else.
I used to have an upstairs neighbor I nicknamed “Thumpy.” Late at night, loud thumping noises up there. I finally went up to complain, and lo and behold, he had a group of folks up there taking turns bouncing around on a huge rubber ball. (Is this some kind of therapy or something?). I am not making this up. Urban apartment dwelling is not for the faint of heart. Unfortunately, not all of us can afford to move to the middle of the woods…
I’ve had a somewhat similar situation and I told myself that I wouldn’t change the way I live to accommodate their kooky complaints, but they get in your head and you find yourself literally tiptoeing around without even realizing it.
It feels like failing, but you should really consider moving. Things won’t get better. And when you move, it’ll be like getting out of prison. Trust me.
I don’t understand how your neighbor thinks she can live in an apartment with people all around her and never hear anything. That’s unreasonable. From what you describe of your life she isn’t going to get much better neighbors than you.
I think your problem might not just be the neighbor, but the landlord as well. The landlord is enabling this woman. I don’t expect things will get any better until someone puts their foot down and politely declines to care about her complaints.
Honestly before things get worse I’d look for another place to live.
Or, call the management company. It should be on your lease, who they are. If the landlord won’t shut her up, that is. You have rights too. Exercise them.