I am 47 and my wife is 40; we have a 4 month old son. We have wanted a baby all along; circumstances dictated that it didn’t happen for us until now. Our son is a perfectly healthy, happy little boy.
My only advice is to do what you really want to do, in consultation with your doctors.
samclem said what I was going to say. I myself am 40 and my wife 37 and we have three kids (7, 5, 3), and the fourth is on its way it seems. If you can have I child and you want to have a child, don’t wait, just do it. As he said, you won’t regret it.
Do you have anything to base this on? My parents had me later in life and we have an excellent relationship; many other people in this thread seem to feel the same way.
I had my kids at 35 and 37, and I’m glad I waited- I’m more mature, experienced, and stable and am certain I’m a better parent now than I would have been in my 20’s.
My oldest pregnant patients at work have been in their early 50’s.
I don’t believe I personally would like to wait that long, tho’.
I am the product of parents who were 40 (Mom) and 51 (Dad) when I was born. I am the youngest of six (with 20 years between the oldest and me), so I had older sibs to help Mom out, and I don’t know if the “Been there, done that, could do it with one hand tied behind my back” aspect of parenting the sixth child outweighed “Holy shit! I’m old and tired, and here comes another one!”
My one and only son was born when I was 37 and his father was 50. I was not (and still am not) the kind of person who always wants to hold someone else’s baby. I felt like my biological clock was ticking, not that I was missing out on the experience of having a cuddly little bundle of joy. I had a few pregnancy complications (fibroids) that I probably wouldn’t have had if I’d gotten pregnant in my 20s. But my son is a happy (mostly – he’s 14, after all!) and healthy.
When I was a kid, it never struck me that my parents were particularly older than my classmates’ parents. I mean, when you’re a kid, you’re parents are just OLD. It goes with the job.
Am I less energetic than a lot of younger parents? Without a doubt. Am I more patient and thoughtful and appreciative than I might have been when I was younger? Without a doubt.
I heartily concur with everyone else who has said “If you want a kid, go for it.” I recommend that your wife look for an ob-gyn experienced with patients of “advanced maternal age.” (Gotta love that phrase!)
Best of luck to you, whatever you decide!
P.S. If you do have a baby, be prepared to get lots of compliments on your “grandchild.” 
I myself was an “elderly primapara” (old to be giving birth for the first time) of 37. I sneaked a look at my chart in the examining room, and that’s what it said! I had no big problems with the pregnancy (though there were some questions about genetic disorders, but everything turned out fine). I was a nervous mom, though, lived out in the middle of nowhere, had no friends or relatives with babies around, and relied on Dr. Spock and such. It was a LOT of work, a LOT of worry, but a LOT of joy, too. Energy? Never had much to begin with, but I got through a lot on sheer adrenalin. A swing set, play dates, and outside activities kept the kid busy enough. I knew my life was going to change, but not how much! Now I have a beautiful smart 22 year old college grad. I don’t know about her, but sometimes I feel like we are more sisters than parent and child, and it was that way from the start…If you are prepared to have your lives changed in a big way, and you really really want to be a parent, then do it. Women everywhere are having babies later in life. I worked with a woman who had been married 25 years and just assumed she was infertile. She and her husband travelled, spent time on their boat, lived a happy life. At age 45 she all of a sudden got pregnant and had a healthy baby girl. AND at age 47 - she got pregnant and had a healthy baby boy! This couple were somewhat gobsmacked, but they picked up the ball and ran with it, and last I heard, they were one big very happy family. (She said the only thing she was worried about was how their dog babies would feel about the human babies, and last I heard - one big very happy family of children and dogs.)
I went to high school with a guy (he was in ‘our group’) whose mother this happened to: early on, in his parents’ marriage, his mother was told she’d never have a baby of her own. So they adopted Richard (my friend). When she was 43, she started missing periods, putting on weight, was irritable, moody, etc. She was sure it was menopause, rearing it’s ugly head. Finally, after some months of dieting, and unable to shed the excess weight, she went to see her doctor. “You’re pregnant” he said. “But, I can’t get pregnant”, she replied. “Well, apparently you can now”, he said.
By that point, she was six months along! They didn’t have much time to prepare for a baby. But they had a strong, healthy son. A baby brother for my friend Richard.
The age range in my first time Mother’s Group is 22 - 42, with only 1 under the age of 34, all planning on trying for a number 2 at some point. So I don’t think it’s uncommon to have kids a little older, for all the reasons you mention. Yep, be aware that the incidence of birth defects increases with age (of both mum and dad), but that’s from a small risk to a slightly larger risk depending on your genetics. Don’t let that be the thing that stops you.
But I’d consider again your attitude to kids - interesting reading your first para, that when you see a lot of people you first consider overpopulation - many people may just think it’s a pain that other people are where they are right now. It’s a huge change to your life (my baby’s only 5 months and already I get that!), and you need to be prepared to give up some things, and put the baby first.
If you’re happy to do that, I don’t think any consideration of age at this point should stop you.
I will add this: with my first two kids (I was 25 when the first one came, 29 for the second one), I had more energy. But with my third (38 when she was born) I have more patience.
Just FWIW.
Actually, a significant amount of parents do regret having kids. I think the most germane point in this whole decision is how much the OP and his wife want to have a baby - if they’re sort of deciding to have a baby because, hey, why not? I think it would be a terrible mistake.
Have a baby if you want to have a baby. Yes, the risks are higher, but the odds are still way in your favor, by very far. You talk about parenting a teenager when you’re in your fifties. At least at that age you’ve had some experience and it might be a bit easier to step back and let the phase pass. Every kid and every parent is different, sometimes from week to week.
That said, my youngest turned 20 and I hit 54 last year. I didn’t notice anything that significantly different about her teens from her older brother’s eight years prior. As I said, they’re all different anyway.
My parents were very nearly 36 and 51 when I was born, and then my little brother came along 2 1/2 years later. When I was 8 I thought they were OLD. When I was 16 I thought they were awful. When I was 21 I thought they were okay. And when I was 25 I thought they were a couple of my best friends. Fortunately they both stuck around long enough to see all my kids and get me well launched.
Only you know what’s in your heart. Go with that.
Cite? I come from a shitty family with a host of mental, monetary, emotional etc. issues. Most of my friends come from similar backgrounds. A number of us had their first child at around 40 - some have said they never wanted kids until they really had to choose due to aging. Most of us parents have it tough, in many ways: I personally hate the lack of sleep and the lack of free, quiet time for myself. Yet I’ve never heard or felt that any of us dozens of parents had ever regretted having children. Having kids is tough, but the thought of not having them once one does just doesn’t enter the mind, on a serious level. The life before and after children are two deeply different things. What was most important before pales in comparison.
For a middle-aged person contemplating having a child, I’d say it’s vastly more likely she will sorely regret not having one when she had the chance than end up regretting reproducing.
It’s a self-selected response, but Ann Landers asked her readers whether they would have children again if they could do it all over again, and 70% said no. (Google reference to her explanatory column.) So there is - or was - obviously a fair amount of wishing for something different. I’ve been searching for other cites but they all focus on those who don’t have children; the Landers poll was very popular and thus shows up strongly.
I don’t have children but I advocate strongly that if you’re thinking of having children, that you really are pretty sure that you want them, rather than being scared of approaching age or other factors.
I frankly do not believe that figure. I’m sure that there are some parents who regret having children, but I’ve never met any.
I have met parents who regret having children, even if they don’t regret their children, if that makes sense. Meaning they love the people their children have grown up to be but if they could do it again, wouldn’t. Is that really so shocking that we need a cite for it?
SunSandSuffering I really see nothing in your OP that indicates you want a child except for a bit about a “nagging voice” and that you’d be OK with one coming now.
I would never ever recommend children to people who are unsure. That’s a 20 year (and more) responsibility. And what happens if your child is born disabled or something? Can you deal with that?
I think you are at the upper cusp of having children. 5 more years and I would have said it’s not a good idea. As it is you will be almost 60 when they get out of HS. No big deal, just make sure you are prepared for that, and to help pay for all of the things they need for the next 20 years.
Having children should not be a small decision. Don’t do it if you just think “it’s the time” or “before it’s too late”. That’s not very fair to the kids.
Good luck.
I don’t think I ever have or ever will meet a parent who admits that they regret having children, but I don’t for a second think that they don’t exist. In the Cult of the Child world we live in, no one is likely to admit their deep, dark secret to anyone else. I think the 70% figure is high, too, but I think there are a significant amount of people who regret having kids. My point was simply that saying you won’t regret having kids is simplistic and possibly wrong; it’s entirely possible to regret having kids.
My first reaction was: If you’re having to ask others if you should have a baby, you probably shouldn’t. I would hope there is more to this than seeking the opinions of strangers on line as to whether or not reproduction is right for you.
If you’re just looking for tales of those who have been parents later in order to reassure yourself with your decision, that’s one thing. But if you don’t really, *really *want to have a baby, then don’t. Honestly, I can’t imagine too many more things in life so personal as the decision to have a child. And recognizing that my opinion is worth exactly as much as you’re paying for it, I’d say that you and your wife need to think long and hard about how much you life will have to change. Weigh the positives and negatives. Then do what’s right for you. No one else’s opinions carry any weight in this decision.
Good, now I don’t have to type out everything I was going to say.
WHY are you asking? Is it because you really, really want kinds but are afraid of the possible issues with your ages? Or is it because you think you “should” have kids, and it’ll be too late soon? Are you happy with your life the way it is? If yes, it doesn’t mean you absolutely shouldn’t have a baby, but consider how much your life will change, and in what ways, if you do.
Lots of good advice here. Think hard on this before you commit. Here’s my story.
I was about 33 when my son was born - my wife was about 32. The pregnancy was hard on her, although she has never had what you might call robust health. She has had many minor health issues over the years, and one or two that were medium to major, requiring surgery. I can’t say if the pregnancy aggravated this or not, though.
Young Ralf was a joy to have. He was a healthy baby, never had anything worse than colds and such. He was a good kid, too - not a problem child, misbehaving, doing drugs, etc. He was smart - did good in school, was in marching band, became the drum major his senior year. He’s got an amazing singing voice that didn’t come from either one of us, and a talent for acting as well. He was in several high school musicals, considered going into theater professionally for awhile, and is active in a community theater program. He’s 20 now, in college, and doing great. It’s amazing to see how far that little grub-like creature I met 20 years ago has changed and grown, and I can’t wait for the next 20.
At 33, I knew we would most likely have only one child. The expense of a a kid 20 years ago floored me. Day care, clothes, food, diapers… We got through it, but it was a tight squeak now and then. We’re comfortably well off now, but it took a long time to get here.
Others have mentioned a lot of things you need to consider. The increased risk of birth defects; the increased risk to the mother’s life and health; the added cost, in terms of dollars, time, and lost opportunities; your wife may have to put her career into a holding pattern for a few years; you two will almost certainly be mistaken for the grandparents, not parents. In most get-togethers with other parents - school functions, scouts, sports, you will stand out.
My gut reaction to all of this is, if you’re burning to have a kid, and that will fulfill your lives, go for it. You’ll work hard, but there is nothing like having your own child crawl into your lap, give you a kiss with lips still coated with peanut butter and jelly, and fall asleep in your arms.
If you are happy with your life now, and you’re just wondering if you’ve missed out on something, then think hard before you do this. Once you’ve got them, kids are almost always great. The human brain is hardwired to think that; otherwise we’d probably drown our young. But if you’re happy now, and you’re stable in your life and your relationship, odds are you will be for the rest of your life. Why upset the applecart?
You will probably be a better parent at 40, than you would have at 20.
No one can prepare you for the impact upon your life having a child will be. For me, the positives outweigh any negatives by a factor of 100x. Besides you repress most of the bad stuff as you go along.