Advice please, shoule we become parents at 40?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m 39, in a month I’ll be 40. My wife is 38. We’re soul mates and think a lot like each other, been together 15 years.

Whenever we’re out and about being held up in a queue at the supermarket or stuck in traffic or bumping into people walking down the street we always think to each other “the world is overpopulated”.

But the predictable thing is upon us, should we have a baby now before it’s too late?

An assortment of things came along mid 20s then the 30s had a load of (mostly financial) problems, finally we are affluent and settled and a nagging voice has started to talk.

I don’t think dealing with a teenager when I’m mid 50s is a great idea and I worry about possible problems my wife may have (I don’t want her to go through any hurt) yet on the other hand I am at last ready to accept that a child would be a great addition.

If it doesn’t work out we would seriously consider fostering or adoption but really I wanted comments about parenting a bit later in life, most likely only-child parenting.

Thanks very much for listening!

ETA: Blast, typo in the thread title!

2

I know the children of many people who didn’t have kids until their mid or late thirties. It’s not that odd, and at your age you do have the advantage of more life experience and more financial resources to raise that kid. Being an older parent isn’t necessarily a negative.

3

My parents had their last child when my mom was 40 and dad was 47. He’s now 17 and they are 57 and 64. The pregnancy was very hard on my mom’s health and she’s never been quite the same since. I know they’re glad they have him, but I can’t help but wonder if they both, but mom especially, would be in better physical condition now she hadn’t gone through a late pregnancy.

4

According to this article the incidence of twins, triplets, Down’s Syndrome, premature birth, Cesarean section, heart problems and diabetes all significantly increase when you have children after 40. Be careful, consult your doctor and decide if it’s worth the risk to you. Wish you luck in whatever course of action you take.

5

I know many parents your age and older. Not at all unusual anymore.

6

I had Celtling a few days before my 39th birthday. The pregnancy was tough, and made tougher by a lack of help from her Father. If you decide to go forward, know that your wife will need a great deal of help, and from early on. (I slipped a disc in my back in the fourth month - just picking up a shampoo bottle from the floor!)

Can you afford for her to stop working for the whole pregnancy? Everyone I’ve talked said they really needed to, although many couldn’t swing it.

And above all, is it the be-all end-all of your life to have a child, or are you just idly considering? Don’t do it unless you just can’t imagine your life without it. Children are tough, and parenthood is relentless in a way that will test every fibre of your being.

For me it was absolutely what I wanted from my life, and she is a dream come true. And that simple fact has saved her life a few times already! :wink:

7

I had my first child at 37 and the second at 40. My husband was 42 and 46. My GRANDmother had her 2 children in the 1940s at exactly the same ages. It’s not at all unusual to have children later in life. My husband and I are enjoying them. Age is not the sole predictor of difficult pregnancies or birth defects. By all means consult doctors if you are concerned. But it was great for us (and my grandma).

8

Just my personal anecdote: I had mudgirl when I was 38, and her father was 40. I am given to understand (no cite) that first pregnancies are harder when you’re older, and she was my third.

It is true that the incidence of multiple births, down’s syndrome, and certain other problems develop after age 35. One of my friends said to me (when I was expecting my last) “You know, twins are much more common after 35; what would you do then?” My response? “Try real hard to decide which one to sell on eBay!”:stuck_out_tongue:
My doc wanted me to have an amniocentesis to check for down’s, but I had two objections to it: One, at my age, the odds of the amnio producing spontaneous miscarriage were statistically the same as my baby having down’s; two, even if the test had come out positive, I would not have terminated the pregnancy. Obviously, YMMV. I didn’t have the amnio. She’s now a strapping, healthy 10YO.

Having said all that, it was my hardest pregnancy. My blood pressure climbed so high that my doctor put me on ‘part-time bed rest’, which he defined as being in bed for every hour I was out of bed, and the eight hours a night I spent sleeping didn’t count. I was a full-time mom at the time, and my youngest was eight, so it wasn’t so hard. If your wife is a professional of some type, the fact that she may have to take a significant amount of time off should not go un-considered.

Best of luck to both of you, no matter what you decide!

9

Sure! My parents did. But maybe adopt. I am the oldest of three, and all of us have some social issues, getting progressively worse by birth year - my youngest brother is super smart, a human calculator with perfect pitch, but he lives in a very different world from that of me or most other people.

But we’re a very close family. Like appleciders said, my parents definitely had the financial base - not to mention the life experience - to give us a comfortable and safe childhood. We’re also very well behaved, dontcha know, did well in school and never got ourselves in trouble. :slight_smile:

10

We had our first (and only) at similar ages to you and your wife.

I was a paranoid wreck, but everything went fine. I worked up until the day before my son was born, so please don’t think everyone has to quit their job or go on bedrest. Statistically speaking you might encounter some fertility problems, but the odds are still in your favor. Just don’t be upset/surprised if you need to see a specialist to help things along.

Best of luck, whatever you decide!
-Wallet-

11

I fathered my first when I was 42. Wife was 31. Second at 46/35. Third at 49/wife was 38. All healthy and pretty normal.

It’s mostly in your mind. If you’re the kind of person who can handle the joy/pain that is/are kids, then go for it. It helps to have a patient disposition.

You won’t regret it in the long run. You’ll have days when you hate the little shits, but the postives outweigh(far outweigh) the negatives. Teaches you a lot about yourself.

12

I say, Go For It !

Don’t wait a moment longer.

What are you doing reading this? Shouldn’t you be doing something else, hmmm?

13

My husband and I are similar in age to you and your wife, and one thing that I think tends to get glossed over in these discussions is that at our age, we are very set and comfortable in our lives, and a baby will change EVERYTHING. You’re also tireder and with less energy than younger parents - at this point, I barely have the energy to play with my cat, much less a toddler.

I read a quote from someone awhile ago that said, if you don’t want a baby with all your heart and all your soul, don’t do it, because it is the hardest thing you’ll ever do.

14

My sister and brother-in-law had my niece when they were 40/41. She’s a much-loved only child. They do have some issues in raising her, but they’re the same issues that come up in other areas in their relationship (division of labor, communication, etc) so it’s not their age or parenting that have caused them.

15

Energy is important. A coworker of my husband had their first kid with his wife when he was just over 40 and she was just under. Now he’s working as much overtime as he can to support them, but the overtime is dwindling and his very physical job is running him ragged. His wife would like another child but he doesn’t have the available hours to be able to support another.

One of my husband’s favorite quotes from the film Ronin is, “If there’s doubt, there is no doubt.” In other words, if you’re questioning, perhaps it isn’t wise? There are a lot of people out there these days who have kids late, and who’ve been having them late for a long time past, so really there isn’t a shortage of ‘role models’ out there who can provide examples of how it’s doable. And you’re still wondering? You should examine that in your heart.

(Full disclosure: My husband and I, by choice, have no children. I’ve never felt the desire, and my husband actually went from “It’d be really nice to have a child, but I’ll go with your decision” to “I don’t want kids.”)

16

The only reason to have a child is if you really want one.

My mum was 45 when I was born and dad was 40. I had excellent parents. Sure they can’t do some stuff because they are older but I think the trade off comes as the kids grow up. Parents at a later age are much better in the teen years and they are more relaxed and comfortable.

I think for every negative thing you can say about it, you can come up with an equally positive thing to say for it.

That said, my dad died when I was 11 and my mother when I was 16. This isn’t a good thing, and it has to be considered. Although considering how much I actually LIKED my folks, I consider myself lucky, as everyone else seems to have so many issues with their parents I never had.

As for overpopulation, before you blame all the woes of the world on this little baby, remember not to use grief and worry as an excuse. Whether or not you have this baby the world is gonna go on just fine.

So ask yourself, do I really want a baby? If the answer is yes, go ahead and if the answer is “no,” then don’t.

For every plus you can always find a minus so I say do what you really want and don’t be pressured.

17

I would suggest not. The age difference between you and your kids will be a problem.

18

I can’t speak yet for the long term, but I can offer my own experience so far: I’m 40, my husband is 41, and Baby Matata is 8 days old. Totally uncomplicated pregnancy and delivery, beautiful healthy baby girl. This is my third child, and my husband’s first.

What I’ve noticed to this point: Pregnancy was physically harder for me at 40 than at 28 and 31, when my older kids were born. I was more tired, my back ached more, I had the worst acid reflux ever for most of the nine months, etc. (And the issues that were hard for me were maybe even harder on my husband. I knew what to expect, and to expect these discomforts. He didn’t know what to expect, and was miserable because there was so little he could do to make me feel better. I think even the delivery was harder on him than on me, for the same reasons. If I were that sort of wife, I could have parlayed my darling husband’s guilt into lots of jewelry!)

I used a midwife practice and birth center for my care, and my pregnancy was treated as “normal risk,” not “high risk due to advanced maternal age.” Possibly that would have been different had this been my first pregnancy. I don’t know. I’m finding that I have far more patience with and tolerance for all of the “issues” that come up with a new baby - sleepless nights, mostly. At my age, I know beyond reasonable doubt that this is my last baby, so even the sleepless nights, rashes, endless diaper changes, and unexplainable crying jags are “easier,” because I know I won’t be doing this again.

My advice? If you are an otherwise healthy couple, and you both really, really want a baby, go for it. Yes, there are some slightly higher risks associated with older parents, but those risks are balanced by your emotional and financial stability. If you really aren’t sure that you want a baby, enjoy your quiet, calm, child-free lives. Parenthood isn’t for the faint of heart! :wink:

(And regarding the worries about dying early in your child’s life? I’m pretty fatalistic about that. My own father died when I was 9, but he was only 35 years old at the time. You could get hit by a bus at any moment, but statistically, you’ve got some good years left. That’s truly not a reason to have or not to have a baby.)

19

My mum was 39 when she had me, her only child. From what she tells me the pregnancy was quite easy and without much problems. I also remember playing a lot with her, running, tumbling around on the carpet and going to playgrounds.

But then I know my mum and seeing how energetic she is now, I can imagine how full of energy she must’ve been back then. :slight_smile: I also met a few people in their late 30’s and early 40’s who looked and behaved older, and I couldn’t imagine them with young kids.

What I’m saying is, think about how you feel, go to a doctor to see what are the pros and cons in your particular case, and don’t let the scary 40 by itself deter you from having a wanted and loved child.

20

??? On this basis, we should be encouraging twelve year old girls to get pregnant. This is the dumbest objection yet.

Stranger