Age for having kids?

My youngest kid just turned 18 and all 3 will be in college next month. Made me think about the choice we made in having kids when we did. I’m interested in hearing how old you were when you had kids, and looking back whether or not you think it might have been better to have them earlier or later. If you don’t have kids, feel free to chime in about your parents or your friends’/relatives experiences.

My wife and I are now both 48. We were between 27-30 when we had our 3 kids in a 3.5 year span. We were just a couple of years out of law school. We got married and started having kids earlier than many of our friends, which was mildly inconvenient at times when friends still wanted to party hard. But that was not much of an inconvenience. As years went on we became more flexible as our kids aged, while our friends became more tied down with babies.

I am glad we had them when we were young and physically fit. And now I’m glad that we can start thinking about how we want to live the next 10-20 or more years with them (primarily) out of the house. My wife and I are in pretty decent shape and will be able to travel and otherwise spend money on ourselves as our friends were doing back in their 20s-30s.

It also sort of fit in well with our improving economic situation. At first we did not have much money and lived somewhat modestly, buying the kids used clothes and not going out much. Caused us to develop frugal habits. As our household income increased we were able to support various activities and purchases, tho were never able to be lavish. Some of my friends lived pretty high in their 20s. I can imaging it being tough going from a lifestyle where I basically served my personal wants, to cleaning up spit-up and spending money on childcare and diapers.

And we always had the need to balance our careers with our kids. I can imagine it being different to fit new kids into a demanding, established career.

Of course, not everything about family timing is entirely a choice.

I was 35, my wife 33, when our first was born, 9 months after our wedding day. It was the perfect age to get married, but too late for having kids. We were both very used to being free to do whatever we wanted. Now (and for the next decade or so) we are at the constant mercy of the kids. The only consolation is that all of our friends got married and had kids at the same time, so we have lots of people to commiserate with.

The people I know who were married and had kids in their mid 20s seem to be happiest with how it turned out. You’re young and energetic enough to keep up with the toddlers and then the kids are pretty much on their own when the parents are in their mid 40s.

I am 49, had my daughter when I was 35. I am glad I waited as I am a much more mature and even tempered father now then I would have been if I had her earlier. I would have done fine I suppose–but now that I am older it is easier for me to put things in perspective and not get too bent out of shape. Also because I am more established in my career if I want to leave to attend an event for her or for some health issue for her-- I can with zero repurcussions–not something I could have done when I was 30.

She will graduate high school when I am 55, and that is the age my wife and I have targeted to take retirement from our current positions (we will continue to work but under vastly different scenarios).

I am also at a point in my career where I can put aside money for her education, etc. When I was younger (early twenties) I was a poor college student and really had a tough enough time surviving by myself. But I have friends who had kids then and who are grandparents now! That is a hard frame of reference for me to even comprehend since my daughter is only 14. I want to be a grandpa at about 67-Not 50.

We had our kid when I was 39. I definitely regret not doing it younger, but I most certainly do not regret doing it.

I’d say mid to late 20s would be best: old enough to be reasonably responsible and established, young enough not to get too damn tired all the time. At least, on average.

All my SILs except one (I’ll explain her in a bit) had their kids roughly around the age as you and your wife, give or take a couple of years. Eldest SIL/BIL’s reasoning was that they wanted to be “young enough” to enjoy their empty-nest time. Another SIL had her kids within a 4-year span so she could “get everything over and done with” rather than spacing everyone out. Another didn’t so much plan as she was, in MIL parlance, “a fertile Myrtle”.

The other SIL? She was in her early 40s when she married BIL. She now has two young sons and had a horrible time during both pregnancies. Needless to say they’re not planning on having any more.

We don’t have children, only dogs :slight_smile: I always swore that if I didn’t already have children by the time I was in my mid 30s, I didn’t want them.

Surely you are not suggesting that your experiences made you wiser?! :stuck_out_tongue:

Interesting point, tho. I wonder how I would have differed in my approach to parenting today as opposed to then. To the parent of older kids pretty much all parents are impressive in their stupidity - magnified by their certainty. :wink: I wonder how parents in their 20s compare to ones in their 30s-40s in that respect?

Well I realize that ‘some’ posters differ in that, but yes I do think experience is important :slight_smile: For example recently we decided to give my daughter a monthly allowance for bathroom/female products and make her totally responsible for all of that stuff. It has worked out great! She has taken full charge and buys cheaper shampoo then she used to, doesn’t waste it, doesn’t wait until she runs out, etc. 15 years ago I am not sure I would have the budget to give her the money, and the foresight to see that this independence was a good motivator.

I do find it interesting many posters say they had more energy when they were younger, but I find I have more energy now. When I was trying to establish my career, I worked a lot and had little free time and the time I did have I wanted to have fun and party. Now that I my career is well established I don’t have to put the same amount of energy into it, thus freeing it up for my daughter. When she was a rugrat running around I was only in my late 30’s–hardly ancient and decrepit. Hell at age 49 I am pretty sure I can run circles around most of the people on this board as I take very good care of myself.

ALL parents are stupid to kids though–regardless of age! I think that is just a universal idiom. I believe it was Mark Twain who said it (but I don’t believe it has ever been verified): When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

We had our first when Ms. lanzy was 17 and I was 18. Every 4 years we had another, til we reached 3. Became a grandfather at 39!

We never had enough money for anything because we started out so young, so I don’t reccomend it, the good news is when we finally got our education and careers started, the kids were grown and we have been able to afford whatever we want in addition to helping the kids with all their finances.

It has worked out but not everyone will be able to handle the kind of stress it creates.

I’m 38, and I had my daughter when I was 20. I wouldn’t change a thing. I certainly wasn’t swimming in money, but we did okay, and I don’t think it did her any harm (quite the contrary, really) to occasionally hear “No, you can’t have that.” I was very lucky in that at the time, my mother had a new baby as well (my daughter and sister were born six weeks apart), so we each had a built in sitter, and my social life didn’t suffer much. I wasn’t the most patient of parents, but honestly I’m not any *more *patient now, so I’m not at all sure I’d have been any better if I’d waited.

And I’ve got to say, being 38 and done (as much as you’re ever “done” with parenting) doesn’t suck. As much as I envied my friends’ freedom when I was 22, I’m pretty sure they envy mine more now.

I was 17 when I had Hallgirl1 and 19 when I had Hallgirl2, then 27 when I had Hallboy. At this point (I’m 43), the Hallgirls are out on their own (Hallgirl2 is married with a baby of her own) and Hallboy is entering his sophmore year in high school. Relatively, speaking, I have a lot of freedom now that nearly everyone is out of the house, and I’m not so sure how different it would have been if I’d waited until much later to have my kids. I find it very difficult, if not impossible, to imagine my life without my kids, especially when thinking back to when I was younger.

I don’t regret having them, and rarely regret that I had them so young. I cannot–absolutely CANNOT–imagine having a baby at my age (although I know there are many women who do so), or worse yet, starting my family at my age.

As far as finances, I’ve done just about everything ass backwards in my life, and I learned a lot about myself and the world, raising three kids by myself on a budget so tight it couldn’t even sqeak. Money has been a bit more available as Hallboy has gotten older, but I don’t know if that’s necessarily a good thing for him or not. (The jury is still out on that one.)

As far as patience and parenting goes, I went through a lot of counseling and parenting classes to learn how to be a good parent, and because of my screwed up and abusive childhood, I would have had to do that anyway, regardless of when I had kids.

Dins - Did you decide to get the puppy?

My sisters the twins had their children when they were in their early to mid 20’s (one twin has four girls, plus a set of twins that were premature and died shortly after birth; the other twin has two kids 16 months apart). My oldest sister was 33 when her only chid was born. My brother didn’t start until he was about 40, and now has three sons.

StG - childless

The bitch still hasn’t gone into heat. I’m a little surprised, to I guess they are not as regular as clockwork.

Actually, the other day I found myself thinking it would be nice to have another pup. Came to my senses pretty quickly, but it is scary that this time I was thinking of it instead of my wife! :eek:

We’ve been slacking off of disciplining our current 2, and worked them pretty hard this a.m. to start correcting that. I think we would be better off working with the 2 we have instead of adding a 3d to the mix. When I thought of a 3d, I remembered the intelligent things from that other thread.

Back to the OP, several folk have mentioned the “benefit” of financial constraints from having kids young. Makes it easy to say “No,” and teach the kids all kinds of lessons. I think some (not all) older parents may tend to toss too much money at their kids for various reasons. Hell, if you have it, it is hard not to share it. But I think enforced frugality teaches some valuable lessons.

We had our first son when we were both 30 and my due date for kid #2 is 6 days after my 34th birthday (in November). We had kids a couple of years later than all our friends.

I’m glad we had/are having them at the age we are now. We’re both misers, so finances aren’t much of a problem (yet - I haven’t had the second one, so I’m sure it’ll be a bigger blow than I realize), and I’m energetic, though not quite as much as I was in my 20s. I’m also much less outwardly dramatic than I was in my 20s.

I had my first (and only) at 31.5. I never planned to start so late, I’d always intended to start around my mid 20’s and be well and truly done before 35 (the age at which pregnancy risks start getting higher). Now I’m 33 and single, so I’m guessing I’m probably done which makes me sad. I’d have liked more. It may still happen, but I’ll be choosing between having kids in my mid/late 30s or having fewer than I’d have liked… and that’s all if I happen to meet someone I want to have kids with, which is pretty unlikely considering I have an extremely limited social life (i.e. no social life whatsoever).

I agree with this 100%. I come from a large Hispanic family–3 brothers and 3 sisters with me smack in the middle–most of us have had only one child. We were dirt poor growing up and all of us are very successful today. I hated being poor as a child and vowed I would not put my family through that.

So all my brothers and sisters struggle with the ‘concept’ of money and how to raise our kids. I know I struggle with this with my daughter. I can afford to get her anything she wants–anything. I don’t do that though, and we have denied her things as being too expensive, etc. But then again my wife and I live very frugally (so we can afford to retire at age 55!), so it isn’t like my kid is seeing a life of wealth around her! But we live very comfortably, eat well, have a nice home and do fun things–but they are all done on easily half our income. Currently we put over 50% of our income away for retirement/her future education, etc. We want to make our money work for us rather then work for money and it is a lesson I want her to learn early, not later in life like I did.

That is why we did the thing with her bath product money, she also gets an allowance, but everything she wants needs to come out of her allowance. So for example recently she needed a new flattening iron–she had to save her allowance to get that. I also make her save 15% of her allowance every week into a savings account, etc. Small steps but I do have to establish the idea of money and how it is earned and how it will work for you. If I gave her everything she desired I don’t see that would happen naturally.

We were in our early thirties. We tried for our late twenties, but had fertility issues.

Seems like a good age - we could afford daycare, were pretty stable, and were still young enough to chase behind a bike when the kids learned to ride a two wheeler.

Unlike a lot of people, we did have kids “when we could afford them” - not that we waited until we could afford them - we got lucky. But we’ve indulged our kids in the “benefit” of financial constraints anyway - they aren’t spoiled and they hear “no” far more often than they want. On the other hand, renting the band instrument isn’t a hardship and there is money there to give them some experiences they might not get otherwise.

Live your life before creating another.

Seems like so far in this thread, I have the largest “spread” between first and last kids, so maybe I have a little perspective to lend.

I was 25 when I had my first child, and she’s married now. I felt like it was a good age to have a baby. I’d been out of school for eight years (never went to college), had done my fair share of partying, so I didn’t feel too tied-down by having a baby.

When she was a year and a half old, I married her father. When she turned three, I started thinking it might be nice to have another one, and my husband agreed. We didn’t have any trouble conceiving at all, so two months before my first child turned four, I had my second. Another girl. She’s in college now.

For years, my husband and I said “Well, two kids are enough; we definitely don’t need more”, then there came a point when my hubby got to thinking we could “try one more time” for a boy. I’ve no idea what possessed me to go along with that idea! :stuck_out_tongue: We had a harder time conceiving that one, possibly because I was older (I had a harder pregnancy, too; I was on partial bed rest for the last six months of it). As a result, my third wasn’t born until a month and a half after I turned 38. She’s nine now, and going into the 4th grade. It’s been interesting. I don’t necessarily have the physical energy now that I did when I was in my 20s, but I’m more patient, so maybe that makes up for it. In a lot of ways, it’s like having an only child. Not that my older two never need me anymore, but when my youngest needs me, I’m just about always available for her.

When I was pregnant with her, everyone told me “Having a baby at your age will keep you young!” Well, I don’t know about all that, now, but she’s a very cool kid, and I’d do it all again.

Oh, and just as a side-note, even though we didn’t get the boy my husband wanted, our youngest is just like him, so he almost got his son! :wink:

I had my first child at age 29, and am having a second one next December at age 32. I’d already have two kids if not for miscarriages (I’m the father, BTW).

Physically, I’d think early 30’s is the very latest one should have kids in. I can’t skip meals and stay up all night with no ill effects now like I did in my 20’s. I’m really glad I’m not in my 40’s with small children, like several of my (chronically fatigued) friends are. Now that my daughter is close to three, and very physically active (one could say aggressive), it takes all I have to keep up with her. I want my children to grow up feeling they have a super-strong dad. I also want to have decades for myself after they leave the nest.

Emotionally, I was a wreck in my 20’s. Can’t tell how I would’ve fared with kids on top of my problems. I know I’m much calmer, more open and wiser now than I was back then. Without my childhood issues, I’d think I’d made a great dad even in my early 20’s. Already in Kindergarten I knew I’m going to be a dad.

Contrary to what many seem to think, money is a non-issue with small children. They need their parents, diapers and a little food. We haven’t bought much any clothes for our’s, for instance - friends and relatives keep on carrying bags of used children’s clothing to our door. We use maybe 10 % of what’s there and keep our daughter well clad. We’re dirt poor by present standards but have everything we need for now.

I had my son when I was 41. Not much planning there: I just didn’t meet my current husband (seven years my junior) untill I was 39, and he was the first one to want kids at all. It took us three years and two miscaariages to get our baby boy. He turned one year old last month.

Regrets, thoughts? Not really. I don’t know what would have happened if my fertility would have made it impossible to get pregnant at forty. Would my husband and me have split up? I asked my susband, and he said “no, but I would have regretted it very much”.