OK, trying this again… the last time the Great SDMB Post Eater got my post.
Mr. Athena and I toss around the idea of having kids on a regular basis. Neither of us are particularly young - I’m almost 33, he’s (gasp!) 45. On occasion, he’s wondered if he’s already “too old” to have kids. Not in a physical sense (he’s MORE than fine that way, I can assure you) but in an emotional and um, all those other senses. Collectively, we sometimes have trouble raising our dog, much less a child.
Still, I’m guessing the motivation to raise a child is a little more than the motivation to make sure our dog is happy, balanced, and all that.
Anyone out there in our shoes who had a kid, or are you the child of older parents? What kinds of things should we be thinking about? Is this just a stupid idea?
I don’t think age has a lot to do with it–unless you’re a woman, those eggs do have a shelf life.
My ex is 20 yrs older than me (I’m 34), and we have two boys ages 10 and 6. He’s a good parent. Since his age isn’t an issue for him, it doesn’t effect the way he is with his children. I think that if you both want to have a child and you’re both physically/financially/emotionally ready for it (well, as much as you can be anyway) then you should do it. If you have doubts, maybe you should talk to some friends who have kids–just to get a general idea of what you’re in for to really see if this is for you.
Personally, I find the rewards of being a parent have greatly overshadowed any of the bad stuff (but I haven’t had to snake the toilet for legos in a long time so I’m riding the good wave!)
I’m 40 with a 3 year old boy and a just-turned-8-year-old. I think my age really helps me be a good parent. I’ve gotten most things out of my system, I have more patience, I have more knowledge, I can really focus on my kids.
It’s totally a personal decision, but I would think someone at 45 would be more emotionally ready to have kids. A child will be the center of your life and basically run things for a while. Your husband will have to accept that he’ll be in his 60’s when they’re in college, but I don’t see why that’d be a problem.
I’ve had dogs, plants, fish, etc. and there is no comparison . Anyone who suggests they love their dog like a child either never had children, or has a strange relationship with them!
I’m not a kid person and I’m not very good with them, but that’s with someone elses kids. I never thought I could love and care for a child so much until I had one. I’m not sure most people ever feel they’re ready emotionally (and all those other senses).
I believe my father was about 45 when I was born. While he may have been a little slower at sports compared to other kids’ dads, he did not lack in any other department. He was a loving, caring person and that’s all that mattered.
If you were 45, there would be some health concerns, but you’re just a young 'un. I’m not trying to push having a child on you, but it sounds like you really want one. Mine were, well, let’s say unplanned. If I would have waited till everything was right and I felt responsible enough to have a child, I never would have had a child.
Mr. S was the last of seven children, born when his parents were in their early 40s. He often talks about how his parents were already old and tired (granted, they were overworked farm people) when he was of an age to know them.
I might as well add an anecdote here: I’m 35 and Mr. S is now 47. We have no kids and don’t plan to have any. A few weeks ago we took on a friend’s 8-year-old for the weekend. He’s a good kid and we enjoyed having him, but for those 48 hours he wore us out! Questions, questions, questions, keeping him out of trouble, keeping him gainfully occupied, keeping him well fed and away from junk food . . . I don’t know how parents do it full-time. We were SO glad to go back to just our dogs, who are much calmer and don’t ask so many questions.
Taking care of other people’s kids can be misleading. If you have a friend visit, you feel a certain obligation to entertain and take care of that person during their visit. You most likely do not have to entertain and take care of your husband (?). While kids go through needy stages, they also spend much of their time sleeping, playing in their rooms/outside/at friends houses, watching tv, reading, drawing, etc. They probably do not do these things when they are at someone elses house. It is much more work to watch someone elses kids than it is to watch mine.
There’s also one major difference that is hard to see while watching a child. An attention needing child asking tons of questions can be a real pain, but not when it’s mine. I want to play games with my kids, I want to answer all their questions (well, most of the time), I want to teach them to do things, I want to show them right from wrong…but I don’t want to do that with the neighbor’s kids.
Again, I’m not trying to shove the child thing down anyone’s throat, I’m just giving some opinions from a person who thought they’d never, ever have children…ever!
My aprents were 40 and 43 when I was born.
I don’t recommend it, at least IMHO.
They were so different from me, conservative-wise, not to mention they really couldn’t play with me.
I had my son at 34, which to Me, would be the cutoff age for the woman at least.
YMMV
When my mother was born her father was 53 and her mother was 41. She also had a sister who was 9 years older then her. They way she explains it, it was like being raised by your grandparents. Her and her parents had so little in common. And a lot of little things were missing because they were so old. Mostly all those physical things like going hiking or shopping all day. They were just too old and tired to do all those things. And culturally too. She came of age during Vietnam, her father during World War I. Music, thoughts on women’s rights, everything was very different.
My mother was 19 when I was born. And she had loads of energy. In fact it was only a few years ago when we began to notice that she simply couldn’t charge up Mt. Kaala (a 4,000 foot climb up steep mountain slopes) and more rests were required. I still remember and enjoy music that she enjoyed in her mid 20s. We are almost the same culturally. In fact since a generation is 20 years I like to joke that we’re of the same generation. She does still love them dearly and if very healthy emotionally so they must have done something right.
But if you want to have kids and you’re aware of the limitations of age and time and you still think you can do a good job, go for it.
Mr. Athena and I are both in pretty good shape. Most people don’t think he’s as old as he is. We’re pretty active, biking, running, kayaking, etc. etc. I don’t see that stopping anytime soon. Mr. Athena’s been an athlete his whole life, and although he’s not winning bike races or running up and down mountains anymore, he’s definitely not ‘slowing down’ or anything like that. After all, he’s got to keep up with me since I’m still a young’un!
Same with me. If I turn out anything like my mother and grandmother, I’ll be active well into my 60s and maybe 70s. I guess I can use my own experiences here, as if I do decide to have a kid, I’ll be around my mother’s age when she had me. I only recently have wished my mother was younger when she had me, and that’s only because I’d like her to be around forever. I don’t ever remember her being ‘old’ or ‘slow’ when I was growing up. In fact, now that I thing about it, her attitude and general outlook on life made her seem younger than a lot of my friend’s mothers, even though they were usually physically younger than my Mom. Hell, most people still don’t believe my mother is in her 60s - she dresses and acts like someone ten or fifteen years younger than she is.
I think older parents are great. I am the child of older parents. My parents were already through all of those identity and mid-life crises by the time I came along. They knew where they wanted to live, how they wanted to live, and were through with their schooling and settled in a career and in their marriage. It just seemed like they had things figured out.
It gave me a sense of security. All the kids loved my Mom and wanted theirs to be like her. It also seems now that the ‘generation gaps’ are not so big anymore.
I plan to be an older parent if I can. It sounds like you guys would be great.
The only drawback I know of is that you don’t get to have your parents and grandparents around as long as you’d like – my father has already passed away, and I lost my last grandparent at age 15. But their are still lots of aunts and uncles and cousins to be family.
I will be 41 in Nov. and my youngest will be 3 just shortly after Christmas. I was 25 when I had my first child, 29 when I had my second one, and if you don’t feel like doing the math yourself, 38 when I had the last one. It’s a little different from what Athena is anticipating, because sometimes having the older kids around is helpful. Of course, sometimes it’s a hindrance, as I am dealing with the issues of a teenager, and adolescent and a toddler/preschooler at the same time. Some days it seems like a competition to see if the toddler or the teen have more temper tantrums
Anyway, I definitely had more energy for my first two, but the flip-side is that I definitely have more patience with my youngest. I don’t try to push partenthood down anyone’s throat, but I couldn’t imagine doing anything else with my life at this point.
As for the health risks, I was told that at 38, I had a one in 200 chance of having a baby with Down’s Syndrome. I told the doctor I can’t even hit those scratch-off lottery tickets where one in 20 wins. I’m not going to worry about something that’s one in 200!! It’s not my place to say how old is too old or how young is too young (except when it comes to my teenager. she’s definitely too young), but I think if it’s something you want to do you should go for it!
Best of luck
Norine
My Mom was 40 and Dad was 56 when I was born. They were just to tired to do anything. I can only remember 2 short family trips and that was before I started school. Then there were the numerous health problems.
Also, if I may interject one more thing. . .all of the people with older parents who say “they were just too old to do anything”, I think some people just get old too young. To illustrate, my mom was only 32 when she had me, and she always seemed old, walked slow, very moody, complete couch potato. If she’d been 42 when she had me, I’d be chalking all that up to old age, but I realize now that’s just the way she was. All my sisters are older than me, and they say the same thing. It’s more attitude than age.
I’m 28, my father is 73, and my mother is 57 (I think). I’ve got a sister, age 26. I didn’t miss out on anything having an older parent while I was growing up. We did eat dinner early and the house settled down at about 7 or 8 when Dad went to bed, but apart from those little things there wasn’t much difference I could see between my parents and my friends’ parents. Apart from my father’s totally white hair.
The upsides were that as I was growing up, my parents were secure in their marriage (my mother met my father when she was 19, and they didn’t have me until they were married for about 6 years; but this isn’t to say that they never fought or anything, just that they knew each other about as well as you can before they made the big step of having children), had the financial wherewithall to enable my mother to stay home with my sister and I (and my father was able to arrange his practice so that he opened his office at 6 and came home at 4), and had loads and loads of life experiences that I’m still amazed at every day. We did a lot of traveling as a family (facilitated in large part by my father’s profession), and continue to do so.
I am, however, growing increasingly concerned about potential health problems (particularly the cost of treatments and such) and I’m starting to think that if you’re planning to have kids as older parents, it might be wise to start salting away some extra money for medical emergencies and procedures your kids may not be able to handle at a younger age. I’m also a little saddened that if I ever decide to have children, they may never get to know their grandparents (OK, my mom’s not so old but still).
I don’t want to make anyone mad, and I mean this in a light hearted way, but I find it ironic that some of the children of older parents are advising against having kids. You do realize that if your parents took your advice, you wouldn’t have an opinion
The question I have is, was having older parents that were tired and from a distant generation so bad that you would advise your parents not to have you?
Also, do you think that being different in culture, opinion, musical tastes, political ideals, etc. is limited only to families that have older parents? I thought that was the definition of a family
I don’t know that age has anything to do with being unlike your children or low-energy. I think it’s just attitude. My parents are only 21 and 25 years older than I am, and they are much more conservative than I and were not particularly energetic when I was growing up. Major couch potatoes, in fact.
I had my first baby when I was 37 (he’s 11 months old). My husband is 44 (43 at baby’s birth). Sure, he can wear us out, but we love to play with him. We plan to try for another just as soon as our son is weaned. I may be 40 when it happens, but I don’t much care. As to temperment, we’re not even close to being conservative, and we like to do active things (hiking, camping), but who knows–baby may turn out to be completely different. It’s all personality and attitude, not age.
BTW, as far as a woman’s age goes, my grandmother had my mom when she was 38 (in 1943) and my uncle when she was 40. Both turned out fine. If a woman pushing 40 can have healthy babies in the 1940s, she can certainly have them now.
My mom was 34 when I was born; my dad was 40. They never seemed particularly old to me while I was growing up. My mom, in particular, is glad she waited to have kids; she’s told me several times that if she’d had a child in her early 20s, she probably would have wound it abusing it. (Ma still has problems with anger management.)
However, they both have some health problems now, and cancer runs in my dad’s family. I’m worried that I’ll wind up taking care of one or both of them while I’m still in my 20s. And as other posters have mentioned, it makes me sad that my (future) children most likely won’t grow up knowing their grandparents.
My dad was 41 when I was born (he got married at 35 and I was his youngest). He was a fantastic father. He was completely devoted to his family. He took us on many, many family outings. He was devoted to my mom. My mom was in her 30s when she had me (starting having kids when she was in her late 20s) so I don’t consider her “too old”, but every once in a while, people thought my dad was my grandfather. Well, he wasn’t too old to me.
One thing that bothered me—he died when I was still in my 20s. This wasn’t right. He should have taken better care of himself, dammit! I miss him still. But it WAS a matter of him taking better care of himself—he’d had open heart surgery when I was still in high school (heart disease runs in his family) and he didn’t follow through on his doctor’s advice about diet and such after a while. This led to his early demise, in my opinion.
I asked my mom about this age issue (she’s still going strong) and she said that “older” parents (especially fathers) often posses a level of maturity and commitment that perhaps some younger men don’t. (i.e. an older man has finished “sowing his wild oats” and is really ready to settle down.) All she knows is that she got a man who was 100% devoted to his family, and his age had no bearing on his ability to be a good dad.
He sure was a good dad. He was very involved in our upbringing and I know some of my childhood friends were envious because I had such a nice dad. (And nice mom too—she was a piece of work at times, but always energetic and young enough. Too energetic sometimes!)
Anyway, to sum it up, you’re not too old, Athena, and as long as your husband is in good shape and intends to stay that way, my guess is that he’s not too old either.
Several posters have pointed out the issue of grandparenthood. It is true that by the time my little one is old enough to start having kids, I’ll probably be about 65, but with today’s medical technology (ever-advancing, may I add?) and my good attitude, that’s just not ancient! My father is 73, and still going strong! My hubby’s mother is 80 and shows no signs of giving up. And of course, there’s always fate. As I’ve mentioned, when I was born, my mom was 32, dad 34. Not particularly old. Nonetheless, the only grandparent I knew was my father’s mother. And she died when I was nine. While being old definitely increases the risks of dying (I know that reads odd, but can’t figure out how to fix it), being young doesn’t guarantee anything. As with everything else, there are pros and cons on both sides
Good luck, Athena!
I don’t think it is a stupid idea. I was the only kid my mom had (at 34), the last kid my dad had (at 36). They were more ready to settle down and give up some of their previous lifestyles in order to raise me as they saw fit. My father had my siblings when he was in his early 20s, and that decade or so change him in many ways. He was a better parent to me during my childhood than he was to my siblings (although he had since, and partly thanks to me, caught up with that). They both had an established career, so for the first years economic problems were not constant.
Right now, at mid-50s, my parents are in much better shape than they were before I was born! They exercise more, they take more precautions, they left their vices behind, and they have more energy and stamina than I do.
Grandparenthood: My biological paternal grandmother died when she was 42 of cancer. That’s fate for you, she never knew any of her grandchildren. My paternal grandfather remarried later on, and he and my grandmother (now in their 80s) are still healthy and going strong. He had a fall about 5 years from which he had never fully recovered, but he’s still functional and otherwise healthy. Her strength is weakening (thanks to other family issues), but my grandmother is still strong and takes care of their household.
My maternal grandmother died when she was around 65 years old of a heart attack. My grandparent is still alive, survived colon cancer (from 5 years ago), and has found a new love. His mother lived to be almost 100 so I’m wishing him many years of joyful life.
Note: My maternal grandparents were old (by their time epochs) when they had my mom and my aunt. I think my granny was around 30 when she married (this in the 1940s), and around 33 when she had my mom, 35 when she had my aunt. She lived to see her oldest grandson become a teenager and her youngest grandchild (me) celebrate her first birthday.
