Surely there is no one ‘ideal’ age for having kids?
Some might say have your kids younger so you can enjoy your freedom later in life, others might say enjoy your freedom now then have your kids when you are older. Neither position is right or wrong, they’re just different, and suit different people.
Absolutely agreed!
The only caveat I have here is it drives me crazy when people purposely choose to have kids at a particular age, spaced in a particular way, and then whine about it. I have a friend who has three young children. The youngest is 2 and 1/2, the oldest is 6. One of them is autistic, and the other two have been diagnosed with Asperger’s. She did not plan to have children with disabilities, surely, but she did choose to have three children, close together, while she was young (she’s maybe 30 now), and she complains almost constantly about how hard it is to deal with them all day (she also chooses to home school them).
It’s not that I don’t have any sympathy for her, but criminy, did it never occur to her that there would be challenges with having three children that close together?
I was 35 when my first was born, 38 for the second, and 41 for the third. Don’t know why I waited so long, I’m loving fatherhood, but I wouldn’t change anything, of course, now that it’s happened. At least my last one should be out of college by the time I retire…
It also makes me immeasurably sad when people have children for no other reason than to shore up a faltering marriage. I wouldn’t think twice about stepping in front of a bus to save my son’s life, but having him was the most significant strain on my marriage I’ve ever experienced. Regardless of how much you agree with each other’s philosophies before you have children, there will always be areas where you disagree and that, combined with a lack of sleep and a potentially difficult, extremely needy child, can stress the strongest of relationships.
I have a couple of friends who had kids because they felt like they needed to in order to become closer. What a mistake. They’re still married four years later, but they’re both absolutely miserable.
I don’t think there is an ideal age for having kids. I think that people who have their kids very young or people who have them very old are not generally choosing the easiest path for themselves or their children. But that doesn’t necessarily mean its the wrong path - and there are a lot of other circumstances that might make earlier or late parenting easier than mid-life parenting. A young girl who has her kids at fifteen with very supportive parents might find that child a lot easier to raise than a single woman of 25 having a baby who doesn’t have a supportive family and friends around her to help. A woman who marries for life late and has her first child in her forties with an established career might find it much easier than having had the child in her 20s when she was struggling and in a bad first marriage.
Agreed. As my original post in this thread makes clear, I think, my husband and I were not married (or even engaged) when we had our first child. My one fear about motherhood was that the pregnancy/baby might put enough strain on the relationship to finish it for good. The fact that our relationship not only survived that, but thrived, was one of the things that made me feel very confident in marrying him. And here we are, twenty-five years later, still very much in good shape (relationship-wise, I mean. 
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Well, somebody’s gotta be the oldest new parent here.
Had our first a year and half ago. The second is due to be induced in three weeks, two days after I turn 43. My wife will be 40 in November.
Didn’t find each other until late + wanted a couple of years to ourself + taking a while to get pregnant the first time + miscarriage = late parenthood. I wouldn’t trade parenthood for the world, but it would have been easier to have started it ten years ago.
I’m 44 now; we had our only child when I was 39 and the lovely Missus was 40. As much as we’d like to have another one, we have tons of fertility issues. My wife’s last OBGYN told her that if we somehow managed to have another it would be the statistical equivelent of winning the lottery twice.
I love being a dad in my 40s. I didn’t think I’d ever want children until I met my current (hopefully last) wife when I was 38.
The Celtling was born the week of my 39th birthday. Physically, the pregnancy took an enormous toll, and my spine will never completely heal.
Even so, I don’t hesitate to sya that I am a much better parent for the years I waited. I manage to remain calm, cool and collected through the worst of days, and have never raised a hand to her. I have raised my voice three times in 2.5 years, all three times due to safety issues and the needs for her to respond immediately.
Celtling is remarkably intelligent, and will need private schooling in order to reach her full potential. I can just barely swing it on my salary, and ten years ago would have had to watch some of that potential fall by the wayside.
It would have been easier in many ways when I was younger, but I wouldn’t have done a better job. I also wouldn’t have known I wasn;t doing the best possible job, so I wouldn’t have suffered at all for it.
The bottom line is this: The right time to have a child is when you have space for them, food for them, are in a calm and serene place emotionally, and have love bursting through your heart to be given away.
My advice to anyone who is planning the timing: Pretend the child just arrived. Put an extra $1200 into a bank account every month. (That’s just daycare folks, clothes and formula and diapers increase the number!) At worst you’ll discover you can’t do it. At best you’ll have a nice nest egg set aside, and the necessary budgeting habits already in place, which avoids a great deal of the initial conflict.
Best of luck!
First one at 29, right after I got out of grad school and had a good job. Second one at 35, since we decided to give ourselves a year to recover after the first one got out of college. When the time came we were glad we did.
I’m glad we didn’t wait any later. Next year is our last year of paying for college, which gives us plenty of time to amass even more money for retirement.
Gee, at 58 I’m still living my life. Having kids enhanced both of our lives quite a lot, not just the normal ways but in having a bunch of experiences we never would have had without kids. But if you mean don’t have kids the moment you leave your parents home, I agree.
Well, we will be older when our first child is born in December (knock wood). I am 47 and my wife is 40.
Our story is somewhat similar. We didn’t find each other until late also, The only difference is that we wanted to start a family right away. We also had many problems, including a miscarriage.
Ideal age depends on the person … I was 24 when I had my daughter. Pretty young! However, I was stunned right into maturity, so it was a good thing.
As far as money goes, I teach at a school that is 70% or so free lunch and many of the rest of the kids are from real wealth–10K foot mansions and trust funds and the like. What I have learned is that money makes no difference–some rich kids are entitled little shits, and others have taken every advantage as a chance to improve themselves and feel a real sense of civic duty. Some poor kids are hard working and thrifty and wise and some are entitled little shits who think that the world owes them everything because of the terrible injustice of their poverty. Most kids fall somewhere in between.
My dad was 59.75 when I was born, so if I have a kid at the same age, he/she won’t be born until 2044! If I and my son/daughter play our cards right, maybe I could have a grandkid that’s born in 2104. That kid could live to see the 23rd century!
I am 61 now. We had our first son when I was 27, Three years to day and almost the hour our 2nd son was born, my last boy when I was 33. My wife and I were married three years before having the first.
I am glad that I had them when we did and I am glad that we waited 3 years.
My mom was 45 when I was born. My parents were 20 years older than my friend’s parents. I did not realize that until about when I graduated from high school.
The hard part of my parents age was I did not have grandparents. And my childrren did not get to really know my parents.
My father in law, who was younger than my oldest brother, had to teach me what a grandfather was, and I thank him almost daily.
I didn’t mean to imply otherwise - I’m sorry! It’s very clear that you didn’t have your baby just to salvage a relationship. I just got to thinking about the right time to have kids and the wrong time and thought to myself that I was glad that my husband and I weathered having our own son well. We had discussed our hopes and parenting ideas well in advance of even deciding to have children, and still, nothing could have prepared me for the reality of having our son and how much the little things would matter.
For the first six weeks maybe, it was as though every single little comment, no matter how innocent, had some sort of sinister meaning. Every little suggestion we’d make to the other, “Well, let’s do it this way,” would suddenly be perceived as an attack on the other person’s parenting skills. We worked through it, and it was the hardest thing I’d ever done because I knew that what we were doing was silly, but we just couldn’t seem to stop ourselves. Fortunately, we both regained our senses of humor and some self control and started working together instead of against each other. A couple of my friends haven’t been able to get beyond that, and those perceived attacks have turned to real attacks, and it’s just miserable being anywhere near them.
I was 18 when I had my first one. Even though it all worked out for me, my advice to my oldest (who is now 19) echoes Gatopescado’s - Do as much as you can FIRST!
Now that it’s all said and done - I am really starting to live life. I’ve got my forties in front of me like a bright and shining beacon. I’m starting to travel more, getting my career really going and don’t have to worry about maternity leave or childcare. One of my friends that I grew up with is just having her first - she’ll be tied down for quite a while now. I’m sitting back and waiting for grandchildren, and I will STILL be young enough to enjoy them and run around with them.
Even though it was really hard (and I never recommend having kids as young as I did!), I’m still not repentant. My parents had me at the ages of 38 and 42. My mom died when I was five, and my dad was in constant poor health. I envied friends who had young-ish parents, doing younger things. My younger kids brag to their friends about how young their mom is, or at least how young I act. I’ve always been able to keep up with them, or have them keep up with me.
Energetic Youth - Wisdom and Experience
When the teeter totter on those seem fairly level, I say to go for it.
I was 29 and my wife 23 when we had our first kid. Now at 31/25 we are expecting the next which will come when we are 32/26.
Our first is due on December 15th. I’ll be 28, and my wife will be 26. I’ll check back in to this thread in 20 years to let you know how it turns out!