I’m trying to understand what’s going on here, so help me out a little. Have you met her face to face since 9th grade, or has all this “talk” been email, IM and telephones?
Have you had 20 hours to kill conversing with her and not dropped by to say hello? Or am I not understanding? 
We have not met face to face since 9th grade. It was my hope that I would have a chance to meet her before she went up to that other college where the guy she sort of fancies is. But since I didn’t have that opportunity I was sort of rushed into making my feelings known before she went up there again for the weekend. Unless she was simply lying to me, we’ll be hanging out sometime in the next week.
Asimovian, you are a rare bird, indeed. I’m not sure if what you did (when courting your wife) was herculean and masochistic or merely masochistic, but you are my hero. Many more happy married years to you.
Sorry for the hijack. Carry on.
Well, its Monday so I guess it’s time for a bit of an update. She’s still single, though I think something went on up there. She’s been venting to me about how she’s been getting blown off by the guy communications-wise since she got home, and that she feels used. She made mention that her friend commented that “now that he’s got what he wanted he doesn’t really need you anymore.”
So that’s a downer. I’m not really sure what to think right now. I’m just trying to be there for her. I’m starting to care about this girl, and I would still like to be with her, but this complicates things.
We might be hanging out tomorrow. I’ll keep you all posted.
Argh. I’m sorry to hear that. I suppose it’s possible that now that she knows what a creep that other guy is, she might put the whole infatuation behind her with a little time to heal.
I guess all you can do is wait and see what direction things head in. Good luck…
Sorry things got “complicated”. I still don’t think you’ll have enough information about this whole situation until you meet her face to face and you two spend some time together.
If you think you two might wind up talking on the 'net again for four hours, why not run over to her place instead and spend 3 hours with her? That will be a lot better, and you’ll learn much, much more.
Examine this: “now that he’s got what he wanted he doesn’t really need you anymore.”
Now, if a guy got what he wanted and doesn’t want any more, he didn’t like it very much. (Whatever “it” is.) If things are right, a guy will always want more. Something went wrong up there.
Hope this works out for you.
Sorry things got “complicated”. I still don’t think you’ll have enough information about this whole situation until you meet her face to face and you two spend some time together.
If you think you two might wind up talking on the 'net again for four hours, why not run over to her place instead and spend 3 hours with her? That will be a lot better, and you’ll learn much, much more.
Examine this: “now that he’s got what he wanted he doesn’t really need you anymore.”
Now, if a guy got what he wanted and doesn’t want any more, he didn’t like it very much. (Whatever “it” is.) If things are right, a guy will always want more. Something went wrong up there.
Hope this works out for you.
** Lord Ashtar**, that has to be one of the most brilliantly incisive yet succinct, statements I have ever read. Too many times have I focussed on the little things that could go wrong, rather than the big benefits I could have received.
Mind if I use this in an email / SDMB sig?
Forget it, those Penn State guys are irresistable. You practically have to beat the women off with a stick, and then there are still a few that don’t get the message. 
Just kidding, make sure you offer your shoulder to cry on and your ear to vent about “getting used.” It will show that you have feelings for her and you can assuage her fears that you would use her. Don’t rush things, you don’t want to be a rebound. Good luck.
I second that.
Yeah that’s what you want. Maybe you guys can go shopping at the mall and pick up girls together. :rolleyes:
Look, when you guys meet, she will know in five seconds if there is romantic interest. If there is, she will quickly forget about the other guy five hours away. The only thing you have to worry about “blowing” is a potential match if you wait too long and end up on the friendship tip.
hey again! hehe, sorry I never answered your question earlier… I always post in these things and then run off and forget about 'em. I should start subscribing to threads, but those email reminders feel too much like spam.
anyway, in answer to your question, it was a little bit of both. it’s actually a lot more complicated than I’m letting on, but this thread isn’t about me, so I’ll just say that the relationship had run its course, so she left him to be with me. it could be argued that the relationship ultimately deteriorated because she fell in love with me, but it’s kind of a pointless inquiry and totally irrelevant to me, as I now have the girl. and yeah, it did take nerves of steel… it was downright torture a lot of the time, especially because I was constantly helping them patch things up when they’d fight… but in the end, worth it. my point was, if things’re gonna happen, if you’re someone who’d excite romantic feeling in her, it’s gonna happen with sustained contact regardless of whether she’s single.
IME, YMMV.
No way, man. Look, you don’t want to be the guy she complains to, you want to be the guy she complains about, to that guy she’s never going to date. Women complain about imperfect men that they are interested in, not men they don’t care about.
If you sit there and listen to her blab about other guys and how lousy they are, you’re going to be the “friend”. If that’s what you want, cool, knock yourself out. If you want to be more than a friend, change the subject, talk about something more pleasant, like her, or you, or her and you going out. If she’s thinking about another guy while talking to you, that’s bad news.
That’s not always true. That “something” that went wrong was probably just the guy losing interest after porking her. It happens often enough.
We hung out tonight. She had some research to do for tomorrow so I offered to accompany her to the library because I still really wanted to hang out. The car ride, the library, the walk around the mall afterwards, it all flowed so smoothly. I wasn’t nervous at all.
She has such a refreshing personality. She’s so hyper and talkative and I just loved being around her. If nothing else I see us becoming good friends.
But I DO want more. She still doesn’t know what the situation with this guy is. She assumed she was getting blown off and sorta told him off about it, then HE blew up at her for making assumptions without even communicating, and she sort of tried to apologize. Not sure what’s going to come of that. But she said she likes this guy, even though he refuses to open up to her. I asked her how that can possibly be a good thing for a relationship in the long run?
I can’t blame her though…as evidenced by that other thread, when you like someone, they’re the one you want. She apparently likes this guy at PSU. And I can definitely see myself falling for her (hell, I’ve held a torch for her in the back of my head for the last 6 years). And therefore I probably won’t be able to take my thoughts from her long enough to even look at another girl the same way. 
Blah…what should I do? Should I wait until this thing with the other guy is definitely over before I start pursuing her? Should I lay it out for her now?
We’ll be hanging out all afternoon Thursday.
How often? I know it’s a stereotype situation, but it’s one I’ve never seen or been a party to. Unless the girl’s got really bad breath or something, it usually takes a couple of months, at least, to wear the new off. (one night stand bar pickups excluded)
Spend all the time you can around her. Make it plain you don’t want to hear about some guy a road trip away. Talk about what’s going on with you and what’s going on with her. Find some common interests that don’t involve talking about other boyfriends/girlfriends.
Make a move on her as soon as you feel comfortable. (But within a week, no longer.) Show up at her place with a bottle of wine, two wine glasses and a positive attitude.
I have a Straight Dope folder where I bookmark all the threads I’m currently participating in.
Soapbox, I know others have advised you to wait patiently until she’s finished enjoying all the drama with this new guy, but I don’t think that’s good advice. If she is busy chasing after this new guy, your best option in the long run with her is to get on with your own life. If you get together with her at some point in the future, fine, but I wouldn’t wait around and be her shoulder to cry on when Mr. Bad Boy treats her like crap. Rent the movie “Murphy’s Romance” (which is a fine, underrated classic, by the way), and memorize James Garner’s speech to Sally Field when he makes it clear to her that he wants to be her man, not anything else.
HUGE update. She got her work done pretty quickly, and at 9pm I asked if she would like to go for a drive. She said yes. I picked her up and we went to the parking lot of a nearby movie theater. We sat in my car and just talked. For two hours. There’s nothing about this situation we didn’t talk about. She knows my feelings completely. Anything I vented in here or could feel like venting, she already knows.
And yet she still likes me, and she still trusts me enough to tell me so much about her own feelings. If this were any other girl I would have crashed and burned so long ago by bringing up this stuff. Maybe she’s too good to be true.
Yes, she did hook up with the guy at PSU, but this last weekend wasn’t the first time. She first did so the weekend before THAT, before I had even started talking to her. But she’s still confused about him. They may have had a huge falling out because she accused him of being too immature to discuss his feelings on the situation and refuses to discuss anything serious.
I’ve never had a conversation like the one I had last night. I feel such a connection with this girl that I could tell her anything, and apparently she feels the same way.
I care about her. I really care about her. I’ve never met anyone like her before. I’m willing to let this go where ever she is, be it friendship or something more. She told me that in the past she has straight up told guys if she only saw them as friends, and she told me that I don’t fall into that group. But she also said she couldn’t string me along because she can’t predict what the future may hold. We’ll be hanging out all afternoon on Thursday, and I’ll just see what happens. Maybe if things are still shaky with this guy and the right opportunity arises, I’ll take it…
So, you’re her back-up plan if the relationship with the guy at PSU doesn’t work out? If that’s good enough for you, it’s good enough for me, but I think you deserve better. I think you deserve a girlfriend who is excited at the very thought of talking to you on the phone, who can’t wait to see you, who will do just about anything as long as it’s with you, who feels lucky to have met you and have you in her life, not someone who will settle for you if nothing better comes along. I could be totally off-base here, but that’s the vibe I’m getting.
It would be nice if the world worked like that, huh? I don’t really see the chances of finding a girl like that too likely.