If you live by that last sentence, you’re going to have a lot of female friends and never date anyone.
Once you know you are interested in someone romantically, ask them out. Hiding your feelings while cultivating a platonic friendship will rarely improve your chances at starting a romantic relationship. If they don’t have romantic feelings for you or aren’t physically attracted to you at the outset, hanging out as friends can’t change that, and is a waste of your time and emotional energy. If they’re not interested in you, find out right away and move on. The longer you wait, the more likely you’ll find yourself in the Friend Zone, where your perceived lack of romantic interest in them kills any potential romantic feelings toward you.
My guess is that you need to be asking out a lot more people, so you can learn to do it casually and confidently. You want a lot less “please say yes, or I’ll die!” and a lot more “it’d be cool if you said yes, but whatever.”
I’ve never felt such a combination of glee, relief, and confusion.
I confessed my feelings to her. I told her that I was hoping to have time to get to know her, and that I would be lying if I said I didn’t find her attractive. She said that she was still looking forward to hanging out with me. I told her that I felt the need to make my feelings known considering that she might not be single when she comes back home from the weekend.
She said that she would still be single. “Juh?” I asked as my jaw hit the floor. But…but…what about that guy you’re going up to see?
She said he’s not a very serious person and isn’t looking for a relationship right now and that they’re only friends. She then reassured me that she was in no way weirded out by the fact that I confessed my feelings.
So…she’ll probably still be single even if she goes up there for the weekend. She still wants to hang out. She knows how I feel and she still wants to hang out! Holy shit! I can’t believe it ended like that. It’s a complete 180 from what I had been dreading for the last few hours. I’m baffled…and a little giddy. And a LOT relieved.
Seriously,** Soapbox**, I’m glad that you did what you had to and that it worked out well. Heh, I actually feel relieved, too, after reading your post. I was pulling for ya, no matter what you chose to do.
Don’t take any chances. IM a fellow doper who lives in the same town that she will be visiting and ask him or her to crash the date. Nothing like an uninvited stranger along as a third party to throw some cold water on a date.
By the way the translation for this is “don’t get all sappy and serious and clingy, 'cause I don’t want that currently, but hang out and maybe something will happen, maybe not, but it can’t hurt to stay friends. Oh, and I knew you still have a thing for me.”
Cool. It’s great to see that things worked out so well! Bravo on finding the courage to tell her how you feel. I know that can be extremely scary, and honestly I am impressed that you decided to do it. I’m not sure if I would have been able to if I were in your position.
Seriously. . .I’m you, but I’ve recently learned to stop taking things so seriously. I’ve had three “serious” relationships spread out over the last eight or so years (along with a couple short ones that didn’t go anywhere thrown in there), that’s counting the one I’m in now. When I moved to college (for the second time) I was just like…there are thousands of women here, it would take me years to alienate them ALL. . .better get started!
It’s like they say…you always find something once you stop looking for it. Stop concentrating so hard and just enjoy the ride.
Take this as a BIG hint. You seriously need to calm down, you are acting as though this date is going to be the most important event in your life. She’s already got a “crush” on a guy, but she’s not taking time with him very seriously, she’s just going to go and enjoy his company. This is a big clue into her thoughts about relationships and dating, not serious, just have fun.
If you go into this as though she’s your bride-to-be, the perfect girl that you’re going to settle down with, you will be in conflict with her attitude about dating. My opinion of how to handle it:
Keep it low key, have a nice time, be open and friendly.
Do not try to “sweep her off her feet” with grandiose romantic gestures.
Do not act as though you are a couple, do not act jealous of the other guy.
Have some coffee, have some eats, have some fun.
I’ve spoken to her for an average of about 5 hours per night the last 4 nights. We’ve discussed a lot of things, including relationships. She seems to be pretty big on them. I took her comment to mean that she doesn’t think anything will happen with this guy because he is not a very serious person, and that he probably isn’t ready for a relationship.
I know that can be extremely scary, and honestly I am impressed that you decided to do it. I’m not sure if I would have been able to if I were in your position.