Eventually a lurker needs to stop lurking and speak. That time is now.
I just finished my fourth year at college, will be going back in the fall for my final semester, and I’ve got a bit of a girl problem. One that goes back before freshman year. So I met this girl on Facebook the summer after high school. We talked a bit and she seemed really cool. We finally met the first weekend at college, and things were good. We hung out a lot and before long I really liked this girl. Only problem was she had a boyfriend that she never stopped talking about. And I was miserable as a result. Come the end of that first semester, I was done. Couldn’t do it anymore and we started to drift apart and eventually just stopped talking almost entirely. As far as I know, she doesn’t know why.
I got over her sophomore year, but avoided her like the plague afterwards. Come senior year I was tired of hiding, and wanted to give being friends another shot. So we grabbed dinner back in February and it was nice. She had a new boyfriend, but not a problem. I didn’t like her right? Well by April I did again. So that sucked for a while, but a few days ago we were hanging out and she told me her boyfriend had just broken up with her. So they’ve been broken up for a week now. They were together for a little over a year, and while upset, she seemed to be handling it well.
Which leads to what this topic is all about. How long do I give her? A month is a good time right? She’s taking an extra semester as well, so should I wait til then and give her the entire summer to think things over? Or is that too long? Help a guy out.
I absolutely hate, hate, HATE, it when guys come out of the woodwork to tell me how much they’ve always liked me, how they’ve had a crush on me, how they’ll “be there” for me, etc, right after a relationship ends.
Just be there for her (without saying as much), and with enough time it will be obvious if she likes you as more than a friend.
I wouldn’t hold your breath though if she doesn’t bring it up or show any signs. Please don’t bring it up yourself for at least a few months, if ever.
I would say keep hanging out with her, have dinner, go to the movies, whatever you would do as friend if she were still dating her boyfriend. If it is meant to be it will evolve naturally from that.
Don’t nice-guy her this time, for pete’s sake. If you just skulk around like a dog waiting for scraps, she’ll sense it. Getting nice-guyed is a complete turn-off. Tell her you have feelings for her if you must, but also mention that you don’t want to catch her on the rebound. Give her some space and let her come to you (whether as friends or partners). If she doesn’t respond, leave it alone.
Ditto (past tense, though, as I haven’t been in the dating pool for 16 years).
Rather than hanging out and being her support, though, I’d be bold and just tell her: Hey you’re cute, I’m cute, let’s test drive being more than friends. I would have appreciated a guy being straightforward with me, instead of pussyfooting around. If he had done it with humor that would have furthered his cause immensely. So take this advice from an old married lady if it seems helpful.
There’s no reason to tell her you’ve been waiting in the wings. Just tell her you like her now and would like to date. If you end up being sweethearts you can always confess later on about your longtime feelings. (My guess is that could be a big hit if she turns out to be a steady GF) Otherwise just keep it to yourself and tell her that you are attracted to her now, not before.
If you wait, she’ll end up dating somebody else. Don’t try to finesse the “right moment” and don’t tell her how long you’ve had a crush on her. She already knows it.
For Gawds sake do something other than wait in the wings. Maybe other posters here more skilled than I (pretty much everyone else) can give you more specific advice.
While men are supposedly the more clueless ones on whether a woman likes them, I’ve heard more than one express surprise that a guy was interested in them as well as the old thought process “well, he never asked out or made a move so I assumed he just wanted to be friends”.
Make a move!
When she takes yours kids, your house, your truck, your bass boat, your coon dog, your guns and half your paycheck 25 years later you’ll thank me.
Just talk to her, ask her to do stuff, hang out, and be clear you’re interested. Don’t ‘confess your feelings’ and don’t expect her to want to be your girlfriend. If you’re a good match, things will develop naturally.
This! She knows you have feelings for her (even if she doesn’t admit them) and you should totally put her in the spot to acknowledge those feelings. That’s the only way for you to find out what she feels. Otherwise she’ll keep you around for comfort and keep dating other guys. That, my friend, equals forever friend-zoned.
I have to admit I’ve done it myself to the nicest guys. Sorry! But hey, I was young and it was too easy to get away with.
When I was in college, I had a crush on this guy. He was The Hot Guy™ of the Freshman Dorms and all the girlys thought he was the bomb. I remember watching him walk across the green to the dining hall, and I asked my friends, “Do you think Scott would go out with me?” and they all pooh-poohed me, telling me he was completely out of my league. Bullshit. He was so not out of my league.
After about a year of drooling whenever he walked by, too shy to speak to him beyond “Hey, how ya doin’?”, I walked into a class one day to find him sitting there in the front row. I was a back-row kind of student, but for the chance… I sat by him. We got to know each other over the term, even studied together a couple of times. He had a girlfriend and was clear about that. Then one day, I got to class to find him looking all sad, kickin’ cans down the street sad. I asked what’s up and he told me his girlfriend had broken up with him. In my head, I gave myself a fist pump, but to his face, I mumbled something about how sorry I was to hear it.
Right after that class, I went straight to the florist and found an inexpensive sympathy bouquet and had it sent over to his dorm room. Since when do chicks send dudes flowers eh?
Well, he called me to thank me for the flowers and while he had me on the phone, he asked me out. I’m still not sure if I got that date because of bribery/guilt trip/rebound, or what, but it didn’t matter. We ended up dating for the rest of that school year. Great guy, I really enjoyed hanging with him.
So I say don’t delay. Just ask her out. Don’t bother with giving her time to recover and don’t worry about the rebound thing. Sometimes a new person is just the thing you need to heal your broken heart from the last person.
I had a female friend in college once who was great potential girlfriend material. We hung out a lot but I never actually formally asked her out for various unimportant reasons and we never evolved beyond the friendship thing. A year or two after I was out, she called and said she was moving near my town… to be with her new fiance. I made a joking comment (legitimately joking, I was dating someone) that now we’d never get a chance to date and she said “I always wondered why you never asked me out”. Apparently she was there for the taking had I just said “Hey, let’s go on a date”.
Lesson being: Screw waiting for it to happen “organically”. If you want it to happen, make your move.
I agree with the ones saying to ask her out. Don’t wait. She could end up with a new boyfriend if you wait. And don’t make it anything heavy or intense - I wouldn’t make a “confession” of having feelings for her, just handle like you’d handle asking anyone else out for a date.
Yes, ask her out now. You shouldn’t have waited for her to break up with her boyfriend - don’t wait for her to find another boyfriend now.
The time to talk about angst and drama is after you have been dating a while. Like three years a while.
Ask her out. Now. Immediately. And make it clear that you are NOT doing it to comfort her after breaking up with her boyfriend. Change the subject (to her) if she brings him up. Make it clear that you are NOT platonic.
