advice on asking a girl out who's leaving for univeristy

I have been working at this restaurant for a couple of months and have been working with this girl that I’ve had an instant attraction to, from the first moment I saw her.

We always seem to be on the verge of a great conversation but are always interupted by well. …work. Its really frustrating because we seem to have so much in common. We even have the same sense of humour.

The problem is that she is leaving for University at the end of the week. Its only about an hour away but still. How can I start something now?

My sister tells me I’m better off just asking for her email address and see if we can build something from there. No sense forcing things and risk scaring her off. I have no problem with that, but I would hate to find out later that I’ve missed my opportunity and am now in the friendship zone.

I know, there is nothing wrong with being friends first but I haven’t had this kind of feeling since I was a kid. Am I being stupid here?

Any opinions of this would be greatly appreicated.

How about going out for a casual post-work drink sometime this week? Keep it extremely casual - your aim is not to achieve a relationship in this one week, but merely to get her to keep you in mind. Then you can do the email thing if you want.

Why not say to her ‘I’d like to take you out before you leave for university.’

We need more info to know if you’re playing your cards correctly. Does she live in your town and will be returning for breaks and such? I actually see this as a good opportunity, and I’ll tell you why. First off she’s going of to school and the last thing she needs is to be tied down by some boyfriend. She needs to get acclimated to her environment, a task best done solo, so you should be fine, at least for awhile. I’d say you have about a 2 month window in which to she’ll be to busy to meet people and hasn’t yet met a lot of them either. While all this is going on, you can start initiating your “low intensity” relationship via email with her. The goal here is that she has someone that isn’t around 24/7, but a person she can rely on and talk to, and then go the hell away because she has to study. When vacation comes, she’ll have a few weeks back in the 'hood.

Good luck.

I’ve thought of asking her to go out for a drink, because she is leaving for university, but was concerned that I might just give off the “friendship” vibe, and I really would like to plant the seed, “hey I’m interested, if you are”

At any rate, WorldEater, thanks for your input. I’m not actually sure if she will be coming home for breaks, but considering the distance, I can’t see why not. I really wish I had more info to give but I know so little about her at this point, other than we seem to have a lot in common. Considering this, I guess I should form a friendship and see where it goes.

Its just frustrating when you have that feeling, like fate is knocking on the door. Course, it could be just wishful thinking…but I really don’t want to go down that “what if…” internal debate, and end up doing nothing. that would be worse.
I have a strong urge to ask her out for a drink before she leaves. Do I ignore this urge and just get her email address? I don’t want to force the issue here, but at the same time, want to let her know that I’m not just another guy.
Thanks everyone.

This is a great site

Say to her ‘I think I’m really going to miss you when you go. Can I take you out for a drink before you head off?’

For starters, make sure you have a way to contact her before she splits, preferably email.

Next, I’ll be honest, the last thing she needs to worry about before heading off to school, is starting up a relationship she’ll be leaving behind. The problem is she is probably a bit anxious or even stressed, and pushing an issue with her might lead to her automatically saying no, just because she can’t deal at the moment. I really think you’re better off letting her get used to her new life, and then hopefully realizing that she enjoyed hanging out with you. I would push for hanging out before she goes so it gives you a chance to leave a good taste in her mouth (yeah yeah, I know :slight_smile: ). I wouldn’t mention a relationship one peep, just show a good time, and that will speak for itself. Then keep in touch with her at school, play you cards right and you’ll be hooking up with her by the first break. As far as her being an hour away, that’s nothing. You can drive up, or take a bus, or she can come home, etc, etc.

That sounds like a good way to go.

I’ll see if she wants to go out for a drink and hang out, then get the email address before she goes.

Hell, that sounds easy, takes the pressure off now.

Thanks everyone. you especially, WorldEater ( what does that refer to anyway?)

To reiterate what has been said, make sure you have a way to get in touch with her. If her campus is at all like any that I have ever been to, e-mail is most certainly a viable option. And a hour away isn’t horrid. My ex-boyfriend went off to school in IL, which is a 1000 miles from here, thought we could stay together, not for me, thanks, but an hour is fine. Is this her first year at University? If not, then I would approach it differently than if it was.

Yeah, something to the effect of “I’ve had a fun time hanging out, we should definitely stay in touch, remind me to grab you email before you go, I’ll give you mine as well”

You have more fun with her too, because you won’t be stressing about this stuff. Not stressing about this stuff = showing her a better time. Showing her a better time = happyville USA, population You.

No prob. It’s the title of the best song of my favorite band, Bolt Thrower.

Here’s a second for this suggestion. If she agrees to go out with you, you can get a feel for what she’s thinking while you two are together.

IMHO, you don’t want to play this TOO cool. You do want to find out if the feelings you have for her run both ways.

To quote from an Eagles song:
“I was thinking of a woman that loved me
But I never knew”

You need to find out. Faint heart never won fair lady.

And good luck, however you decide to play it.

So today, before I finished my shift, I asked her when her last day would be and she told me, SAturday. My response was of course, I’m not working Saturday and that I should get her email before she goes. She says definitly to that and even asks if I’m on Messenger.

I then go and get changed and come back just as she is showing some guests to their seats. I pass her my email address onto the front stand and say " thats for you when you get a chance."

I then sat at the bar, for an afterhour drink and watched the third period of the world cup of hockey. I wasn’t there for long, perhaps an hour, but then went back downstairs to collect my things. I came back up to see if she was around, but she wasn’t. She was cut I guess, so I left the building feeling as though I perhaps screwed things up. MAybe I should have waited for her to have a free moment and make sure she gave me her info as well. Too late right… well…

I get outside and she is sitting on the bench, talknig on the phone. she looks up at me and asks me if I’m okay to go home. I say I’m fine,"

This is going too good, I’m thinking. After waiting for a take out order , we’re on our way. During the ride, we didn’t have one akward moment and joked around, talked about theatre and she was smiling the whole time.

I’m thinking this is great and that since this was really my last shift with her, I should ask her out for a lunch date or something…then she drops the bomb.

As she stops at my brothers house ( which I’m staying right now) she says ’ well, I’ll look you up on messenger, have a great life, I guess. extending her hand.
I don’t know what to do at this point or what to say, so I shake her hand like an idiot and say " well, no, we’ll keep in touch through email."

I exit the car, we say our good byes and thats that.

Am I friggin idiot or what? Where do I go from here?? Did I blow it?

The ball is in her court I know, but damn, I’m really into this girl.
Any insight is highly appreciated.


I forgot to mention the obvious fact that when I said I was fine she offerred me a ride.

Also, I know the line " have a good life, I guess" sounds like she was fishing for me to do something, and perhaps she was, but it didn’t feel that way.

Just thought I’d clear that up

You need to call this woman and apologize for being such a wuss. Quit trying to talk to this girl in signals. Signals to wich I might add, she might interpret the wrong way. Keep in mind; THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS MIND READERS!

If I were you I’d call her up and say something to the effect of: “Hey, listen, sorry about the other day, I was a little bit of a wuss. The fact of the matter is I kinda like you and would lilke the chance to get to know you better. I was thinking maybe we could go out for lunch sometime before you left. Then after that if things go well we could keep in touch via email or something.” (use your own words here, but you get the jist of what I’m saying.)

As men we’re usually the ones who have to step up to the plate and put our asses on the line. If you expect her to do it; you can also expect to spend alot of nights alone.

Passing her your e-mail and saying it is for when she ‘gets a chance’ is not the same as letting her know you are interested in her. From what you’ve posted, you haven’t given her any indication that you want to be anything to her other than a neutral pen-pal. Maybe she is thinking ‘Gosh, I like him, too bad he doesn’t like me. He had the chance to say so.’

Courtship has rituals. One of the rituals among males and females is that the male initiates the courtship. You haven’t initiated a courtship.

I think everyone else posted in response to your post is male. I’m female. Before I was married I was much sought after by many a handsome lad. Complete strangers would stop me in the street, saying ‘I don’t even know you but would you go out with me?’ I’d find declarations of love in my mailbox. I know what works and I know what doesn’t. Believe me, passing your e-mail onto a stand and saying it is for ‘When you get a chance’ is not going to get the kind of attention from her that you want.

It is risky. She may turn you down. But nothing ventured, nothing gained.

In response to the “leaving my email on the stand”. It was already decided to exchange email addresses at this point. If this was not the case, then I wouldn’t have done such a thing. It was just because we never have any time to talk.

I was waiting for her to give me hers later on…say in the car. She never did, although the conversation was good, we shared some laughs. Everything went well until she found out I would not be working with her on her remaining shifts and said " well, it was nice meeting you, have a nice life, I guess" Looking back, that sounds like a dead give away of “hey, ask me out” but it didn’t feel that way when she said it.
Two days ago, I was all for just asking her out, as getting hurt is not a real concern of mine. Not knowing is worse. I’d just like to know where I actually blew the opportunity? At the stand, leaving my email address? I doubt that as she later on offerred me a ride home. In the car when she said have a nice life seems to be the better bet…
Question is, where do I go from here? /can this be salvaged?
I can’t very well, call her up ( don’t have her number anyway) and apologise for NOT asking her out, but I have to do something, or all bets are off?

Ahem: I’ll repeat from my previous post: “Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady!”

You wrote: “The ball is in her court I know, but damn, I’m really into this girl.” No, it isn’t. The ball is in your court.

Let’s look at this from a slightly different angle and make some assumptions:

She gets off work and instead of going home or to her car, she sits on a bench where she can be sure to see you when you come out. She plays with her cell phone and waits for you.

If what she wanted to do was shake hands and say: “Have a nice life, I guess” she’d have done that at the bench. She gives you a ride hoping that you will pick up a clue and ask her out.

Her statement: “Have a nice life, I guess” is certainly not fishing. It’s a surrender notice, as she’s realized you’re not going to make a move and she assumes you’re not interested.

Pssst: You had a great chance to say: “Hey! we’ve got this carry out dinner. Let’s celebrate your last day at work. Stop up here and I’ll get some (beer, wine, soda pop) and we’ll go to the (park, riverside, lakeshore) and share this fine dinner.”

What did you want from a relationship with this woman? If you wanted a pen-pal you did the right thing by giving her your email addy. If you wanted a romantic relationship, you’d have had to act like that’s what you wanted.

I guess there have been about a gazillion (or at least ten) threads on this message board about “Why nice guys never get the girl”. The consensus has been that that’s not a correct statement. While nice guys do often get the girl, timid guys almost never do. The words nice and timid are not synonyms, so don’t confuse them.

I really don’t mean to sound harsh, but your best opportunity is now shot. You’re going to have to take some measures like Shakes suggested to try to salvage things.

Good luck (again).

PS: There are ways to get her phone number. For starters, somebody at work has to have it.

She still has remaining shifts? If so, good, you know where to find her, go, NOW!