How long to wait to ask a girl out/general dating advice needed

I’m writing this for a friend who needs some dating advice from a female perspective.

Say you run into a girl. She’s cute, seems to have a good recommendation from your one or two mutual friends, though you’ve never met before. You chat for a few minutes and she gives off some positive signs but before you can ask for her number, she disappears into the crowd. So, you try to find her a few days later. You know where she hangs out (kind of) and meet her again and have another small conversation. Asking her out for coffee doesn’t seem to work as well as you thought so you wait until you see her at time number 3 to get her number.

When should you ask this girl out for coffee or a date? Is sooner better? Later?

The problem is you don’t see this person very often. In fact, most of your encounters have been by random chance and often she is accompanied with a friend or two making it difficult. Either way, you end up getting her number and call her. She says she’s busy on one of the days, but might be free the next and that she would let you know what’s going on the following day. The following day, you get no response so you text to see what’s going on. She is busy so you tell her that if her event finishes at a decent time that she should let you know. She didn’t let you know. You call her again on Wednesday to no answer. On Thursday you call and after two rings or so it goes dead and you figure she must be busy or your phone is broken, so you try again but you’re not sure if she tried you in this span. So you send a text apologizing if she missed you and that you were free to go for coffee (you found a missed call on your phone that could have been her). She replies that she didn’t call you and that she’s been super busy with school and stuff. You see her once after this and she says hi, accompanied by her friend, while you are eating your lunch and your mouth is full.

All right… advice!

She is not interested. Sorry, but it is quite obvious.

Seriously. She’s just not that into you(r friend). There have already been multiple occasions where she could have shown more interest and she hasn’t. If she were interested she would have returned his calls a long time ago.

She already knows your ‘friend’ is trying to ask her out. And she already answered the question, with a clear no.

It’s like a foreign language, written in a different alphabet. You will learn to understand the language…if you live for a long time. I’m a 50 ish guy and I can read her message like a billboard.


It’s vaguely possible that the universe is conspiring against you to provide bad timing and that this will work out like a Hugh Grant movie, but probably not. She may have been kind of interested in the first place, but she’s decided against that now, or found someone else, or something. She’s trying to let you down easy.

You definitely need to lay off for a while. It’s possible, just possible, that if you take the pressure off, she’ll get to know you as you meet randomly and through friends, and then you can take another shot after you’ve gotten to know her on a non-romantic basis. But probably not, and it could totally blow up in your face too. And if you keep calling and texting her, you’ll come off as a stalker.

If someone is interested in you they’ll FIND the time, unless they’re President of the United States, and even Mr Clinton and others, found time. :slight_smile:

Yeah, I finally realized this about a girl I was interested in a while back. Fortunately, I realized it in time to not miss meeting my current girlfriend.

He’s already stepped over the boundary of pushiness. After the second rejection, he should have said (or texted): "If you’d like to have coffee, let me know. " or something like that, leaving the ball in her court.

Then you leave her alone.

She’s just not that into you.

Get that book, ignore the gender, take it on board, move on.

She’s not interested. If she was, she’d have picked up the phone and closed the deal.

She’s just not that into him.

I like the Three Strikes rule of thumb for dating and new friendships. I reach out three times. If I email, txt, call, Facebook, whatever, three times in a row and get neither reciprocation nor a response (and no commitment to see in person), then all contact stops. I do not want to be that chick who cannot take a hint.

People don’t want to be hurtful, and they don’t know how to say no in a nice upfront way, so they do this dodge and avoid thing instead. It’s a hint. Advise your friend to take it.

Your friend already earned the pushy tag by calling/texting three days in a row.

Forget this girl, she’s clearly not interested. As far as general advice goes: never wait for the perfect time to ask someone out, ask her out as soon as you want to ask her out, call her when you feel like talking to her, no games.

Have you tried showing up at her workplace? Girls like that I’m told.

dinosaur - I think you asked multiple questions in your OP.

You(r friend) should have asked her out when he first met her. There’s no reason to wait. Sooner is better. Unless you didn’t become attracted to her until later.

The question you didn’t ask was, now that you(r friend) is getting the brush-off, what should he do?

You(he) should move on. There are lots of girls in the sea. Just keep casting and you will hook one eventually. Life’s too short to obsess on the ones that pass you by.

In consolation, you(r friend) likely didn’t screw anything up. It seems to me that, even if you followed the “rules”, it still would have wound up the same way. Sure, calling so much makes you seem needy, but it seems like she wasn’t really interested in the first place. Sure, you could have played some sort of game and gotten her initially interested, but it’s unlikely it would have held through even a first date.

FWIW, the best thing to do is be casual and friendly and be seen in the presence of close female friends. That way she won’t be feeling guilty about turning you down and seeing you moping or pissed off that she rejected you and you acted like a jerk, and she won’t have anything negative to say if any of her friends scope you out.

Recently, a girl gave me her phone number, so I called her and asked her if she wanted to hang out, leaving a message. She called back but must have hung up really quickly, because she was off the phone by the time I answered. I called her back just in case there was some kind of mistake, but she didn’t answer.

I’m not going to call her again. She was pretty and I liked talking to her, but look, if she doesn’t want to talk to me than she doesn’t want to talk to me. And this woman gave me her phone number. I have no idea what’s going through her head. If she doesn’t want a gorgeous, charming, successful, brilliant guy in her life, who am I to object?

Just forget about it. Really.

Good advice above, all of it. Except: I think rather than 3 strikes, make it one. How many times do you need the middle finger to understand what it means?

When it comes to babes, there is no such thing as too pushy, unless she disses you, and after that, it’s not pushy, it’s stalking.

Get the number immediately, don’t wait. Ignore the people with her, they would ignore you to get a phone number.

If a girl says she’ll get back with you, and doesn’t, that’s the cutoff point.

Best wishes, for whoever.

Wait a minute, I just reread…you sent a text apologizing if she missed you???
Dude. You don’t sound desperate, but you do sound…what’s the word…misinformed? Untrained? Clueless?
Good luck. Go online, look up Doc Love, and order his book “The System.” It’ll help.

Nah, find out where she lives and just chill there. She’ll be so surprised and touched to find him waiting at her door when she gets home!

Seriously, after the third brush off just stop. I actually wasn’t sure if this was a parody or not.

This is probably the case. IMO after the second or so time that she said she was busy, I would have said “Well, you got my number, gimme a call if you want to do something” and let it go at that. My only follow up after that would have been to tell the mutual friend “Yeah, I asked her if she wanted to do something but she was busy, let her know if she’s ever up for something/if she’s bored some night/if she’s interested have her give me a call” and that’s the end of it. The ball is in her court. Doing anything beyond that just make things more awkward, especially when there’s a mutual friend involved.