So, I met a girl yesterday. She seems cool, and I hope at least to become friends with her, however, the manner of our meeting made it look like I’m interested in dating her. I may be, eventually, but I don’t know terribly much about her at the moment.
I also have feelings for another girl that I need to reconcile. This other girl and I have been intimate in the past, and remain in close contact. We previously discussed the possibility of dating, and while I was interested in it, she declined on the grounds that she felt she wanted to be with someone who took a strong interest in certain things for which I could only see myself having a passing interest in. We both regarded that as a shame, seeing as in several other ways, we go together quite well.
This conversation was had online and I feel like it’s something her and I should sit down and talk over in person. I think that a part of me will pine over her until I get some definite closure on this, one way or another. My next opportunity to talk to her in person will be in two months.
That said, I don’t think courting a relationship with another girl is wise, at the moment. I want to be friends with the girl I met yesterday, but should I say something to her so she doesn’t get the wrong idea for now? Or should I just take it as it comes? I don’t want to scare her off but I don’t want to lead her on, either.
You have 2 months to figure out of new girl is something worth pursuing. IME 80% of these type of things never work out long haul for one reason or another. The 2 months out girl obviously isn’t making much of a relationship opportunity available. If new girl turns out to be something really good, run with it. If after two months its not turning out to be all that, check in with old girl, if old girl is still waffling, you still have new girl, if old girl wants to get serious, toss new girl, you only have 2 months invested. Life is too short to play mind games.
What does this mean? “…however, the manner of our meeting made it look like I’m interested in dating her.” Did you possibly hook up through a dating service? Key word “dating”?
She works at the Honda dealership where I went to get my state safety checkup. I had brought a borrowed copy of World War Z to read while I was waiting, and she asked me what it was about. She was interested, I was surprised. She seemed cool, and I didn’t want to toss out an opportunity to meet someone, so I wrote my cell number on the back of my business card and gave it to her. Not very smooth, but then I wasn’t caring terribly much about that. She did end up calling me back, but I’m not entirely sure of what she thinks I’m after, nor what possible interest she may or may not have with me.
Hankuna Matata, dude. I never had the option of keeping two relationships on the stove at the same time, but it seems like you’re worried you’ll burn the dinner before you buy the food. So to speak.
As an aside, I used to think I’d never ever be involved with someone unless they had the same taste in music I do. Looking back at that, and looking at how little my wife and I have in common, musically, it seems like a stupid criteria.
It’s amazing how well you can get along with a person when you stop looking at a scoresheet. It’s a relationship, not yahtzee.
There’s nothing wrong with casually seeing someone when you’re not sure if you can be exclusive with them later, IMO–as long as you keep it light. OTOH, talking about how you’re not sure if it’ll work out, can be disastrous. I lost the best relationship of my life, which was non-exclusive at the time, that very same way. I’m still kicking myself for it, 3+ years later.
Old girl is waffling. That doesn’t mean she couldn’t be interested but there is no fire. What you’ve found is just enough flame to light old girlfreinds pants on fire. If any relationship is possible with old girl, then nothing is going to work like the chance she might lose the option. You shoulde not only work with new girl, but make sure old girl knows it.
Either way your a fool not to seriously check out new girl.
Sounds to me a bit like the OP wants to keep one girl in reserve in case the other doesn’t turn out right or something. Maybe I’m just reading that all wrong. Do what you want to do, but don’t expect people to wait around while you sort it out.
Well, I tend to have a knee-jerk-pursue action when a girl shows interest in me, and I’m trying to resist that in this situation. Basically I feel like I need to sort out my feelings for old girl before I even consider going for new girl, and since my first chance to talk to old girl in person is two months away, I’m concerned about how I should behave around new girl in the meantime.
Perhaps I’m just thinking about this too hard, and while I don’t want to treat either girl like a safety net, it certainly sounds like that’s my intention. I’m starting to think I just need to chill out, as has been previously suggested in this thread. What happens, happens, I suppose.
And WHY do you have to sort out your feelings for old girl first?
Answer: You don’t.
Life doesn’t always fit into neat little boxes. Yep, “chill out.”
I’d suggest asking new girl out. Keep it light. Is there any reason for her to assume that you’d be seeing her exclusively? If you think so, just tell her that you’re not seeking exclusivity at this time.
Fast forward 2 months.
Possible outcomes:
You and new girl are getting along great. Things with old girl don’t work out. Keep seeing new girl.
You and new girl are getting along great. Things with old girl do work out. Now you have 2 girlfriends! Whee! Either keep 'em both or choose the one you like better.
You’re not still dating new girl. Things with old girl don’t work out. Oh well.
You’re not still dating new girl. Things with old girl do work out. Keep seeing old girl.
New girl and old girl find out about each other. They meet and fall madly in love with each other. You ask for a threesome. They both laugh at you. You mope at home for a couple of days. Then you go out and meet Girl #3, who is so hot that you don’t overthink things and just go for it.
My concern in resolving the old girl situation stems from a past relationship that ended horribly and resulted in over two years of unpleasantness before our friendship stabilized. I had entered said relationship while I still had feelings for an old flame, and as a result I’m a little leery of making the same (or a similar) mistake again.
Still, I think I’m going to go with the “chill out.” Possibly with a side of “just tell her that you’re not seeking exclusivity at this time.” I don’t feel comfortable using new girl to make old girl jealous or anything, but I may as well go with the flow for now. I don’t want to blow a chance with new girl, but there’s no reason to rush into anything.
I tend to over-think quite a bit, and I appreciate you all putting things in perspective. Thanks.
You don’t date new girl because you think you might still work it out with old girl. You finally see old girl face to face and she looks at you like you grew two heads and you realize that all the “felt regret” was “being nice” and it really was over for her when you talked (since she mentions now in passing that she is celebrating three month anniversary with another guy). Two months from now you call new girl and she says “oh, too bad. I started seeing this other really great guy two weeks ago. You seem really nice and I was really interested, but that was two months ago!”
Then you are single and looking for girl number three. Who doesn’t fall from the sky. And you start to feel angry and bitter at girl number one (who you did this to avoid feeling angry and bitter about) because you feel she strung you along and ruined your chance for girl #2.
Big friggin’ whoop. She asked you what your book was about , you gave her your number, and now you think you have to reconcile your feelings of eternal love with her or something? Dude, relax.
Different girl. New girl is the one who asked me about my book. Old girl is the one I’ve known for several years. The paragraph you quoted was to explain the context of my meeting new girl, not explain feelings for old girl.
